alanonicnov2008

I just wanted to share this one because it was so positive for me.

I said goodbye to my recovering alcoholic boyfriend about a month ago. The relationship had deteriorated in typical Al anon fashion -- the stronger and more independent I got, the worse the relationship got. It finally exploded about a month ago and it has been up and down mood-wise for me but mostly a progression toward health and greater happiness.

The turning point for me -- the point when I knew I had to end it -- was when my bf called me a brat for getting upset over him canceling a trip we had planned to take together over thanksgiving. He canceled the trip while he was working in Hawaii which made it more ironic and nasty. I had paid for the trip and hadn't traveled in over a year, and I had been working a 12 hour day for months in a dark space and just needed some sun. When he canceled the trip I got upset about it briefly, I quickly recovered, but I made my feelings known. I apologized to him for getting upset a few hours later.

He has a history of not being able to handle hearing about my feelings so the next time I saw him he called me a brat several times then told me he had met someone else and that he had been looking for a new girlfriend for weeks.

Despite the cries of all friends and family I went back to him. For one month. But I had decided to end it at that point and I finally did about a month ago.

So I have a new friend -- who is just a friend at this point but someone who has meant a lot to me over this period as he is also recovering but light years ahead of my ex bf in terms of maturity. Last night he asked me about my family and about how I've been living single all these years (I'm 38). I live in the city and have never even had a roommate, have no debt and have always been self-supporting. Never asked my parents for a penny. I don't have much but everything I have I paid for myself.

He turned to me and told me that this was amazing -- that I was so self-sufficient. He made me really feel seen and heard for who I was. It was the opposite of calling me a "brat".

GiveLove

Wonderful post. You've come a long way, alanonic

One of my sneaky secret little tricks in life is to try to surround myself with people who recognize my gifts, and whose gifts I recognize. People like your friend. I know it probably sounds stuck-up, but believe me I am not wired that way. By "gifts" I just mean The Way I Am, the good things about me.

All of my friends and acquaintances are people who:
1) are mature enough and stable enough to say things like, "Cool, you know, you're really __________" (insert true compliment)
2) are people who I respect enough to easily say things like, "Cool, you know, you're really _________" (insert true compliment)

These are your kindred -- "your people," people who speak your language and share a common currency of respect and dignity.

Life for me is a constant process of adding to my group of kindred, while carefully culling those who really don't get it and never will. I don't get them, they don't get me, and we're just wasting each others' time.

Keep on taking those steps forward -- your kindred are out there waiting.

TakingCharge999

Great post alanonic!!! I loved it!!

veracious

Wow, i wish i could say that the worst thing my exabf ever called me was a brat. I used to get called all sorts of names that i dont think are even appropriate for this forum.

alanonicnov2008

It's amazing what we get used to. And also where it brings us. I never want to hear, but also say, some of the things that were said in this last relationship. "Brat" wasn't the worst either but it was the most "off" and the last straw.

Veracious I hope you are healing from what you've suffered.