why did I believe him?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Clarity
Every time I engage with this man, it ends this way.
We laugh, have fun and create what appears to be an environment of trust and respect.
He talks to OW. I am understandably upset. He throws a huge temper tantrum. Seriously, like a child.
Tells me he refuses to talk to her.
I feel like crap. About myself! I even tell him I can't take this any more. He doesn't care. He knows that down the road he can worm his way back in, get what he wants from me without having to be accountable.
I pull away. Feel better. Then, because I"m feeling better, he comes around wanting all the fun happy parts of me. Then he talks to OW. Repeat.
He is an enormous child. A selfish, adolescent turd.
It doesn't matter to him how his actions impact me. He wants me to shut up, take whatever he dishes out and be there for him when he's upset about stupid sh1t at work? When my feelings matter so little to him?
Today, I am angry. Today I see all the work I have to do in my life and refuse to lose another day (it's been three!) to this ridiculous crap. I need to focus on my life. I;m living in a foreclosed house and need to focus on my kids and my needs.
He needs to get, and stay, the **** away from me. No matter what.
We laugh, have fun and create what appears to be an environment of trust and respect.
He talks to OW. I am understandably upset. He throws a huge temper tantrum. Seriously, like a child.
Tells me he refuses to talk to her.
I feel like crap. About myself! I even tell him I can't take this any more. He doesn't care. He knows that down the road he can worm his way back in, get what he wants from me without having to be accountable.
I pull away. Feel better. Then, because I"m feeling better, he comes around wanting all the fun happy parts of me. Then he talks to OW. Repeat.
He is an enormous child. A selfish, adolescent turd.
It doesn't matter to him how his actions impact me. He wants me to shut up, take whatever he dishes out and be there for him when he's upset about stupid sh1t at work? When my feelings matter so little to him?
Today, I am angry. Today I see all the work I have to do in my life and refuse to lose another day (it's been three!) to this ridiculous crap. I need to focus on my life. I;m living in a foreclosed house and need to focus on my kids and my needs.
He needs to get, and stay, the **** away from me. No matter what.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
getting angry used to be part of my cyclical pattern, it was important that I was angry, I needed to feel that anger when I was in those situations because it was hurtful and crazy and stressful, but being angry wasn't enough to protect me from getting all hopeful somewhere down the line.
and there was little point in talking to me when I got to that starry-eyed "I know what I'm doing here folks, it's different this time, got my eyes wide open, actions not words"
It wasn't until I made changes, actual change, in the now. not later.
what are you going to do differently right now.?
that seems to be the opposite of what he *needs*, he seems to need to keep you on a string, reeling you in and throwing you back, and you can't control that.
you can get, and stay, the hell away from him. No matter what. That you can control.
and there was little point in talking to me when I got to that starry-eyed "I know what I'm doing here folks, it's different this time, got my eyes wide open, actions not words"
It wasn't until I made changes, actual change, in the now. not later.
what are you going to do differently right now.?
He needs to get, and stay, the **** away from me. No matter what.
you can get, and stay, the hell away from him. No matter what. That you can control.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
From Classic Reading:
Can it be any clearer?
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Can it be any clearer?)
Originally Posted by Tazman53
May the alcoholic speak on this from the other side of the fence?
(HeeHe I will any how) LOL
Okay first I will tell you what my #1 priority in life was when I was drinking.... drinking!! Alcohol was my first love, it was always there for me when ever I wanted it, it never argued with me, it never told me I was wrong for drinking or being drunk, it never critisized me!
When I was in my final years of drinking I slowly stopped doing anything I used to do just for me or with my family, my world revolved around drinking and being pleased sexually, and to be honest if I did not get it at home I was going elsewhere, but the alcohol still came first! Every thing else was insignifigant except alcohol.
It was all about me and drinking, I lied and I manipulated who ever I needed to lie or manipulate for booze! My family did with out when it came down to a choice of buying milk or more beer! Alcohol was my one and only true love. Oh sure I told my wife and kids I loved them, because I needed them in the picture to help take care of things.
If some one who I needed in my life to allow me to drink started to threaten me in a manner that may lead to me not being able to drink I would cry, beg, lie, promise, say I loved them, I needed them..... what ever I needed to say or do to keep them enabling me to drink and not have to face the consequences of my drinking.
Can it be any clearer?
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Can it be any clearer?)
Originally Posted by Tazman53
May the alcoholic speak on this from the other side of the fence?
(HeeHe I will any how) LOL
Okay first I will tell you what my #1 priority in life was when I was drinking.... drinking!! Alcohol was my first love, it was always there for me when ever I wanted it, it never argued with me, it never told me I was wrong for drinking or being drunk, it never critisized me!
When I was in my final years of drinking I slowly stopped doing anything I used to do just for me or with my family, my world revolved around drinking and being pleased sexually, and to be honest if I did not get it at home I was going elsewhere, but the alcohol still came first! Every thing else was insignifigant except alcohol.
It was all about me and drinking, I lied and I manipulated who ever I needed to lie or manipulate for booze! My family did with out when it came down to a choice of buying milk or more beer! Alcohol was my one and only true love. Oh sure I told my wife and kids I loved them, because I needed them in the picture to help take care of things.
If some one who I needed in my life to allow me to drink started to threaten me in a manner that may lead to me not being able to drink I would cry, beg, lie, promise, say I loved them, I needed them..... what ever I needed to say or do to keep them enabling me to drink and not have to face the consequences of my drinking.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
From Classic Reading
What Addicts Do
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (What Addicts Do)
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (What Addicts Do)
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
From Classic Reading
What Addicts Do
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (What Addicts Do)
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (What Addicts Do)
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Transform, I have read every thread since you joined SR.
Stick to your no contact plan. There is no other way to be sane, at least not in my book.
You know I am also triggered constantly due to work. The other day I overheard XABF talking about beers and "showing off" with the usual suspects (his enablers).
I can't count how many times I have bugged everyone here surprised he doesn't give a damn I am overhearing and that YES he still loves his bottle!! Well OF COURSE he does. He is an alcoholic. Its not that others are second. They don't exist at all or exist just to provide him of pleasure.
It was like this before we were even friends.
It was like this when we were together.
It is STILL like this - as if the many hells lived with him NEVER existed.
But they did.
Not for him though.
And it is very possible he will ALWAYS be like this.
I loved your yoga plans and film festival activities. Remember the wise mantra
"I now CHOOSE to stay away with you
this is for my greatest good"
Its so miserable, you want to believe something, but in the end its just a show. You say you stay because he is handsome and charming, well so is George Clooney.
Can you accept that the Universe is abundant? I was stuck where I was because I thought no one else would give me the same attention, "love" etc well it turned out I met many other people just like the guys in SR who bring to my life much better things such as wisdom, compassion, warmth, stability etc. so the Universe saw to it I had what I needed. Do you trust it?
3 more tips:
Bach flowers have helped me a GREAT deal letting go of the past.
Have you read buddhist literature? it talks about a wild monkey and compares it to our mind. If you "go there" thinking about ANYTHING or ANYONE related to AH, tame the wild monkey, think of something else right away. Wear a ribbon and snap it anytime you "go there". You can use the consistency you have shown in yoga to train your "monkey". What I did was IMMEDIATELY think of a GREAT MEMORY that happened WAY before I met the alkie. Something that only involved me or other ppl that truly LOVE and ACCEPT me. Those magical moments you've had? this is the time to use them until it sinks in that YES there's much to life without AH.
Go to AA meetings, share with them, it was very powerful and healing for me to hear alkies acknowledging past pain to others and telling me getting far far away was the best choice. It makes THEIR ALCOHOLISM way more real. And I was able to understand what RECOVERY in them looks like.
Hearing all of what they have gone through in order to get out of their BIG FAT DENIAL was enough for me to see it was wishful thinking and extremely naive to assume XBF would acknowledge, accept, learn not to mention CHANGE anything at all after me.
I am now way more intolerant on drunks and active alkies. You want to sleep around? by all means go ahead, but have no one hurting at home. What for???
You want to suicide slowly, get a ticket to Nowhere and drink there where no one gives a damn and the only one absorbing the pain is you.
One I accepted xbf is NO VICTIM and every MINUTE and DAY he chooses to DRINK and HURT my anger helped me stay out...
I heard a song recently and want to share some words with you
"You are nor guilty for things that have no worth in this life"
All the best!!
Stick to your no contact plan. There is no other way to be sane, at least not in my book.
You know I am also triggered constantly due to work. The other day I overheard XABF talking about beers and "showing off" with the usual suspects (his enablers).
I can't count how many times I have bugged everyone here surprised he doesn't give a damn I am overhearing and that YES he still loves his bottle!! Well OF COURSE he does. He is an alcoholic. Its not that others are second. They don't exist at all or exist just to provide him of pleasure.
It was like this before we were even friends.
It was like this when we were together.
It is STILL like this - as if the many hells lived with him NEVER existed.
But they did.
Not for him though.
And it is very possible he will ALWAYS be like this.
I loved your yoga plans and film festival activities. Remember the wise mantra
"I now CHOOSE to stay away with you
this is for my greatest good"
Its so miserable, you want to believe something, but in the end its just a show. You say you stay because he is handsome and charming, well so is George Clooney.
Can you accept that the Universe is abundant? I was stuck where I was because I thought no one else would give me the same attention, "love" etc well it turned out I met many other people just like the guys in SR who bring to my life much better things such as wisdom, compassion, warmth, stability etc. so the Universe saw to it I had what I needed. Do you trust it?
3 more tips:
Bach flowers have helped me a GREAT deal letting go of the past.
Have you read buddhist literature? it talks about a wild monkey and compares it to our mind. If you "go there" thinking about ANYTHING or ANYONE related to AH, tame the wild monkey, think of something else right away. Wear a ribbon and snap it anytime you "go there". You can use the consistency you have shown in yoga to train your "monkey". What I did was IMMEDIATELY think of a GREAT MEMORY that happened WAY before I met the alkie. Something that only involved me or other ppl that truly LOVE and ACCEPT me. Those magical moments you've had? this is the time to use them until it sinks in that YES there's much to life without AH.
Go to AA meetings, share with them, it was very powerful and healing for me to hear alkies acknowledging past pain to others and telling me getting far far away was the best choice. It makes THEIR ALCOHOLISM way more real. And I was able to understand what RECOVERY in them looks like.
Hearing all of what they have gone through in order to get out of their BIG FAT DENIAL was enough for me to see it was wishful thinking and extremely naive to assume XBF would acknowledge, accept, learn not to mention CHANGE anything at all after me.
I am now way more intolerant on drunks and active alkies. You want to sleep around? by all means go ahead, but have no one hurting at home. What for???
You want to suicide slowly, get a ticket to Nowhere and drink there where no one gives a damn and the only one absorbing the pain is you.
One I accepted xbf is NO VICTIM and every MINUTE and DAY he chooses to DRINK and HURT my anger helped me stay out...
I heard a song recently and want to share some words with you
"You are nor guilty for things that have no worth in this life"
All the best!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
He says his heart is broken
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ok I made a lot of typos on the last post...
GL, it was just so ironic. "baby king" came to mind. I read somewhere selfish ppl become that way because they lacked attention at decisive moments when they were babies and spend their life trying to get it back anxious to have someone to tell them
"yes you DO exist"
Errata: I wrote
I am now way more intolerant on drunks and active alkies.
I would like to rephrase that to
I am now way more intolerant of JERKS.
GL, it was just so ironic. "baby king" came to mind. I read somewhere selfish ppl become that way because they lacked attention at decisive moments when they were babies and spend their life trying to get it back anxious to have someone to tell them
"yes you DO exist"
Errata: I wrote
I am now way more intolerant on drunks and active alkies.
I would like to rephrase that to
I am now way more intolerant of JERKS.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Just my two cents but if anyone is staying in a relationship with the hope the alcoholic will magically get better, or based on third hand information that the alcoholic is indeed getting better - just remember that they are master manipulators and actors. My Ex has convinced everyone in her close circle that she's doing great and not drinking. Yeah, all of a sudden, magically she's conquered the demon that has made her lie, cheat steal, and fake her way through rehab. Yep. She conquered it without any sort of help and without being in actual recovery or taking any steps whatsoever. I just know it's an act, guaranteed. I wouldn't believe them when they say things like they are finally liking looking in the mirror and seeing what's looking back. That's usually Horse bleep.
Her inner sanctum is made up of her enablers and other alkies.......so yeah, I suppose they would believe she is getting better.
Add to that infidelity and I don't know how you ladies do it - but then, infidelity is another tool to keep you in line, albeit extreme.
Her inner sanctum is made up of her enablers and other alkies.......so yeah, I suppose they would believe she is getting better.
Add to that infidelity and I don't know how you ladies do it - but then, infidelity is another tool to keep you in line, albeit extreme.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Add to that infidelity and I don't know how you ladies do it - but then, infidelity is another tool to keep you in line, albeit extreme.
My yoga plans are in the toilet, have a sick kid at home and he won't be leaving till 4 then I have to drive to a meeting about 30 minutes away.
Functioning on about 4 hours of sleep.
I will try to go to the 830 class. Hell, I should just go no matter what, just like NC Keep it no matter what..
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Have you read buddhist literature? it talks about a wild monkey and compares it to our mind. If you "go there" thinking about ANYTHING or ANYONE related to AH, tame the wild monkey, think of something else right away. Wear a ribbon and snap it anytime you "go there". You can use the consistency you have shown in yoga to train your "monkey". What I did was IMMEDIATELY think of a GREAT MEMORY that happened WAY before I met the alkie. Something that only involved me or other ppl that truly LOVE and ACCEPT me. Those magical moments you've had? this is the time to use them until it sinks in that YES there's much to life without AH.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I work hard on my own life, really love what I'm doing wtih it in many ways and get better. Then i voluntarily step into this black hole.
When I was with my exA I did this too. I was highly driven and achievement oriented. Now I just want to not make waves in the world and keep to myself. I am working on getting my old self back. Lots of self confidence work.
I did not realize at the time what a toll the chronic stress and tension had caused me. My sense of me was shakey and I was tired. I forgot about the world outside of my toxic relationship. When eventually faced with going it alone, I was so tired and beaten down that retreating to him seemed like a safe zone. At least I knew what to expect.
Time is what has helped me. No contact has helped me. Even now when he makes some sort of indirect contact, it spins me a bit. I have to remember all that took place and how messed up he is and how messed I am with him. Life really does get easier without someone's insanity.
When I was with my exA I did this too. I was highly driven and achievement oriented. Now I just want to not make waves in the world and keep to myself. I am working on getting my old self back. Lots of self confidence work.
I did not realize at the time what a toll the chronic stress and tension had caused me. My sense of me was shakey and I was tired. I forgot about the world outside of my toxic relationship. When eventually faced with going it alone, I was so tired and beaten down that retreating to him seemed like a safe zone. At least I knew what to expect.
Time is what has helped me. No contact has helped me. Even now when he makes some sort of indirect contact, it spins me a bit. I have to remember all that took place and how messed up he is and how messed I am with him. Life really does get easier without someone's insanity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I truly understand the pull you feel towards this drama, It's hard to let go.
You're both addicts in need of that "fix". The codie/alchie dance. The flaming, the hurting, the "You did this to me" and the "yeah well you made me do it"
I'm a big believer that people can change, people can get well, and I don't doubt your ex wants things between you to be better, but that can NOT happen EVER unless he's in recovery.
Couples therapy is a waste.
Many years back, I contacted a addiction therapist telling him my boyfriend was an addict and we needed help.
His email reply was "Are you both in recovery?", to which I answered a stunned "Well no"
He said "You both need to be in recovery for 6 months apart before healing as a couple can begin"
Of course, at the time I had no clue what he meant. Then I hit the Al Anon circuit and had a A HA moment!
No contact is hard especially when the other person keeps in contact.
Like any addict, you'll find your bottom and you'll finally have enough and let go.
Do you go to Al Anon regularly and have a sponsor?
You're both addicts in need of that "fix". The codie/alchie dance. The flaming, the hurting, the "You did this to me" and the "yeah well you made me do it"
I'm a big believer that people can change, people can get well, and I don't doubt your ex wants things between you to be better, but that can NOT happen EVER unless he's in recovery.
Couples therapy is a waste.
Many years back, I contacted a addiction therapist telling him my boyfriend was an addict and we needed help.
His email reply was "Are you both in recovery?", to which I answered a stunned "Well no"
He said "You both need to be in recovery for 6 months apart before healing as a couple can begin"
Of course, at the time I had no clue what he meant. Then I hit the Al Anon circuit and had a A HA moment!
No contact is hard especially when the other person keeps in contact.
Like any addict, you'll find your bottom and you'll finally have enough and let go.
Do you go to Al Anon regularly and have a sponsor?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Infidelity is such a power grab. People need to realise that it's all part of control - control to make you weak and at your man's mercy, and to heal his constantly flailing ego. I think it also indicates a serious entitlement complex. Don't know if my exgf ever cheated but it wouldn't surprise me at all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
I've been sick and not online for a few days. Just finished reading this thread top to bottom, and I have to say, I've loved watching your progression, Transform. I appreciate your honesty and candor, your willingness to examine, and more importantly, the really awesome wisdom that came from you and from everyone else who shared their ESH.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Cowgirl I hope you're feeling better soon. 
To answer, I'm sorry I forgot your name, but I'm going to start going back to al anon. Will only help.
I'm leaving right now, yes at 11 at night, for date number two with RA friend. He just got off work and we're going to make some food and watch THE INVENTION OF LYING.
Take that.
To answer, I'm sorry I forgot your name, but I'm going to start going back to al anon. Will only help.
I'm leaving right now, yes at 11 at night, for date number two with RA friend. He just got off work and we're going to make some food and watch THE INVENTION OF LYING.
Take that.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I've loved watching your progression, Transform. I appreciate your honesty and candor, your willingness to examine, and more importantly, the really awesome wisdom that came from you and from everyone else who shared their ESH.
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