Freedom1990

For me, attempting marriage counseling with a partner still active in alcoholism is like the proverbial Dutch boy standing with his finger in the hole in the dike.

transformyself

.

This actually made me laugh as I wasn't in many ways the quiet suck it up until I get ill codie. I'm the raging crazy codie that makes everyone wonder what's wrong wtih that nice mans wife. Not until the latter stages of us living together that is. And i think I figured that out too.

His affair leveled the playing field for him. It shut me up and made me hurt so badly that I stopped telling him to get sober. IT made me crawl and be willing to take him back and do whatever he wanted.

Today I know he does not deserve me. I've been here before and that trigger last night was just a repeat of our sick pattern. I don't live there anymore, thank goodness, and don't want to go back to it ever again.

If he actually finds us counceling I'll go. But it's NC until then.

transformyself

I"m sure you're right. Where's Jadmack with a picture of this?

GiveLove

So he won't go back to OW because he finds her repulsive? How nice.

What about the next one, who's cute and subservient and makes him feel like Mr. Big Man, not asking anything of him like respect and decency? If I learned anything from my last relationship with such a man, it is this: If you think it can't get any worse, you're sadly mistaken.

He may find this one women 'repulsive' now, but he hasn't solved the bigger problem. He's just removed this one from the picture....and not even that, because evidently your feelings are not worth going NC with her. Must not be all that repulsive.

From what you have shared with us, it is apparent that he is a very screwed up, self-centered, active alcoholic, and will continue to wreak havoc in your life as long as you let him, transformie. More emotional abuse, more self-centered manipulation, more infidelity, more disrespect.

We love you and so I can't help but hope in my heart of hearts that you'll excise this cancerous growth from your life by going NC, except in essential communication about the kids. As you learned yesterday, if you choose to have a companion, there are far better and more stable companions out there for the choosing.

In the bigger work of your time here on Earth -- getting past your demons and moving on to a brilliant life -- it looks from this perspective like he is holding you back, not moving you forward.

Hope you have a better day today!!

transformyself

Ok for some reason this made me laugh out loud. It's true!

I am feeling better today GL, thank you. You are only right about everything. Especially this:
which makes me furious. You are so right.

Even though I know you're not suppose to announce when you're going NC, I am more comfortable setting this boundary and then enforcing it. For whatever reason, it helps me and always has. I think because I can't play that game with myself, thinking, oh he just doesn't know my boundary. Now I know he does know this boundary and enforcing it will be easier for me.

So I sent him an email that says:

posiesperson

Oh, Givelove, that's a great point. And it bears out in my experience too. It seems my A will do almost anything to keep all the options open--keep me close, keep other options open with other people; talk about alcohol being "a problem" while keeping the possibility of "social drinking" open; talk about wanting a family life all together while acting like a self-centered frat boy.

Wow! Posie has a new lightbulb going off in her head!!

And continued hugs to you, transform.

megan09

He sounds like an a***hole! Hope u r feeling better! From what I know about reputable counsellors, they will not attempt to repair a relationship while addiction is active - it is a pointless exercise.

Jadmack25

I is here!!
Sheesh you don't make it easy for me, but I think I have found a couple for you.

Finger in dyke 1.


Does this explain why he is not able to think straight?

Finger in dyke 2



Let him stay there and don't you help him plug his holes anymore.

God bless

veracious

I found that making a few changes on my cell phone as a remind to not read his texts or respond to him has really worked for me. Instead of his real name being on my contacts list on my cell phone i changed his name to "NO" .In times of weakness it has really been my strength. I know it seems silly but it helps.

I know for me if i even look at the text, once again i will have played my role in the dance with him. Dont allow him the opportunity to sway you off the path you have chosen for yourself.

I have started to go to alanon and counseling on my own. Which has really helped me feel more powerful since i allowed him to take my personal power away. Dont give him your power by letting his opinion even count in your head for even a second.

I can tell you one thing my dear he would have made the decision not to go to counseling no matter what you did.

His craziness is not your fault just remember that. And believe me it is crazy to continue on that path.

transformyself

I am feeling SO much better. I turned music up loud and cleaned the kitchen and am making food for my kids then will go out and patch up the holes in teh fence so the puppy stops escaping.

A comedian I wrote about just sent me a message. He's coming back to town to perform again and is now going to Bikram yoga, something I nagged him to do when I interviewed him. I"m meeting him at the studio for class this week and going to see his show. He's hilarious.

This is my life without my AH. I love it.

transformyself

Oh, and I forgot to mention he's texted me like 10 times and just came over. He is freaked out about gossip about him from the other store (where OW works) but I just stood there amazed that he came over and started talking to me like nothing had happened. WAnting my support.

So I said,

I sent you an email today about my boundaries. Get a councelor for us if you want but I'm not interested in supporting or talking to you. My feelings aren't important enough to you to stop talking to OW. And last night you blamed me for being damaged by your affair. I dont' give a sh1t about your problems at work. Please leave.

He acted all hurt. Dont care. Goodbye.

freefalling

(((Transformie))) , I said it before and I am sure I will say it again on this forum. Without real recovery I found that my AH's good stuff was as hooking as his bad stuff. It kept me on the rollercoaster and I had to get off after 20 years because it was killing me. Trust your gut. I saw that you are not ready for divorce. Is one ever ready to conquer your biggest fear ?Recovery from alcoholism takes dedication - and I dont see that with him. What have you got to lose?

Hugs again

coffeedrinker

transformie,

so much wisdom in this thread, eh? you have gotten to a great place - a place where you needed to get to. i'm so glad. i have been following this since yesterday, and sometimes it's hard to remember specifics, but i get it that he is actively using, and yes, there is no possibility of working much out, for real, when that is present.

i, too, would send a message about n/c. to me, it seems like the decent thing to do; otherwise i think it is cruel. (i mean different circumstances surely do warrant that....)

thank you for honoring us with pieces of your life. hope you having a good day.

transformyself

Well it's me who is honored by the wisdom and compassion here. It helps me get to where I need to go. But you're welcome.

And Jadmack, THANK YOU for the pictures!

I want to say that I plan to examine this thread and the other one over the next few days, take it to my therapist and really dig into this crap regardless of AH's actions. I need to put a stop to this.

First and foremost is NC, no matter what. I have resisted it. I have refused it. I have tried to trick myself into believing it's not necessary. But him telling me that he refuses to go NC with OW and I'm being controlling and he can't help me when I"m hurting is ridiculous.

He's done this--WE have done this--for over a year with her. He has tortured me with this affair, with refusing to not speak to her, with sneaking out to see her, with treating me like crap then coming crawling back the next day.
I dont' care if he's working out his issue with her, he keeps putting the focus on his needs not mine.

It's stupid. He's a selfish narcissistic jerkwad that doesn't deserve to be with me.
And, just to keep things balanced, I'm a whiny sniveling dumba** who can't stop asking for more abuse. "More kicks to the gut please."

freefalling

OW -dealbreaker !!!!!!
with this getting in the way of a marriage - it can work out in SOBRIETY and with committment. None of it there now!

Sobriety is committment and it seems like your man(like mine) cannot take responsibility at this stage. Where does that leave you? Oh did I not hate this question at the beginning of my recovery!I wanted someone to give me the answer LOL

It leaves you in a position of power where you will decide what is best for you and the kids.

transformyself

Well, we just worked out this weeks schedule over the phone. I was pleasant and ended the call right away when we were done.

I think I'll be ok. I just need to carry this thread around with me, keep GL's little rant circling in my head. And keep doing my own, spectacular, can't-wait-to-see-what-I-can-do-next life.

If nothing else, it's interesting. Now, to get rid of, or make clearer better boundaries with the other crybaby chaos making A in my life. The business partner.

AND

I just realized I need to put it out of my head entirely that he'll actually find a councelor for us. He's not going to do that, come on. He'll wait until he feels desperate enough to toss that into his bag of manipulations. ******.

MissFixit

One thing I wanted to add. We cannot make someone stop drinking and we cannot make someone be faithful or tell the truth. All are actions that each person must decide for him/herself.

My exA cheated too. It was devastating. Never did I see it coming. I never said "don't cheat" as I did not see it as an option even when he was drinking. He did it anyway.

He was told by her never to contact me. He has been contacting me and my family. He does it anyway.

People do what they want. We cannot control them.

transformyself

Miss Fixit
All true. thank you and
About your AH I just wanted to add

He's a douchebag

posiesperson

Wow, transform--you sound very strong and in your power. Congrats! You're doing a great job holding those boundaries. It seems like you have felt a major shift. Thanks for telling your story.

And thanks for all the positive posts...what a great forum.

posie

Kimmieh

No offense, but he sounds like a giant douche. In my experience, if he had truly worked through his issues with OW, he wouldn't talk trash about her. If you have truly worked through an issue with someone, at least in my mind, you don't feel the need to judge and take inventory anymore.

Based on what I read in this thread, couple counseling would be a great opportunity for him to keep you close and manipulate you out of NC. I honestly don't see how it would benefit you...but perhaps I missed something, I don't know...