Need some prespective
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Maplewood, MN
Posts: 121
Need some prespective
I have been on these boards for many years. I am an alcoholic, with 1 1/2 years sober! My program and foundation is strong, and I am loving who I am today. My problem is this, I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We do not live together yet. He is an alcoholic, who has not quit. He never quit drinking around me when I quit, he actually started drinking more. He drinks 12+ beers a day.
Here is the thing. He doesn't get nasty, say mean things, doesn't miss work etc. BUT, he drinks every waking moment. Before work, on the way to work in the car, when he gets up, and eveywhere else inbetween. He does have trouble remember things, duh, he is buzzed. He is not good at responsibility, cause drinking makes him lazy, he would rather be drinking than doing what needs to be done. I almost feel like the guy in the relationship.
So, even though he is "functional" I have gotten absolutely disgusted by the amount he drinks. I have become so emotionally detached from him, and this is the main issue.
I guess what I need affirmation about is, am I being unrealistic in the way I feel? Am I over judging this, should I not feel this way since he doesn't get nasty, doesn't miss work etc....
I haven't talked to him yet, don't even know how to start it, but I am soooo far away mentally, its hard for me to even look at him. Any input would be appreciated!
Here is the thing. He doesn't get nasty, say mean things, doesn't miss work etc. BUT, he drinks every waking moment. Before work, on the way to work in the car, when he gets up, and eveywhere else inbetween. He does have trouble remember things, duh, he is buzzed. He is not good at responsibility, cause drinking makes him lazy, he would rather be drinking than doing what needs to be done. I almost feel like the guy in the relationship.
So, even though he is "functional" I have gotten absolutely disgusted by the amount he drinks. I have become so emotionally detached from him, and this is the main issue.
I guess what I need affirmation about is, am I being unrealistic in the way I feel? Am I over judging this, should I not feel this way since he doesn't get nasty, doesn't miss work etc....
I haven't talked to him yet, don't even know how to start it, but I am soooo far away mentally, its hard for me to even look at him. Any input would be appreciated!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
you can feel however you want. you have the right to judge that he is drinking too much....for you to be around. if he belches after a meal, you also have the right to judge that that's not acceptable either. i'm not misunderstanding -- you are questioning about your acceptance. but the point i'm trying to make is, you can name what you want in your relationship, and in your partner. what you can't do (effectively) is tell him what he can or cannot do. because you really have no control over it.
you will get up the nerve to talk to him about this - either sooner or later. but i would suggest that when you do, you state what you don't care for, and then put a boundary in place. we talk a lot about boundaries here; it's tricky to "get".
i guess one of my concerns is for you to be around a person in active alcohol addiction. i am concered for your sobriety.
you will get up the nerve to talk to him about this - either sooner or later. but i would suggest that when you do, you state what you don't care for, and then put a boundary in place. we talk a lot about boundaries here; it's tricky to "get".
i guess one of my concerns is for you to be around a person in active alcohol addiction. i am concered for your sobriety.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I guess what I need affirmation about is, am I being unrealistic in the way I feel?
Am I over judging this
should I not feel this way since he doesn't get nasty, doesn't miss work etc....
This makes total sense to me what is coming to the forefront of your consciousness and awareness at this time in your life. I think you have read enough and learned enough to know that he is not going to REMAIN this way and will likely at some point BECOME nasty and start to miss work, etc because alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease. It is GOING TO GET UGLIER I GUARANTEE you. Your question seems to be, "Do I want to stick around for the wait-see?" None for me thanks.
I haven't talked to him yet, don't even know how to start it, but I am soooo far away mentally, its hard for me to even look at him.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
It sounds to me, Jackie
like you've simply reached that part in your own recovery
where you are learning that
you can decide what you will and willnot be around any more.
that's a sign of growth - of progress!
And yeah it's gonna have to come down to another decision
from you post however
I think you already know what the decision is going to be.
like you've simply reached that part in your own recovery
where you are learning that
you can decide what you will and willnot be around any more.
that's a sign of growth - of progress!
And yeah it's gonna have to come down to another decision
from you post however
I think you already know what the decision is going to be.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Congrats on your sobertime Jackie!
I'm a recovering A myself. I am also a recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic.
One of the tools I learned at Alanon was to trust myself. I can make healthy decisions. Living with and loving an active alcoholic, I doubted myself. I wondered:
It's not that bad
Maybe this time will be different
If I had said this differently or
If I had done this better or
If only.......
The truth is I have this intuition that guides me into doing what is best for me. I just forgot how important ME really is. I am important. My happiness is important. My life is important. I matter.
You do too Jackie. Your intuition is telling you something. Listen. You are being guided into a healtier life for you.
I'm a recovering A myself. I am also a recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic.
One of the tools I learned at Alanon was to trust myself. I can make healthy decisions. Living with and loving an active alcoholic, I doubted myself. I wondered:
It's not that bad
Maybe this time will be different
If I had said this differently or
If I had done this better or
If only.......
The truth is I have this intuition that guides me into doing what is best for me. I just forgot how important ME really is. I am important. My happiness is important. My life is important. I matter.
You do too Jackie. Your intuition is telling you something. Listen. You are being guided into a healtier life for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
No, you are not being unrealistic. Feelings are neither realistic nor unrealistic. Your feelings are never wrong. Your feelings are YOU. Trust them.
No, you are not overjudging this. It sounds like a normal part of your Recovery. After I got sober I still got involved with people who drank and now I realize that was not a good move because eventually, being around that caused me to relapse. Several times. Which got me all sorts of other kinds of trouble repeating itself over and over. Now that it has repeated itself over and over a couple different times for a couple years each time, I'm ready to see now that I SHOULD NOT BE WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK AT ALL. YAY! It only took me like 13 years after I first got sober to figure this out. I'm glad you are starting to figure things out after a year and a half. Way to go!
No, you SHOULD feel this way. I think you are just getting to realizing some things about your life now that you have been sober this long. I think that right now is just the time that you are ready to evaluate this part of your life and what you are observing, thinking and feeling is just different than what you are used to.
This makes total sense to me what is coming to the forefront of your consciousness and awareness at this time in your life. I think you have read enough and learned enough to know that he is not going to REMAIN this way and will likely at some point BECOME nasty and start to miss work, etc because alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease. It is GOING TO GET UGLIER I GUARANTEE you. Your question seems to be, "Do I want to stick around for the wait-see?" None for me thanks.
You know you don't have to discuss what to do with him. You may have already decided that THIS relationship is not what you want and that you want to move on and if so, that is OK. We are all here with you sister.
No, you are not overjudging this. It sounds like a normal part of your Recovery. After I got sober I still got involved with people who drank and now I realize that was not a good move because eventually, being around that caused me to relapse. Several times. Which got me all sorts of other kinds of trouble repeating itself over and over. Now that it has repeated itself over and over a couple different times for a couple years each time, I'm ready to see now that I SHOULD NOT BE WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK AT ALL. YAY! It only took me like 13 years after I first got sober to figure this out. I'm glad you are starting to figure things out after a year and a half. Way to go!
No, you SHOULD feel this way. I think you are just getting to realizing some things about your life now that you have been sober this long. I think that right now is just the time that you are ready to evaluate this part of your life and what you are observing, thinking and feeling is just different than what you are used to.
This makes total sense to me what is coming to the forefront of your consciousness and awareness at this time in your life. I think you have read enough and learned enough to know that he is not going to REMAIN this way and will likely at some point BECOME nasty and start to miss work, etc because alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease. It is GOING TO GET UGLIER I GUARANTEE you. Your question seems to be, "Do I want to stick around for the wait-see?" None for me thanks.
You know you don't have to discuss what to do with him. You may have already decided that THIS relationship is not what you want and that you want to move on and if so, that is OK. We are all here with you sister.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by anvilhead
you two are on vastly different paths now........and YOUR sobriety has to come first and foremost. being involved with someone who drinks is at the very least being on a slippery slope....for YOU.
Thank God my ship didn't completely sink, and I made it back.
No one is worth putting my hard-earned sobriety at risk. End of story.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
If I had a dollar for every time I drank over the last 13 years for the simple fact that I am by nature, "monkey-see, monkey-do," ... I HAVE to accept this about myself and start taking it seriously.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Maplewood, MN
Posts: 121
Thank you so much!!
My computer is down at home, so I can only access when I am at work Thank you so much for your input, I really do appreciate it!
The biggest thing for me is I am GROWING, and he is stuck in imaturity. I feel bad, guilty, and it is consuming me. This is the really stupid thing here that is stuck in my head, I am 42 and I feel like if he doesn't change I am to old and will be left to myself the rest of my life. I know there is alot of eye rolling going on right now, lol, but it does run through my head.
Being around people that drink really doesn't bother me at all in the least. Being around people I know have a problem with it, and it is constant, that is what I have a problem with. I have overcome alot, and I feel very strong in my sobriety, BUT I am not dumb enough to KNOW that it could snap for me at any given time.
Anyway, his drinking consumes my thoughts and my moods. I am unhappy, sad. How the heck do you guys really detach emotionally?
So I think what it comes down to is that I have to be honest with him and let him know I can't live with it and be happy. And what he chooses to do with the information I give him, will help in my decision on what I want to do with my life.
Thank you so much for your input, I really do appreciate it!The biggest thing for me is I am GROWING, and he is stuck in imaturity. I feel bad, guilty, and it is consuming me. This is the really stupid thing here that is stuck in my head, I am 42 and I feel like if he doesn't change I am to old and will be left to myself the rest of my life. I know there is alot of eye rolling going on right now, lol, but it does run through my head.
Being around people that drink really doesn't bother me at all in the least. Being around people I know have a problem with it, and it is constant, that is what I have a problem with. I have overcome alot, and I feel very strong in my sobriety, BUT I am not dumb enough to KNOW that it could snap for me at any given time.
Anyway, his drinking consumes my thoughts and my moods. I am unhappy, sad. How the heck do you guys really detach emotionally?
So I think what it comes down to is that I have to be honest with him and let him know I can't live with it and be happy. And what he chooses to do with the information I give him, will help in my decision on what I want to do with my life.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Can I just repeat this five hundred million times?
One of the tools I learned at Alanon was to trust myself. I can make healthy decisions. Living with and loving an active alcoholic, I doubted myself. I wondered:
It's not that bad
Maybe this time will be different
If I had said this differently or
If I had done this better or
If only.......
It's not that bad
Maybe this time will be different
If I had said this differently or
If I had done this better or
If only.......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Maplewood, MN
Posts: 121
I think maybe thats one of the things I have not learned yet, is to trust myself. You know that insecurity, always being the puppet, making sure everyone around you is happy but you?
I feel different with myself, I do feel stronger. I guess I needed the vaildation from you all that have been through this that what I am feeling is ok.
I feel different with myself, I do feel stronger. I guess I needed the vaildation from you all that have been through this that what I am feeling is ok.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How the heck do you guys really detach emotionally?
I recommend you start by recognizing your feelings of guilt about him and about leaving him, each and EVERY time they come up, and then consciously telling yourself to STOP IT (I did this OUT LOUD when I was feeling REALLY guilty). After doing this about a week or so (depending on how "sick" you might be at the moment) it will start to become automatic. Then, all you have to do at that point is KEEP the guilt from ever creeping back in. You do this by learning how to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate you with guilt. The less you talk to that person, the less opportunity he has to slip that guilt into your brain without you knowing it.
Also, eliminate any and all Magical Thinking. This is a little tougher, IMO. If you believe you are "meant to be together" come back to Earth and realize NO ONE is "meant to be together." There is no such thing as "The One." Stop believing in soul mates, destiny, whatever.
Next, DIS-own or DIS-possess the other person (you can't OWN someone anyway but we talk and think all the time as if we do). If you want to emotionally detach, stop calling him YOUR anything (YOUR boyfriend, YOUR friend, YOUR husband, whatever).
Also, keep yourself in the PRESENT MOMENT. Don't think about your upcoming birthday, what you're going to get him this Christmas, where you want to go next vacation. As soon as you sense your thoughts are wandering to those things you might miss, bring your thoughts back to TODAY.
(THIS is exactly the reason why I had to stop celebrating holidays and birthdays entirely. It was just too painful for me to imagine myself NOT having Christmas and birthdays and Easter and all those events and celebrations with him and his Mom (who had become my BEST friend, and my "second mother"). Words cannot describe the AGONY and PAIN and SUFFERING I put myself through trying to just LET GO of that. Even now, as I type this, THIRTEEN years later I am crying as my heart and my soul remember this agony. I had FINALLY found the FAMILY I had never had, I FINALLY fit somewhere, I was FINALLY cared about. Oh Gosh...
I couldn't let go of that but I COULD let go of the holidays entirely. So I did. I know, weird, and like throwing the baby out with the bath water but IT WORKED and I'm happier for it in the long run. It makes sense to me now on so many other levels. We find whatever works and we try that and for as long as it works, we keep doing it until it doesn't work anymore. So try to think outside the box; let yourself STEP OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE even though it HURTS to.
OK, I hope something here helps someone... Good On Ya' Jackie36 for gettin' yourself to this place in your life, and no worries, I'm 42 too, we've got plenty of time girl
Thanks for sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Maplewood, MN
Posts: 121
OK, I hope something here helps someone... Good On Ya' Jackie36 for gettin' yourself to this place in your life, and no worries, I'm 42 too, we've got plenty of time girl Thanks for sharing.
That made me smile!
Thank you so much, sounds like you have come along way.
I will sit today and re-read everything you all said, let it sink in.
That made me smile!
Thank you so much, sounds like you have come along way.
I will sit today and re-read everything you all said, let it sink in.
A just want to put some fun smilies in your thread 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
"You know that insecurity, always being the puppet, making sure everyone around you is happy but you?"
I know that insecurity! I was three years into my sobriety when I started dating an active A. It took a long time for me to realize that's what he was and actually, I think that I almost (this sounds crazy) felt guilty for having managed to maintain my own recovery. Kind of "who am I to have put together four years sober when this man I love is struggling." His behavior was less, and less attractive. But I second guessed myself left right and centre wondering whether my recovery meant I was making "too big a deal" or being hypersensitive, or asking for too much. Even after he got arrested..
Thing is, I never really did make a big deal. About behaviors that someone who had never been around alcoholism would probably have run like the wind at. I think maybe this was because having walked in his shoes I could really empathize, and remember how miserable it is to be in some of the places he put himself. I felt guilty (again, crazy) for not being there anymore and also absolutely certain that ... if I could get sober, anyone can - and he was surely getting to a place where he was going to choose recovery. What a mess.
By the end, I was starting to feel truly crazy again. As nutty as I had felt at the worst of my drinking - and that was without having touched a drop. I think that the more healthy we get the more we recognize that "ugh" feeling when we're around people or things that aren't healthy. The trap for me is learning to to assume that the "ugh" feeling means there is something wrong with me. I really hope to get to a place where that feeling means I walk away rather than stand still trying to figure out why something that messes with my serenity is messing with my serenity.
I'm at four and a half years and I can be around folks who have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer or two at a barbeque. But being around active alcoholism again - was too close to the bone. He didn't osmose sobriety but standing (sleeping) that close to this disease in action again was brutal for me. The ending was hard but I'm just starting to get enough perspective that
I know that insecurity! I was three years into my sobriety when I started dating an active A. It took a long time for me to realize that's what he was and actually, I think that I almost (this sounds crazy) felt guilty for having managed to maintain my own recovery. Kind of "who am I to have put together four years sober when this man I love is struggling." His behavior was less, and less attractive. But I second guessed myself left right and centre wondering whether my recovery meant I was making "too big a deal" or being hypersensitive, or asking for too much. Even after he got arrested..
Thing is, I never really did make a big deal. About behaviors that someone who had never been around alcoholism would probably have run like the wind at. I think maybe this was because having walked in his shoes I could really empathize, and remember how miserable it is to be in some of the places he put himself. I felt guilty (again, crazy) for not being there anymore and also absolutely certain that ... if I could get sober, anyone can - and he was surely getting to a place where he was going to choose recovery. What a mess.
By the end, I was starting to feel truly crazy again. As nutty as I had felt at the worst of my drinking - and that was without having touched a drop. I think that the more healthy we get the more we recognize that "ugh" feeling when we're around people or things that aren't healthy. The trap for me is learning to to assume that the "ugh" feeling means there is something wrong with me. I really hope to get to a place where that feeling means I walk away rather than stand still trying to figure out why something that messes with my serenity is messing with my serenity.
I'm at four and a half years and I can be around folks who have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer or two at a barbeque. But being around active alcoholism again - was too close to the bone. He didn't osmose sobriety but standing (sleeping) that close to this disease in action again was brutal for me. The ending was hard but I'm just starting to get enough perspective that
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Maplewood, MN
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by stilllearning
"You know that insecurity, always being the puppet, making sure everyone around you is happy but you?"
I know that insecurity! I was three years into my sobriety when I started dating an active A. It took a long time for me to realize that's what he was and actually, I think that I almost (this sounds crazy) felt guilty for having managed to maintain my own recovery. Kind of "who am I to have put together four years sober when this man I love is struggling." His behavior was less, and less attractive. But I second guessed myself left right and centre wondering whether my recovery meant I was making "too big a deal" or being hypersensitive, or asking for too much. Even after he got arrested..
Thing is, I never really did make a big deal. About behaviors that someone who had never been around alcoholism would probably have run like the wind at. I think maybe this was because having walked in his shoes I could really empathize, and remember how miserable it is to be in some of the places he put himself. I felt guilty (again, crazy) for not being there anymore and also absolutely certain that ... if I could get sober, anyone can - and he was surely getting to a place where he was going to choose recovery. What a mess.
By the end, I was starting to feel truly crazy again. As nutty as I had felt at the worst of my drinking - and that was without having touched a drop. I think that the more healthy we get the more we recognize that "ugh" feeling when we're around people or things that aren't healthy. The trap for me is learning to to assume that the "ugh" feeling means there is something wrong with me. I really hope to get to a place where that feeling means I walk away rather than stand still trying to figure out why something that messes with my serenity is messing with my serenity.
I'm at four and a half years and I can be around folks who have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer or two at a barbeque. But being around active alcoholism again - was too close to the bone. He didn't osmose sobriety but standing (sleeping) that close to this disease in action again was brutal for me. The ending was hard but I'm just starting to get enough perspective that
I know that insecurity! I was three years into my sobriety when I started dating an active A. It took a long time for me to realize that's what he was and actually, I think that I almost (this sounds crazy) felt guilty for having managed to maintain my own recovery. Kind of "who am I to have put together four years sober when this man I love is struggling." His behavior was less, and less attractive. But I second guessed myself left right and centre wondering whether my recovery meant I was making "too big a deal" or being hypersensitive, or asking for too much. Even after he got arrested..
Thing is, I never really did make a big deal. About behaviors that someone who had never been around alcoholism would probably have run like the wind at. I think maybe this was because having walked in his shoes I could really empathize, and remember how miserable it is to be in some of the places he put himself. I felt guilty (again, crazy) for not being there anymore and also absolutely certain that ... if I could get sober, anyone can - and he was surely getting to a place where he was going to choose recovery. What a mess.
By the end, I was starting to feel truly crazy again. As nutty as I had felt at the worst of my drinking - and that was without having touched a drop. I think that the more healthy we get the more we recognize that "ugh" feeling when we're around people or things that aren't healthy. The trap for me is learning to to assume that the "ugh" feeling means there is something wrong with me. I really hope to get to a place where that feeling means I walk away rather than stand still trying to figure out why something that messes with my serenity is messing with my serenity.
I'm at four and a half years and I can be around folks who have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer or two at a barbeque. But being around active alcoholism again - was too close to the bone. He didn't osmose sobriety but standing (sleeping) that close to this disease in action again was brutal for me. The ending was hard but I'm just starting to get enough perspective that
Originally Posted by stilllearning
oops - should have finished that sentence. I was about to write - I'm grateful for the relationship and grateful that it got me to Al-anon.
I have been batting around the idea of going to Al-anon. Not just because of him, many many years of dealing with alcoholism in my family.
You know, I feel so much better being able to "talk" about this, you guys are the first people I have expressed this to. I have been keeping all of these feelings in, and feeling smothered by it. I am not feeling so alone, or wrong at the moment, and I really appreciate you all talking with me!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
I should have started with congratulations on 18 months sober! That is awesome and you are amazing to have chosen recovery.
"I feel like he is almost beneath me, and I think who the hell am I to think that!!"
Exactly - or "who the hell am I to think that I deserve better than this?" I've only just gotten clear on the fact that part of that feeling was maybe I felt it was karmic payback or something for what I might have put loved ones through when I was drinking. Again, reading that back it looks completely crazy but that's about the size of it.
Also, having heard in the rooms about truly horrendous bottoms (and because he was a binge drinker who could go days without using) I figured that maybe it "wasn't so bad." It really was pretty bad. And the people you meet in the rooms are there because they want to get better. The alcoholics in my life are among the finest people I know - truly. They're also in recovery. Big difference between in recovery and not in recovery.
Al-anon really has been great. It's a weird combination that I need - AA teaches me to be humble. Al-anon is beginning to give me the feeling that I'm important enough to deserve sobriety in every corner of my life. I can make my amends by living honestly and being a good friend, daughter and sister. I don't have to let an active A spray on me just because I've been there. I'm not anymore and my own bottom was enough - I really hope not to have to coat-tail anyone else's.
"I feel like he is almost beneath me, and I think who the hell am I to think that!!"
Exactly - or "who the hell am I to think that I deserve better than this?" I've only just gotten clear on the fact that part of that feeling was maybe I felt it was karmic payback or something for what I might have put loved ones through when I was drinking. Again, reading that back it looks completely crazy but that's about the size of it.
Also, having heard in the rooms about truly horrendous bottoms (and because he was a binge drinker who could go days without using) I figured that maybe it "wasn't so bad." It really was pretty bad. And the people you meet in the rooms are there because they want to get better. The alcoholics in my life are among the finest people I know - truly. They're also in recovery. Big difference between in recovery and not in recovery.
Al-anon really has been great. It's a weird combination that I need - AA teaches me to be humble. Al-anon is beginning to give me the feeling that I'm important enough to deserve sobriety in every corner of my life. I can make my amends by living honestly and being a good friend, daughter and sister. I don't have to let an active A spray on me just because I've been there. I'm not anymore and my own bottom was enough - I really hope not to have to coat-tail anyone else's.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Jackie36
... I am 42 and I feel like if he doesn't change I am to old and will be left to myself the rest of my life. I know there is alot of eye rolling going on right now...
It is ENTIRELY VALID to see that you have only one lifespan, and if you use it up waiting on someone else to change, then you may lose other things as a consequence of not seeking what YOU really want in life.
We are here to tell you that YOU matter, that you can make your decisions based on what YOU think is best for YOU. Guilt-free - you may feel guilt, but you do not have to accept it if it's keeping you in an unhealthy, stagnant place.
You are allowed to guide your own destiny.
CLMI
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