KerBearz

I had a revelation today that I wanted to share...

My AH keeps getting into legal trouble due to drinking being a probation violation. Each time he gets "caught" drinking, he goes to jail, has to see the judge, etc. Several times he has been placed on a home monitoring system in which he has to blow into a breathalyzer 3 times a day. Every time he is on this home monitoring thing - he manages to stay sober... for a month or 3 months or however long it is. The threat of jail time keeps him sober - but as soon as it's done, he is back to drinking.

My revelation is this... if the threat of losing me is not enough "motivation" to stay sober... then he either does not believe me when I say I will leave him or he DOESN'T CARE! I actually had a friend tell me this once, but I think that now I actually get it. The rest of it is all BS.

Learn2Live

It's good you're thinking and talking through things KerBearz but this is not necessarily true. HIS alcoholism has NOTHING to do with YOU.

He may very well believe you (although whether or not you are believable is probably mostly to do with YOUR behavior) AND he may very well care A LOT about you, but he may be completely UNABLE to stop drinking.

KeepPedaling

Learn2Live, if he's unable to quit drinking, thank how come so many alcoholics are in recovery and don't drink?

Taking5

IMHO, he does not believe you will ever leave him. This is why he'll obey the court but not you.

KerBearz

This is what I also believe. If he were truly unable to quit drinking... then he would not be able to quit drinking by court order.

I'm sure he doesn't believe me because I've said I would leave him a million times! He is underestimating me this time.

MissFixit

if he's unable to quit drinking, thank how come so many alcoholics are in recovery and don't drink?

He is not in recovery. Until he is in recovery he is unable to quit drinking. Semantics.

MissFixit

My revelation is this... if the threat of losing me is not enough "motivation" to stay sober... then he either does not believe me when I say I will leave him or he DOESN'T CARE! I actually had a friend tell me this once, but I think that now I actually get it. The rest of it is all BS.
His feelings for you are not enough to stop him from drinking. He is an alcoholic. If his alcohol consumption is a problem to you, then you can make changes in your life to eliminate it.

KeepPedaling

If he quits drinking, he's choosing to be in recovery. Choice.

coffeedrinker

it seems that the choosing needs to be the choice to be in recovery. until he is, he has not chosen to not drink. splitting hairs?

MaryGoRound

This is the eternal debate isn't it?

I think its a choice. A tough one, but a choice. I'm sure the addiction is so bad in some cases it becomes less of a choice or a harder one to make...but its a choice to stop. Or to take that first step.

Either way Kerbearz...its sound like you feel strong and you're standing your ground which is good. Feels good doesn't it? Its very empowering but also very scary and extremely hard and sad too.

I'm realizing we really do teach people how to treat us. It's so simple and wish i would have realized this earlier!!!!

barb dwyer

KerBears -

Every time i see a threat title 'revelation' I ZOOM over to see what's been figured out! LOL!

I agree, tho - with Learn2Live, tho -

the question isn't that he doesn't love you.
The alcoholism is in the place where his HP should bwe.
So that throws ALL the other priorities out of whack.

I finally realized
(as I think YOU have today)
that I was NEVER going to be
more to him than his beer.

That enabled me to walk.

I realized I deserved to be someone's #1.
I realized that I had NEVER been ANYONE's #1.
EVER. My whole life.
I wasn't even MY OWN #1.

And once in this life - I deserve to feel that.

At the same time-

I have to be very very careful
NOT TO PUT SOMEONE IN THE #1 PLACE WITH ME.
That space is reserved for The Infinite.
The Great Mystery. The Big Whatever.

Nothing -
no one-no thing-n0 man
can ever get between me
and the Light of the Undefineable.

I'm hoping this is what you came to today.
it's a huge thing - it really is.

just ... don't take it personal.

KerBearz

Thank you Barb! That is it exactly... that is exactly how I feel.

I do know my husband loves me. I really, honestly believe that he does love me and I love him too, BUT I am not now - nor have I ever been more important to him than alcohol.

And I feel that I deserve to be cherished.

Learn2Live

KerBearz, How can he LOVE you but at the same time not CARE about you?

Right. This is the whole point, isn't it? Alcohol and relationships just do not mix. Alcoholics have a very intimate relationship with their alcohol, to the point where you feel like you are being cheated on. You do not FEEL loved, respected, cherished, important, or probably anything any of us WANT to feel in our relationship.

But an alcoholic marriage or relationship is just not healthy all the way around. It is a DISEASE and it dis-eases EVERYTHING and EVERYONE it comes in contact with.

It is unnatural to be saying, "My husband loves alcohol more than he loves me." It's absurd actually that you are making this comparison (it is absurd that ANY of us ever made this comparison, which ALL of us probably have). The fact that your husband is doing what he is doing with alcohol has NOTHING to do with what is more important to him.

You can argue all you want that the reason your husband acts the way he does is because he doesn't love you enough or he doesn't care about you or you are not important enough and you can look for all the evidence you want to support these beliefs. But you are just spinning your wheels because it is a FALLACY to believe that his alcoholism has ANYTHING to do with YOU or YOUR worth OR your marriage. That was entirely my point in saying HIS alcoholism has NOTHING to do with YOU.

This is you trying to make sense of insanity. He obviously has NOT quit drinking by court order else you would not be posting this. He has ONLY been able to abstain long enough to avoid going to jail.

I recommend you learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism (some other posters have suggested some very good books on other threads recently) and attend Al-Anon.

barb dwyer

ka-ZING!!!!!!

Learn2Live

Whether or not so many OTHER alcoholics get into recovery and are able to quit drinking has NOTHING to do with THIS man and HIS ability to quit. For every one who gets sober there is at least one who doesn't. I don't know the statistics but I assure you my father LOVES my mother and cares for and about her but he will DIE of this HORRID, insidious, evil disease. As will many of us.

KerBearz

Thank you L2L

I am tired of all this and I guess it doesn't really matter anymore if he can't or he doesn't want to... I don't want to live with this disease anymore.

23 years of marriage has included multiple inpatient and outpatient treatments. He says he wants to recover and he says he is working a recovery program (attending AA, etc), and yet he is still drinking. I just think it is time for me to recover whether he does or not. Thanks everyone for the thoughtful feedback.

coffeedrinker

sounds pretty sane

Neese

It is so sad to know we can love someone and realize they love us too, but this disease keeps them from us. No wonder it is so difficult to leave without feeling guilt and/or a sense of abandoning them.

My head knows the truth, but my heart is so broken with the reality of it.

JenT1968

I'm not going to debate it, because there's no point, it's all just opinions and ways of viewing the world in the end, you get to choose what works for you. But FWIW I agree that this is true,

and I do think that you can love someone, to the limits of your own ability to love (in that you can feel a strong loving feeling towards them) and care about them and their feelings, without caring that they experience your behaviour in one or two aspects as damaging. I believe you can love yourself, to the limits of your own ability and care for yourself, without caring that one or two aspects of your own behaviour are damaging to your own health (I smoked and brushed my teeth, I cared that my teeth may fall out but not that the cigarettes would kill me).

When I talk about not caring, that does not mean relish that someone else is hurting or purposely seek to hurt them, I really mean NOT CARE, unable to feel the impact emotionally, that they are hurting because of something I am doing. It's a defence mechanism: the doing is critical and therefore it has to be more important than the consequence. A disconnect is made between actions and consequences, a blindspot, a denial of the validity of the consequence, a seeking to place the consequence elsewhere: isn't that the essense of what keeps addiction alive in people? allows people to maintain the fantasy?

This is the essense though isn't it? I'm sorry that you are going through this, but hope the above gives you some peace, it did me.

Learn2Live

I can see your point JenT; that is what it is about for me now. But it does depend on where a person is in their life when saying "if the threat of losing me is not enough "motivation" to stay sober... then he either does not believe me when I say I will leave him or he DOESN'T CARE!" When I found myself saying these words at age 29, I was in despair and close to death at those feelings. That's the place my responses come from. Of course we can't always know where the OP is coming from...