Drinking in bed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Drinking in bed
I'm trying to be patient with my husband. I haven't complained about his drinking since our fight last week. I usually just got to bed and watch tv in my room. I have noticed that I do stay more calm if I'm not around him when he is drunk. (Even a little drunk). The problem is that twice in the last week he has gotten into bed with me and continued drinking. He usually passes out within the hour, but I feel like my safe spot is being taken away. I'm pregnant and he insisted on coming into bed last week to rub my feet. It's a sweet thought (my H is a nice drunk for the most part), but I don't want him to touch me if he's been drinking. I'm pregnant and the smell of alcohol turns my stomach, not to mention that I feel violated. Not to mention he's annoying and doesn't make total sense. He started calling me a brat because I was complaining because he was moving my legs in uncomfortable positions. Last night he offered to rub my legs while he was sober (which I like) but by the time he made it to bed he was half drunk and reeked of beer. Fortunately, he forgot to rub my feet so I got out of it. Unfortunately, he passed out with his face on my pillow. He refuses to shower or brush his teeth at night and he wears his dirty work shirts (he doesn't have an office job) to bed. He stinks and I don't want to smell him!
I know that I should just leave the room, but I feel like it's MY room. The living room scares me at night and is cold and the guest room doesn't have a bathroom attached and I pee all the time because I'm pregnant.
Any ideas are welcome on how to get him out of the bedroom before I go to bed. I wouldn't mind if he was clean and sober, but he's not. And he can go from sober to drunk SOOOOO fast. It's like "Wow, I swear 20 minutes ago you were fine."
I know that I should just leave the room, but I feel like it's MY room. The living room scares me at night and is cold and the guest room doesn't have a bathroom attached and I pee all the time because I'm pregnant.
Any ideas are welcome on how to get him out of the bedroom before I go to bed. I wouldn't mind if he was clean and sober, but he's not. And he can go from sober to drunk SOOOOO fast. It's like "Wow, I swear 20 minutes ago you were fine."
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Ok, that sounds so annoying and horrible. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that while you're pregnant. UGH! YUCK! I can't stand the smell of beer on my best day.
Is there any way you could set boundaries with him and tell him, since you're pregnant and the smell of beer makes you nauseous, when he drinks he has to sleep in another room?
My friend in grade school had it right, "Boys smell."
Is there any way you could set boundaries with him and tell him, since you're pregnant and the smell of beer makes you nauseous, when he drinks he has to sleep in another room?
My friend in grade school had it right, "Boys smell."
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Your post brought back some memories for me. I remember very well feeling 'violated' so many times over the years when I was with my EXAH. My home was never a home, really.
It hurts my heart to think of you being pregnant, and living like you are.
What can you do to set clear boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself and your emotional well-being?
I don't have any clear cut answers for you. He's going to do what he's going to do.
It hurts my heart to think of you being pregnant, and living like you are.
What can you do to set clear boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself and your emotional well-being?
I don't have any clear cut answers for you. He's going to do what he's going to do.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
It looks like you need a boundary here.
My AH can get really annoying when drunk and he would wake me up or keep me from falling asleep ALL the time, plus I couldn't stand the smell anymore. So, as soon as I figured out how to look our bedroom door (we have a sliding door), I made it clear that I do not want to sleep next to him when he had been drinking. If he choses to drink he gets the couch and I lock the bedroom door and get to sleep in the bed. I'm sure he doesn't enjoy sleeping on the couch (with his legs and arms hanging off the sides), and there was a night or two when I ended up sleeping on the couch (because he had passed out on the bed in the early evening), but for the most part the bedroom is MY room now! I will usually ask him if he needs anything from the bedroom before I lock it (while he's busy watching TV, playing video games, etc.) and then I will usually not unlock the door anymore until the morning.
I don't know if this is something you'd want to do, but maybe a similar solution? From my experience just telling him not to sleep in the bedroom when drunk didn't work - and in my case me sleeping on the couch didn't work either because he would end up waking up and trying to "cuddle" up next to me (and we'd end up running back and forth between bed and couch3-4 times per night). But worth a try, if you think your AH would respect your wish!
My AH can get really annoying when drunk and he would wake me up or keep me from falling asleep ALL the time, plus I couldn't stand the smell anymore. So, as soon as I figured out how to look our bedroom door (we have a sliding door), I made it clear that I do not want to sleep next to him when he had been drinking. If he choses to drink he gets the couch and I lock the bedroom door and get to sleep in the bed. I'm sure he doesn't enjoy sleeping on the couch (with his legs and arms hanging off the sides), and there was a night or two when I ended up sleeping on the couch (because he had passed out on the bed in the early evening), but for the most part the bedroom is MY room now! I will usually ask him if he needs anything from the bedroom before I lock it (while he's busy watching TV, playing video games, etc.) and then I will usually not unlock the door anymore until the morning.
I don't know if this is something you'd want to do, but maybe a similar solution? From my experience just telling him not to sleep in the bedroom when drunk didn't work - and in my case me sleeping on the couch didn't work either because he would end up waking up and trying to "cuddle" up next to me (and we'd end up running back and forth between bed and couch3-4 times per night). But worth a try, if you think your AH would respect your wish!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Been there and OH, YUK!
I moved into another bed, then another room, and finally moved out the front door.
The last thing a pregnant woman needs is a smelly, clumbsy drunk beside her and if he doesn't understand that then it may be he needs telling that "if you can't understand or respect how I feel about this, I will have to move myself from here."
I wore a nasty perfume that my xah almost gagged on, and when he carried on about how "that stink makes me sick", I pointed out that the horrible smell he gave off did the same to me. He still kept up his 5 litres of wine a day and That was my impetus to move out of the room.
God bless
I moved into another bed, then another room, and finally moved out the front door.
The last thing a pregnant woman needs is a smelly, clumbsy drunk beside her and if he doesn't understand that then it may be he needs telling that "if you can't understand or respect how I feel about this, I will have to move myself from here."
I wore a nasty perfume that my xah almost gagged on, and when he carried on about how "that stink makes me sick", I pointed out that the horrible smell he gave off did the same to me. He still kept up his 5 litres of wine a day and That was my impetus to move out of the room.
God bless
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oh, jadmack, you got me laughing out loud here all by myself once again.
my xah liked to turn the tv on at night. i hated it (especially during nascar season - aahhh! give me nails on a blackboard any day over that!)
i used to sit up in bed reading, then fume while i tried to tune it out and there went all my peacefulness! one day i asked him for a compromise. "you like to watch tv in bed at night, and i like to read in a quiet bedroom at night. how bout we take turns - every other night?" it worked for us - he agreed. in the rare event that he "forgot" and had television on, i just brought my book into the room and turned it off.
maybe you guys could come up with something like that, or an alternative sleeping room if it's every night.
my xah liked to turn the tv on at night. i hated it (especially during nascar season - aahhh! give me nails on a blackboard any day over that!)
i used to sit up in bed reading, then fume while i tried to tune it out and there went all my peacefulness! one day i asked him for a compromise. "you like to watch tv in bed at night, and i like to read in a quiet bedroom at night. how bout we take turns - every other night?" it worked for us - he agreed. in the rare event that he "forgot" and had television on, i just brought my book into the room and turned it off.
maybe you guys could come up with something like that, or an alternative sleeping room if it's every night.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi jenn,
I don't have any good ideas about your situation, but wanted to express my support and thoughts of you, especially while you're growing that beautiful babe inside of you in such a difficult environment. I hope you can find some peacefulness for you and your bundle.
posie
I don't have any good ideas about your situation, but wanted to express my support and thoughts of you, especially while you're growing that beautiful babe inside of you in such a difficult environment. I hope you can find some peacefulness for you and your bundle.
posie
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 27
Hi jennabe ...
I SO identify with your problem (although I'm not pregnant!!). In fact I came up against it only last night, I really cannot stand the smell when he's been drinking and not showering or changing clothes UGH! Not to mention the touching and incompre!hensible rembblings, it does feel like violation to me!
My A's 'nice' drunk too, so what I do now is say to him "I love sleeping with you when haven't been drinking but not when you have, please could you sleep downstairs (on the bed settee"). This was a boundary I set myself a few months ago. At first I felt bad about doing it but I was so fed up with the situation and the bed hopping at the time. It seems to work, just a slight bit of petulance in his 'goodnight then' last night.
When he crashes early eveining on the bed I settle on the bed settee downstairs, he is apt to get in and hang onto me like a limpet later in the night but I use the same phrase and he does leave.
Like you, I'm amazed how quickly he can transcend from appearing sober to totally off his face. Yours in empathy x
I SO identify with your problem (although I'm not pregnant!!). In fact I came up against it only last night, I really cannot stand the smell when he's been drinking and not showering or changing clothes UGH! Not to mention the touching and incompre!hensible rembblings, it does feel like violation to me!
My A's 'nice' drunk too, so what I do now is say to him "I love sleeping with you when haven't been drinking but not when you have, please could you sleep downstairs (on the bed settee"). This was a boundary I set myself a few months ago. At first I felt bad about doing it but I was so fed up with the situation and the bed hopping at the time. It seems to work, just a slight bit of petulance in his 'goodnight then' last night.
When he crashes early eveining on the bed I settle on the bed settee downstairs, he is apt to get in and hang onto me like a limpet later in the night but I use the same phrase and he does leave.
Like you, I'm amazed how quickly he can transcend from appearing sober to totally off his face. Yours in empathy x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Thanks guys for all your replies.
Hoo Hum... I guess that's just the way it goes. This is a boundary I will be setting I just haven't figured out how to go about it. I could tell him that I don't want him in bed when he's drunk, but the problem with that is "he's never drunk" if you know what I mean. I could say that he's not in bed when he's been drinking, but then I would literally never see him. Not to mention it will start a HUGE fight. I wish things could be black & white.
BTW, I never went to the Al Anon meeting last night. Partially because I wussed out and partially because it didn't start until 8 and I was already falling asleep by that time. (Being preggers an all) On a good not I have a appointment with a counselor at 4pm and I AM going to that.
Hoo Hum... I guess that's just the way it goes. This is a boundary I will be setting I just haven't figured out how to go about it. I could tell him that I don't want him in bed when he's drunk, but the problem with that is "he's never drunk" if you know what I mean. I could say that he's not in bed when he's been drinking, but then I would literally never see him. Not to mention it will start a HUGE fight. I wish things could be black & white.
BTW, I never went to the Al Anon meeting last night. Partially because I wussed out and partially because it didn't start until 8 and I was already falling asleep by that time. (Being preggers an all) On a good not I have a appointment with a counselor at 4pm and I AM going to that.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
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I could say that he's not in bed when he's been drinking, but then I would literally never see him. Not to mention it will start a HUGE fight.
Both of those consequences (to your boundary) are HIS choice.
All you can control is setting boundaries for your needs.
If he never comes to bed or starts a big fight, that is his (disrespectful, in my opinion) choice and would be a message to you about his maturity.
Both of those consequences are also means, I would think, of him keeping you from setting a boundary in the first place.
Don't let him control you setting boundaries around what you need and want. You deserve to have minimum standards, particularly now (while pregnant).
Both of those consequences (to your boundary) are HIS choice.
All you can control is setting boundaries for your needs.
If he never comes to bed or starts a big fight, that is his (disrespectful, in my opinion) choice and would be a message to you about his maturity.
Both of those consequences are also means, I would think, of him keeping you from setting a boundary in the first place.
Don't let him control you setting boundaries around what you need and want. You deserve to have minimum standards, particularly now (while pregnant).
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