today I'm just sad for my children
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
today I'm just sad for my children
I know that I have come so far in my recovery, but today I am just sad. My eldest (son -18 years) opened up to me after he came home after a bad day at university. Bad test result - a first in his life. He told me that he feels that he is carrying a lot of baggage and he feels rejected in relationships with people. I urged him to go into therapy ,but he does not want to. What have I done to my children? I stayed in this marriage for 22 years because I was too weak to leave. The guilt is getting to me. I was so focussed on my AH , my children were alone at stages. I only realise that now. I thought by getting their father better(we all know how that helps) we could be a happy family again.
Their father has no contact with them at all. What must that be like for a child? And a mother with codependency issues that takes soooooo darn slow to get better.
My children WANTED a divorce 3 years ago . I was hanging on with all of my being to this marriage. They accepted years ago that he was not going to stop drinking/drugging .
I just feel guilty and so sad today....
Their father has no contact with them at all. What must that be like for a child? And a mother with codependency issues that takes soooooo darn slow to get better.
My children WANTED a divorce 3 years ago . I was hanging on with all of my being to this marriage. They accepted years ago that he was not going to stop drinking/drugging .
I just feel guilty and so sad today....
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
My little ones and this divorce is awful I wanted to give my 6-year old the childhood I didn't get. The thing is, even if you left him years ago - You'd probably feel the same way about it then as today. I'm battling this issue myself, so I'm probably no help!!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi free,
My heart goes out to you. I know I worry about what my children have seen/experienced because of my choices, too...it's part of motherhood, I think. I try to be very "real" with them about my human-ness, my sadnesses, my wanting to figure out how to do this thing called life and do it the best way I can, and sometimes that means looking back and wishing I'd done some things differently. One time my Mom (an ACOA) said to me, "remember that just as you don't take credit for their successes and it's easy to attribute those to them, don't take credit for their struggles and difficulties." It's true. In some ways you have given your children a head-start on figuring out their potential for engaging in codependent/enabling/addicted relationships. It's a painful gift, but it is a gift/opportunity.
Be good to yourself. When my kids bring me relationship stuff (they're young tween/teen age) I try to ask what this situation is here to teach them. I don't know if you can ask your son that, but he might be surprised with what he comes up with. Not doing well on a test can be devastating, or it just might provide clues as to what he can do differently to create a personal recipe for his own success!
Hugs to you...
My heart goes out to you. I know I worry about what my children have seen/experienced because of my choices, too...it's part of motherhood, I think. I try to be very "real" with them about my human-ness, my sadnesses, my wanting to figure out how to do this thing called life and do it the best way I can, and sometimes that means looking back and wishing I'd done some things differently. One time my Mom (an ACOA) said to me, "remember that just as you don't take credit for their successes and it's easy to attribute those to them, don't take credit for their struggles and difficulties." It's true. In some ways you have given your children a head-start on figuring out their potential for engaging in codependent/enabling/addicted relationships. It's a painful gift, but it is a gift/opportunity.
Be good to yourself. When my kids bring me relationship stuff (they're young tween/teen age) I try to ask what this situation is here to teach them. I don't know if you can ask your son that, but he might be surprised with what he comes up with. Not doing well on a test can be devastating, or it just might provide clues as to what he can do differently to create a personal recipe for his own success!
Hugs to you...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
PHIZ - It helps to know I am not alone. Even as I live in the south of sunny Africa , I think of you guys and I know "you get me " even though we never met.
Alezerin -You are a great help. Cant wait for second meeting of CNM tomorrow. Will read chapter 2 again tonight !
Forwards with our recovery - for the sake of our beautiful children!!!
Alezerin -You are a great help. Cant wait for second meeting of CNM tomorrow. Will read chapter 2 again tonight !
Forwards with our recovery - for the sake of our beautiful children!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Thanks Posies - Will use your advice.Wise words.
See how beautiful and caring we are in spite of/because of our pain!
I cannot run to my intoxicated STBXAH - but I can safely run to you guys. Wow!!
Hugs
See how beautiful and caring we are in spite of/because of our pain!
I cannot run to my intoxicated STBXAH - but I can safely run to you guys. Wow!!
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
freefalling,
what you're struggling with is huge. i'm sorry.
when you work the steps (don't know if you have) you will have opportunities to address these things. i believe "making ammends" is very powerful. all of us have had failures as parents and i feel the best was to live with that is to grow and try and become the best person/parent you can be. we also all have things that have hurt us in our own childhoods. i have come to believe that this is a two-sided coin: the painful side that has caused us damage or trouble, and the other side which reflects the good that has come of it. some of us are very sensitive to other, intuitive, we care deeply for vulnerable children, we go into the addiction field as a career, we work the steps and reach out to others, and the list goes on and on.
i wish you the best in coming to terms with this. and remember, you are just a flawed human like the rest of us. you can forgive yourself.
what you're struggling with is huge. i'm sorry.
when you work the steps (don't know if you have) you will have opportunities to address these things. i believe "making ammends" is very powerful. all of us have had failures as parents and i feel the best was to live with that is to grow and try and become the best person/parent you can be. we also all have things that have hurt us in our own childhoods. i have come to believe that this is a two-sided coin: the painful side that has caused us damage or trouble, and the other side which reflects the good that has come of it. some of us are very sensitive to other, intuitive, we care deeply for vulnerable children, we go into the addiction field as a career, we work the steps and reach out to others, and the list goes on and on.
i wish you the best in coming to terms with this. and remember, you are just a flawed human like the rest of us. you can forgive yourself.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Guilt is actually a mechanism selfishly used by OTHERS to manipulate us into meeting THEIR needs. Guilt is not a natural-born mechanism necessary for human survival. Once you have been manipulated by guilt, feeling it can become second nature. Once the seed of guilt has been planted, if we fail to realize what is going on, the guilt continues to manipulate us even though the ORIGINAL manipulator is no longer speaking or even in our presence. It is designed to make you feel bad about yourself and once that downward spiral starts, it's hard to stop it and climb out.
Feeling guilt serves NO good purpose and is a REALLY bad habit. Guilt can cause us to make really unhealthy decisions. Guilt is TOXIC. Guilt is POISON.
The benefit of talking about my guilt is that I get to become conscious and aware that I am actually FEELING it. Next I get to realize that guilt is TOXIC and serves only to poison me, my mind, and my life. Lastly, I get to decide that I am going to vigilantly STOMP OUT ALL GUILT as soon as it arises.
Guilt is just as bad when I use it AGAINST someone else in order to meet my OWN selfish needs. When I catch myself trying to guilt someone else, I know that is not Love. So, I stand up against myself and tell me how immature, hypocritical and toxic I actually am being. And I stop.
Feeling guilt serves NO good purpose and is a REALLY bad habit. Guilt can cause us to make really unhealthy decisions. Guilt is TOXIC. Guilt is POISON.
The benefit of talking about my guilt is that I get to become conscious and aware that I am actually FEELING it. Next I get to realize that guilt is TOXIC and serves only to poison me, my mind, and my life. Lastly, I get to decide that I am going to vigilantly STOMP OUT ALL GUILT as soon as it arises.
Guilt is just as bad when I use it AGAINST someone else in order to meet my OWN selfish needs. When I catch myself trying to guilt someone else, I know that is not Love. So, I stand up against myself and tell me how immature, hypocritical and toxic I actually am being. And I stop.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Oh Learn2live this is good news. It is something that I want to STOMP OUT. This is not something I need for my survival. I feel lighter already. Funny thing is that I stopped with this behaviour towards others as I realised that it was serving no purpose. But I was continuing to use it against myself!
Starting with inner child healing this week in therapy. Will start to identify guilt producing people in my life and works towards stomping out the guilt.
Recovery is tough and rewarding
Starting with inner child healing this week in therapy. Will start to identify guilt producing people in my life and works towards stomping out the guilt.
Recovery is tough and rewarding
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