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Learn2Live 03-05-2010 08:14 AM

Unrealistic Expectations in Romantic Relationships
 
I found these in a web search on a different topic and thought I'd share.

Unrealistic Expectations in Romantic Relationships

-All you need is love.
-I've met the most wonderful guy/gal. Finally, there is someone who can meet all my needs.
-I know she/he has problems, but she'll change if I just love her/him enough.
-It's not my fault!
-Now that we're married, everything should settle down and it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
-If he would just _________, everything would be fine.
-If only we had kids—that would keep us together.

LS2 03-05-2010 10:01 AM

I believed everyone of those! and the whole if we have kids, My kids are the only good thing that has came out of this relationship!

FindingPeace1 03-05-2010 10:43 AM

Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships with Alcoholics

If I just explain my needs/wants/feelings, s/he will surely listen respectfully, have a thoughtful discussion, and work to compromise/cooperate with me.

;)

Learn2Live 03-05-2010 12:56 PM

I will add to that one, wife: If I just explain my needs/wants/feelings over and over, in a hundred thousand different ways, over the course of several years, s/he will surely understand what I need and want and give it to me HAHAHAHAHA! Or maybe if I say it louder.

FindingPeace1 03-05-2010 01:51 PM

If we just play nice, no one and nothing will change and everything will stay just fine...

Learn2Live 03-05-2010 02:40 PM

Ooh, how about: If I just pay this one last thing off for him; if I just buy him this thing; if I just give him the money to fix this, we can FINALLY be happy.

Bucyn 03-05-2010 05:46 PM


Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker (Post 2534066)
Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships with Alcoholics

If I just explain my needs/wants/feelings, s/he will surely listen respectfully, have a thoughtful discussion, and work to compromise/cooperate with me.

;)

I believed that one. Boy, did I ever believe it. But I was right to believe it. It's how my family worked. How my friendships worked. How things worked in my parents' marriage, in my mother's marriage with my stgepfather (after my dad died). How it worked with my brother and his wife. How it worked with my cousins in their relationships. In the marriages of my friends. It's how things should work. How things could work.

It just didn't work with him.

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was that he grew up in a family where no one ever let him explain his needs, wants, feeling, where no one ever listened to him respectfully, etc...

Who knows. But it never worked with him.

And I thought: Hmmm, I must not be being clear, I must not be being direct, I must not be being thoughtful.

But it wasn't me. I was transmitting, he wasn't receiving. I slowly figured it out. He's not receiving altho I'm transmitting clearly. Hmmm....maybe we should discuss my need, want, feeling about his not receiving. LOL, was I dim or what?

It took SOOOOOOOO long to figure out he wasn't receiving because he chose not to receive. And then...never easily discouraged...I tried to discuss, reason, understand, etc... why he was choosing not to receive.

This is why it took FOUR years to figure out IT DIDN'T MATTER. The choice was enough. It was was a choice. Even that didn't matter. Was he unable to receive or unwilling? Both meant the same thing: I was wasting my time.

It's America, a free country.

You have the right not to receive no matter how clearly, fairly or reasonably it's transmitted to you.

You have the right to be an alcoholic and lie and sneak and manipulate to maintain your alcoholism. Nobody has to participate.

You have the right to be momma's little man--even if you are 49 years old.

You have the right to be a poor parent. Even if you are ruining a nice little girl, or setting up a troubled kid for a life of jails and mental hospitals. It's America, and you have the right to be a bad father...as long as you feed them, clothe them, and don't put too many bruises on them.

And I have the right to walk away and set up my life any way I want too.


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