We're meant to be together
 

So, I'm still trudging through the grief and yucky feelings of breaking up with my xabf. I wrote a post a few days ago about how every little thing I let go of really seems to hit me hard. One of the things I realized that I was really white knuckling was the belief that "We're meant to be together."

He would say it over and over. I believed it too. We got together after all those years because we're meant to be together. I've read it referred to in many threads as "the fantasy".

Yesterday, I realized something. I said it out loud several times throughout the day, and today also. I said it angrily at first. Then I just kept saying it, so I wouldn't forget.

I'm NOT meant to be with him because I'm not meant to be with a man who:

• Lies to me;
• Tries to manipulate me;
• Says cruel things to me;
• Scares me;
• Gets angry at me when I cry;
• Uses me or;
• Hurts me to "get even" or because he's "just mad".

There is NO WAY we're meant to be together. NO WAY was I MEANT TO BE with someone like that. NO WAY do I deserve that.

I'm meant to be with someone who:

• Loves me for me, not for what I can do for him;
• Supports me emotionally;
• Wants to be in a loving, romantic relationship;
• Doesn't insult me, say mean things to me, or hurt me on purpose;
• Doesn't scare me;
• Holds me when I cry;
• Wants to be my best friend;
• Is honest and healthy and happy.

That's all I have to report today from the trenches.

:) sounds like you're really starting to accept things for what they are and are looking reality straight in the eyes - I want a piece of that!

Just wanted to say thanks for your post - I hope that if I keep reading posts like these I will eventually reach acceptance as well (not just accepting the fact that there is nothing I can do to make AH quit drinking - I got there - but accepting that I should let go of a marriage that just isn't good for either of us) - one day I will get to that point!! So thanks!

Oh thank goodness for that!
I almost had a heart attack when I read the thread title!
:)
You're right. I'm so glad you've reached this conclusion.

Hi KP. I can only sympathise with you as I got together with my exABF 17 years after we first met - when I almost left my husband (now ex) for him. We had an 'emotional affair' then and I fell in love with him but I couldn't leave as it went against everything I believed in and morally I knew it was wrong. I confessed all to my husband and he forgave me. We managed another 15 years before he left me but that's another story.

I didn't speak to my exABF for 17 years and when we met up again, both free, I thought this was our moment. I didn't contact him until I was divorced and had spent two years on my own, working through all the baggage from my marriage. I can't say I had loved him all that time but when we met up again it was incredible. Really incredible. I was very distressed when I discovered he was an alcoholic but was prepared to give him a chance, lots of chances, because like you I thought we were 'meant to be together'.

There's my red flag. I conveniently overlooked all the clear indications that he had serious problems because we were 'meant to be together'. There's my fantasy.

So here I am now, with it all in tatters because, you know, he wasn't the man I thought he was. I have no idea if it was the alcoholism or an innate part of his personality that made him lie so comprehensively and pathologically but you know that doesn't really matter.

What matters is that, no matter how much it hurts, I accept the situation for what it is, grieve for what I thought we had (and despite it being a fantasy I am really grieving) and learn to listen more carefully to my gut instinct - which was shouting to be heard from the beginning. Maybe if I had listened I wouldn't be feeling as if my heart has been ripped in two.

I've been following your story and I really admire you. I think you are being so strong and I really understand how difficult it is to get through this but you know, you are worth it. You are so worth that list at the end of your post.

As am I, as am I.

I could have written your post a few months ago. I totally identify with everything you wrote. You sound like a smart woman, stay strong!

Wow, KP, you had a moment of CLARITY! Awesome:You_Rock_

i can identify with this i was with that person and now am trying to pick up the peices of my 1ife

Digging out of the trenches......it is hard in the process but good at the end.... seeing light.....getting out.....not wanting to fall back in....doing what it takes to not fall back in ......seeing it for what it is.....a muddy, yucky, cold, dark trench. HARD to get out. Would take a big cement truck to fix more powerful than little ole me.....it was a familar trench.....my Mom was in one too with us kids.......went off to college to get out of that trench.....did some alcohol and drugs on my own to cover up that trench.....jumped in my own with Prince Not so Charming......out now......gonna walk around any trenches! THANKS.

Maybe you were meant to be together to learn these very lessons. We always want to see ourselves and our lover in the best possible light. Sometimes the light gets dim and the fantasy fades.

KP,

What an awesome post. :)

You are getting stronger!
Thanks for sharing.

Love,

jc

:c031:

Thanks for this post Jenny - for sharing your experience. Thanks for the support. It's SO HARD to leave, isn't it? It's mind boggling that such horrible experiences are so hard to walk away from. I mean, these guys lie to us, try to manipulate us, let us down over and over. I can't understand why we aren't all running away like a thundering herd of gazelles. Why do we stick around? Love? Pride? Stubbornness ("I CAN fix this")? Guilt? Probably all of those.

UGH I guess one of the reasons is because we are lied to as well by alcoholism and in denial, at least I know I really believed XABF was a good person that alcohol changed!! really hard not to feel bad remembering the good times. You are missing the person he used to be, or showed himself to be once... that's all.

I suffered a lot thinking the "good" Jekyll was wandering around in love with someone else but I am more and more convinced that Jekyll has been lost in the ether and the guy around is someone very very different... and I want nothing to do with that manipulative cruel person. Wow leaving an active alcoholic was the hardest thing I ever did in my short life!! but you will make it... these are the worse moments, when its so fresh... cry all you need and post all you need.......

Try to think about any future kids you may plan to have, and how different their life will be if you stay brave, having a real dad not a ridiculous excuse of a man around to turn everyone's lives to endless torture, sadness etc.


Letting go now is painful but now when I clinge to something or the memory or whatever... I try to relax my body and think "how does it feel to let go?" now it feels peaceful and relaxing. All the best ((KP))

Agreed here. I often thought "we" were meant to be together...and finally realized we were: We were meant to be together so that I could learn the lesson, and then we were meant to be apart, so I could move into the next, happier phase of my life - with that lesson to protect me.

Wish I could've learned the lesson some other way that didn't hurt so much! But I don't get to choose.

Big hugs to you, KP.
:ghug3

awesome, KP.

I'm pedaling right beside ya!

LOL Me too, my jaw dropped and I whispered "no way!, really?"
Then I read it...great post KP!! I needed to read that today!!

until I get to live in the 2nd list. I enjoy life just as it is. :tyou

Wow KP, that's fantastic. I'm right there with your thoughts about those lists, and am encouraged by your ability to see things for what they are. I'm still working on that piece (going back and reading my own words over and over for a reality-check) so I appreciate your inspiration.

Appreciatively,
pp