Lotus2009

Sometimes I wish I would just keep my mouth shut - or my fingers off my phone!!!! AH went out to the bar tonight with this couple from work - and I just ended up getting angrier and angrier - *did I mention I'm going through my anger phase again* - not just at him for drinking, but also at the people he goes out with for not realizing that he is an A and that it might not be such a good idea to invite an A out to the bar! So then he came stumbling home - it took him forever to open the door to our house and then he was unable to unlock our apt. door. He ended up falling all over the place and peeing himself in the hallway! I stayed in my room and let him worry about himself but was boiling over with anger! So I ended up texting the couple he went out with asking if it ever occured to any of them that it might not be such a good idea to invite H out to the bar. They answered and no, I couldn't just let it go, I needed to make it even worse and felt the need to explain myself - basically telling them that I'm tired of watching H drink himself into oblivion night after night and people thinking it's all fun and games! The girl and I both ended up apologizing - she for adding on to the problem and I for texting her! ARGH - I really need to step away from the A, my phone, and any other person when I'm angry - never ends well when I don't!

Angry dialing or texting is just about as bad as drunk dialing!!! Can I please just have some magic fairy dust that makes people forget what I tell them when I get angry!!! I just feel really guilty and embarrassed right now and hate myself for what I did!

jennabe

I feel you Lotus!!! I do the same thing. It's so hard to control the anger. Really hard. Have you ever thought about getting out of the house, just for a little bit. It's been helping me stay relaxed. Last night, I hopped in the car and went and ate a burrito at Taco Bell. After that I was going to go to the bookstore out of town (everything is out of town for me), but by the time I had went for a drive and put some food in my (I'm preggers) I felt MUCH more calm. I drove, I cried, and I turned my phone off for awhile. Just a thought, hope it helps.

Lotus2009

Thx Jenn. I have done the car thing too and I actually have a list of tools that I usually use... but for some reason I didn't use any of them last night and just let the anger take over

coffeedrinker

hope you're not beating yourself up for being human. when i do something wrong, i try and figure out 1) what is the lesson and 2) what can i do differently the next time. everything we experience is an opportunity for learning!

you are feeling a lot of anger because you are married to a rapidly-progressing alcoholic. not feeling anger is gonna be - well, you'd have to be a buddhist monk or something i think. so....what do ya think about this situation a little ways out?

Learn2Live

Lotus
What is your plan for the next time this SAME thing happens again?
Do you know WHY you get angry? Do you want to stop getting angry?

Duped

Every situation is different, but I had to learn to control my anger for various reasons. One thing I had to learn is that an alcoholic uses anxiety and anger to control you. By getting angry, it was actually feeding the alcoholic and they will actually use your anger against you - I.e. "See, it's him/her that is crazy. He/She is the one with the problem, it's not me."

You are only defeating yourself with anger because it will be used against you in an opportunistic way by your alcoholic. You end up looking like the bad person, even though you are likely justified.

There is no such thing as fair play when dealing with the addict/alkie.

Every reaction can and will be used against you.

jennabe

Bravo!

Lotus2009

Thank you all for your very wise words!

I was really kinda beating myself up over this. So, thanks for reminding me that I'm human and that nobody is perfect - this is definetely something I need to work on more (not being so judgemental and being able to forgive myself).

I realized after I sent the second text that I wasn't really angry at the couple (because let's face it, AH would be drinking with or without them - these are HIS choices and HIS responsibilities). What I am really angry about is that my marriage is falling apart. BUT instead of figuring out what I need to change within me, I was trying to control my environment AGAIN (environment/ other people = something I clearly have no control over and which always ends up getting me angrier when I do attempt to control it). Anvilhead - I LOVED your puppy story btw it made it very clear to me what I was doing!

I know my anger is telling me that I need to stop clinging, that I need to let go, that I need to find acceptance and make a decision! Phew, back to practicing... I WILL get there ODAT!!!

THANKS AGAIN!!!

TheShire

Ditto!! You are not alone!
If you find that magic dust -- let me know!!

Hang in there.
Remember --
You didn't cause it,
You can't control it,
You can't cure it.

wicked

TheShire,

I just posted the same advice to you!