Kind_Not_Weak

I have two sons... 19 and 20. The 19 year old is in trouble and I don't know what to do. He's always been a tender soul and a sucker for people in need, just like me. As he's gotten older, he's gotten involved with a bunch of people that are into hardcore stuff... namely drugs. A few months ago, he told me that he had done heroin a couple of times. We talked about this... about addiction in our family, how this was very scary stuff, and that this was nothing to toy with. He said he knew and that he wasn't going to do it anymore. He and I are very close and talk several times a week. We live on opposite coasts, so don't see each other as often as we'd both like. He's normally a very positive person, very empathetic and gentle.

He went off the grid for the past couple of weeks, and I was beginning to get very worried about him. To the point, that if I didn't hear from him today, I was going to call his father. They live in the same city, but are not close.

I finally got a text from him this morning, we spoke briefly, but were both at work so we couldn't really talk. But I could tell that something was very wrong.

I just spoke with him and I don't know who he was. He was negative and rude and said he hadn't been to work all week because he just hadn't felt like going. He and his girlfriend broke up about a month ago and I knew he was taking it hard, but this is more than that. He admitted to drinking a lot (in fact said that he was pretty much going to be drinking all weekend). He said he hadn't been using drugs, but I don't believe him. Everything in me is SCREAMING that he is into something really bad and I don't know what to do.

Do I get on a plane tomorrow and go to him? If I go there... what can I do? I don't know what to do. All my instincts are telling me to go, but to do what? Watch him drink? Cry? Yell? That doesn't help anything. I've talked to him about going to meetings, he actually went to an NA meeting once.

I don't know what to do. I know I can't fix this for him, but I just want to hug him. He told me point blank not to come there. Again, this is NOT like him.

Any insight or advice you have... please. Tell me.

suki44883

I wouldn't go, but instead, tell him again that you love him and that you hope he will get straightened out and make better choices. Going out there wouldn't accomplish anything and besides, he told you not to. (((((HUGS)))))

NewBeginnings1598

I agree with Suki. I would not go to see him. I would encourage him over the phone or write him a letter.

Pelican

Oh klm, I am so sorry to hear about your son. I would want to hug my young one too and make it all go away. But hugs don't heal them when they are this big.

Please remember the three C's:
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this

I am concerned about you at this time. You posted this two days ago:
In the last month, I've had THREE healthcare professionals (doctor, dentist, and personal trainer) that my stress level is going to do permanent damage if I don't get it under control. What they don't know is the cause of the stress is HIM and this alcoholic nightmare roller coaster. My body is doing it's best to tell me that this situation is TOXIC TO ME and I need to stop. Just for clarity - you were not referring to your son at this time, right?

I want to share an analogy that has helped me remember to take care of myself first:

Imagine you are seated on a plane and getting ready for takeoff. The flight personnel give a safety speech and instruct you what to do in case of an actual emergency. If there is a loss of cabin pressure, air masks will drop down. You are instructed to place your mask on your face before you attempt to assist others.

You know why? We can't help anyone else when we are suffocating from the pressure on our bodies.

Please get help for yourself before you try to help your son. You are so worth the time and effort!

Kind_Not_Weak

Pelican, yes. I did post that. I was talking about the alcoholic I was dating and just went no contact with. Now this... I can't believe this is happening. To my child. He is my baby... I've always said that my oldest is the child of my head, my youngest the child of my heart.

You are all right, running to him would solve nothing. But I just want to touch him and hug his neck and tell him that he is loved.

I know all my instincts are suspect now, given the breakup. I'm glad I remembered to come here for clarity.

My poor baby. I am flooded with memories right now...

Pelican

You go ahead ((((klm))))

We're here for you.

Spiritual Seeker

" I did post that. I was talking about the alcoholic I was dating "

The best thing you can do is detach and work on your own issues for now.
It is easy focus on the addict. Al-anon teaches us to start taking our own inventory instead of every one else.
Let recovery in your family begin with you.
Start working the 12 steps of alanon, get a sponsor , go to meetings and you will be amazed how your life can change no matter what your son is doing.

As hard as it is, your son may have to free-fall for awhile.
When you get more enlightened...you may better be able to know what is best to do
and what you have control of.

Research rehabs, so when your son is ready you will have a place to take him.

coffeedrinker

of course you want to reach out and touch and hold your baby, the light of your life. even when your head tells you otherwise, you feel that if you just hugged hard enough, your healing, loving energy would somehow go into him, go inside of him, and he would be filled with new life blood.

but experience tells us that this isn't the way it works. so many of us have tried so hard to love them into sense. i wish it could be so.

i think that if you give in to that urge to go to him, you will be so very, sadly, dissapointed. and then instead of feeling even just a little bit better, you will be in a worse position. i'm sorry; this is what i believe.

megan09

I can't add to what the others have said Kim, but my heart aches for you and your struggles at this time. Hopefully, he will be back on a better path soon. Love and hugs from across the ocean.xxx.

PHIZ007

Just adding my support to the pile.

It must be very difficult. take care of yourself and here's hoping in the future your lovely boy will make healthy choices. Take care.....thank goodness for SR it keeps me sane! Phiz

Impurrfect

(((klm))) - I'm an RA (recovering addict) and I also have loved ones who are addicts.

I just want you to know that my dad loves me dearly, but his love could not "cure" me of my addiction. He had to step back and let me fall on my face and figure a way to find my way back up on my own. I HAD to face the consequences of my using. If I hadn't, I'd still be using. I knew addiction was bad, I knew that what I was doing was wrong...the drugs had taken over my brain and I just didn't care....sad, but true.

The other thing is, I'm very grateful that my dad and the rest of my family went on with their life. Yes, they were very hurt about what I was doing and they missed me, but they went on. When I was able to get clear-headed enough to realize what I had missed, I knew I wanted back INTO their lives. It gave me something to strive for.

Keep coming back here. The great people here saved my life...no doubt. I came here as a reminder of what I put my family through, I stayed because I realized what a codie I was and because I have loved ones who are addicts and I need the support.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Learn2Live

"To my child. He is my baby..." IMO this is a good place to start detaching emotionally. I am not a parent so I cannot speak directly to detaching from a child But I HAVE a parent so I feel qualified to say, part of learning how to detach emotionally was to stop regarding my parents as "mommy" and "daddy." By the same token, it appears it would be the healthier decision to stop regarding this young man as a baby, and start seeing him for the MAN he is. Take care. Try al-anon.

barb dwyer

klm-

You're in a place
where I was
about fifteen years ago.

And *my* situation concluded
with me saying that
I could no longer have any contact with either son
until they were clean and sober.

So I'm going to say two things to yoyu
coming from the ehart of someone
who has literally been in your shoes.

Twice.

ONE- it's already been said here:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it.
You can't stop it.

TWO -

Your son is 'legal age' to make his own choices.
Period.
These choices might be choices that are terrifying to you
and to him as well -
but understand to be best you can right now -
they are HIS... to make.

This is that growing up empty nest stuff
we all heard about.

I hope you'll think about what I've written here
because the path *I* chose with my own sons
led to no contact....
for fifteen eyars.

But both have said
that my putting that restriction on them
had a lot to do with
their becoming sober
afew years into it all
and with their both going to college
and making something out of themselves.

It was the hardest decision I ever EVER had to make.
It was the most painful thing I've ever done.

But I made a rule -
and I stood my it.

But - in all tat time - in all that pain -

I never once doubted that I had done the right thing.

I hope you'll think about this -
about the two big things at least.

I'll include you in my prayers.
Both for them - and for me.

Kind_Not_Weak

I realize he is no longer a baby, trust me. I am very proud of how he has moved into his own place, has been working full time for quite a while now, all of the things a boy moving into manhood is supposed to do. He is very independent and takes care of things... he's just been making some very bad decisions. And now we all get to live with them.

He will always be my baby, but he is becoming a grown man. A large part of that is learning that every decision has consequences. Time will tell what those will be.

My heart breaks that he has lit this fuse. I can only hope and pray that he finds it within himself to stop while he can, if it's not gone too far already. I have been very open with him about the addiction in our family, that the cards are definitely stacked against him. Maybe something got through to him.

I know I can't run to him, but I also know that I'm not ready to walk away from him, either.

Impurrfect

(((klm))) - I'm 48...way too old to be my "daddy's baby" but I am. I am his only child. I understand. My dad never quite walked away...more like I walked away from him. I kept my distance from him while I was using.

I had enough sense, though I don't know how, to tell him "leave me alone, let me do this" and he did. When your son says "don't come out here", please listen to him.

You can only do what you can do, as you can do it. There are many, many parents here who know what you are going through and understand it. I'm from the other side - I'm "the kid"...way old enough to know better, but still my daddy's girl.

Keep posting, keep reading. We're here for you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

barb dwyer

It's important to me you understand something -

when I made that choice -
it was either them or me.

We'd gone the rehab/jail/counseling/shrinks/jail/medicine man merrygoround...

and it was literally KILLING me.

I wrote to you what I did
to show you my qualification in saying there's two things
to get straight and not diverge or be led away from.

1) You didn't cause it/you can't control it/you can't stop it/

2) he's old enough to make his own mistakes.


And I did say that
BOTH sons
eventualy got sober
and turned their lives around.
ONE did it because he wanted to contact me
the other -
to show me he'd do it without me.

BOTH - managed to do it.
And that's all that matters.

But they had to make those mistakes.

Letting him know you're there for him
is great as long as you can hold your space.
Getting on a plane and going to track him down
is not what the parent of an adult does.

The parent of an adult
makes the time to talk
whenever they need to
supports their sober decisions
and helps them WHEN CONTACTED.

This is a whole new parenthood - not just for him - but for you.

I'm glad you found SR

Kind_Not_Weak

Barb, I do understand. I didn't get on a plane and I'm not going to. It's not the right thing to do, it was my gut reaction. You are completely right... this is a whole new parenthood, for both of us. Thank you for sharing your story with me, in more ways than you know, it helps to hear it and the perspective that comes from it.

My history with both of my sons has been complicated and difficult. But we made it through, but with many scars to show for it. We've spent many hours talking and getting things out in the open... none of it was easy, but all of it was worth it.

I don't really know what else to say. This is all very new to me, having just a few hours to really process the day. Perhaps I was naive in thinking that he really was just experimenting with drugs, maybe I didn't want to see, maybe he was that good at hiding it. Whatever it was, I'm here now and I have to find a way to accept it and continue to accept it as it comes, whatever comes.

I do know that I am going to need help getting through this. I know this is beyond my current coping abilities and am going to make some calls tomorrow. I have to be well, for me and for my sons. And right now... I am not well.

barb dwyer

And that's what WE're here for.

And I do suggest finding an AlAnon grou jin your ara.
It's 3-D support and guidance
for those times you can't get online.

I think computer recovery is great
as long as it's not put BEFORE 3-D recovery.

Too many of us with these personality.... thingys...

are also isolationists.
So I'm a firm beliver in getting out there
and mixing it up in the 3-D.

So now you're on a whole NEW branch of parenthood.
And I think you might be right
this may not be the 'first trip to the drug rodeo'
for either son.

Like Betty Davis said -

"Fasten your seat belt... it's gonna be a bumpy ride"

KeepPedaling

I'm wondering, is this something new for him? Does he have a history of alcohol abuse, maybe through high school? Or do you think this may be the first time he was faced with serious emotional hardship (broke up with his girlfriend), didn't know how to cope, and turned to alcohol and maybe drugs?

Kind_Not_Weak

KeepPedaling, I read your question when I first woke up this morning and almost answered immediately "No, this is the first. I mean, he's been known to party for a couple of years... but isn't that what teenage boys do? And no, this is his second serious relationship. The first was the girl he dated all through high school... and when they broke up, that's when he used heroin..." and then I stopped myself, deleted it all and got in the shower to think.

Now, to be honest with myself and you. This isn't something new for him. This is just a new level of it. Is he a full blown addict/alcoholic? I don't know. My gut says yes. I do know that he has put himself in an environment where getting drugs and alcohol is as easy as going to the fridge for a glass of milk. I do know that when he broke up with long time girlfriend, he jumped right into another serious relationship. I only met her once... I didn't hate her, but their relationship was way too enmeshed. Again, I just thought... teenage stuff... can't be out of touch for more than two minutes... then they broke up. And he went downhill even further.

As I write this, I am remembering something he said to me when I met her. He said "She keeps me from doing all the bad things.". When I pressed him about this, he just smiled and changed the subject.

If I'm to be honest here, the kid has problems and I am just now beginning to accept it.