Codependant No More STUDY- Session 2: Jessica's Story Discussion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I didn't realize how much I hated being a codie until I reread Jessica's story and admitted to myself that the s_ex was psychologically and emotionally unsatisfying. If THAT doesn't give a woman good reason to leave...
Mauigril:
Denial:
But, for those of us who never had healthy behavior modeled for us, or never felt physically or emotionally "safe," we never learned how to reset the switch.[/I]
This really struck me. As it can be the basis of every negative emotion or state of mind that we can't get past, or have trouble with. from obsessive love to anger and resentments. Others seem to be able to reset the switch when dealing with most all emotions or states of mind. Resetting the switch. "Time to focus on resetting the switch" As pertains to us.
Thank you, this helps with my state of mind. 'Cause I squashed my own heart! ;-P
Denial:
But, for those of us who never had healthy behavior modeled for us, or never felt physically or emotionally "safe," we never learned how to reset the switch.[/I]
This really struck me. As it can be the basis of every negative emotion or state of mind that we can't get past, or have trouble with. from obsessive love to anger and resentments. Others seem to be able to reset the switch when dealing with most all emotions or states of mind. Resetting the switch. "Time to focus on resetting the switch" As pertains to us.
Thank you, this helps with my state of mind. 'Cause I squashed my own heart! ;-P
MY HIGHER POWER FOR THE WEEK
Yep, Carol Brady. What would Carol Brady do? How would Carol Brady react if her soon to be ex was drinking in front of the kiddos? Would Carol Brady date that man I'm/you're thinking about? Or, would Carol Brady belittle her soon to be ex?
Hey, it works for ME right now!
Oh wow...this is a powerful thread. I'm following along with CNM and this discussion is very intense--and I mean that in a good way! The denial stuff, the "resetting of the switch" (one of my greatest fears is that I won't be able to do that, won't be able to have a healthy relationship) and what wifeofadrinker posted about how to figure out how to walk and having no idea...yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, and figuring out what I want? That's a longstanding problem which has plagued my relationships. Couple that with the relationships I've chosen, wondering on some deep level why they love me (hmmm...could it be that I wanted them to give me reasons to love myself??!!), blah, blah, blah.
I woke up this morning thinking about my mother. How I somehow felt that nothing I did was good enough (also a sentiment I've had in all my romantic relationships). I can't remember my mother yelling at me often, but she would have moments when the build-up has lead to a blowout. I see now that in my marriage I wanted my passive-aggressive H to lose control, and I goaded him and goaded him and lost control myself, but he never did. In my 2 relationships since then there have been incidents where the significant other lost control, screaming at me in an enclosed space. In my most recent relationship that was last year, and I was fully, completely traumatized by it. Just last night I realized that I've tried to have a boundary around being screamed at, and my A has still done some of that and I've tried to maintain the boundary about how I'll accept being spoken to. And yet, that little kid expects it, wants it, even--making the boundary even harder to be consistent with. I'm realizing how much this has to do with my relationship with my mother. I think it's time to return to individual therapy to work on this intensely.
My Mom is an ACOA, but did she really feel that way about me--that what I did would never really be good enough? I don't have any clue. I think she probably felt (and feels) that way about herself, and me being the "perfect" child, the one who "wouldn't cause any problems", I learned it all very well.
I'm beginning to believe that I have no f**cking idea who I am. Whew. It almost feels good to say that.
pp
I woke up this morning thinking about my mother. How I somehow felt that nothing I did was good enough (also a sentiment I've had in all my romantic relationships). I can't remember my mother yelling at me often, but she would have moments when the build-up has lead to a blowout. I see now that in my marriage I wanted my passive-aggressive H to lose control, and I goaded him and goaded him and lost control myself, but he never did. In my 2 relationships since then there have been incidents where the significant other lost control, screaming at me in an enclosed space. In my most recent relationship that was last year, and I was fully, completely traumatized by it. Just last night I realized that I've tried to have a boundary around being screamed at, and my A has still done some of that and I've tried to maintain the boundary about how I'll accept being spoken to. And yet, that little kid expects it, wants it, even--making the boundary even harder to be consistent with. I'm realizing how much this has to do with my relationship with my mother. I think it's time to return to individual therapy to work on this intensely.
My Mom is an ACOA, but did she really feel that way about me--that what I did would never really be good enough? I don't have any clue. I think she probably felt (and feels) that way about herself, and me being the "perfect" child, the one who "wouldn't cause any problems", I learned it all very well.
I'm beginning to believe that I have no f**cking idea who I am. Whew. It almost feels good to say that.
pp
Thanks for joining us! It's amazing to start to see TRUTHS about us. All this mess in our heads and hearts? Sometimes just needs to be summed up with a good old statement like:
<smile> Sometimes it's just THAT simple. It comes down to THAT. :-D
"I'm beginning to believe that I have no
f**cking idea who I am. Whew. It almost feels good to say that".
f**cking idea who I am. Whew. It almost feels good to say that".
<smile> Sometimes it's just THAT simple. It comes down to THAT. :-D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
What I like about our bookstudy here, is I belong, we all want to get better.
Once "it" sets in-codependency takes on a life of it's own...
Deep breath.
I was affected because I was born into a family full of alcoholics and codies!
I had little choice in the beginning. My behavior was typical of a child brought up in disfunction galore!
Today however is different. It's a brand new 24 hours. I know I'm healing, changing, and finding peace and serenity.
Once "it" sets in-codependency takes on a life of it's own...
Deep breath.
I was affected because I was born into a family full of alcoholics and codies!
I had little choice in the beginning. My behavior was typical of a child brought up in disfunction galore!
Today however is different. It's a brand new 24 hours. I know I'm healing, changing, and finding peace and serenity.
I could also relate to Jessica's story because what you discover as you read is that her husband is not active when she decides to get help. He's stopped drinking. This is a pattern I repeat over and over again too. I was born into an addictive family but the main addict (my grandfather) had stopped the behaviors before I was even born. And what do I find myself in now? Relationship after relationship with *recovering* addicts -- people who abused substances at one point -- but in almost all cases did not have real recovery and had displaced the addiction to sex and love mostly.
How I manage to pick these people out I will never guess...only that I have love addiction issues myself and so it might be related. But the pain I have had to endure to tolerate an often unspeakable and hidden addiction has been incredible, and my level of delusion remarkable.
I just think about my last relationship -- I had started out with the goals of marriage and family. By the end of it just a few weeks ago I was asking him to just please stop acting out on his love and sex addiction issues. I had gone from having a mission and goal in *my* life to desperately wanting to change the way he was living his. It was no longer living.
I have my moments where I am sad and miss him, but I feel like the cloud is lifting. I see things very differently now, particularly the last decade. I had no idea how sick I was. This book is great for really putting into words exactly what we go through, I didn't have this language before.
Thanks for starting this group! I'm looking forward to the next chapters.
No, we CAN change, it CAN be stopped, we CAN control it, and day-by-day, moment-by-moment, we will take the steps necessary and oh so passionately desired.
I choose to have life more abundant.
You're right Maui.
"and it's impossible to control once it starts".
I think what she meant, or at least how I read it, is "untreated codependancy" and what will ultimately happen to many of us (if not all) if we cease using our recovery tools.
"and it's impossible to control once it starts".
I think what she meant, or at least how I read it, is "untreated codependancy" and what will ultimately happen to many of us (if not all) if we cease using our recovery tools.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
You're right Maui.
"and it's impossible to control once it starts".
I think what she meant, or at least how I read it, is "untreated codependancy" and what will ultimately happen to many of us (if not all) if we cease using our recovery tools.
"and it's impossible to control once it starts".
I think what she meant, or at least how I read it, is "untreated codependancy" and what will ultimately happen to many of us (if not all) if we cease using our recovery tools.
Session 3 - Chapter 2: Other Stories
Okay, it's 10 pages. How about Sunday evening I'll throw the post up. If we can't read 10 pages for our own well being in 3 days - We're not working hard enough!
Hint: I keep mine in the bathroom. ;-)
Then chapter 3 gets into codependancy itself.
Then chapter 3 gets into codependancy itself.
Note: On the last page, melodie has suggestions on how to use this chapter:
1. - Did you iderntify with any people in this chapter? What helped you think of yourself? Which relationships did it bring to mind? Why?
2. - You might find it helpful to buy a large notebook and record your responses to these activities. You can aloso write down other thoughts and feelings you have as you read this book.
NOTE on 2: I'll be using this forum as the other insights are priceless. When the study is done, I can print it all out and put it in a three ring binder. Should help me with a lifetime of crazy thoughts to have it easily accessable. AND how awsome to have and let some of my friends read it if it might help them out too. :-)
reply to book study, and a suggestion
hindsight, right?
this is my real response to that quote:
that is why i talk to my children about this. that is why i try and education my daughters about this giant thing called chemical dependency
next: i have been away for a couple days, just checking in for short periods of time. i felt like i was going to miss out on the book discussion and it bummed me out. i am hoping, alizerin, that you won't go too fast through this book - for those of us who don't spend a lot of time on the computer, either for a short period of time (out of town for instance) or just in general they don't.
i also wonder if we can try and curb the impulse to go off-topic. it would be very easy to spin off in many different directions. trying to catch up with this thread i felt that happened and, as much as everything spoken about is valid and important, it got away from the chapter, i thought.
just my 2 cents - you guys can tell me to go to hell if i'm outta line.
Oh, lot's of excellent points coffeedrinker. THANKS
The issue of when to start another chapter bounces in my head. As, it is a book "study". To be honest, I've never done one. If we take too long, people can lose interest. Too fast, and they get lost. Myself? I'm a fast reader. I keep it in the bathroom. If I can read it there everyone can 'cause everybody poops!
Okay, seriously: I think what I'll do is go by how long the chapter is. This one is 10 pages. So, if I place a post up tomorrow night - It will be floating around until the middle of next week. If someone goes on vacation, they can still catch up as the threads will still be here. Make sense? Others, chime in too!
If posting the thread on these 10 pages goes up tomorrow night - The next chapter should go up Wendsday???? That will give everyone until wendsday at least to read and comment. <?>
Staying on topic. Yes, good point. As it would be nearly impossible to stay on topic with as many people who visit this forum. I guess it's up to us to steer it back. I bet we can take most things that are said out of topic back into play regarding the book. This is important for me as I plan on printing the whole thing out to keep handy.
The issue of when to start another chapter bounces in my head. As, it is a book "study". To be honest, I've never done one. If we take too long, people can lose interest. Too fast, and they get lost. Myself? I'm a fast reader. I keep it in the bathroom. If I can read it there everyone can 'cause everybody poops!
Okay, seriously: I think what I'll do is go by how long the chapter is. This one is 10 pages. So, if I place a post up tomorrow night - It will be floating around until the middle of next week. If someone goes on vacation, they can still catch up as the threads will still be here. Make sense? Others, chime in too!
If posting the thread on these 10 pages goes up tomorrow night - The next chapter should go up Wendsday???? That will give everyone until wendsday at least to read and comment. <?>
Staying on topic. Yes, good point. As it would be nearly impossible to stay on topic with as many people who visit this forum. I guess it's up to us to steer it back. I bet we can take most things that are said out of topic back into play regarding the book. This is important for me as I plan on printing the whole thing out to keep handy.
I've rethunk this so-to-speak. When we get off topic. I think it can be just as important as long as it's codepedancy based? Carol Brady was a wee off topic tho! Ah well,
Anyway, off topic omments that allow us to see and learn about eachother might be a good thing. As by the end of the study, it would be wonderful to really get a sense of someone's personal growth? On topic or off?
Balance, it's all about balance! :-)
Anyway, off topic omments that allow us to see and learn about eachother might be a good thing. As by the end of the study, it would be wonderful to really get a sense of someone's personal growth? On topic or off?
Balance, it's all about balance! :-)
I'll put in a vote for speeding things up. The first two chapters are just illustrative stories based on actual cases. A way to get the reader interested. The real meat of the book begins in the later chapters. Given the current pace, we may be taking weeks for each of the later chapters.
I suggest using the role model of CatsPajamas posts for 12 Step Study of Alanon. She posted the step, then she posted commentary. Next Step, then commentary. Memembers can join in at anytime. The original group may be on Step 3, but a new member can pull up the thread for Step 1 and start at their own pace. As long as the threads do not get locked down, they can be commented on at any time.
Using her (Cats) model again, A chapter a day could be posted. I like how you posted the followup questions early in the thread. I suggest posting the Chapter Title, then a post about the follow-up questions to give the reader a study guide.
In 3D, a book club must stick to a schedule or the readers get lost. In cyber time, we can post the topic Chapter and members can join at anytime and take it at their own pace.
I suggest using the role model of CatsPajamas posts for 12 Step Study of Alanon. She posted the step, then she posted commentary. Next Step, then commentary. Memembers can join in at anytime. The original group may be on Step 3, but a new member can pull up the thread for Step 1 and start at their own pace. As long as the threads do not get locked down, they can be commented on at any time.
Using her (Cats) model again, A chapter a day could be posted. I like how you posted the followup questions early in the thread. I suggest posting the Chapter Title, then a post about the follow-up questions to give the reader a study guide.
In 3D, a book club must stick to a schedule or the readers get lost. In cyber time, we can post the topic Chapter and members can join at anytime and take it at their own pace.
Everyday!? :-)
You're right about the first chapters basically getting started chapters. I thought this was the reason the posts got off topic - So, it didn't worry me at all.
I'd like to keep it to one post tho. Otherwise people will get confused on where to post and it may be double duty. However, I have noticed that other includes links to the prrevious threads. So, I shall do that.
Now, looking at the book. The chapters are around 10 pages. There's a whopping 20 of them. Three chapters a week? If someone goes on vacation they can still catch up surely. My thinking here, is that if a post is "dead" and old I tend not to reply to it. It's as if the human element is gone.
So - Chapter 2 Sunday Evening
Chapter Three - Wendsday Morning
Chapter Four - Friday Evening
That's a new chapter:
Sunday
Wendsday
Friday
Inbetween would be a time to post and respond to others posts. Really getting into the meat - Getting each chapter time to penetrate our thick skulls?
You're right about the first chapters basically getting started chapters. I thought this was the reason the posts got off topic - So, it didn't worry me at all.
I'd like to keep it to one post tho. Otherwise people will get confused on where to post and it may be double duty. However, I have noticed that other includes links to the prrevious threads. So, I shall do that.
Now, looking at the book. The chapters are around 10 pages. There's a whopping 20 of them. Three chapters a week? If someone goes on vacation they can still catch up surely. My thinking here, is that if a post is "dead" and old I tend not to reply to it. It's as if the human element is gone.
So - Chapter 2 Sunday Evening
Chapter Three - Wendsday Morning
Chapter Four - Friday Evening
That's a new chapter:
Sunday
Wendsday
Friday
Inbetween would be a time to post and respond to others posts. Really getting into the meat - Getting each chapter time to penetrate our thick skulls?
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