I’ve been lurking … so not sure now ….
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 27
I’ve been lurking … so not sure now ….
I’ve been lurking and learning here for about 18 months now, so very grateful to you wise souls. I can identify with so much that a lot of you seem to have experienced. After much heartbreak and anguish I’ve been learning as much as I can and working on myself, attending a weekly Alanon meeting for the last 4 months and counselling for the past 2 months. I’m realising I’m co-dependant and have a way to go.. ..!!!
Right now I’m feeling very unsure …. Since Christmas my partner is drinking infrequently (perhaps because he hasn’t any money??!!). Probably once a weekish (really trying not to count too much) and seems to be the lovely man I know and love again. He isn’t working at the moment (he’s self employed in the building industry), and has lost opportunities because of his drinking. He’s being really helpful around the house and being really caring towards me. He’s not socializing and seems to be revolving his life around me, the cats and our house. He’s really trying not to drink and ‘put on a good show’. Basically he’s a good man and not abusive. When he’s drinking he’s mainly a pathetic and sorry sort of drunk. .I know his stress thresholds are v low – ‘the stuck window episode’ springs to mind when I had 21 missed calls from him while I was at work.
I keep reading and trying to be realist but that little hopeful side of me keeps nagging in the background ‘ what if he is one of the ones who can turn it around without help?’ Consequently I’m feeling very much in limbo land and lulled by the peacefulness right now (and easily forgetting the past few months).
The A in my life is my partner of 23 years … he barely drank in our early years together and it was about 5 years ago that I realised he was drinking a lot more (and now I know hiding even more). About 2 years ago warning bells started and then I finally realised his drinking was out of control … the hidden vodka bottles, collapses at work, the getting up during the night to drink, the morning drinking … the terrible withdrawals when I thought he was going to die (most recently just after Christmas) and losing work opportunities through drinking. He’s made promises to stop and agreed to seek help to no avail and I’ve stopped arguing with him about this now.
I was hoping this Christmas would be turning point … After a couple of weeks of not drinking after collapsing at work and ending up in hospital he started drinking again with a vengeance just before my birthday just before Christmas (I’d been dreading my birthday as my friends and family wanted a celebration as it was a ‘biggie’ one!). As it happens I ended up confiding in my family and spent a lovely day ice skating followed by curry with my sisters while he was comatose at home. I’d said from the beginning that I would never get in a car with him if he’d been drinking (I don’t drive). We’d been invited and accepted to spend the Christmas holiday with my sister and family so Christmas Eve when we were supposed to be driving the 200 miles there he’d started drinking again at 6am and was very drunk. So I ended up in a rush travelling by train by myself and spent 2 days away (the first Christmas we’d spent apart in 22 years). When I returned he was in a terrible state, he hadn’t eaten in days (I did rush around on Christmas Eve buying provisions and steak for him) was being violently sick with terrible withdrawal symptoms, I thought he was going to have a convulsion, I realise now I should’ve called an ambulance.
So sorry for the huge ramble! It’s like I’ve kept silent for so long and now it’s all tumbling out! Bless you for listening
Right now I’m feeling very unsure …. Since Christmas my partner is drinking infrequently (perhaps because he hasn’t any money??!!). Probably once a weekish (really trying not to count too much) and seems to be the lovely man I know and love again. He isn’t working at the moment (he’s self employed in the building industry), and has lost opportunities because of his drinking. He’s being really helpful around the house and being really caring towards me. He’s not socializing and seems to be revolving his life around me, the cats and our house. He’s really trying not to drink and ‘put on a good show’. Basically he’s a good man and not abusive. When he’s drinking he’s mainly a pathetic and sorry sort of drunk. .I know his stress thresholds are v low – ‘the stuck window episode’ springs to mind when I had 21 missed calls from him while I was at work.
I keep reading and trying to be realist but that little hopeful side of me keeps nagging in the background ‘ what if he is one of the ones who can turn it around without help?’ Consequently I’m feeling very much in limbo land and lulled by the peacefulness right now (and easily forgetting the past few months).
The A in my life is my partner of 23 years … he barely drank in our early years together and it was about 5 years ago that I realised he was drinking a lot more (and now I know hiding even more). About 2 years ago warning bells started and then I finally realised his drinking was out of control … the hidden vodka bottles, collapses at work, the getting up during the night to drink, the morning drinking … the terrible withdrawals when I thought he was going to die (most recently just after Christmas) and losing work opportunities through drinking. He’s made promises to stop and agreed to seek help to no avail and I’ve stopped arguing with him about this now.
I was hoping this Christmas would be turning point … After a couple of weeks of not drinking after collapsing at work and ending up in hospital he started drinking again with a vengeance just before my birthday just before Christmas (I’d been dreading my birthday as my friends and family wanted a celebration as it was a ‘biggie’ one!). As it happens I ended up confiding in my family and spent a lovely day ice skating followed by curry with my sisters while he was comatose at home. I’d said from the beginning that I would never get in a car with him if he’d been drinking (I don’t drive). We’d been invited and accepted to spend the Christmas holiday with my sister and family so Christmas Eve when we were supposed to be driving the 200 miles there he’d started drinking again at 6am and was very drunk. So I ended up in a rush travelling by train by myself and spent 2 days away (the first Christmas we’d spent apart in 22 years). When I returned he was in a terrible state, he hadn’t eaten in days (I did rush around on Christmas Eve buying provisions and steak for him) was being violently sick with terrible withdrawal symptoms, I thought he was going to have a convulsion, I realise now I should’ve called an ambulance.
So sorry for the huge ramble! It’s like I’ve kept silent for so long and now it’s all tumbling out! Bless you for listening
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the family, Roon!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and sharing your story with us.
I'm off to work just now, but wanted to let you know I am glad you are here!
Keep reading and posting, we're here to support you.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and sharing your story with us.
I'm off to work just now, but wanted to let you know I am glad you are here!
Keep reading and posting, we're here to support you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yech. Thanks for sharing Roon. Not a life I personally want to live; it's tough enough without a person like that dragging me down. My Mom has stayed with my alcoholic Dad; she refuses to leave him for many reasons but mostly because of her own morals and personal conscience. You should know that if your BF ISN'T one of those guys you are hoping he is (which I highly doubt he is--magical thinking), it is going to get WORSE. Read the posts here and listen to the people at Al-Anon describe late-stage alcoholism. That can go on FOREVER; it is a long, slow, agonizing, painful death, horrible to live with and witness. I know, we have been watching my Dad slowly disintegrate for decades.
It comes down to choices. KNOW your choices and try to make the ones that are healthiest for YOU. Don't let fear stand in your way of doing so.
It comes down to choices. KNOW your choices and try to make the ones that are healthiest for YOU. Don't let fear stand in your way of doing so.
11/11/07
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 73
Welcome, keep posting, you're in the right place and doing the right things, w/ Al-anon and counseling.
Those are few and far between and some are known as "dry drunks" they don't drink, but all the problems and emotional baggage from the drinking is still there, I've heard of significant others telling dry drunks to start drinking again because at least then sometimes they were pleasant.
See the drinking is usually a symptom of other problems. We use it to dull ourselves to those problems. I've also been laid off for almost 2 years and without my program of recovery, I am certain I would be dead one way or the other.
If at all possible I would encourage him to seek professional help and then find some type of support group/program of recovery. Best of Luck.
what if he is one of the ones who can turn it around without help?
See the drinking is usually a symptom of other problems. We use it to dull ourselves to those problems. I've also been laid off for almost 2 years and without my program of recovery, I am certain I would be dead one way or the other.
If at all possible I would encourage him to seek professional help and then find some type of support group/program of recovery. Best of Luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 27
Huge thanks to you all for the welcome and pearls of wisdom 
Learn2Live and Cantonian…..Ouch ….. reality check time thank you!. I know I‘ve got a ton of work to do on me. Sometimes I even wish he was mean, I think I’d find that easier to deal with in a way (apologies to anyone dealing with an abusive partner). That sounds really twisted I know, it just breaks my heart as he’s a lovely person and he’s been my best friend for 20+ years through the good and bad. I’ve read about the later stages …. oh how I’ve read and I’ve seen him getting progressively worse this year. I don’t think I could live with someone self destructing like that … it’s just my hope kicks in again when things are peaceful …..ouch. I’d sort of given up with the persuading him to get help conversations … he nods and agrees and doesn’t ring the number, I guess he will when/if he’s ready.
Thanks again .. blessings to you all x
Learn2Live and Cantonian…..Ouch ….. reality check time thank you!. I know I‘ve got a ton of work to do on me. Sometimes I even wish he was mean, I think I’d find that easier to deal with in a way (apologies to anyone dealing with an abusive partner). That sounds really twisted I know, it just breaks my heart as he’s a lovely person and he’s been my best friend for 20+ years through the good and bad. I’ve read about the later stages …. oh how I’ve read and I’ve seen him getting progressively worse this year. I don’t think I could live with someone self destructing like that … it’s just my hope kicks in again when things are peaceful …..ouch. I’d sort of given up with the persuading him to get help conversations … he nods and agrees and doesn’t ring the number, I guess he will when/if he’s ready.
Thanks again .. blessings to you all x
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
he’s been my best friend for 20+ years through the good and bad
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Roon -
I'm glad you're out of the lurking closet!
I wish someone could just post something majickal and everyone's problems with alcohol would just be swept away in a huge ball of glittering twinklebells....
It's a long drawn out process.
All of it.
From what I've read
the problem is escalating.
And that's what alcoholism
UNTREATED alcoholism does.
It doesn't get better.
I think you can safely put the
'maybe he will get better on his own'
card back in the deck now.
From your post it's apparent the situation
is going the OTHER way
for the time being.
I hope you'll try and find an AlAnon group nearby-
I realize that these organizations aren't as strong in the UK
but they're better than nothing.
I hope you'll make new friends here ....
and now you're no longer alone.
Welcome!
I'm glad you're out of the lurking closet!
I wish someone could just post something majickal and everyone's problems with alcohol would just be swept away in a huge ball of glittering twinklebells....
It's a long drawn out process.
All of it.
From what I've read
the problem is escalating.
And that's what alcoholism
UNTREATED alcoholism does.
It doesn't get better.
I think you can safely put the
'maybe he will get better on his own'
card back in the deck now.
From your post it's apparent the situation
is going the OTHER way
for the time being.
I hope you'll try and find an AlAnon group nearby-
I realize that these organizations aren't as strong in the UK
but they're better than nothing.
I hope you'll make new friends here ....
and now you're no longer alone.
Welcome!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Roon 
I’d said from the beginning that I would never get in a car with him if he’d been drinking (I don’t drive). We’d been invited and accepted to spend the Christmas holiday with my sister and family so Christmas Eve when we were supposed to be driving the 200 miles there he’d started drinking again at 6am and was very drunk. So I ended up in a rush travelling by train by myself and spent 2 days away (the first Christmas we’d spent apart in 22 years).
Congratulations Roon on having a Plan B. Living with alcoholism is unpredictable. It helps me feel less crazy/out of control if I have a Plan B to protect myself from the alcoholic.And - I love the picture of your furry friend in the snow!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi Roon, and welcome to SR. I recently arrived here and I've found amazing support and help.
What stands out for me in your post is that your partner isn't there for you at key moments in your life. I'm working on looking that in my own life and so I wanted to say that I recognized that in your post. No matter what I say or do, that isn't going to change until my A wants to change it--and in the meantime I have to figure out how to live my own life, whether or not the A is a part of it.
I wish I had more words of wisdom than that, but mostly I wanted to say I'm glad you're posting.
pp
What stands out for me in your post is that your partner isn't there for you at key moments in your life. I'm working on looking that in my own life and so I wanted to say that I recognized that in your post. No matter what I say or do, that isn't going to change until my A wants to change it--and in the meantime I have to figure out how to live my own life, whether or not the A is a part of it.
I wish I had more words of wisdom than that, but mostly I wanted to say I'm glad you're posting.
pp
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 27
Wow guys, thanks so much for the replies… so great to feel not alone in this long drawn out process…..
barb …. you’re so right – of course it’s getting worse and since last night when that was very clearly demonstrated, I’ve been slipping that ‘maybe he will get better on his own’ card safely back in the pack! I’m generally an optimistic person (a trait that’s been knocked back this past 18 months) and have been trying to be so positive about all aspects of my life just recently…. think I got a tad over enthusiastic!!! Thanks again. I’ve been attending a weekly breakfast AlAnon meeting for the past 4 months now and been going for one to one counselling for the past 2. Thanks for your very timely response!
Thanks Pelican … I’m slowly learning!!
Posiesperson … another so right observation, thanks! It’s slowly but surely dawning on me there’s a conspicuous absence in the key moments of my life and yes, I’m doing the same figuring as you.
Ta ta for now !!!
barb …. you’re so right – of course it’s getting worse and since last night when that was very clearly demonstrated, I’ve been slipping that ‘maybe he will get better on his own’ card safely back in the pack! I’m generally an optimistic person (a trait that’s been knocked back this past 18 months) and have been trying to be so positive about all aspects of my life just recently…. think I got a tad over enthusiastic!!! Thanks again. I’ve been attending a weekly breakfast AlAnon meeting for the past 4 months now and been going for one to one counselling for the past 2. Thanks for your very timely response!
Thanks Pelican … I’m slowly learning!!
Posiesperson … another so right observation, thanks! It’s slowly but surely dawning on me there’s a conspicuous absence in the key moments of my life and yes, I’m doing the same figuring as you.
Ta ta for now !!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 27
Well ..... the magic sure's blown away now!! He's been back on the bottle big time for the past 3 days now. Also caught him going through my purse last night and realised I'm money down today. I'm annoyed with myself for being so easily lulled - I really should've known better with the amount I've been readling and cases I've followed. So I'm facing reality again!! What I'd really like to do is have some time away from him but can't work out at the moment how this can be practically done with finances as they are and I do wonder about my emotional strength. I did spend 2 weeks away from him about 4 months ago (but was sleeping on my friend's floor and wasn't ideal) and really need longer time for me. He hasn't been working for the past month and isn't looking it seems... I also think he's spoilt alot of his work contacts through his drinking (and it's also a bad time for the buidling industry apparently).
I keep hoping he'll want to get help soon and I just seem to bounce between wanting to get away from him and 'helping' get help ... if that makes sense.
Thanks again x
I keep hoping he'll want to get help soon and I just seem to bounce between wanting to get away from him and 'helping' get help ... if that makes sense.
Thanks again x
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