crazypants

well for starters. i'm a newbie (u probably guessed that). i'm 28, husband is 31

my husband's drinking has been a problem off and on for the 12 years we've been together. don't get me wrong - i used to be right along with him at the bar but since we've been married and had a daughter (she's 3) his priorities never changed and actually steered totally off course.

he's still going to the "club" (mostly old people) 3 times a week on average (prob drinking 10-12 + on average). he'll say he's going to be home in a little bit (11-ish) then i wake up at closing time and he's still not here. he thinks because he leaves when we're about to go to bed that he's not bothering us or losing any family time. he's either with old people or with crappy people who live with their moms and always have coke or pot.

he just went back to work after being laid off for 14 months - but never made one sacrifice when it came to his partying. i'm borrowing from my parents to pay bills and working my butt off to pay for his hangover and fill our lives with grief.

when we first met he liked to drink but so did everyone else our age. he was always still tolerable when he was drunk but now he's turned into this egotystical inappropriate meat head. even makes my best friend and her family feel uncomfortable and offers them a beer over and over and over again. he never knows when to stop either. i would say he's also doing cocaine once a week (mostly for free but trust me not always). right before christmas he spent $400 on coke because none of his other buddies wanted any. so i made him try to sell it back so we'd have $$ for christmas gifts (and our daughters planned bday party) and of course that was more of a reward for him cuz he got to go to the bar to find people.

i've asked him to slow down & stop over and over. told him hes hurting us and we're worried whether or not he'll make it home. he says he will and things go good for a wk or 2 but then its back to the same old crap. and that i should get used to it because this is what he likes to do and he thinks its totally normal. always an excuse for everything and everything is such a big occassion. even at family events his first question is "wheres the beer?" and offers to get some if there isn't. he doesn't do anything that doesnt involve alcohol and has no friends (except the losers (single people) he parties with)

then i find out he's hanging out with an older married woman whom i've never met. apparently nothing physical happened but when i asked him to stop he acted like i was jealous and paranoid and then he told her even after i asked him not to make a big deal about it so now i seem like the controlling wife. one girl said in front of me on sat "u were dancing with me for a second - then u were all over that old lady!" - talk about big ol smack in the face to his wife!

hes not physically abusive but occassionally emotionally - always turns things around on me. its just wearing me out to exhaustion. i'm tired of sticking up for him and making excuses to my family. his parents made it abundantly clear that he's my problem now. they'll talk to him and stuff but won't even let him spend the night when things get rough.

so i've tried being sad mad and not caring and none of that worked. saturday night was the final straw. i went out with him (since he begged) and of course he ended up with coke (which i did some too - not my greatest move either and i know this and regret it) but i was ready to go home at 11pm and he wouldnt take me. he had to get more coke and more beer and off to a friends house. i asked him all night to go home and he wouldn't. at 4am he insisted on getting more coke and i was about to lose it. i ended up falling asleep on the couch while he waited. he finally gave up at 5am and i jumped up to go to the car. as i turned the doorknob the coke had arrived - yay (sarcastic). i turned to him and said "we're leaving. this is ridiculous come on!" and he said no. i told him he better find a lawyer and i left. before i pulled out i stopped at the porch and he was standing at the screen door looking at me. then he shut the door and went back in the house. aaahhhh! seriously? i drove home and barricaded both my doors with furniture and went to bed (daughter was at my moms by the way). he got thru my baricade and was sleeping on the couch when i got up.

i ended up spending the day at my moms and he sent me a text message asking if i wanted garlic toast with dinner? wtf? does he think he can throw a frozen dish in the microwave and call it a day?

so i wrote the dreaded letter. i knew i couldn't get everything out verbally without being distracted by his excuses and attempts to blow me off (as usual). i pretty much told him how much he was hurting everyone and that i want our marriage to work but wanted to know if he was with me or not? if yes then i demanded individual counseling immediately (someone that will push past his lies and excuses and let the alcoholism face) and eventually marriage counseling. we haven't got to sit down yet and discuss in length (since monday) but he did say he didn't have time for counseling between school and working midnite shift ( i suggested tues mornings after work which will work out) so he offered to not drink for 30 days and see how i feel after that. i had asked for a long term change by the way. but he warned me that he would prob have withdrawl symptoms. so i asked if he thought he was an alcoholic and he replied no - people that drink occassionally are still going to be grumpy and not feel well. i said u mean people that drink heavily right? nope not even what he meant. he is unbelievable!

i'm not sure how i feel about the 30 days. my mom says its ridiculous. i'm leaning towards that too because i don't want to offer any more chances to be let down. i'm 28 years old and i want more kids and i want to be happy again and provide a good home life for my child (she shouldn't think this is what a marriage/family/dad is - it's not fair and she'll eventually hate him for it). that was in my letter too.

what should i do? am i justified in leaving if he doesn't comply? should i give him 30 days? or file for temporary custody and eviction now? i feel like a fool for letting him walk all over me and give our family a bad reputation repeatedly. i've always thought of alcoholics as ppl who drink everyday and hide it from people so i'm thinking i too was blinded by the problem and think i was enabling him all this time. i know i should go to alanon but i feel like i'm not the one who needs a 12 step program. support? yes for sure but i'm embarrased and not sure if i want to make this journey and let him hit rock bottom. i'm already too exhausted and resentful.

i hope this is in the right forum and that someone replies. please? i know its long but its a long crappy story about an unhappy family of 3. please help us. i need some guidance and maybe even a reality check. thank you all!

coffeedrinker

yes, you are in the right place.

what i see clearly in your post, is that you don't like the partying, the excessive drinking, and the drug use. (sounds reasonable to me!) but he DOES like it. so, what leverage do you have? you have already threatened divorce ("get a lawyer") and that did not get the result you wanted. i think his choice is being communicated loud and clear.

so, what do you think your next move should be? (and there are no wrong answers)

NewBeginnings1598

Welcome to SR!! I am sorry you are going through this. I think that deep down you already know what you want and need to do. I understand the pain and frustration and I think that you will know when you have had enough.

I would not recommend partying with him anymore though. You don't want to put your child's welfare in danger by both of you being busted with drugs. Have you tried going to an Al Anon meeting? I have just recently started going and it has helped me greatly already.


I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I hope you find some help by coming here.

crazypants

i know that the easy thing to do and the right thing to do are never the same thing. but i'm tired. i'm so tired. i know it seems like i'm trying to control him and in a sense that's totally true. my main concern is my daughter. she's totally fixated on "are you mad?" "are you happy?" she asks EVERYONE. she's like a little sponge right now. and has been agressive lately - her attitude and sometimes hitting. she has several imaginary friends which is normal for a 3 year old but to me its a little excessive. i don't want to damage her over this. i know i probably will eventually some other way lol! but this just doesn't seem fair.

i didn't ask him to go to aa because i thought that would be too direct. i know a therapist that used to work in substance abuse. i was hoping i could hook him up with this guy and then he would see through all my husbands crap and make him see the light.

is it wrong to NOT want to deal with a recovering alcoholic? is he even an alcoholic or does he just need to adjust his lifestyle?

i guess i totally dodged your question. i guess "think" the right thing to do is go (everyone advises me not to leave the house cuz its all in my name (after marriage but all in my name) and i worked so hard for it). but i'm a coward. there i said it. and he's the only person i've ever had a relationship with (sad but true) and i don't know anything else. i tried breaking up with him when we were engaged and i couldn't do it. i was too scared of being alone and he made me feel guilty. then things went great again for a while and we got married - happiness only temporary.

LaTeeDa

Wow. It sounds like you are describing my marriage. In the beginning, we partied together. And then we had kids and I didn't want that lifestyle any more. But, he still did. I tried everything to get him to come over to my way of thinking, including partying with him sometimes. I finally left when my kids were 9 and 13. We all needed therapy. I can't tell you what to do, but I don't recommend staying as long as I did, hoping he would change.

L

coffeedrinker

to answer your questions:

is it wrong to NOT want to deal with a recovering alcoholic?

no. why would it be?

is he even an alcoholic or does he just need to adjust his lifestyle?

yes he is. and yes, he does.

i've never run into someone who "thinks" their s/o is an addict, only to rescind later and say "just kidding, it's really NOT that way. i guess i was delusional." if it looks like a duck, smells like a duck, and walks like a duck....."

but just in case, try this:

If I drink alcohol, How Much is Too Much? www.AlcoholScreening.org

Alcohol Self-Test

crazypants

i guess i think if i leave now my daughter isnt quite old enough to understand and hate me for leaving her daddy. i would totally share custody within reason. i've thought so much about it. i'm afraid to get too mad and leave and make a stupid mistake and not take the correct legal route. i don't want to do anything that he could charge me for or bring up in court.

i see now by reading my own posts and ur replies (thank you so much by the way) that i'm more of a coward than i thought. i pretty much have everything lined up in my head but no guts to go forward.

Learn2Live

"what should i do? am i justified in leaving if he doesn't comply? should i give him 30 days? or file for temporary custody and eviction now?". Of course you're justified in choosing how you kive your life and with whom. I dont know anything about custody and eviction but I do know that you sound pretty clear that 30 days is NOT what you want and is NOT what you told him were your requirements. Tell him No and that your requirements are not negotiable. tell him to Take it or leave it but be prepared for the possibility that he will leave it.

Eight Ball

I too, could have written most of your thread about my marriage and AH (apart from the drugs) and we have been together 22 years. (Met at 15yrs) When you reach this web site you are tired, tired, tired of it all but are still questioning whether your partner is indeed an alcoholic. Just getting this far though, suggests that you know deep down that he is and just want to get it confirmed. Hearing other members 'stories' at both Al-Anon and this site, I could easily relate and the 'lightbulb' moment happened for me and once I accepted that my AH was an alcoholic, life got supprisingly better for me as I knew for once in 22 years exactly what the problem was and was no longer stabbing in the dark for answers. (councelling etc)

Please do go to Al-Anon, you will be supprised how much the programme can help you. You will also be surprised to learn that YOU are the one who needs to work the programme. Years of living with an alcoholic and not realising it, will more than likely have left its mark on you, as it has me. My AH does not attend AA but I have been going to Al-Anon for about 4 months now and slowly I am rebuilding myself to be a better person - for me! Al-Anon, in my opinion is all about seperating yourself from being a 'couple' and working on your own strengths and weaknesses, so that you can make good, reasonable choices for yourself and how you want your future life to be. For you the added benefit would be, being the best mum you could possibly be to your 3 year old daughter.

Put yourself first for a change and leave him to do what he wants to do - it can either go two ways - he will get help or he wont - but in the meantime you will be getting stronger and will be able to make the right descision about where your own futures lies (with or without him) for you and your daughter.

Eight Ball

I just wanted to add about how difficult it is to make threats or provide deadlines such as 30 days, temporary custody, eviction etc unless you can follow through. As it can cause more harm than good.

I have made many 'threats' in the past to my AH such as 'I will leave you', 'you leave', 'divorce' etc but they have been idol threats that I have never followed through with. They were shock tactics made to wake him up to his drinking but that he was always happy to go along with, so that he could carry on drinking! I always ended up backing down from the threats and its all been part and parcel of living with an alcoholic for me.

Maybe you have been following my particular cycle of idol threats and this time you have reached the end of your tether and you are throwing in the big guns - I dont know you - but I know that I have never been strong enough to follow through with my own threats because I have been living with an alcoholic who knocked my self esteem and this may be you too. Just a warning in case you recognise yourself in me!

Gold

Hello Crazypants and welcome to SR.

You have identified your husband is an alcoholic and you are affected by his behaviour.

What I found in my situation was that it was not my role to get my partner to counselling, encourage him to change (do what I wanted him to do), give him books, make threats.

All I could was decide what MY acceptable boundaries were and enforce the consequences if they were violated. That is a simple in theory and harder to enact until you love yourself more than you love caring for others.
A boundary is not about his behaviour. Not about you saying to him "You must do XYZ " but about what you will do to protect yourself or have your needs met . For example a boundary i had was, "if you drink I will not sleep in the same bed as you because my sleep becomes disturbed."

My partner once said he would stop drinking for a year. there was no consequence set for what would happen if he drank before then nor what the plan was after that.
i ask you. What will you do if he violates his promise to you and 30 days...big deal , so what? What happens on day 31 ? Do you revert to the previous behaviour again? Its a yuck cycle My Dear.

BTW My partner and I separated permanently.and I am working on my own healing to stop controlling behaviour. My children do not hate me for leaving him. They applaude my courage strength and resilience.

Keep reading here. I think you will relate to our stories.
I strongly recommend 2 books Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

Hugs and strength to you.

Bernadette

Hiya crazypants!

Welcome, and with a name like crazypants and a story like yours you are most certainly in the right place!

I think we all here on SR have worn the crazypants at one point. All I can say is, it is not always easy, but worth it, and such a relief to take those damn pants off!

Glad you're here...
peace-
b

hello-kitty

Another great book - 'Getting Them Sober'.

But in the end you have every right to do what you think is in your best interest and in the best interest of your daughter.

It doesn't sound like your husband is in the best clearest state of mind right now and it doesn't sound like he's capable of taking care of his family or himself for that matter. So it falls on you.

Base your decisions AND your actions on how things are today. Not how things might be a year down the road IF he quits drinking and quits partying and POSSIBLY changes into the man that you HOPED he would be when you married him.

You can't fix him.

You can fix yourself.

You can protect your daughter from being around an alcoholic and a coke-head.

Now. How are you going to do that? Make a list of the kind of behavior you will accept in your life and around your daughter (those are your boundaries), and the steps that you will take if someone violates your boundaries (those are your consequences.) And then commit to following through.

nodaybut2day

Hi crazypants...just wanted to chime in with a "WELCOME TO SR!!", and this:
Yes, a separation from her father will be a big adjustment to a 3 year old, BUT you can help her adjust by talking to her, creating a consistent routine for her, and keeping the dialogue open. Your daughter's daddy is sick, and eventually she will understand this. By choosing to remain with this alcoholic/addict, you are modelling a type of relationship for your daughter where it is ok for one partner to abuse another.

I too felt like a coward in the face of my XAH. Heck, I'm still a bit of a coward with him...but I'm slowly learning how to stand up for myself. How to say "NO, this isn't acceptable". It's a work in progress...

Keep posting!