MaryGoRound

Okay so after dealing with soooo many lies and so much manipulation...

I know of course I'm to have trust issues with relationships and I'm not really looking to date or anything anytime soon, so I know that'll work it self out after taking things slow.

What has been bothering me lately is I'm hyper paranoid. Its like if something weird happens, I'm like A did this! People will talk to me about everyday stuff "I went to the store" And in my head I'm like They're lying!

Finishing up school at the same univers. has made things tense, even walking down the street. I'm like **** what if he's behind me...(not like it hasn't happened before). Someone I don't know adds me on Facebook...It's him!

I expected to have trust issues but not on this level! It's like I don't trust ANYONE about ANYTHING!!! I kind of feel like everyone is out to get me...

How do you tone that down a bit, with the everyday type stuff?

MissFixit

Take things one day at a time.

LaTeeDa

You work hard on your own self-worth and confidence. You learn to trust yourself.

L

CatsPajamas

When I went to counseling, I told my counselor things similar to what you said. I learned that I was experiencing a type of PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. I really had to work at learning how to trust people again... trusting myself first of all.

What I learned was to say the serenity prayer about 20 times a day, and to take a deep breath before I reacted to stuff. Honestly, I would stop and take a breath, and run the person or place or thing or event thru my "new" filters. It also really helped to journal so I would see patterns and be able to think of new ways of handling things.

It gets better, but it takes time. I learned that my old coping mechanisms were things that helped to keep me safe, but there came a time when they were no longer necessary, I was no longer in danger.

Hugs

MaryGoRound

Thanks guys.

Yeah, Cats I was going to be make a joke about PTSD..but I didn't want to offend anyone. Did something really traumatic with your A to cause it to happen?

Whew. Going through all of this really does change your WORLD.

It's weird...it's like I feel like I'm crazy because I question the truth all the time. Not all the time, but the suspicion will pop up randomly.

If my HP had all of this happen so I can be a better judge of people..so be it I guess.

I replay everything that has happened/said and wonder if ANYTHING btw me and A was true. Whew! And I kind of don't know!

TakingCharge999

Oh I also got the "bunch of liers everybody!!" syndrome...
(((HUGS)))

posiesperson

Oh yeah, I get that, but still feel that little kid in me who wants to trust everyone...a friend once said I'll feel safe when I learn to trust myself and provide safety myself. And it turns out that, in fact, is true. (It's funny somehow that my A told me the same thing during a heated argument--a moment of clarity!)

Anyway, wishing you a decreasing sense of concern about this, and an increasing sense of respect and safety and love within yourself...

pp

Taking5

Do you really befriend people you don't know on facebook? You need to be more careful! The rest of the advice is quite solid. Hang in there.

MaryGoRound

thanks guys...

I really have just realized how I learned not to trust myself. Feels good to be on the way to trusting myself in so many ways. Right now I completely trust:

-I can find fulfillment in healthy ways instead of trying to prove it to someone else that I'm worth changing for.
- No matter what happens, I got me. And everything has worked out so far!

I've realized so many things...I used to overwork myself and stress out because I thought that's what you did to find the fulfillment. I thought loving someone was stressing about them!

Trust and self-reliance. I like that!

I don't trust, however, that A isn't going do anything he can to worm his way around my serious NC this time.

Haha. I kind of feel like a kick-ass woman right now! Except I'm a paranoid kick-ass woman. Wish I would have done this so long ago. Maybe he would have even realized since I was so confident and strong that I was worth straightening out. No, instead I didn't trust myself...haha this is all pretty funny.

MaryGoRound

dgillz you are so right!

I'm even gaining the common sense boundaries too. LOL.

Seriously though I almost made a post about it last night. This person asked to friend request me via a message and I said I don't know you and I'm going through some personal privacy issues (meaning I don't want A to somehow get access to my profile!) and he started attacking me! Saying he didn't think that someone with over 500 friends would have the same morals as him. Pffft! The whole thing was so strange, since XABF tried to contact me and I didn't respond except a message on Fbook reminding him that I don't want him a part of my life until he gets help....it was very suspicious the way he sought me out, over-explained himself and was kissing my ass and then when I said no, sorry...he attacked me. I swear he either is an alias or just has the same problems as AXBF..This prolly doesn't do it justice but I just have this weird feeling it was him. He said he just wanted to know if I was seeing anyone.

strange things like that keep happening and I don't know if its him! And its making me feel crazy paranoid!

MissFixit

There was a link about gaslighting in another thread today.

The idea of gaslighting probably plays a role with you. It did with my trust issues.

Elsie

I'm dealing with stuff like that too.
I like to watch "Baby Story" and "Say Yes To The Dress"...shows like that, and I often times think to myself "aww, look, they're so happy! I wonder who's he's having sex with on the side."
Or "Aww, he seems to really love her, I wonder if when they're home alone wth no cameras does he sit on his @ss drinking all night while she deals with the kids?"
Things like that. I feel SO jaded and bitter and resentful.

I wish I could get past it. I mean, there must be men out there who truly love thier wives/girlfriends and who do not drink a lot, and do not flirt with other women and truly WANT to build a life with thier significant other. They are out there right?

bookwyrm

They might be but I recognise that I'm not ready for that type of relationship - and may never be. If I met a wonderful man like you described, I'd sabotage the relationship somehow. It's been my pattern from when I first discovered boys! So much work to do!!!

CatsPajamas

Yes, they are out there. I finally found one but it took a lot of hard recovery work on my part. I had to learn a lot about myself and about the men I attracted and was attracted to. After I learned those things, I had to do some grueling recovery work in order to make changes. When I wasn't in a good place emotionally, I attracted men who weren't either. When I got healthier, I was able to find and have a wonderful relationship with a healthy man.

alanonicnov2008

I had a similar experience, actually I've had this experience more than once after an abusive or otherwise intimacy-deprived, honesty-deprived relationship.

I still suffer from PTSD and have decided not to get into any more relationships until I'm able to release the panic and fear.

It is a very real thing and therapy is a good way to reduce it. Talking about what happened in the relationship and trying to find a way to dispel the energy. It's really important not to take it lightly; I thought I could get over these things on my own and with conventional therapy and I'm still suffering.

The other really important thing to do is go NC and consider never talking to him again. I had an ex who was particularly cruel to me contacting me periodically for years and I would relive the abandonment I felt after the 3 or 4 times he proposed to me and then withdrew the proposal a day or two later. I finally said goodbye to him this week. It ruined another relationship I had too immediately after because he was continuing with the marriage proposals (via email) while my now most recent ex was hedging on the issue, which caused me a lot of confusion. The ways they can continue to torture us are rather subtle.

Bottom line, don't take it lightly and talk to a pro.

barb dwyer

I am becoming resentful of those
who diminish our PTSD
simply because we weren't in the army.

I've been 'hunted' at gunpoint by a drunk crazyperson
been called at work and told there was a gun pointed at my horse's head....

that is ASBSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENT

than any OTHER COMBAT SITUATION

except WE ... received NO TRAINING and receive NO SUPPORT !!!
financial or otherwise.

*whew*

okay - that hit a nerve with me.

it makes me so sad to see women
who've lived lives of terror 24/7
in abusive relationships
make excuses
as if they aren't even worthy
of being damaged by someone else.

Hon -

When those times hit me -
I come here and post.
I ask myself constantly -
I mean CONSTANTLY -
"what is the next thing."

I ask everyone here,
and anyone in 3-D who is worth listening to
if what I'm perceiving
is what's really going on.
because it's the nature of PTSD
to not know.

And I close down my perephrial vision
to only the next right thing AT HAND.

I know about that walking down the street
wondering if the car
coming up behind you
is going to run you down.

I know about that - big time - I had to live it.

So you are NOT in the wrong in any way shape or form, okay?
This is a normal reaction to being terrorized.

And the 'what's right here?" thing
is part of what *I* do when it hits.

Another thing that works WONDERFULLY is -

think of a wonderful childhood memory.
now think of the smell.
Like for some people it's the smell of baking
or the smell of christmas
or grass...

but if you let yourself go with it

you will come up with a 'safe smell'...

I'm not kidding.

Then go out and get that scent.
And USE it in times like this.

I'm telling you it really really works.