Drink problem rearing its head again...6 months to our wedding..!!
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 4
Drink problem rearing its head again...6 months to our wedding..!!
Hi all
Really need some help and advice on this one...Me and my H2b have been together for 5 years, he has always had a problem with drink. He doesnt drink everyday, he is more of a binge drinker and once he starts he doesnt know when to stop. Throughout our 5 year relationship hes probably been off drink for as long as he has been on it i.e. on a year, off a year..on a couple of months, off a couple months etc.
He scarred me emotionally during his drinking periods and I nearly left on many occasions, but stupidly I believed his promises about how things could change. About 18 months ago he finally admitted is an alcoholic and has been visiting a counsellor since. He swore blind that things couldnt carryon the way they had been and he was finished with drink for good. All has been going well and we started planning our wedding after his first year of sobriety.
.....Then the other day he drops a bombshell....he cant live without drink anymore!! He says I'm too controlling and hes not prepared to live his life being told what to do (he is the one who decided to give up drink for good). He says things will be different (I know they wont!) and hes prepared to lose our relationship if I cant handle his drinking!!
I have spent the last 5 days in tears.. I'm torn I really dont know what to do, I always promised myself that if he drank again I would walk away ..that I couldn't go through it all again! He is my best friend and the best husband material in the world when sober!!
He is now refusing to go and see his counsellor to talk things through and has decided hes going to have a drink. I cant understand how you can admit you are an alcoholic and then think is ok to go back on the drink!!!
On a practical level the wedding is in 6 months, I really need to make a decision soon to minimize our losses...
Really need some help and advice on this one...Me and my H2b have been together for 5 years, he has always had a problem with drink. He doesnt drink everyday, he is more of a binge drinker and once he starts he doesnt know when to stop. Throughout our 5 year relationship hes probably been off drink for as long as he has been on it i.e. on a year, off a year..on a couple of months, off a couple months etc.
He scarred me emotionally during his drinking periods and I nearly left on many occasions, but stupidly I believed his promises about how things could change. About 18 months ago he finally admitted is an alcoholic and has been visiting a counsellor since. He swore blind that things couldnt carryon the way they had been and he was finished with drink for good. All has been going well and we started planning our wedding after his first year of sobriety.
.....Then the other day he drops a bombshell....he cant live without drink anymore!! He says I'm too controlling and hes not prepared to live his life being told what to do (he is the one who decided to give up drink for good). He says things will be different (I know they wont!) and hes prepared to lose our relationship if I cant handle his drinking!!
I have spent the last 5 days in tears.. I'm torn I really dont know what to do, I always promised myself that if he drank again I would walk away ..that I couldn't go through it all again! He is my best friend and the best husband material in the world when sober!!
He is now refusing to go and see his counsellor to talk things through and has decided hes going to have a drink. I cant understand how you can admit you are an alcoholic and then think is ok to go back on the drink!!!
On a practical level the wedding is in 6 months, I really need to make a decision soon to minimize our losses...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
Sorry for your pain and awful dilemna. The least that you can do for now is to at least postpone your wedding while you work through this. He has been honest with you at least, but please know that the drink will always be more important than you while he is still actively using it. You have decisions to make on what you are willing to live with and what is not acceptable to you. It would be a lot easier to walk away now than it would after marriage and possibly children. Believe me, I know how hard it is to love someone who loves drink first and foremost. Have u tried Al-Anon, or therapy for yourself? You sound like you could do with both. Hugs to you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
I am sorry that your fiance is toying with the idea of picking back up. Alcoholism is progressive. Picking back up will be as if he never stopped physically, mentally and spiritually.
I am a recovering alcoholic. My greatest fear upon getting sober was a lifetime without alcohol. How would I celebrate life without alcohol. No champagne at NYE? No great wine with fabulous meals? No beer with pizza?
How would I grieve life's losses without alcohol? No bottle to drown my sorrows into? No shots of liquour to make the pain go away?
How would I acknowledge the sky was blue without a good wine to help me mull over the day-to-day, etc?
Your A promised YOU he would quit and get help. He now blames you for his sobriety. Don't worry - you aren't to blame!
The three C's of addiction:
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this
Please take care of yourself and get the support you need during this time. SR (here), Alanon, therapy and self-help books are some of the choices for support and information.
I am sorry that your fiance is toying with the idea of picking back up. Alcoholism is progressive. Picking back up will be as if he never stopped physically, mentally and spiritually.
I am a recovering alcoholic. My greatest fear upon getting sober was a lifetime without alcohol. How would I celebrate life without alcohol. No champagne at NYE? No great wine with fabulous meals? No beer with pizza?
How would I grieve life's losses without alcohol? No bottle to drown my sorrows into? No shots of liquour to make the pain go away?
How would I acknowledge the sky was blue without a good wine to help me mull over the day-to-day, etc?
Your A promised YOU he would quit and get help. He now blames you for his sobriety. Don't worry - you aren't to blame!
The three C's of addiction:
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this
Please take care of yourself and get the support you need during this time. SR (here), Alanon, therapy and self-help books are some of the choices for support and information.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My advice would be to find al-anon and also take some time to think about *you*.
He is saying, straight up, that alcohol is more important then you. Is this something you can commit your life to? Is this in *your* best interest?
That is not the person you will be marrying. You will be marrying the not-sober person.
I'm so sorry you are having to make such painful decisions. My only advice, the advice I wish someone would have given me 16 years ago, is to minimize the losses *before* I was married and had children. Once children arrive on the scene, the losses are staggering.
.....Then the other day he drops a bombshell....he cant live without drink anymore!! He says I'm too controlling and hes not prepared to live his life being told what to do (he is the one who decided to give up drink for good). He says things will be different (I know they wont!) and hes prepared to lose our relationship if I cant handle his drinking!!
He is my best friend and the best husband material in the world when sober!!
On a practical level the wedding is in 6 months, I really need to make a decision soon to minimize our losses...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
If what to do about your relationship (break up or not?) and/or your impending wedding (marry him or not?) causes you anxiety, just forget about it for a while. You don't need to make those decisions right now. Focus instead on detaching emotionally. I suggest going to Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Losingbattle, welcome! I know this must be terribly disappointing for you. It sounds like this marriage is something you've wanted to happen for a long time.
This forum is full every day with people who married their spouse not knowing that they had a problem with alcohol. They suffer so much - it is heartbreaking.
You know what is going to happen if you marry this man. You know he has a problem, and you know it is damaging to you. Know that it will get worse once you are married...and at that point you will be legally and financially intertwined with him. His DUIs will become your expense too. His debts will become yours. The medical problems that alcoholics suffer? Your problem too, and your expense. If you have children? They will suffer as children of alcoholics always do.
He has made it clear that he will return to his damaging, drinking ways. He's also blaming you for his unhappiness...that's not what a best friend does, nor does it sound anything like "husband material."
Weddings are lovely, most women fantasize about them and for some, it is the pinnacle of their life. Please don't be so fixated on Getting Married that you can't see the suffering it will involve for you.
Perhaps postpone this wedding, take some time, and research personal counseling and Al-Anon to build your own strength. You cannot force him to want to stay sober. All you can do is protect yourself at this stage...I hope you will.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this
This forum is full every day with people who married their spouse not knowing that they had a problem with alcohol. They suffer so much - it is heartbreaking.
You know what is going to happen if you marry this man. You know he has a problem, and you know it is damaging to you. Know that it will get worse once you are married...and at that point you will be legally and financially intertwined with him. His DUIs will become your expense too. His debts will become yours. The medical problems that alcoholics suffer? Your problem too, and your expense. If you have children? They will suffer as children of alcoholics always do.
He has made it clear that he will return to his damaging, drinking ways. He's also blaming you for his unhappiness...that's not what a best friend does, nor does it sound anything like "husband material."
Weddings are lovely, most women fantasize about them and for some, it is the pinnacle of their life. Please don't be so fixated on Getting Married that you can't see the suffering it will involve for you.
Perhaps postpone this wedding, take some time, and research personal counseling and Al-Anon to build your own strength. You cannot force him to want to stay sober. All you can do is protect yourself at this stage...I hope you will.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
You've been given a gift.(before marrying him)
This gift is finding out/realizing he is an alcoholic and him telling you that if it comes down to you and the bottle, he chooses the bottle.
This really is a blessing in disguise.
Don't let him decide which place you come in (ie: 2nd, behind the bottle) YOU get to decide which place you finish and you deserve to be be NUMBER 1!!
This gift is finding out/realizing he is an alcoholic and him telling you that if it comes down to you and the bottle, he chooses the bottle.
This really is a blessing in disguise.
Don't let him decide which place you come in (ie: 2nd, behind the bottle) YOU get to decide which place you finish and you deserve to be be NUMBER 1!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
oh losingbattle...what a sad situation. I do agree with Elsie, however, and think that this is your HigherPower giving you an opportunity. The door is open, however painful it is to walk through...
I understand the dream of wanting a "good man" for a husband. In this society, we fantasize about wedding and the supposed bliss of marriage, perhaps to the point where we blind ourselves to the true character of the person we will be marrying. You say that your partner is good husband material "when he is sober"...the reality of this situation is that he is a whole person, both the binge drinker and the sober super-fiancé. Can you love and accept this man completely, as he is TODAY, because that is the only person he is willing to be.
I know this totally upsets your plans and turns your dreams upside down, but don't you think there's a reason for all this? Marrying someone shouldn't have to be about accepting that person's addiction to a destructive substance!
When in doubt, do nothing. Well, actually, go to Al-Anon, think about all this and focus on the most important person in the world: YOU!
Keep us posted...
I understand the dream of wanting a "good man" for a husband. In this society, we fantasize about wedding and the supposed bliss of marriage, perhaps to the point where we blind ourselves to the true character of the person we will be marrying. You say that your partner is good husband material "when he is sober"...the reality of this situation is that he is a whole person, both the binge drinker and the sober super-fiancé. Can you love and accept this man completely, as he is TODAY, because that is the only person he is willing to be.
I know this totally upsets your plans and turns your dreams upside down, but don't you think there's a reason for all this? Marrying someone shouldn't have to be about accepting that person's addiction to a destructive substance!
When in doubt, do nothing. Well, actually, go to Al-Anon, think about all this and focus on the most important person in the world: YOU!
Keep us posted...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 4
Thanks for all your kind words,
I am going to go along to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow, although I've really no idea what to expect...
I have been thinking so hard about everything and there is no way I can go through with the wedding...I am dreading telling people cos I know there will be a few "I told you so's!" and I know a few of my relations will be out of pocket as the wedding was set to be abroad...
.
The strangest thing is that it getting married was never a matter or urgency, I kept puttin it off but my ABF was so dedicated to his recovery and so sincere that I put my doubts aside and started planning.... and then six months away from the big day his whole mindset seems to have changed....!!!
I am going to go along to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow, although I've really no idea what to expect...
I have been thinking so hard about everything and there is no way I can go through with the wedding...I am dreading telling people cos I know there will be a few "I told you so's!" and I know a few of my relations will be out of pocket as the wedding was set to be abroad...
. The strangest thing is that it getting married was never a matter or urgency, I kept puttin it off but my ABF was so dedicated to his recovery and so sincere that I put my doubts aside and started planning.... and then six months away from the big day his whole mindset seems to have changed....!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Battle--
I agree with Elsie that you have been given a gift. But to me the gift is NOT that you found out "just in time" that you shouldn't marry this guy because he's an alcoholic or he's whatever. To me, the gift is that you have been given the opportunity to learn the lesson NOT TO EVER push your OWN instincts, observations, and feelings "aside," based on what SOMEONE ELSE feels, says, or wants.
In a sense you have been grabbed by the back of your shirt and pulled up out of the fire, feet dangling, but you are still hanging above the fire. Seeing the lesson will move you to solid ground. Not learning the lesson will keep you hanging over the fire. Hope this makes sense. Going to Al-Anon and listening to others and applying what we hear to our lives, helps us to see the lesson clearly. So good for you for going!!!
I agree with Elsie that you have been given a gift. But to me the gift is NOT that you found out "just in time" that you shouldn't marry this guy because he's an alcoholic or he's whatever. To me, the gift is that you have been given the opportunity to learn the lesson NOT TO EVER push your OWN instincts, observations, and feelings "aside," based on what SOMEONE ELSE feels, says, or wants.
In a sense you have been grabbed by the back of your shirt and pulled up out of the fire, feet dangling, but you are still hanging above the fire. Seeing the lesson will move you to solid ground. Not learning the lesson will keep you hanging over the fire. Hope this makes sense. Going to Al-Anon and listening to others and applying what we hear to our lives, helps us to see the lesson clearly. So good for you for going!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Agreed. What others think and say and do is moot. THEY don't have to live your life; *you* do, so they can stuff their criticism.
If you're concerned, you can head them off with a simple statement:
"I've decided to postpone the wedding because my fiancé is binge drinker. I would really appreciate your support but I don't want to discuss this further."
If you're concerned, you can head them off with a simple statement:
"I've decided to postpone the wedding because my fiancé is binge drinker. I would really appreciate your support but I don't want to discuss this further."
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
I am so sorry for your pain but I have to agree that you have been given a gift.
I married my AH not knowing he was an alcoholic!...I had no clue atall......ten years on we have three beautiful children and He has shut down physically and emotionally and I am pretty much a single parent. He is a wonderful provider, a hard worker but he is shut down on all other levels with me and it sucks!
I love him very much too but am now making my plans to leave him as I can not compete with his real true love which sadly is the bottle.
Definately postpone the wedding while you work through a few things, and yep some people will be disappointed and maybe some will say I told you so BUT my friend, this could save you a whole life ahead filled with sadness and pain - you have red flags waving at you please take notice of them.....I know it won't be easy but marrying him could possibly be hell down the track!
Take care and keep us posted........SR keeps me sane! Phiz
I married my AH not knowing he was an alcoholic!...I had no clue atall......ten years on we have three beautiful children and He has shut down physically and emotionally and I am pretty much a single parent. He is a wonderful provider, a hard worker but he is shut down on all other levels with me and it sucks!
I love him very much too but am now making my plans to leave him as I can not compete with his real true love which sadly is the bottle.
Definately postpone the wedding while you work through a few things, and yep some people will be disappointed and maybe some will say I told you so BUT my friend, this could save you a whole life ahead filled with sadness and pain - you have red flags waving at you please take notice of them.....I know it won't be easy but marrying him could possibly be hell down the track!
Take care and keep us posted........SR keeps me sane! Phiz
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
just want to add my support, losing battle.
you do have a bit of a battle ahead of you - emotionally - but with the strength you've already shown, well, i think you're going to be changing your name to:
WINNINGTHEBATTLE
you do have a bit of a battle ahead of you - emotionally - but with the strength you've already shown, well, i think you're going to be changing your name to:
WINNINGTHEBATTLE
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I agree with the others - embrace your instincts, even though it will bring you temporary sadness.
I have known my STBXAH since we were kids. We grew up together, his family is staunchly conservative and alcohol is the way to the devil, and all that. (Seriously. I have NO clue where his alcoholism came from.) It snuck up on us, and slowly destroyed the wonderful man I married.
RUN. And count your blessings that you found out ahead of time. And you may be surprised at how supportive those "I told you sos" might be.
Hugs,
DMC
I have known my STBXAH since we were kids. We grew up together, his family is staunchly conservative and alcohol is the way to the devil, and all that. (Seriously. I have NO clue where his alcoholism came from.) It snuck up on us, and slowly destroyed the wonderful man I married.
RUN. And count your blessings that you found out ahead of time. And you may be surprised at how supportive those "I told you sos" might be.
Hugs,
DMC
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It was easier for me when I thought my future kids deserved better than a troubled man.
If your friends already bought tickets somewhere, why not keep the traveling plans and enjoy a VACATION with them?
If your friends already bought tickets somewhere, why not keep the traveling plans and enjoy a VACATION with them?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 4
I really am lost for what to do, my A is putting pressure on me to make a decision about our future either way.
He wants to "try" again, says it will be different yet will not agree to postone wedding..If I call it off he said thats it (he seems to forget that he is the one breaking his promises and leaving me with no option!) He told me last night that he is no longer an alcoholic
...Denial? or does he actually believe this?
He wants to "try" again, says it will be different yet will not agree to postone wedding..If I call it off he said thats it (he seems to forget that he is the one breaking his promises and leaving me with no option!) He told me last night that he is no longer an alcoholic
...Denial? or does he actually believe this?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
He wants to "try" again, says it will be different yet will not agree to postone wedding
True love will wait until both patries are 100% sure they are doing the right thing.
Personally (cos I cant tell you what to do). i would call any man on this ultimatum.
11/11/07
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by losingbattle 
He wants to "try" again, says it will be different yet will not agree to postone wedding..If I call it off he said thats it (he seems to forget that he is the one breaking his promises and leaving me with no option!) He told me last night that he is no longer an alcoholic ...Denial? or does he actually believe this?
...Denial? or does he actually believe this?Is he working a program of recovery, or just seeing a counselor. I don't think I ever would have been able to stay sober without a program of recovery and support group full of people more than willing to point out my BS alcoholic thinking and redirect it positively.
and leaving me with no option!
I wish the best for you and him, both.
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