Drink problem rearing its head again...6 months to our wedding..!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Cantonian 
Is he working a program of recovery, or just seeing a counselor. I don't think I ever would have been able to stay sober without a program of recovery and support group full of people more than willing to point out my BS alcoholic thinking and redirect it positively.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by losingbattle
I really am lost for what to do, my A is putting pressure on me to make a decision about our future either way.
He wants to "try" again, says it will be different yet will not agree to postone wedding..If I call it off he said thats it (he seems to forget that he is the one breaking his promises and leaving me with no option!) He told me last night that he is no longer an alcoholic
...Denial? or does he actually believe this?
He wants to "try" again, says it will be different yet will not agree to postone wedding..If I call it off he said thats it (he seems to forget that he is the one breaking his promises and leaving me with no option!) He told me last night that he is no longer an alcoholic
...Denial? or does he actually believe this?L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Humble, tx
Posts: 82
So sorry
I see that everyones posts are helpful good advice. Going to alanon saved my self righteous a$$! Give it a good try.
My advice? Don't give into his disease. He is an Alcoholic! He doesn't fit in there? Mine didn't either. I asked my abf what would he name himself on here. He said let me think. An hour later he tells me mostly sober.
So maybe I should be mostly serene? Ha ha, but seriously.
Can you put down all of his charecter traits you love on one page, all of his defects you don't love, compare the lists and see where. YOU. Stand on these?any dealbreakers?
People who have survived concentration camps, miraculously found peace, joy, and happiness and contentment. How? It's fascinating. I can relate when I read their words. Just like I relate on this recovery site.
We've all been thru some kinda hell, or we wouldn't have found this place.
Now that we are here, we find peace, happiness, and of course, we get lost in the weeds. Like they say in the food business help I'm stuck in the weeds! Then some kind generous fellow human usually helps us out of the weeds,
you deserve to inhale the scent of flowers, feel the warmth of the sun.
It's ok to postpone, you do not have to make a rash decision. Gather the facts, do your research, and please, keep coming back!
My advice? Don't give into his disease. He is an Alcoholic! He doesn't fit in there? Mine didn't either. I asked my abf what would he name himself on here. He said let me think. An hour later he tells me mostly sober.
So maybe I should be mostly serene? Ha ha, but seriously.
Can you put down all of his charecter traits you love on one page, all of his defects you don't love, compare the lists and see where. YOU. Stand on these?any dealbreakers?
People who have survived concentration camps, miraculously found peace, joy, and happiness and contentment. How? It's fascinating. I can relate when I read their words. Just like I relate on this recovery site.
We've all been thru some kinda hell, or we wouldn't have found this place.
Now that we are here, we find peace, happiness, and of course, we get lost in the weeds. Like they say in the food business help I'm stuck in the weeds! Then some kind generous fellow human usually helps us out of the weeds,
you deserve to inhale the scent of flowers, feel the warmth of the sun.
It's ok to postpone, you do not have to make a rash decision. Gather the facts, do your research, and please, keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Cantonian
You are so right, he really hasn't left you but one option, there is a distinct possibility that by staying true to yourself you may lose this man, but your actions may also force him to confront the truth of his disease by losing you.
I wish the best for you and him, both.
I wish the best for you and him, both.
Those voices/thoughts were all so loud that I did not listen to my quiet inner voice. The disconnect made my thinking so clouded and I felt so crazy. I'll echo the advice to stay true to yourself.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He told me last night that he is no longer an alcoholic ...Denial? or does he actually believe this?
The BEST predictor of future behavior is PAST behavior. What you HAVE BEEN getting is, for the most part, what you WILL GET from this guy in the future. Be strong in knowing what you want for yourself and your life; it is TOO EASY to let someone else sway us. If you have to be coerced or threatened into marrying someone, why on Earth would you want to marry them?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Wow.
He can't stop you from postponing the wedding.
He can choose not to marry you if you do so.
But if he did that, would he be a person you would WANT to marry?
If you knew for you that you needed to work things through in your head?
You matter.
Your needs matter.
Keep telling yourself that.
Hugs.
He can't stop you from postponing the wedding.
He can choose not to marry you if you do so.
But if he did that, would he be a person you would WANT to marry?
If you knew for you that you needed to work things through in your head?
You matter.
Your needs matter.
Keep telling yourself that.
Hugs.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
I did not read any other repliers . I read your one post and now I am here writing:With what I know now, with what he said to you, I would get the hell out whether my heart was presently breaking or not!!!!!!!!! Because of what I know now chances are i would suffer a different kind of breaking later as I experienced a kind of silent death through the years. 5 years for you already though........... are you to the point where you relate to my term "silent death through the years?"
I am so sorry..... I hate to hear what he has just said, done to you.
I am so sorry..... I hate to hear what he has just said, done to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi losingbattle,
I've been in 2 emotionally abusive relationships. One was w/o alcohol, one was with it. In both of those relationships, when if I wasn't ready to make a decision about the relationship as a whole, I made the decision to hold off on making any MAJOR decisions/commitments and also NO major purchases (house/car/etc.). Those were good decisions, and I'm glad I did that. I lived with the first significant other (non-alcoholic, but ACOA) and that was SO hard when I realized the abuse was escalating and I had to get the hell out of there with my kids. Such upheaval, and trying to keep myself and my kids "okay"... We weren't married, and my name wasn't on the house (I essentially paid rent) and it was STILL hard. My A now (we're taking a break for the next month) and I don't live together. WHEW, WHEW, WHEW. I can't tell you how happy I am that I never commited to that relationship in living arrangements/purchases, etc.
If this relationship is meant to be, it will be. You don't need to force it at all, it will unfold with love. Unfortunately, when I read your words, this situation does not feel like love to me, it feels like pressure. Only you can decide if that's what it feels like for you, I just wanted to share how it feels to me from the outside looking in.
I'm taking a month-long break from my A right now, and it's very hard but also feels a lot like relief--pressure has been lifted. Can you to consider giving yourself the gift of time and self-love, to have clarity around what is best for you and your future life?
Hugs~
I've been in 2 emotionally abusive relationships. One was w/o alcohol, one was with it. In both of those relationships, when if I wasn't ready to make a decision about the relationship as a whole, I made the decision to hold off on making any MAJOR decisions/commitments and also NO major purchases (house/car/etc.). Those were good decisions, and I'm glad I did that. I lived with the first significant other (non-alcoholic, but ACOA) and that was SO hard when I realized the abuse was escalating and I had to get the hell out of there with my kids. Such upheaval, and trying to keep myself and my kids "okay"... We weren't married, and my name wasn't on the house (I essentially paid rent) and it was STILL hard. My A now (we're taking a break for the next month) and I don't live together. WHEW, WHEW, WHEW. I can't tell you how happy I am that I never commited to that relationship in living arrangements/purchases, etc.
If this relationship is meant to be, it will be. You don't need to force it at all, it will unfold with love. Unfortunately, when I read your words, this situation does not feel like love to me, it feels like pressure. Only you can decide if that's what it feels like for you, I just wanted to share how it feels to me from the outside looking in.
I'm taking a month-long break from my A right now, and it's very hard but also feels a lot like relief--pressure has been lifted. Can you to consider giving yourself the gift of time and self-love, to have clarity around what is best for you and your future life?
Hugs~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi losingbattle,
I've been in 2 emotionally abusive relationships. One was w/o alcohol, one was with it. In both of those relationships, when if I wasn't ready to make a decision about the relationship as a whole, I made the decision to hold off on making any MAJOR decisions/commitments and also NO major purchases (house/car/etc.). Those were good decisions, and I'm glad I did that. I lived with the first significant other (non-alcoholic, but ACOA) and that was SO hard when I realized the abuse was escalating and I had to get the hell out of there with my kids. Such upheaval, and trying to keep myself and my kids "okay"... We weren't married, and my name wasn't on the house (I essentially paid rent) and it was STILL hard. My A now (we're taking a break for the next month) and I don't live together. WHEW, WHEW, WHEW. I can't tell you how happy I am that I never commited to that relationship in living arrangements/purchases, etc.
If this relationship is meant to be, it will be. You don't need to force it at all, it will unfold with love. Unfortunately, when I read your words, this situation does not feel like love to me, it feels like pressure. Only you can decide if that's what it feels like for you, I just wanted to share how it feels to me from the outside looking in.
I'm taking a month-long break from my A right now, and it's very hard but also feels a lot like relief--pressure has been lifted. Can you to consider giving yourself the gift of time and self-love, to have clarity around what is best for you and your future life?
Hugs~
I've been in 2 emotionally abusive relationships. One was w/o alcohol, one was with it. In both of those relationships, when if I wasn't ready to make a decision about the relationship as a whole, I made the decision to hold off on making any MAJOR decisions/commitments and also NO major purchases (house/car/etc.). Those were good decisions, and I'm glad I did that. I lived with the first significant other (non-alcoholic, but ACOA) and that was SO hard when I realized the abuse was escalating and I had to get the hell out of there with my kids. Such upheaval, and trying to keep myself and my kids "okay"... We weren't married, and my name wasn't on the house (I essentially paid rent) and it was STILL hard. My A now (we're taking a break for the next month) and I don't live together. WHEW, WHEW, WHEW. I can't tell you how happy I am that I never commited to that relationship in living arrangements/purchases, etc.
If this relationship is meant to be, it will be. You don't need to force it at all, it will unfold with love. Unfortunately, when I read your words, this situation does not feel like love to me, it feels like pressure. Only you can decide if that's what it feels like for you, I just wanted to share how it feels to me from the outside looking in.
I'm taking a month-long break from my A right now, and it's very hard but also feels a lot like relief--pressure has been lifted. Can you to consider giving yourself the gift of time and self-love, to have clarity around what is best for you and your future life?
Hugs~
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