Reconciling with my AH - steps? possible?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 25
Reconciling with my AH - steps? possible?
I have been separated from my AH for over a year now. He had an affair and I finally had enough. It has been tremendously good for me individually. I've identified issues I didn't even know I had and I am working on them. The separation has been nothing but a good thing for me.
He is 4 months into sobriety. The first 2 months he wasn't even worth talking to. 3 months in there was a glimmer of growth. After 4 months, there SEEMS to be some real personal growth and change. I have flat out told him I'm not even willing to discuss working things out for at LEAST another 6 months. He wasn't OK with this at first. He felt like it was too big a risk. I said tough thats all I'm willing to consider. A few weeks later after a class where they were discussing relationships, we had a very good very long conversation about things and he finally understood why its important to me and more importantly him to take some time before we even consider it.
I do love him. Living with him again terrifies me. But thats b/c the last 3 years of our time together he was drunk and hiding from life. Sober things would likely be different.
So my questions are: should i interact with him at all over the next several months or just go our separate ways totally and reconnect later? is reconcilliation even possible under these circumstances?
He is 4 months into sobriety. The first 2 months he wasn't even worth talking to. 3 months in there was a glimmer of growth. After 4 months, there SEEMS to be some real personal growth and change. I have flat out told him I'm not even willing to discuss working things out for at LEAST another 6 months. He wasn't OK with this at first. He felt like it was too big a risk. I said tough thats all I'm willing to consider. A few weeks later after a class where they were discussing relationships, we had a very good very long conversation about things and he finally understood why its important to me and more importantly him to take some time before we even consider it.
I do love him. Living with him again terrifies me. But thats b/c the last 3 years of our time together he was drunk and hiding from life. Sober things would likely be different.
So my questions are: should i interact with him at all over the next several months or just go our separate ways totally and reconnect later? is reconcilliation even possible under these circumstances?
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I, of course, believe it is possible, otherwise I wouldn't have tried it. It didn't work out for me, but that doesn't mean it won't work out for you.
After 20 years and two children, I needed to give it another try after my AH got sober. It turned out that he was still immature, selfish and irresponsible. But, I needed to try just to be sure.
As far as interacting with him, I don't know the answer. You will have to decide what is best for you. What are your boundaries? How far can you go with this and still be in control of your own life and emotions?
There is no hurry. If it is meant to be, then it will, no matter how long either of you takes to work out your own stuff. Keep that in mind, and keep your eyes wide open, and you will be fine.
Edit to add: I love mine, too. With all my heart. I only wish the best for him, even when he p!sses me off! Loving someone doesn't have to mean living with them. Best of luck to you.
L
After 20 years and two children, I needed to give it another try after my AH got sober. It turned out that he was still immature, selfish and irresponsible. But, I needed to try just to be sure.
As far as interacting with him, I don't know the answer. You will have to decide what is best for you. What are your boundaries? How far can you go with this and still be in control of your own life and emotions?
There is no hurry. If it is meant to be, then it will, no matter how long either of you takes to work out your own stuff. Keep that in mind, and keep your eyes wide open, and you will be fine.
Edit to add: I love mine, too. With all my heart. I only wish the best for him, even when he p!sses me off! Loving someone doesn't have to mean living with them. Best of luck to you.
L
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