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Well, glad THAT'S over! Yesterday I was really down in the dumps, feeling bad, missing XABF, and against my better judgement I was communicating a bit with him via email as he's still in Florida. (Actually, truth be told, the couple days leading up to yesterday I had started to miss him, it got worse and worse) The emails were really tense, he said some nasty things, it hurt me. Throughout the day I could feel myself changing physically and mentally, and not for the better. Over the past few days my housework has not been getting done to the best of my ability. Thoughts were consumed of him, what was he doing, who was he with, is he drinking, why hasn't he contacted me, is he happy, did he meet someone etc. By the time dinner time rolled around yesterday, I found myself in physical pain. The stress induced chest pain that had put me in the hospital over a year ago was back, but not nearly as bad as it was previously. I sat and was reading something funny, my laughter quickly switched and I was very close to an all out bawl-fest....realized what was happening and got up, composed myself and carried on. Later on I was very grumpy, not very nice to the kids, angered easily, frustrated easily, no sense of humor etc. Today it hit me...just now as I was tidying my girls room. I saw the cycle....communication with him, leads me to depression, anger, being angry with my kids for no reason etc. That's what was wrong with me! I was communicating with him, and everything changed! I went back to that person I was when we lived together, and I hated that girl! I don't want to be that girl! I pride myself on being a great mom, and a good friend to my kids. I pride myself on my patience and care giving where they are concerned, and he never did bring that out in me. He brought out and apparently continues to bring out the worst in me. LIGHTBULB moment!! So today, once again I'm taking my life back. Taking my house back. Taking myself back. 1 step forward, two steps back is what I did there. From now on, it's all steps ahead, guns blazing and not looking back. I want someone who brings out the BEST in me. Not someone who turns me into someone I do not want to be. Very thankful for that awakening today! Man, I needed that! :dance1a: |
Congratulations, Elsie! That's great! :c011: That's why we so often recommend NO CONTACT for at least a period of time to allow yourself to settle down and figure out what it is you truly want. It's so difficult, if not impossible, to see things clearly while still involved in all the drama and chaos. Keep on keeping on, Elsie. Take the very best care of YOU and your kids as possible. It's the most important job in your life at this moment. |
YES ! This is SO great. Glad for you. :bounce |
I had contact with my XAGF on Thursday and noticed I was in a similar slump for a day or two after, I think that's pretty normal when you can't go completely no contact. |
The more days that go by with no contact, the more I heal. It's so strange how just a tiny bit of contact (one text even) can totally blacken my spirits for days. I just feel SO BAD when I'm in contact with him. I totally get what you mean. I just wonder how much time has to go by before it won't affect me to hear from him. I'm afraid to even THINK about testing the waters. Glad you're on the path to healing! |
Awesome healing!!! Good on you. |
Thoughts were consumed of him, what was he doing, who was he with, is he drinking, why hasn't he contacted me, is he happy, did he meet someone etc. I don't want to be that girl! |
I went back to that person I was when we lived together, and I hated that girl! I don't want to be that girl! I allowed that girl to come back into my life last summer. Scared the hell out of my daughter! She said "You went there again". When I saw how hurt she was by my becoming that girl again, I vowed to be more diligent in doing everything I can to keep myself from reacting again in that manner. (btw, it wasn't my alcoholic that brought out 'that girl' in this case) Good on you Elsie for recognizing this pattern! |
Funny how a pain in the butt can end up as a pain in the chest, our chest. Elsie, congrats on that lightbulb moment, and seeing that the answer to you having no down mood or chest pain.....is to cut out the pain in the butt. So easy isn't it?? NOT God bless |
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