Tired of drama, drama, drama
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Tired of drama, drama, drama
Venting: 
I'm tired and whiny at the moment, but mostly I'm incredibly sad. I called my A today (we don't live together) and I heard the efforts to get me to engage in conversation, I heard it said, "I'm looking at myself" and "Maybe we're here to help each other to learn."
Okay, well, I called...what did I expect? I knew, before I pressed those phone numbers, what the outcome would be for me...getting hooked back in on some level...this is like self-inflicted torture. No matter how much I talk to myself about what steps to take (and I've taken a LOT of positive steps in the last few weeks) I still have these moments when I dial that number, knowing in my mind that I'm "going back to an empty well" as a friend of mine says. BUT, I have to keep checking to make sure that it's STILL empty. Ugh. It's insane.
Over the last couple of weeks things have been planned by my significant other without me, decisions were made that affected me and I was informed after the fact. They weren't earth-shattering decisions, mind you, but I was hurt, angry, etc., and felt like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet.
I keep waiting for it to be different. It's only in the last week or so that I've been telling myself that it's NOT going to be different. Know what's even more crazy? A couple of months ago a friend of mine, who does ALL KINDS of personal work and growth, expressed honest attraction-type feelings that they have for me. This was during a period of time when the A and I had broken up. This person is SO HEALTHY in so many ways (not to minimize the personal "stuff" they have, too--we're not talking perfect, but definitely interested in growing and learning, etc.). I was completely honest about where I'm at, what's happening for me, we talked about my relationship with A and me needing to be in that process (significant other and I are in counseling), preserving our friendship, etc. It was wonderful. And I'm not looking to replace my loneliness with another relationship--that would clearly be more chaos. But I fully recognize that I am not automatically drawn to the healthy ones and that has been a long pattern.
I keep asking myself, WHY DO I KEEP CHOOSING THIS CRAZY RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS A??!! WHY do I put up with being blamed for the feelings of the A? WHY do I feel manipulated? Because I have been. And further, some pics of the A out at a social function last weekend surfaced on FB, and there's the evidence, dancing CLOSELY in the arms of another. Mutual friends of mine who were there talked to me about it, minimized it, said they wouldn't have let anything happen so don't fret about it, they wouldn't have had a problem with their significant other doing that, ARGH. More insanity. I don't need to ask my A significant other what happened...that would be reasoned away with statements about me being controlling, not accepting them for who they are, judging the situation when I wasn't even there, being insecure, etc. And I'm not saying I don't have those qualities at all, I'm just saying, isn't that kind of understandable, given the pictures and the history of this relationship (there has been some questionable behavior in the past, though I believe it stopped short of full-blown infidelity)? Oh, and of course, the pics also showed my smiling A with glasses of alcohol throughout the evening. There's a growing part of me that knows I need to accept the realities, and move on.
Now, today during that phone conversation that I initiated, I heard the statements about how much pain there has been, my A saying they are "so sorry" that it has been so hard. Puh-leeeeeeze. My healthy grown-up self is thoroughly NOT impressed. My wounded inner self is starving for that kind of bullsh*t.
I read the article about unavailable people, it was helpful. But I still feel insane. I go to a couple of Alanon meetings every week and that has brought me a long way in a few months. I can't wait to get there tomorrow night, and am so, so, so grateful for this forum.
Thank you for being here, everyone. I feel better already.
pp
I'm tired and whiny at the moment, but mostly I'm incredibly sad. I called my A today (we don't live together) and I heard the efforts to get me to engage in conversation, I heard it said, "I'm looking at myself" and "Maybe we're here to help each other to learn." Okay, well, I called...what did I expect? I knew, before I pressed those phone numbers, what the outcome would be for me...getting hooked back in on some level...this is like self-inflicted torture. No matter how much I talk to myself about what steps to take (and I've taken a LOT of positive steps in the last few weeks) I still have these moments when I dial that number, knowing in my mind that I'm "going back to an empty well" as a friend of mine says. BUT, I have to keep checking to make sure that it's STILL empty. Ugh. It's insane.
Over the last couple of weeks things have been planned by my significant other without me, decisions were made that affected me and I was informed after the fact. They weren't earth-shattering decisions, mind you, but I was hurt, angry, etc., and felt like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet.
I keep waiting for it to be different. It's only in the last week or so that I've been telling myself that it's NOT going to be different. Know what's even more crazy? A couple of months ago a friend of mine, who does ALL KINDS of personal work and growth, expressed honest attraction-type feelings that they have for me. This was during a period of time when the A and I had broken up. This person is SO HEALTHY in so many ways (not to minimize the personal "stuff" they have, too--we're not talking perfect, but definitely interested in growing and learning, etc.). I was completely honest about where I'm at, what's happening for me, we talked about my relationship with A and me needing to be in that process (significant other and I are in counseling), preserving our friendship, etc. It was wonderful. And I'm not looking to replace my loneliness with another relationship--that would clearly be more chaos. But I fully recognize that I am not automatically drawn to the healthy ones and that has been a long pattern.
I keep asking myself, WHY DO I KEEP CHOOSING THIS CRAZY RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS A??!! WHY do I put up with being blamed for the feelings of the A? WHY do I feel manipulated? Because I have been. And further, some pics of the A out at a social function last weekend surfaced on FB, and there's the evidence, dancing CLOSELY in the arms of another. Mutual friends of mine who were there talked to me about it, minimized it, said they wouldn't have let anything happen so don't fret about it, they wouldn't have had a problem with their significant other doing that, ARGH. More insanity. I don't need to ask my A significant other what happened...that would be reasoned away with statements about me being controlling, not accepting them for who they are, judging the situation when I wasn't even there, being insecure, etc. And I'm not saying I don't have those qualities at all, I'm just saying, isn't that kind of understandable, given the pictures and the history of this relationship (there has been some questionable behavior in the past, though I believe it stopped short of full-blown infidelity)? Oh, and of course, the pics also showed my smiling A with glasses of alcohol throughout the evening. There's a growing part of me that knows I need to accept the realities, and move on.
Now, today during that phone conversation that I initiated, I heard the statements about how much pain there has been, my A saying they are "so sorry" that it has been so hard. Puh-leeeeeeze. My healthy grown-up self is thoroughly NOT impressed. My wounded inner self is starving for that kind of bullsh*t.
I read the article about unavailable people, it was helpful. But I still feel insane. I go to a couple of Alanon meetings every week and that has brought me a long way in a few months. I can't wait to get there tomorrow night, and am so, so, so grateful for this forum.
Thank you for being here, everyone. I feel better already.
pp
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I think you have it all in your hands.
He has a history of yuck.
You are thinking there is more yuck there, but you're not sure so you're doubting yourself.
You want his attention/validation/love.
When does someone stand up for you? Love you? When?
Do you have to wait forever?
No.
You are that person.
When you are SICK AND TIRED of waiting and getting scraps from others, you will BE READY. To put your foot down. To draw the line in the sand. To set the boundary: THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. I deserve more than this.
You can do it. At any time.
You can raise your expectations.
You can begin to meet the wounded inner kids that don't think they deserve love and begin to love them.
To walk away from people that treat you like you are worth less than you are.
To surround yourself with people that adore you and encourage you that you trust and adore.
To do individual counseling.
To start doing affirmations.
To promise to marry yourself and never leave you.
Whatever you need.
You have the tools.
They are there when you are ready.
We're on the sidelines with our cheers and signs and love when you are ready.
Hugs.
He has a history of yuck.
You are thinking there is more yuck there, but you're not sure so you're doubting yourself.
You want his attention/validation/love.
When does someone stand up for you? Love you? When?
Do you have to wait forever?
No.
You are that person.
When you are SICK AND TIRED of waiting and getting scraps from others, you will BE READY. To put your foot down. To draw the line in the sand. To set the boundary: THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. I deserve more than this.
You can do it. At any time.
You can raise your expectations.
You can begin to meet the wounded inner kids that don't think they deserve love and begin to love them.
To walk away from people that treat you like you are worth less than you are.
To surround yourself with people that adore you and encourage you that you trust and adore.
To do individual counseling.
To start doing affirmations.
To promise to marry yourself and never leave you.
Whatever you need.
You have the tools.
They are there when you are ready.
We're on the sidelines with our cheers and signs and love when you are ready.
Hugs.
drama Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
ya know, i think us codies are a lot like dogs barking at passing cars...as long as the cars keep rolling past, the dog has a "job" - and while it APPEARS the goal is THE CAR, the dog wouldn't have the slightest idea what to do if he actually CAUGHT ONE. it's just a conditioned response.....
right wrong good or bad, how things ARE has been your comfort zone. the drama, the emotional upheaval, the not knowing but always knowing what would happen next. over time you have developed a conditioned response to the situation....the insanity of it all has become your boundary....it has defined you.
right wrong good or bad, how things ARE has been your comfort zone. the drama, the emotional upheaval, the not knowing but always knowing what would happen next. over time you have developed a conditioned response to the situation....the insanity of it all has become your boundary....it has defined you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
When I realized it is TRUE that I may NOT be in this wonderful planet tomorrow, or even make it to this afternoon...... my outlook changed...........
The Death Clock - When Am I Going To Die?
That one is just for fun.... to me its a wake up call to see that clock ticking backwards....... we are NOT going to be around forever.....
Good luck !!!! when I started getting angry it was such a HUGE step forward... (ok I think I'm STILL there sometimes lol)... but definitely anger is a healthy sign... it means you are starting to think about yourself and protecting yourself...
The Death Clock - When Am I Going To Die?
That one is just for fun.... to me its a wake up call to see that clock ticking backwards....... we are NOT going to be around forever.....
Good luck !!!! when I started getting angry it was such a HUGE step forward... (ok I think I'm STILL there sometimes lol)... but definitely anger is a healthy sign... it means you are starting to think about yourself and protecting yourself...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
My healthy grown-up self is thoroughly NOT impressed. My wounded inner self is starving for that kind of bullsh*t.
I just really love the insight from this sentence, and I can connect with it.
I tell ya, just writing here, even in a journal is such a GREAT release of emotions. Sending you hugs!
I just really love the insight from this sentence, and I can connect with it.
I tell ya, just writing here, even in a journal is such a GREAT release of emotions. Sending you hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Chasing the truth about an active A's actions is just as Anvil said,...like a dog chasing cars...and while the car is fine, often the dog gets hurt.
I finally stopped wondering and pulled the pin. Freedom of mind for me.
God bless
Anyone recognise this.
I finally stopped wondering and pulled the pin. Freedom of mind for me.
God bless
Anyone recognise this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Oh wow, such strength here. Thank you, thank you, everyone. I feel less "adrift" and more in control of MYSELF and MY life. I'm breathing. wifeofadrinker, anvil, your words are echoing in my head...it just feels right. Such strong and gentle words--powerful. takingcharge, your comment about anger struck me--is this it, then? I'm angry! Whew. Sad for me that I didn't even fully recognize that.
Tomorrow we have a counseling session. I've been going to Alanon for almost 5 months (regularly attending since November) and also have done some individual counseling work. I needed to ride the merry-go-round again after having broken up for a few weeks in November, and I gave it a really good second chance. I'm seriously considering whether I can end things in session tomorrow and make it stick, just saying goodbye with our "mediator" present, say to the A to come get your things I have, let's live and let live.
It may well be seen as MY problem, MY hangup, MY control since there's "not as much drinking happening--1 or 2 a day, at the most!", but I have spent enough time researching "dry drunk" to see that the behaviors continue, and WILL continue...I want to stop chasing cars!!
It's time for me to let go but I don't know if I can just yet. Please send me strength. I'm trying to hang onto the feeling of relief that seeps in when I consider this, more than focusing on the pain. I don't know if I can do this tomorrow, but I will do what I can and know that I'm moving through this. I hope I can be healthy enough, and wise enough, to move through this with a sense of wonderment about what my life can, and will, be. I will begin a list tonight of all the things that will remind me of the pain, the manipulation, the lack of respect and consideration, so that I can see what I've done to myself. I also want to be reminded, when I am desperate to pick up that phone, of why I am working so hard to make a healthy, although foreign, choice for myself in terms of relationship.
Wish me luck, and thank you...
pp
Tomorrow we have a counseling session. I've been going to Alanon for almost 5 months (regularly attending since November) and also have done some individual counseling work. I needed to ride the merry-go-round again after having broken up for a few weeks in November, and I gave it a really good second chance. I'm seriously considering whether I can end things in session tomorrow and make it stick, just saying goodbye with our "mediator" present, say to the A to come get your things I have, let's live and let live.
It may well be seen as MY problem, MY hangup, MY control since there's "not as much drinking happening--1 or 2 a day, at the most!", but I have spent enough time researching "dry drunk" to see that the behaviors continue, and WILL continue...I want to stop chasing cars!!
It's time for me to let go but I don't know if I can just yet. Please send me strength. I'm trying to hang onto the feeling of relief that seeps in when I consider this, more than focusing on the pain. I don't know if I can do this tomorrow, but I will do what I can and know that I'm moving through this. I hope I can be healthy enough, and wise enough, to move through this with a sense of wonderment about what my life can, and will, be. I will begin a list tonight of all the things that will remind me of the pain, the manipulation, the lack of respect and consideration, so that I can see what I've done to myself. I also want to be reminded, when I am desperate to pick up that phone, of why I am working so hard to make a healthy, although foreign, choice for myself in terms of relationship.
Wish me luck, and thank you...
pp
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
you have my support, this is hard stuff, it is about giving up on a dream. if you are sitting in that counselor's office, with the support and guidance and levity from said counselor, you just might say what you want to say.
and if you do not, cuz you chicken out, well, that's ok too. you'll have another chance.
good wishes are going with you
and if you do not, cuz you chicken out, well, that's ok too. you'll have another chance.
good wishes are going with you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
coffee, as I sit here drinking my morning coffee I'm re-reading your words and getting all teary. Thank you.
I cannot say how much all of you have helped me with this. I still don't know what I'll do today during that session, but I'm much clearer about it all. It might be today when I spread my wings and fly, but if it isn't, it will be someday soon. I can live with that.
In the meantime I'm looking over the 4th step "Blueprint for Progress" and am realizing, that I really need a sponsor. It's time.
Much gratitude,
pp
I cannot say how much all of you have helped me with this. I still don't know what I'll do today during that session, but I'm much clearer about it all. It might be today when I spread my wings and fly, but if it isn't, it will be someday soon. I can live with that.
In the meantime I'm looking over the 4th step "Blueprint for Progress" and am realizing, that I really need a sponsor. It's time.
Much gratitude,
pp
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Summer, we've been in therapy only after I initiated a breakup in November. After the breakup it was all about "I'm working on my stuff, not drinking so much and surrendering to this process." That was after me asking for months, practically BEGGING, to go to counseling. It wasn't about MY pain at that time, it was about THEM, because now, finally, I had created some distance and it was hurting more than just me.
My A has been in AA, was 13th stepped there years ago, and admits that "I didn't work the steps the way I needed to in order to really address the issue." The drinking is acknowledged as a problem but I'm frequently told, "I don't want to be a non-drinker, I'm happy being a social drinker and if you wanted to be with a non-drinker then you should have told me that from the beginning."
The thing is, I've never been with non-drinkers and have been content with that. This is the first relationship where alcohol has been a problem. My other relationships all involved dishonesty, lack of commitment, lack of good healthy boundaries and respect, trust, etc., however--which are certainly addict-type dynamics and in my other relationships I've been with ACOA or children of ACOAs--which is what I am, too. I see my pattern and am learning about my responsibility for that.
I don't think there's really a desire on the part of my A to get into recovery. I think it's all about getting out of pain, which is all about them. It has never been about strengthening the relationship as a team, it's never been about me, even when I BEGGED to go to counseling when these things started happening (the relationship was very new and that was the excuse at the time--but I was in pain so went to counseling for myself at that time).
It feels validating for me to even type those thoughts, it helps me to keep myself honest. My desire is to get better without being dependent on anyone else's process. I'm terrified, but looking at the behavior/realities really helps.
Thanks for your questions, and I'd be really interested to hear any additional thoughts you or anyone else has about all this. Please send me strength to figure this out and get through the pain.
pp
My A has been in AA, was 13th stepped there years ago, and admits that "I didn't work the steps the way I needed to in order to really address the issue." The drinking is acknowledged as a problem but I'm frequently told, "I don't want to be a non-drinker, I'm happy being a social drinker and if you wanted to be with a non-drinker then you should have told me that from the beginning."
The thing is, I've never been with non-drinkers and have been content with that. This is the first relationship where alcohol has been a problem. My other relationships all involved dishonesty, lack of commitment, lack of good healthy boundaries and respect, trust, etc., however--which are certainly addict-type dynamics and in my other relationships I've been with ACOA or children of ACOAs--which is what I am, too. I see my pattern and am learning about my responsibility for that.
I don't think there's really a desire on the part of my A to get into recovery. I think it's all about getting out of pain, which is all about them. It has never been about strengthening the relationship as a team, it's never been about me, even when I BEGGED to go to counseling when these things started happening (the relationship was very new and that was the excuse at the time--but I was in pain so went to counseling for myself at that time).
It feels validating for me to even type those thoughts, it helps me to keep myself honest. My desire is to get better without being dependent on anyone else's process. I'm terrified, but looking at the behavior/realities really helps.
Thanks for your questions, and I'd be really interested to hear any additional thoughts you or anyone else has about all this. Please send me strength to figure this out and get through the pain.
pp
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I'm sorry I am going to ask more questions. I read your other posts but am not clear
so fogive my questions, why do you want to leave him?
Is he abusive? He only drinks socially?
Or do you want to leave just to be alone and work on you and this is not about him?
so fogive my questions, why do you want to leave him?
Is he abusive? He only drinks socially?
Or do you want to leave just to be alone and work on you and this is not about him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Oh, it's fine that you're asking questions, it's good for me to give time to considering my responses and feelings so that I can gain more clarity.
Is there abuse...? Well, I've never been hit, if that's what you mean. I've been screamed at, lied to through omission (but if I ask just the right direct question it will be answered honestly, and that's a lot of work!), blamed for the drinking when things have been stressful ("It's no wonder I want to drink, this relationship is so hard!"), asked to tolerate inappropriate relationships (an affair that was over but they were still having contact and I asked that to stop--which only stopped after I initiated the break up in November), countless disappointments over changed plans that I had my heart set on, bitching to friends and family about how much this relationship means but yet I'm so "controlling", etc. That feels abusive at worst, and completely disrespectful at best. And yes, there are the promises of social-only drinking after years of drinking alone--lots of hard liquor and especially Vodka since "it's hard to smell" (which honestly, I find completely untrue). The drinking alone is still happening, but "only 1 or 2 drinks a day, and only wine or beer", which apparently, in my A's mind, does not count as drinking alone. And believe me, there are plenty of social opportunities to drink, and plenty of people encouraging that behavior. I am, it seems, "the problem" here when I look at the support network my A has established with family and friends. No wonder I seem like the problem when even the doctor has said the liver function tests are okay, so it must not be a problem...WTF??!!
There have, of course, been ample times of love and connection--powerful moments that have kept me roped in. It was my A who observed, "When it's good it's fantastic, and when it's bad it's horrific." Yup. It has taken me time to figure out that I don't have to live my life with relationship whiplash. What I know I want, that I haven't been able to choose thus far, is a relationship with someone who is available, able to make plans and stick to them, someone who wants to work through the hard stuff. I know I have to be that person first. I've been trying to do that through the counseling together and my attendance at Alanon and with my own therapist but I find that my A really appeals to the wounded 5 year old and I can't seem to stop reacting from that place when we're together. I admonish myself for not being stronger, for not being able to do that, but maybe someday I will. For now I have to surround myself with positive people doing positive things, people who can help me by letting me have my wounds and yet encourage me to be the healthy adult I want to be.
This morning I was thinking of the AA/Alanon phrase, "Fake it 'til you make it." That's me. I'm desperately trying to fake being all grown up, knowing in my head I can do it, and faking it until my heart and woundedness catch up.
I hope all of that makes sense. Feel free to ask more questions...
Gratefully,
pp
Is there abuse...? Well, I've never been hit, if that's what you mean. I've been screamed at, lied to through omission (but if I ask just the right direct question it will be answered honestly, and that's a lot of work!), blamed for the drinking when things have been stressful ("It's no wonder I want to drink, this relationship is so hard!"), asked to tolerate inappropriate relationships (an affair that was over but they were still having contact and I asked that to stop--which only stopped after I initiated the break up in November), countless disappointments over changed plans that I had my heart set on, bitching to friends and family about how much this relationship means but yet I'm so "controlling", etc. That feels abusive at worst, and completely disrespectful at best. And yes, there are the promises of social-only drinking after years of drinking alone--lots of hard liquor and especially Vodka since "it's hard to smell" (which honestly, I find completely untrue). The drinking alone is still happening, but "only 1 or 2 drinks a day, and only wine or beer", which apparently, in my A's mind, does not count as drinking alone. And believe me, there are plenty of social opportunities to drink, and plenty of people encouraging that behavior. I am, it seems, "the problem" here when I look at the support network my A has established with family and friends. No wonder I seem like the problem when even the doctor has said the liver function tests are okay, so it must not be a problem...WTF??!!
There have, of course, been ample times of love and connection--powerful moments that have kept me roped in. It was my A who observed, "When it's good it's fantastic, and when it's bad it's horrific." Yup. It has taken me time to figure out that I don't have to live my life with relationship whiplash. What I know I want, that I haven't been able to choose thus far, is a relationship with someone who is available, able to make plans and stick to them, someone who wants to work through the hard stuff. I know I have to be that person first. I've been trying to do that through the counseling together and my attendance at Alanon and with my own therapist but I find that my A really appeals to the wounded 5 year old and I can't seem to stop reacting from that place when we're together. I admonish myself for not being stronger, for not being able to do that, but maybe someday I will. For now I have to surround myself with positive people doing positive things, people who can help me by letting me have my wounds and yet encourage me to be the healthy adult I want to be.
This morning I was thinking of the AA/Alanon phrase, "Fake it 'til you make it." That's me. I'm desperately trying to fake being all grown up, knowing in my head I can do it, and faking it until my heart and woundedness catch up.
I hope all of that makes sense. Feel free to ask more questions...
Gratefully,
pp
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by posiesperson 
It may well be seen as MY problem, MY hangup, MY control since there's "not as much drinking happening--1 or 2 a day, at the most!", but I have spent enough time researching "dry drunk" to see that the behaviors continue, and WILL continue...I want to stop chasing cars!!
I too struggled with the notion of "being the bad guy"...leaving a poor alkie to fend for himself with his son who desperately needed "saving". I have come to accept that I cannot save everybody and though I feared doning the Bad Guy Mantle, no one actually blamed me for leaving XAH. Drinking aside, he was a lousy husband and a lousy person in general. I didn't see that from inside the marriage but it was plainly obvious to others on the outside.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Just back from counseling...A showed up with some amazing insight from Tolle, looked me in the eye oh-so-sweetly and requested for me to stay and work things through, despite how hard it is. I couldn't end things but when I got teary and described how tired I am, the therapist recommended taking a break for a month. Contact is optional but not required...A asked for being able to talk 2-3 times during that month. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be able to actually not talk a lot more than that for that long...crying here, actually sobbing my guts out...realizing that there is a hell of lot of control I have to let go of to allow this to happen. I did ask that A not expect me to call or to follow up on calls, because I wanted to trust they could take care of themselves, release myself from that. The therapist encouraged us to stay in the process because we're also both dealing with our wounded inner selves and this is an opportunity to grow. I agree to some extent, and the other part of me was thinking, "WTF, is that alcohol I smell??!!" Yeah, seriously. Might have been last night's leftovers, but still...I honestly didn't even bring it up, I was so reeling with my own feelings and feared the landmines. And honestly, part of me wonders if it's even really about the alcohol at all--it's about the behaviors, one of which is drinking alcohol. I have to focus on what really matters, and what matters is how I feel about myself. And it's not overly good right now.
I'm painfully, painfully aware of my desire to hang onto control. That, and I'm petrified of making a mistake, of letting this relationship go in case it's actually "good" for me on some levels. What if I have regrets?!!! Then I re-read what I've posted here and I realize the perfectionist is alive and well, too...definitely working the codie stuff to a major extent right now.
I don't know how I'm going to do this. Panicking a little bit. Part of me wants to call my A right now, re-engage and pretend everything is okay for now, celebrate that amazing insight, some bullsh*t like that. It's easy to think that would make me feel better right now, and probably would, for about an hour. I have a meeting tonight and would appreciate your prayers/thoughts/wishes/insights for strength. Especially since I'm completely talking myself out of having made this decision. If I can just get through this pain I know I'll feel better in the long run...right?
pp
I'm painfully, painfully aware of my desire to hang onto control. That, and I'm petrified of making a mistake, of letting this relationship go in case it's actually "good" for me on some levels. What if I have regrets?!!! Then I re-read what I've posted here and I realize the perfectionist is alive and well, too...definitely working the codie stuff to a major extent right now.
I don't know how I'm going to do this. Panicking a little bit. Part of me wants to call my A right now, re-engage and pretend everything is okay for now, celebrate that amazing insight, some bullsh*t like that. It's easy to think that would make me feel better right now, and probably would, for about an hour. I have a meeting tonight and would appreciate your prayers/thoughts/wishes/insights for strength. Especially since I'm completely talking myself out of having made this decision. If I can just get through this pain I know I'll feel better in the long run...right?
pp
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Please try to remember that discomfort never killed anybody. It sucks rocks but you can live through it.
The way to "get through this" is one day at a time. One hour or one minute at a time if need be.
I would encourage you to listen to your instincts; you seem to want to cut contact with your A and you seem to be forcing yourself to agree to his terms. There's no rule out there that says you need to do this. If you need NC, then go NC.
If this relationship is somehow "good for you", if it is truly meant to be, then what's one month of no contact in the grand scheme of things?
When considering leaving my XAH, I also feared trying out separation, because deep down, I feared that once I got used to the change, I'd *like* it and not want to go back. Once that happened, the hard part was being honest with XAH about how I felt. I only managed to squeak a little "I don't want to do this anymore", but once I did, XAH slammed proverbial door on our marriage and that was that.
The way to "get through this" is one day at a time. One hour or one minute at a time if need be.
I would encourage you to listen to your instincts; you seem to want to cut contact with your A and you seem to be forcing yourself to agree to his terms. There's no rule out there that says you need to do this. If you need NC, then go NC.
If this relationship is somehow "good for you", if it is truly meant to be, then what's one month of no contact in the grand scheme of things?
When considering leaving my XAH, I also feared trying out separation, because deep down, I feared that once I got used to the change, I'd *like* it and not want to go back. Once that happened, the hard part was being honest with XAH about how I felt. I only managed to squeak a little "I don't want to do this anymore", but once I did, XAH slammed proverbial door on our marriage and that was that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
wow, heavy duty day for you.
while reading your update, this came to my mind:
your A requested that you try and work through your problems. all i keep thinking is,
"but you are an alcoholic, AND YOU KNOW IT" he has been to AA, he worked a program for a time, albeit not a good one (he said). so HE KNOWS. and he knows the difference (working a good vs. a bad prog.) so what is all the bs about being a social drinker and cutting back? it's like saying you have decided to be a little pregnant!
this is the most glaring, no-win situation you're facing, imo.
also let me comment on this statement:
Contact is optional but not required...A asked for being able to talk 2-3 times during that month. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be able to actually not talk a lot more than that for that long
posie, you don't mean you don't know if you're "strong" enough. YOU ARE!
what you mean is you don't know if you'll want to.
addicts do recover. i know more than one person who has been sober for over 30 years. it's beautiful. the prob, as i see it, is he doesn't wish to.
keep walking along. you will get to where you need to go.
while reading your update, this came to my mind:
your A requested that you try and work through your problems. all i keep thinking is,
"but you are an alcoholic, AND YOU KNOW IT" he has been to AA, he worked a program for a time, albeit not a good one (he said). so HE KNOWS. and he knows the difference (working a good vs. a bad prog.) so what is all the bs about being a social drinker and cutting back? it's like saying you have decided to be a little pregnant!
this is the most glaring, no-win situation you're facing, imo.
also let me comment on this statement:
Contact is optional but not required...A asked for being able to talk 2-3 times during that month. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be able to actually not talk a lot more than that for that long
posie, you don't mean you don't know if you're "strong" enough. YOU ARE!
what you mean is you don't know if you'll want to.
addicts do recover. i know more than one person who has been sober for over 30 years. it's beautiful. the prob, as i see it, is he doesn't wish to.
keep walking along. you will get to where you need to go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thank you noday, thank you coffee. Your words are literally helping me to not pick up the phone and call A, because I know you're right.
Yes, there's a problem here, there is still drinking going on. Again, I don't think it's the alcohol inasmuch as the behaviors, one of which being the drinking. Either way, it's the same result: unavailability. It just seems like with all the "insights" and all, I so desperately, desperately want to believe that there has been a change. Oh, I know it's ridiculous, but I still feel this tremendous pull to believe it. I can't believe the intensity of the pain. I've boxed up some things to keep them out of my sight--the blatant reminders that feel like a "zap" of pain, like an electrical current, when I see them. You know, the Valentine's Day card, the gifts. Ugh.
I want to believe I'm strong enough to resist picking up that phone. I don't know how I'm going to do this. In fact the counselor suggested the month as NC, and to come back in a month to the office. I couldn't commit to that, said I'd like to have some options open for contact if we wanted...so I opened that door after feeling the pain and fear settling in. That's when A said 2 or 3 contacts during that month...and I agreed so long as there was no expectation that I call back/reciprocate. I know that's passive, I know I'll be tempted to call back, but it's what I could do in the moment. And already, I feel wobbly about it, wondering if I can refrain from derailing my own efforts to make a healthy choice about my life. I still wonder if I'm passing up the opportunity to learn something else about myself in this relationship, though noday it makes sense that if that's the case it can all wait a month. It feels so crazy to see the evidence of the dysfunction and still have this incredibly intense heartache. This just might be the hardest thing I've ever done.
pp
Yes, there's a problem here, there is still drinking going on. Again, I don't think it's the alcohol inasmuch as the behaviors, one of which being the drinking. Either way, it's the same result: unavailability. It just seems like with all the "insights" and all, I so desperately, desperately want to believe that there has been a change. Oh, I know it's ridiculous, but I still feel this tremendous pull to believe it. I can't believe the intensity of the pain. I've boxed up some things to keep them out of my sight--the blatant reminders that feel like a "zap" of pain, like an electrical current, when I see them. You know, the Valentine's Day card, the gifts. Ugh.
I want to believe I'm strong enough to resist picking up that phone. I don't know how I'm going to do this. In fact the counselor suggested the month as NC, and to come back in a month to the office. I couldn't commit to that, said I'd like to have some options open for contact if we wanted...so I opened that door after feeling the pain and fear settling in. That's when A said 2 or 3 contacts during that month...and I agreed so long as there was no expectation that I call back/reciprocate. I know that's passive, I know I'll be tempted to call back, but it's what I could do in the moment. And already, I feel wobbly about it, wondering if I can refrain from derailing my own efforts to make a healthy choice about my life. I still wonder if I'm passing up the opportunity to learn something else about myself in this relationship, though noday it makes sense that if that's the case it can all wait a month. It feels so crazy to see the evidence of the dysfunction and still have this incredibly intense heartache. This just might be the hardest thing I've ever done.
pp
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