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Codependant No More STUDY- Session 1: Preface & Introduction Discussion



Codependant No More STUDY- Session 1: Preface & Introduction Discussion

Old 03-04-2010, 03:34 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Hi All. I am 45 and have just separated from my AP.
I devoured Codie No More and could relate to all 4 of my significant intimate relationships.

My first husband I met when 15 and was married until 35. We have 3 children together. I haven't ever been able to identify what went wrong until I read Codie No More. He was sweet but hopeless and NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDed me to take responsiblity for family decisions, parenting, where we would live, when to have kids, the bookwork, running the house Poor man I dont know how he would have survived without me. OMG the poor bloke. I ended up burnt out, felt unsupported and lost.


After my marriage I chose a man who in retrospect was an alcoholic but I ended it after 3 years after he sexually assulted one of my children. I cared for him as I did my husband. Did the lot cos he couldn't / wouldn't.

His replacement on the rebound was a verbally abusive man with 4 kids who needed a mummy. That lasted 6 months.

I stayed single for 2-3 years to find myself and consciously went into a relationship thinking I had healed my wounds. We were together 2 1/2 rollercoaster years. I rescued him as he rebounded form a 30 something year marriage, bankcrupt, no place to live sob sob

I have paid mens bills, cleared out their homes for them when they leaft their exes. done their bookwork and taxes, cooked cleaned and cared for their kids, loved their families, put new engines in their car, refinanced my home to help them in business, worked and studied and run the homes.

So I have had a pattern of choosing men who want a caretaker. I am a nurse/midwife, caring for others is my career too.

I knew I was a giver but never realised the extent of my problem/ pattern. The understanding of codependence is a relief and an exciting revelation to me.
Lots of work, lifelong i believe in creating healthier new ways to relate.
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Old 03-04-2010, 04:58 AM
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Gold, thanks for that. :-)
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Old 03-04-2010, 09:12 AM
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LS2 & Alizerin - I'm an interpreter! LOL!
Alizerin - are you going to learn ASL? LS2 - do you sign?
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Old 03-04-2010, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker View Post
LS2 & Alizerin - I'm an interpreter! LOL!
Alizerin - are you going to learn ASL? LS2 - do you sign?
Yes I do sign! but I honestly am horrible, I can read signs better than I can sign myself. Thats awesome! Do you enjoy it? I don't think I could do it because I am so afraid of poeple looking at me!
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Old 03-04-2010, 02:26 PM
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This is a big question. Off topic too - But that's okay.

No - After careful consideration I am not going this route. A big part of this is because ASL is pretty deaf community based. Now, this would not be a bad thing. As a matter of fact, I would strongly suggest a mother get involved in it pronto. I've also looked into other avenues such as cued speech. It's not widely used yet.

The main issue is that he's globally developmentally delayed (mental retardation). There arn't enough numbers of children like him in the deaf community. So, a lot of his caretaking and what have you will be in the hearing world.

Now, he has hearing aids (what a pain in the @SS they are). We don't know how well he hears. He isn't talking yet but responds to sounds. What he hear could be equivalent to trying to listen to people talk under water. No way of knowing yet.

So, we are going the route of Total Verbal. Ever so slowly.
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Old 03-04-2010, 02:59 PM
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I'll reply in PM's so as not to co-op the thread anymore!
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Old 06-19-2010, 10:44 AM
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I see no one has posted in this sticky for a while, and as a new admitted member who is codependent, I thought I would admit my story as I imagine it will only help.

Looking back on my life and letting myself remember has been the most overwhelming for me.

My mother was addicted to sleeping pills and diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder. I don't think I became fully aware of it, until I was in the 5th grade. I remember her falling asleep at breakfast one morning, where she just fell right into her plate of eggs. At the time it was funny, but I could see the look of despair on my dad's face. We were a family of four. Three boys, my dad and my mom. That morning it took all four of us to get her to bed. My mom was heavy set at the time and it was all we could do to make sure she did not hurt herself.

Looking back on the events of my childhood I can see where my dad was codependent. He would always make excuses for mom, with her work and with her friends. We had a so called family friend that would come out and help from time to time, but I realize that he really was no friend, he was having an affair with my mom, and I don't know for exactly how long. My dad turned a blind eye to it, and I suffered as a result.

My brothers hated my mom's addiction, where I was the one that was always worried. I would sit by her bedside sometimes just to see if she was breathing. My mom tried to commit suicide several times during my childhood, not going far enough each time. When I was 21, I came home from school and saw my younger brother running across our meadow (we lived on a farm). I pulled out into the meadow and met him before he got to the road. I asked what he was doing, and his words to me were "she finally did it". My mom committed suicide and he found her. My world came crashing down that day. I had to call my dad at work and he lost it ofcourse. Soon after my mom died, my dad became ill.

I used to think my dad lost the will to live after mom, and maybe this is so, but it could have been that he had invested so much of himself and her addiction that once she died, he died too. My brothers and I had a falling out soon after and I moved with my dad to another town. My dad became invalid, and I became his caretaker. I never asked for help with my father, and I did all of it on my own. I should have asked for help, but realize now the codpendent nature of my ways. My father and I lived together for approximately 4 years, and died in 1991. He was a shell of who he trully was, and it was a terrible thing to watch and experience. I have some things that I need to work out there still, like what ifs.

I am in the business of working with kids with a variety of disabilities in their families. I use to think that I was good at it, because I had so much experience taking care of others. I am good at it, because I am a codependent. I do have to give myself some sort of credit, I can usually get through to a kid when no one else seems to be able too.

The longest relationship I have ever had, was 2 years, and the most recent. The ones prior to that were 3 months or less. I always thought I was just not good at it, when in reality it was my way of thinking that destroyed them all.

I have much more introspection to do of myself, mainly to actually be honest with myself and let the feelings of my childhood and the memories come to the surface. It is scary, but at the same time uplifting, as I feel the pressure of holding this inside for so long, finally lift off my shoulders.

I will continue to work in my chosen field, and work on knowing when I am being obtrusive in others lives. I will be walking a thin line between my character defects and doing what is right. I am looking forward to the challenge. I thank my HP for bringing my XAGF into my life, so that I may better mine.
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Old 06-19-2010, 11:32 AM
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I love this thread, I really do. I am so happy to be part of this fellowship.
My story is familiar but I will repeat it because its who I am.
I was born in Europe. My father came to the US when I was 4 to make money before my mom and I came over. The reason I bring this up is one of my earliest memories which had to before the age of 4 is looking at my father and feeling he wasnt being himself and trying to figure out what was wrong. Now I know it was my first experience in realizing he was an alcoholic. I just didnt know it at the time.
I came here when I was 6 and couldnt wait to see my dad! I thought all of the US looked like Florida so I was a bit disappointed there were no palm trees when I arrived!
By the time we arrived my father was beyond an alcoholic. He had himself a great time here without my mom. I have very little memory of my mother when I was young. I think the woman blended into the wall. I think she did what she could to get though his violent alcoholic rages. She was never a mother though. I never remember her teaching me anything or even being around. When I was 11, my sister was born and my mother got a job working 4pm-midnight. Very convenient for her. An aunt came to live with us to help out with the newborn and I was on my own with my drunk dad. So I became the girl who spent as much time at school with activities or at friend's houses as much as possible. I remember I was a happy kid and just tried to ignore what was happening at home.
I grew up saying I would never marry an alcoholic. I was adamant and thought I was so strong and knew everything there was to know about life. Right. LOL.
I married the nicest alcoholic. Well when I met him he was. He was in his beginning stages so still functional. I knew he liked to drink but he was opposite of my dad. He was kind, generous, loving when he drank. I never received this as a kid and he only drank on the weekends and sometimes during the week at home but when I turned 30 am wasnt married...He became the one. I have to admit he was addicted to me and I to him. He loved my victim role although back then I never realized I considered myself a victim. Looking back now, wow. I had no idea.
So he was an accountant and educated, kind loving and actually loved me!! I was thrilled someone loved me. We had a big old grand wedding. Huge. All the works.
Guess what happened next? We are getting divorced.
We were together for 8 years and only married for 3 years. During that time I managed to die inside. I became the robot he wanted me to become. I dressed in the clothes he wanted me to dress in, I lost weight for him, I did my hair the way he wanted it and he very conivingly (sp) learned how to put me down a little without making it seem like he did? He would say things like..You're wearing that? I now know its because of his very very low self esteem. The man went food shopping at 7am on a Saturday looking like he stepped out of a magazine. I went food shopping in my sweats, hat and a cup of coffee in my hand and he looked at me like I was nuts. Everything about his image had to be perfect and so I adapted that lifestyle. I had a 2 karat rock on my finger and more diamond jewelry from him than I can imagine. But you know he never bought it for me. He brought it so others can see how good he was to me. He would conveniently drop hints how he got me this etc. Well everyone just thought I had the nicest guy. I was miserable. Then I thought...a baby will fix everything! Its ok, breathe we never had a baby by the sheer will of a smart God.
I got put down a lot. Then he would tell me how I was never happy no matter what he did and that was my issue. And to an extent, he was right. I wasnt happy with the alcoholism. I wasnt happy with a marriage with no intimacy. I wasnt happy with me.
Then fate took over. My stbxah was involved with a major fraud crime at his job. The FBI got involved, he almost went to jail and vowed to change his life because all of a sudden the fraud was blamed on his alcohol issue. I know better now. At the time I was so happy he went into a partial in patient rehab and I went to family night weekly. I was on automatic pilot. He seemed to be doing better but I was bloody angry and mad. He couldnt understand why I was. All the while I wanted to keep up appearances and didnt want the marriage to end no matter what it took. I hung on for dear life to my marriage. I mean he loved me! I never really stopped to ask if I loved him. I still dont know the answer to that. But I know I was addicted to his abuse towards me. He claimed he said those things to help me be better and hapier. I accepted that at the time. I told myself he was being helpful. Ignoring the tone he used when he said things. We slept in separate bedrooms the last year of our marriage. He relapsed. I kicked him out and still I hung on to this married for dear life. I was nasty to him and put him through the wringer. I showed him! lol. Once he got tired of this, he moved onto another victim. I was devasted. But ok with this now. Its not me. I didnt cause it, cant cure or control it. I found alanon. Now I sit here trying to figure out who I am. Its scary to face oneself. I am trying to forgive myself and him. I have no contact now because he is my drug so one slip and I know I can be right back there. So I had to detach in the only way I could at the time. And yes everyone, last we spoke, he still put me down and told me how it was my fault..I didnt have the right to be angry with him. My anger made him drink, we werent right for each other or sometimes he would try the I was a horrible husband to you to gain my sympathy. It usually worked. I fell for all his cr-p. He dished and I took it and he knew I would. I found alanon but I need to take it more seriously. I have some social anxiety so its hard for me to go to the meetings regularly but I am going tonight. I need to feel better. And to work this program.
So that is my story in a nutshell.
Thanks for listening..
Hugs
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Old 06-19-2010, 11:37 AM
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I too have just read Melody's book. If you can find the audio book at your local library, it is truly awesome. It's great for listening to alone in your car, inspiration during rush hour traffic!

I grew up in an alcoholic family and have had a string of dysfunctional relationships throughout my life. I am now committed to feeling better about myself by thoughtful introspection, ridding myself of toxic relationships and learning how to love myself.
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Old 01-02-2011, 06:43 PM
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Hi,
Starting reading (listening on IPOD) Codependent No More. I've made a decision to start getting better around the 2010 holidays when my life became unmanageable. I was married to 2 alcoholics, the latter one died 10 yrs ago and I was left with 3 teenage children. After transferring my control to my teenage children's lives, I spent 10 yrs on a roller coaster ride never realizing I needed to get off!
I am relieved to finally read something that nails who I am and makes sense of why this all happened. I thought I was nuts. I look forward to getting better with this group. I've never seen so much healthy insight as I have found here...Thanks to however started this up.
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Old 01-10-2011, 06:19 PM
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Hi Everyone,
I too began reading CoDependent No More (well, actually listening to it on my ipod) on my way to work.
I keep re-listening to it b/c it makes me think different. It's a little depressing to hear all the character defects I have, but at the same time, uplifting. I'm beginning to think hopeless is turning into powerlessness, which is good.
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:22 AM
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I'm in on this thread.

I had to put the book away for a few days. It seems like a bottomless pit right now and I'm having a hard time digesting the vagueness of it all. What do I mean?

It ain't Black. It ain't White. It's Gray but Gray has both Black and White so it's all 3. Make sense? Hell no.

Maybe I'll push through a few more chapters this week.
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Old 01-11-2011, 04:08 PM
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What a wonderful thread! And how interesting it is to see how we developed into the people we are! I see so many similarities in myself and many of you, and I appreciate the opportunity to tell my "story."

My mother is the child of an abusive alcoholic, and she grew up in a very poor environment. She developed a deep insecurity as a result. My father comes from a stoic German family with so many kids there was no way any of them could get individualized attention and love.

I was conceived before marriage, but this is a "secret" that continues to be hidden from me to this day. I was lied to about this as a child to "protect" me, even though I knew the truth.

I became my insecure mother's entire life. She was determined for me to be perfect so that she would be valued and accepted by my dad and his family. At the same time, she withdrew from her own family because she didn't want me exposed to her father's alcoholism. We lost contact with those relatives (and I lost my grandparents) under the guise of "protecting" me.

Because of their upbringing, my parents are not demonstrative with affection, and it took almost 40 years of my life before either of them were able to tell me they loved me, although I always knew they did. Hugs are still uncomfortable.

Because of my upbringing, I have spent most of my life trying to be perfect and do the right things. This led me to an impressive career simply to make my mother happy, even though I've always hated it. I am financially secure. I have a lovely home. I am attractive. Everything looks "perfect" like she always wanted, except...

...my relationships with men. This is the only area my mother has been unable to control, although she still tries, desperately. I married a man who swept me off my feet with attention and love--the love I never experienced at home. I honestly never knew HOW to be affectionate until he showed me. He always had a controlling streak, however, which appalled my mother from the start. He also drank more than I liked, and I tried everything to get him to stop. Over time, I became totally immersed in him, and let friends and activities that I used to enjoy go so I could focus on him and making him happy. Now, he is exhibiting signs of active alcoholism, and he is no longer able to cut down on the drinking like he did in the past when I harassed him. I recently asked him to leave because I could not deal with the alcoholism and his behavior any longer.

It was only when he left that I could see myself and what I had been doing. Oh, the denial!! So, I've been spending this time learning about codependency and alcoholism, and working on myself. I almost think I have replaced my obsessive focus on him with fixing me! This book is one that I have been reading...often. Did I mention an obsessive focus on things?? HA.

Thanks for reading!
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:43 PM
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I am really looking forward to getting a copyof this book. I hope I can track down a copy soon.
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Old 11-13-2012, 07:39 AM
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I don't know why this thread popped up when it did, but I needed this. I just downloaded the audiobook and I've been listening to it at the office while I do my work. It's like a breath of fresh air.
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Old 11-13-2012, 05:25 PM
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its funny, just recieved the NEW Co dependent no more from my 10 year old daughter...i am re-reading this...(on my 3rd time), i am always reading and seeing something new in my AH HA book...

someone just asked why do we always go back to the As in our lives...its because we are Co dependent...until we can admit it...and do something about it...its my recovery every single day....

glad this was bumped
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