Codependant No More STUDY- Session 1: Preface & Introduction Discussion
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I agree with what JenT1968 said:
I do my best to remind myself that ALL the descriptions of CoDependency in ANY book are CHOICES. Lots of them just old, bad habits.
it can be all too easy to focus in on the "what's wrong with me" aspect
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with
For me it's the MIDDLE road somewhere. I guess. There's a time for everything depending on motives? I'm a advocate for foster kids. I've had to go into court and argue against parents, foster parents, and the department of social services. So. All the traits above are EXCELLENT for advocacy work. ;-) Noyt so much for a love life tho.
Isn't it funny, the whole advocacy thing. It's CODIE isn't it!! But, not a bad thing.
For me it's the MIDDLE road somewhere. I guess. There's a time for everything depending on motives? I'm a advocate for foster kids. I've had to go into court and argue against parents, foster parents, and the department of social services. So. All the traits above are EXCELLENT for advocacy work. ;-) Noyt so much for a love life tho.
Isn't it funny, the whole advocacy thing. It's CODIE isn't it!! But, not a bad thing.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I've read this book at least three times in the past 2 years. While it has lost a lot of its initial 'OMG!!!!!' impact, it still manages to pack an emotional punch for me. Every time I read it, I always find something new that resonates with me at that moment in time.
A little backgrouod : I'm well over a year seperated and am finally divorced from XAH. We were together 18 years and he was very controlling and finally became more and more verbally and emotionally abusive as the years went on.
I identify with most of what is written in the introduction but these phrases resonate with me right now.
'experts at taking care of everyone around them, yet these women doubted their ability to take care of themselves'
I'm still unsure of so much. I'm doubting my ability to look after myself very strongly right now, despite living on my own for a year and a half. I know I need to start budgeting and taking a long hard look at my finances since moving into my own place but I'm seriously scared to! My mortgage is cheaper than what I was paying in 'our' place, along with all the other bills that I met on my own for over a year. I ought to be OK with doing this but the fear hits me every time!
'had such great insights into others couldn't see themselves'
I'm feeling very disconnected to my own emotions - I think more than feel sometimes and then my emotions catch up with me and hammer me when I least expect it. I spent a lot of my childhood partitioning myself off from 'inappropriate' emotions and hiding in my room with a book. I've almost always buried them and have no real idea how to handle them when they do surface strongly. And yes, I'm generally talking about those 'negative' emotions here! Though opening up about almost anything can be difficult for me, even here.
'people who thought they were going crazy becasue they had believed so many lies they didn't know what reality was'
After the years of crazymaking with XAH, I still worry if I'm seeing/feeling/living what's 'real'. I can only work on what is right for me I guess. Normality is something I've discarded as being an impossible superficial dream.
I do like Melody's writing style: simple, friendly and written from personal experience. Its like sitting on the sofa with a coffe having a heart to heart with someone who's been there, see it done it and bought the T shirt - while talking about the most heart and gut wrenching experiences.
A little backgrouod : I'm well over a year seperated and am finally divorced from XAH. We were together 18 years and he was very controlling and finally became more and more verbally and emotionally abusive as the years went on.
I identify with most of what is written in the introduction but these phrases resonate with me right now.
'experts at taking care of everyone around them, yet these women doubted their ability to take care of themselves'
I'm still unsure of so much. I'm doubting my ability to look after myself very strongly right now, despite living on my own for a year and a half. I know I need to start budgeting and taking a long hard look at my finances since moving into my own place but I'm seriously scared to! My mortgage is cheaper than what I was paying in 'our' place, along with all the other bills that I met on my own for over a year. I ought to be OK with doing this but the fear hits me every time!
'had such great insights into others couldn't see themselves'
I'm feeling very disconnected to my own emotions - I think more than feel sometimes and then my emotions catch up with me and hammer me when I least expect it. I spent a lot of my childhood partitioning myself off from 'inappropriate' emotions and hiding in my room with a book. I've almost always buried them and have no real idea how to handle them when they do surface strongly. And yes, I'm generally talking about those 'negative' emotions here! Though opening up about almost anything can be difficult for me, even here.
'people who thought they were going crazy becasue they had believed so many lies they didn't know what reality was'
After the years of crazymaking with XAH, I still worry if I'm seeing/feeling/living what's 'real'. I can only work on what is right for me I guess. Normality is something I've discarded as being an impossible superficial dream.
I do like Melody's writing style: simple, friendly and written from personal experience. Its like sitting on the sofa with a coffe having a heart to heart with someone who's been there, see it done it and bought the T shirt - while talking about the most heart and gut wrenching experiences.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I spent a lot of my childhood ... hiding in my room with a book
And now that I am in my forties, in my room with a book is a big part of how I find my peace and serenity. Some would likely say I live a boring life but I love it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello everyone, my name is.....
Beth and I am an adult child of an alcoholic, a recovering alcoholic and have just figured out, codependent.
I am the oldest of four children. My father was an alcoholic infantry officer and my mother was a depressive.
Very early in life, I got the idea that if I was a "good" girl, somehow my father would stop drinking and my mother would get happy. Instead, I became an alcoholic depressive perfectionist. I doubt that surprises anyone here! LOL
Been married twice, once to an controlling manipulative man who didn't like women very much, and next to an alcoholic soldier.
I started drinking seriously when I was 16, and didn't stop for 20 years.
My first marriage ended, I lost custody of my son, married an alcoholic soldier and was stationed in Italy for 3 years. Drank myself stupid for a long time.
Second husband and I came back to the states when he was told not to re-enlist because of an alcohol related incident. Had to live with his mother, but I did see my oldest son during the summer and that was great. Cut back a little, but still ruining my life and trying to control addicted husband, who had now graduated to crack.
Now, I got that husband was not going to support me, (what a crock) and decided to join the Army myself. Ten years older than the other recruits, I had a hard time physically during basic training, but if they thought they could scare me into crying or breaking down, they were mistaken. I would rather eat glass than cry in front of anyone, especially a military authority figure.
I had been trained since kindergarten that weeping is not allowed.
During my active duty to second husband, we had two children, a boy and girl, boy in 1990 and girl in 1992. Only stopped drinking during pregnancy and nursing, then right back to it. We went from Georgia to Germany, carrying much more than household baggage, much more pain and sadness.
Finally, an incident in our on base apartment caused the mp's to be called. Since i was the soldier I was taken out of the apartment and to the hospital to be blood tested. Well, I was perfectly polite and in control at the hospital and with the mp's but my BAC was .27% They did not know what to do with me! They didn't hospitalize me, but sent me to alcohol assessment. For the first time in my life I decided to tell the truth about my consumption. I was 36 years old and still drinking myself into blackout every other night.
Then, the best thing in the world happened to me. I was sent to six weeks in-patient treatment. I finally got the idea that I didn't have to live like this any more. Jumped in with both feet to recovery and have been sober since then. August 18, 1996.
The husband came in the last two weeks for family member therapy, he admitted he was addicted and went thru the six week program. I discovered then how happy I could be without him, and that scared me. LOL So, he went right back to drinking within two weeks of graduating. Our marriage took a distinct turn down because we were on two completely different paths. He cheated several times, and did many things to try and get me to drink again. Nope.
Okay, there is ten more years after this, but I think that is enough for now.
Thank you for reading,
Your sister in recovery,
Beth
I am the oldest of four children. My father was an alcoholic infantry officer and my mother was a depressive.
Very early in life, I got the idea that if I was a "good" girl, somehow my father would stop drinking and my mother would get happy. Instead, I became an alcoholic depressive perfectionist. I doubt that surprises anyone here! LOL
Been married twice, once to an controlling manipulative man who didn't like women very much, and next to an alcoholic soldier.
I started drinking seriously when I was 16, and didn't stop for 20 years.
My first marriage ended, I lost custody of my son, married an alcoholic soldier and was stationed in Italy for 3 years. Drank myself stupid for a long time.
Second husband and I came back to the states when he was told not to re-enlist because of an alcohol related incident. Had to live with his mother, but I did see my oldest son during the summer and that was great. Cut back a little, but still ruining my life and trying to control addicted husband, who had now graduated to crack.
Now, I got that husband was not going to support me, (what a crock) and decided to join the Army myself. Ten years older than the other recruits, I had a hard time physically during basic training, but if they thought they could scare me into crying or breaking down, they were mistaken. I would rather eat glass than cry in front of anyone, especially a military authority figure.
I had been trained since kindergarten that weeping is not allowed.
During my active duty to second husband, we had two children, a boy and girl, boy in 1990 and girl in 1992. Only stopped drinking during pregnancy and nursing, then right back to it. We went from Georgia to Germany, carrying much more than household baggage, much more pain and sadness.
Finally, an incident in our on base apartment caused the mp's to be called. Since i was the soldier I was taken out of the apartment and to the hospital to be blood tested. Well, I was perfectly polite and in control at the hospital and with the mp's but my BAC was .27% They did not know what to do with me! They didn't hospitalize me, but sent me to alcohol assessment. For the first time in my life I decided to tell the truth about my consumption. I was 36 years old and still drinking myself into blackout every other night.
Then, the best thing in the world happened to me. I was sent to six weeks in-patient treatment. I finally got the idea that I didn't have to live like this any more. Jumped in with both feet to recovery and have been sober since then. August 18, 1996.
The husband came in the last two weeks for family member therapy, he admitted he was addicted and went thru the six week program. I discovered then how happy I could be without him, and that scared me. LOL So, he went right back to drinking within two weeks of graduating. Our marriage took a distinct turn down because we were on two completely different paths. He cheated several times, and did many things to try and get me to drink again. Nope.
Okay, there is ten more years after this, but I think that is enough for now.
Thank you for reading,
Your sister in recovery,
Beth
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hey, on a kinda lighter note.
I can't listen to ANY love songs without thinking the person wrote it has serious codependancy issues. :-o That's not too good either. Middle way - need to find the middle way.
I'm still listening to dance music to try and keep my head a little more upbeat. There's this song that comes on and the chorus is: "Let me be your Fred Flinstone and bedrock you". <--- Not codependant - just really, really, LAME ;-)
I can't listen to ANY love songs without thinking the person wrote it has serious codependancy issues. :-o That's not too good either. Middle way - need to find the middle way.
I'm still listening to dance music to try and keep my head a little more upbeat. There's this song that comes on and the chorus is: "Let me be your Fred Flinstone and bedrock you". <--- Not codependant - just really, really, LAME ;-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
"Let me be your Fred Flinstone and bedrock you". <--- Not codependant - just really, really, LAME ;-)
My 17 year old daughter likes this kind of music. She puts it on when we are in the car together, going to Juvenile Drug Court, counseling, urinalysis.
Let me make your bed rock! Uh okay.
But since I listen to alternative, there are a lot of songs that are definitely codie.
I like the loud bass driven angry young man songs. LOL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Struggling Mom
Not quite sure if I am doing this right so lets see... I have a 19 yr old that I kicked out of my house almost two weeks ago. hardest thing I have ever had to do!! Quick history he admitted himself into a residential treatment center in November 09 and was there for 6 weeks. he was there for pretty much everything from heroin, oxy to huffing carb cleaner.. Once he got out he started an IOP, which he was kicked out of for relapsing from huffing. He did start into another IOP and was doing great!! Within the past month his attitude went from wonderful to awful, we found out he had started up smoking spice.. It's legal mom, it's ok!! About a week after we found out about the spice we found out he relapsed again with oxy (2x) of course it's prob more... Anyways once we found out about this relapse we kicked him out. I still talk to him almost every day, but I am going crazy.. Cant let go!! Want to call him and check on him constantly UGH.. This is awful!! I feel so strong, yet so weak!! I need advice BAD!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome, enodm!
Tell you what - why not copy your post and post it in the general (friends and family) forum and people can respond to you directly?
You are struggling with some TOUGH STUFF!
I feel you.
I look forward to your repost - you will get a lot of support!
Tell you what - why not copy your post and post it in the general (friends and family) forum and people can respond to you directly?
You are struggling with some TOUGH STUFF!
I feel you.
I look forward to your repost - you will get a lot of support!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Maui, HI
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
I
'had such great insights into others couldn't see themselves'
I'm feeling very disconnected to my own emotions - I think more than feel sometimes and then my emotions catch up with me and hammer me when I least expect it. I spent a lot of my childhood partitioning myself off from 'inappropriate' emotions and hiding in my room with a book. I've almost always buried them and have no real idea how to handle them when they do surface strongly. And yes, I'm generally talking about those 'negative' emotions here! Though opening up about almost anything can be difficult for me, even here.
'had such great insights into others couldn't see themselves'
I'm feeling very disconnected to my own emotions - I think more than feel sometimes and then my emotions catch up with me and hammer me when I least expect it. I spent a lot of my childhood partitioning myself off from 'inappropriate' emotions and hiding in my room with a book. I've almost always buried them and have no real idea how to handle them when they do surface strongly. And yes, I'm generally talking about those 'negative' emotions here! Though opening up about almost anything can be difficult for me, even here.
And that scared me so I retreated for awhile, and then committed a really bad controlling act on my H and caused much damage. That was last week. A few days later I found this book. I do not EVER want to do anything like what I did to my H to anybody EVER AGAIN. I want to own my stuff and let everyone else own theirs. I want to be free from the obsessively watching people to gauge their temperment. To control people and situations in an effort to reduce my own fears. I WANT PEACE.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hey Maui,
Another one ripe for change! Turmoil, It seems for me at least, the perfect emotion for kicking this things butt. It doesn't seem to be useful for anything else. Maybe that's why we feel it? To instigate change.
Another one ripe for change! Turmoil, It seems for me at least, the perfect emotion for kicking this things butt. It doesn't seem to be useful for anything else. Maybe that's why we feel it? To instigate change.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 37
As a kid I remember I felt responsible for other people's feelings, if they were upset I felt compelled to comfort them. I became very sensitive to being able to walk into a room and 'feel' the atmosphere, if there was tension again I felt compelled to fix it, either by giving hugs or trying to be funny.
Whenever mum had a new guy my role as rescuer wasn't needed anymore therefore I became the scapegoat, but when the guy was out the picture i was back being the rescuer.
Growing up I was like a chamelion (sp?) I was whatever you wanted me to be because i needed you to like me, and I was the one my friends came to when in need because I needed to be needed, so I was shocked when I first came across CNM and realized I was being manipulative and controlling, who me??! But im just a nice person?! yep and the rest
Alanon was there for me last year when I was broken and is slowly helping put me back together again bit by bit, better and stronger and im so glad to have found this forum for the wisdom, insight and love that is so freely given.
Whenever mum had a new guy my role as rescuer wasn't needed anymore therefore I became the scapegoat, but when the guy was out the picture i was back being the rescuer.
Growing up I was like a chamelion (sp?) I was whatever you wanted me to be because i needed you to like me, and I was the one my friends came to when in need because I needed to be needed, so I was shocked when I first came across CNM and realized I was being manipulative and controlling, who me??! But im just a nice person?! yep and the rest
Alanon was there for me last year when I was broken and is slowly helping put me back together again bit by bit, better and stronger and im so glad to have found this forum for the wisdom, insight and love that is so freely given.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
FYI - I'm a dork. Umm. I work from home, various days. So, I have NO idea what day it is sometimes. Anyway I said Wendsday for chapter 1? I was thinking tomorrow Morning I'll make my post.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
I must have the oldest book, lol O well its from the school library, since it doesn't have an intro just goes strait into "Jessica's story" Which I have just started this book today and her story decribes my life as it is today and everything she says, are the same feelings I am having! I had to read her story twice because I just couldn't believe it.
I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents, they did a great job raising us, they are deaf and they did there best to raise us. My dad's dad was an alcoholic and died from chirrosis (sp?)
What Kristy described was exactly how I remember my childhood and How I had the need for everyone to like me, I thought I was just shy, which yes I am but I think I am painfully shy because I don't want to ever say anything to hurt someone or to think bad thoughts of me etc.
So, I had my fair share of addictions-age 15 to 20 I had bulimia, didn't take my insulin to loose weight. In and out of treatment centers-I think I hit up each one in the twin cities, became committed to the state...while in a DBT group home I found my finace, ran away from my group home and he ran away from his half way house...hmmm. I never saw this as red flags, I was 19, we ran off together.
Well now, we have 2 small children ages 2 and 3...I gave up my drinking and my eating disorder when I found out I was pregnant...and haven't looked back...except for the few times where I think I should try and maybe drink with him to make things better.
Afiance has no license, 4 dwi's, and Ill spare you of the horrible things, lies etc..And the fact I feel like the worlds worst enabler! He is dry as of now since I came to a new counsler, a month ago, who strait out -slap in my face-woke me up and told me I am codependent and all these problems I am facing will probably go away if I can just work on ME. SO that is where I am at..work on me, focus on my kids and school...find my plan for when and how I will leave this relationship with him.
Thanks sorry its long.
I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents, they did a great job raising us, they are deaf and they did there best to raise us. My dad's dad was an alcoholic and died from chirrosis (sp?)
What Kristy described was exactly how I remember my childhood and How I had the need for everyone to like me, I thought I was just shy, which yes I am but I think I am painfully shy because I don't want to ever say anything to hurt someone or to think bad thoughts of me etc.
So, I had my fair share of addictions-age 15 to 20 I had bulimia, didn't take my insulin to loose weight. In and out of treatment centers-I think I hit up each one in the twin cities, became committed to the state...while in a DBT group home I found my finace, ran away from my group home and he ran away from his half way house...hmmm. I never saw this as red flags, I was 19, we ran off together.
Well now, we have 2 small children ages 2 and 3...I gave up my drinking and my eating disorder when I found out I was pregnant...and haven't looked back...except for the few times where I think I should try and maybe drink with him to make things better.
Afiance has no license, 4 dwi's, and Ill spare you of the horrible things, lies etc..And the fact I feel like the worlds worst enabler! He is dry as of now since I came to a new counsler, a month ago, who strait out -slap in my face-woke me up and told me I am codependent and all these problems I am facing will probably go away if I can just work on ME. SO that is where I am at..work on me, focus on my kids and school...find my plan for when and how I will leave this relationship with him.
Thanks sorry its long.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents, they did a great job raising us, they are deaf and they did there best to raise us. My dad's dad was an alcoholic and died from chirrosis (sp?)
My son's deaf - My dad died that way too. O/T: There was a man I met at a meeting a while ago. He would travel around to interpret meetings to some deaf AA members. He said that it's hard for them especially because the deaf community is so tightly knit. They are a proud bunch. So, often they do not seek help. It means going out of their community, deaf alcoholics seem to isolate more. Anyway, I thought that was interesting.
My son's deaf - My dad died that way too. O/T: There was a man I met at a meeting a while ago. He would travel around to interpret meetings to some deaf AA members. He said that it's hard for them especially because the deaf community is so tightly knit. They are a proud bunch. So, often they do not seek help. It means going out of their community, deaf alcoholics seem to isolate more. Anyway, I thought that was interesting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by Alizerin
I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents, they did a great job raising us, they are deaf and they did there best to raise us. My dad's dad was an alcoholic and died from chirrosis (sp?)
My son's deaf - My dad died that way too. O/T: There was a man I met at a meeting a while ago. He would travel around to interpret meetings to some deaf AA members. He said that it's hard for them especially because the deaf community is so tightly knit. They are a proud bunch. So, often they do not seek help. It means going out of their community, deaf alcoholics seem to isolate more. Anyway, I thought that was interesting.
My son's deaf - My dad died that way too. O/T: There was a man I met at a meeting a while ago. He would travel around to interpret meetings to some deaf AA members. He said that it's hard for them especially because the deaf community is so tightly knit. They are a proud bunch. So, often they do not seek help. It means going out of their community, deaf alcoholics seem to isolate more. Anyway, I thought that was interesting.
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