No more lame ducks..!!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 37
No more lame ducks..!!
So my XAB dumped me on boxing day, it wasn't a long-term relationship but I had liked him a long while before we got it together. He's been sober for over a year but still does plenty other things to 'act out'. Anyways, we've tried remaining friends and staying in touch but twice ive tried to win him back...ugh why do I do this to myself?!!
When he dumped me I had never felt pain or rejection like it (well it seemed like I hadn't, but I guess I had when my dad left when I was 6, and there in lies a big clue to my dysfunction), so in short HE was the problem so why oh why do I want to put myself in the firing line to be hurt all over again..?
There is still even a tiny part of me that hopes we will get back together which is insame because if you asked me if I was in love or could ever see myself marrying this guy I would say hell no! I guess im just trying to heal the pain and hurt the break-up caused but going the wrong way about it.
What im really scared about is that I will like/latch onto another guy, who will be again emotionally unavailable, but it's my drug of choice..
Reading other posts in this part of the forum has been great to know im not alone and has given me alot of insight and strength so thankyou
When he dumped me I had never felt pain or rejection like it (well it seemed like I hadn't, but I guess I had when my dad left when I was 6, and there in lies a big clue to my dysfunction), so in short HE was the problem so why oh why do I want to put myself in the firing line to be hurt all over again..?
There is still even a tiny part of me that hopes we will get back together which is insame because if you asked me if I was in love or could ever see myself marrying this guy I would say hell no! I guess im just trying to heal the pain and hurt the break-up caused but going the wrong way about it.
What im really scared about is that I will like/latch onto another guy, who will be again emotionally unavailable, but it's my drug of choice..
Reading other posts in this part of the forum has been great to know im not alone and has given me alot of insight and strength so thankyou
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I feel your pain and understand your concern regarding latching onto another toxic partner. Can I suggest doing the book study with us of Codependent No More? It's an eye-opening read.
you already know that you have problems choosing a healthy partner, probably because you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself. Knowing this, you can start to examine the how and why and start fresh, with your XABF safely out of the picture!
you already know that you have problems choosing a healthy partner, probably because you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself. Knowing this, you can start to examine the how and why and start fresh, with your XABF safely out of the picture!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Kirsty 
So my XAB dumped me on boxing day, it wasn't a long-term relationship but I had liked him a long while before we got it together. He's been sober for over a year but still does plenty other things to 'act out'. Anyways, we've tried remaining friends and staying in touch but twice ive tried to win him back...ugh why do I do this to myself?!!
When he dumped me I had never felt pain or rejection like it (well it seemed like I hadn't, but I guess I had when my dad left when I was 6, and there in lies a big clue to my dysfunction), so in short HE was the problem so why oh why do I want to put myself in the firing line to be hurt all over again..?
There is still even a tiny part of me that hopes we will get back together which is insame because if you asked me if I was in love or could ever see myself marrying this guy I would say hell no! I guess im just trying to heal the pain and hurt the break-up caused but going the wrong way about it.
What im really scared about is that I will like/latch onto another guy, who will be again emotionally unavailable, but it's my drug of choice..
Reading other posts in this part of the forum has been great to know im not alone and has given me alot of insight and strength so thankyou
When he dumped me I had never felt pain or rejection like it (well it seemed like I hadn't, but I guess I had when my dad left when I was 6, and there in lies a big clue to my dysfunction), so in short HE was the problem so why oh why do I want to put myself in the firing line to be hurt all over again..?
There is still even a tiny part of me that hopes we will get back together which is insame because if you asked me if I was in love or could ever see myself marrying this guy I would say hell no! I guess im just trying to heal the pain and hurt the break-up caused but going the wrong way about it.
What im really scared about is that I will like/latch onto another guy, who will be again emotionally unavailable, but it's my drug of choice..
Reading other posts in this part of the forum has been great to know im not alone and has given me alot of insight and strength so thankyou
I would start working on yourself and rebuilding you esteem and claiming back your power. The only way to do that is to kick this guy to the curb - if you think that he loves you, you are wrong.
Remember, people like this are parasitic - they feed off of other people's energy and love. They constantly cause ugly situations to which the loved ones need to bail them out, and in some sick and twisted way they feed off the energy and concern of others. I don't understand it at all myself, but that is what they do.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 37
Thankyou for the replies..
but im so screwed I cant think of what to say in reply to them. I feel like I am insane, im in so much pain withdrawing from this guy- who I didnt even love- I just have the urge to text him but for today I wont.
I just cant think straight, im feeling so vulnerable and emotional, im now feeling paranoid thinking no-one likes me and im now obsessing on that..
Feel shameful for admitting this.
And I just feel so thick, like I dont come acroos well or articulate myself in posts and in real life it's became a self-fulfilling prophecy, ie I think, therefore I am.
How come im still feeling so insane?? I've been in recovery for 10 months, been going to regular meetings, reading/journalling, talking to my sponsor and other recovery friends. Why aren't I getting any better and still feeling so fragile..
I just feel like ive not got the energy for all this recovery work, like im not capable/ strong enough. Old feelings coming up from the past that are really affecting me, im so up and down.
Just wanna start feeling safe and healthy but right now seems so futile.
but im so screwed I cant think of what to say in reply to them. I feel like I am insane, im in so much pain withdrawing from this guy- who I didnt even love- I just have the urge to text him but for today I wont.
I just cant think straight, im feeling so vulnerable and emotional, im now feeling paranoid thinking no-one likes me and im now obsessing on that..
Feel shameful for admitting this.
And I just feel so thick, like I dont come acroos well or articulate myself in posts and in real life it's became a self-fulfilling prophecy, ie I think, therefore I am.
How come im still feeling so insane?? I've been in recovery for 10 months, been going to regular meetings, reading/journalling, talking to my sponsor and other recovery friends. Why aren't I getting any better and still feeling so fragile..
I just feel like ive not got the energy for all this recovery work, like im not capable/ strong enough. Old feelings coming up from the past that are really affecting me, im so up and down.
Just wanna start feeling safe and healthy but right now seems so futile.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
It sounds like you really need to go NO CONTACT. I had to do that and it helped so MUCH. I know it is hard when you still want them in your life BUT sometimes you just have to save yourself and leave them to their life.
I tried doing it on my own several times but never worked because he would text and then the roller coaster would start over. This last time, I actually changed my phone number and then actually told my mom ( who is on our family plan cell phone) to change the password to the cell phone bill website. That way I did not have his phone number when I got weak! I blocked him fropm every email, facebook, myspace...whatever. I was going down and had to save myself.
It worked. I felt just like you. I could have written your post a while ago. Word for word. You have to take care of you. Stress and heart break does a terrible thing to the body and mind. Make YOU a priority.
I tried doing it on my own several times but never worked because he would text and then the roller coaster would start over. This last time, I actually changed my phone number and then actually told my mom ( who is on our family plan cell phone) to change the password to the cell phone bill website. That way I did not have his phone number when I got weak! I blocked him fropm every email, facebook, myspace...whatever. I was going down and had to save myself.
It worked. I felt just like you. I could have written your post a while ago. Word for word. You have to take care of you. Stress and heart break does a terrible thing to the body and mind. Make YOU a priority.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 37
Thanks Tchappy
Whew I was really mad last night!
In the past when things hadn't worked out with my ex partners I had always turned my attentions to some other guy and then got hooked on them and so the cycle continued. It's going to be really hard, im dealing with stuff from the past step 4, but im determined I CANNOT fall for another guy, how many more times do I want to put my hand on the stove??
All this because I'm still not comfortable in my own skin, well im going to start making me my number 1 focus from now on, I have to, cant go through this pain again its like hell on earth.
Whew I was really mad last night!
In the past when things hadn't worked out with my ex partners I had always turned my attentions to some other guy and then got hooked on them and so the cycle continued. It's going to be really hard, im dealing with stuff from the past step 4, but im determined I CANNOT fall for another guy, how many more times do I want to put my hand on the stove??
All this because I'm still not comfortable in my own skin, well im going to start making me my number 1 focus from now on, I have to, cant go through this pain again its like hell on earth.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
I'm glad something I said helped. ; )
I have done the same thing in the past. As soon as one loser was gone instead of taking time for myself I moved on to the next one to fill a void.
Not this time. It has been 3 months and I took those 3 months to find myself. I'm stil working on it but I do feel good about doing things differently this time. I was not looking to date, but my mom introduced me to someone. So, we have had 2 dates. I am GOING so slow with this guy I don't even recognize myself. I think he seems to be a really good guy and that is different also. But, we will see. My blinders are off with him but at least he is DRUG and ALCOHOL free. That is a tota:day6lly new concept for me and a huge PLUS for me.
Take care and put YOU first this time.
I have done the same thing in the past. As soon as one loser was gone instead of taking time for myself I moved on to the next one to fill a void.
Not this time. It has been 3 months and I took those 3 months to find myself. I'm stil working on it but I do feel good about doing things differently this time. I was not looking to date, but my mom introduced me to someone. So, we have had 2 dates. I am GOING so slow with this guy I don't even recognize myself. I think he seems to be a really good guy and that is different also. But, we will see. My blinders are off with him but at least he is DRUG and ALCOHOL free. That is a tota:day6lly new concept for me and a huge PLUS for me.
Take care and put YOU first this time.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 37
Aww thanks again Tchappy 
way to go Mom!! so he already has her seal of approval - well that's a bonus!
Hi Live
Yes I've got depression that I take medication for, but im also hormonal just now and that can send me loopy. But its like I always forget that thats what's wrong with me and so I project onto other things. I've banged on about this already but im also working through stuff from the past, probably not the best time but hey ho, so yeah different factors contributing to my loonyness but have to say the withdrawing from him is the worst.
Just need to keep telling myself this too shall pass.
way to go Mom!! so he already has her seal of approval - well that's a bonus!Hi Live
Yes I've got depression that I take medication for, but im also hormonal just now and that can send me loopy. But its like I always forget that thats what's wrong with me and so I project onto other things. I've banged on about this already but im also working through stuff from the past, probably not the best time but hey ho, so yeah different factors contributing to my loonyness
but have to say the withdrawing from him is the worst.Just need to keep telling myself this too shall pass.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am the same way. Try to take it easy on yourself when you know you're going to be in a "hormonal" (emotionally vulnerable) time. Make plans to go out with some friends, or watch a funny movie. Do things that you know will help so that you don't fall in the hole you know you're going to fall into. It's difficult, I know, but practicing doing this will make it a habit and the habit will become a routine and soon you will not find yourself in this hole EVER AGAIN.
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