nodaybut2day

I'm not the only codie in my family...it seems we're a bunch of "aidant naturels" ("natural helpers"), turned World Saviors.

This week-end, my father is babbling on the phone with my mother's sister, who's definitely a codie. She married the same alcoholic man twice, and though he's now in recovery, it's taken decades of abuse and suffering, and she's really burned out by her choice. But, whatever, it's her choice. This woman is the queen of saving everything and everyone to the point of exhaustion: rescued animals, rescued friends, rescued family members, you name it.

And so, this aunty took it upon herself to snoop on XAH's Facebook page, and thought it good to tell my father that she discovered that XAH is now listed as "In a Relationship" with Alexandra SomethingOrOther....and how shocking that is, and how this woman has a young son, and how she saw the pictures, and blah blah blah.

Ugh.

I've really been enjoying this very minimal contact with XAH. It's working beautifully. A few text messages twice a week for visitation purposes only; very polite contact in front of DD during the exchange, and the rest of the time, blissful silence! I "defriended" XAH on Facebook long before I moved out and haven't really been doing much with Facebook except put new baby pictures on it. As for this new girlfriend, I already knew about her back in November, when XAH threatened to introduce DD to her as a way to get me to comply to his demands. Heck, he may well have been seeing her before we separate. It doesn't matter to me.

BUT, I'm slightly annoyed that other people are checking up on XAH "for me", sort of taking up the flag of my defense, and getting angry in my name. It's really unnecessary and rather annoying. I'm working very hard on examining my own codie tendencies, reflecting on their source and their effect on my life, and making a concerted effort to start fresh...I don't need to be dealing with my family's codie tendencies as well.

Any suggestions out there from the Experts?

Insulated

i consider what aunty did stalking. if your XAH's f/b isn't private then it's for anyone to see. don't let it get under your skin. when and if you're asked did you know blah blah blah....just say why do you ask? See, i'm a smart a$$ so I'd probably go as far as to say "Great! It behooves me for him to be with someone else because it means he will leave me somewhat the _________ alone!"

Acknowledge that aunty doesn't have a life and is meddling in yours. It's good for you to exercise your new codie skills!

JenT1968

no suggestions, blowed if I know.....but I feel your pain... hang in there, you're doing great.

Insulated

actually, I meant to type "anti-codie" skills. but in this case....aunty-codie skills.

nodaybut2day

that's awesome

Jadmack25

Perfect Insulated, yep smile sweetly and tell them "isn't it good he is busy with new GF and not bothering you".

God bless

coffeedrinker

she didn't actually tell you, she told your father. sorry i don't have advice, but if you go to this aunty and say "knock it off, ya busy-body!" it will open a can of worms, so i guess only thing is to let it go, consider the source, there but for the grace of god, all that stuff.

transformyself

This is a GREAT lesson for me, as in the past I would have "defended" myself, there by adding to and dragging out the drama. A friend once sent me an email when I was in the throes of happily eating up that kind of drama that simply said DO NOT ENGAGE.

At the time I wondered what he meant!

Now I know. Now I have those skills. Ignoring, letting go of and releasing those little fishhooks is always the best path to sanity for me. It's so liberating! Pretending to not care comes first, then actually not caring and getting on with your own fantastic life comes next.

nodaybut2day

to be quite honest, I'm secretely hoping this new girl gets preggo (as XAH categorically refuses to use condoms) sometime soon because then he will have other fish to fry and will leave me alone for good!



ok ok, I know it's evil...

Duped

Boy, I can relate to that feeling. When I found out my exAGF was back hanging around her ex drug addict boyfriend, part of me was horrified (because he's a druggie and/or former druggie), but another part of me was somewhat relieved as she magically started to leave me alone. I.e. she found weaker prey to kiss her butt.

dothi

Just my two cents. This is reflective of how alcoholism (hand in hand with codependency) is a family disease. Members become "immeshed" in other people's business and even their identities (don't learn where your personality stops and mine starts). Even worse, "how I would deal with situation X is how you would deal with it too."

Your aunt is reinforcing the only system she knows (as indicated by her codie behavior), probably on auto-pilot, and not even aware of what it is she's doing exactly. If I were in your shoes I would use this as an opportunity to model healthy non-codependent behavior with gentle acknowledgements, e.g. "I appreciate your support, aunt. However I am choosing to deal with situation X by doing Y, and would appreciate your help even more if you could XYZ." Show her where she stops and you start.

It's sad to realize how other people in your family are also suffering because they're still using the obselete tools modelled in their childhoods. However there is the chance to educate them just by modelling healthy alternatives.

TakingCharge999

I was thinking about the codie tendency in the city I leave..

For instance I had a buddha image my sister gave me from a trip to Buthan... I had it on my entrance, what with the bamboo plants giving me a good "zen" feeling.

BF tells me "take that image of that monkey away!! the neighbor will think you're Satanic!! probably thinks that by now"

........

I was going to get angry but ... I told him 'he is not a monkey... he is the buddha. But he can take your ignorance and disrespect... now, if you tell me "I don't like it, please take it away" I can put it in my yoga room. No worries. If you tell me "let's not put religious/spiritual images on public areas" I get it, too. No worries.

But to come and worry because the neighbor may think this or that?????????????? LOL!!

Here they care sooooooooo much about images and pretending, having the nicest car, best looking boyfriend, money yadda yadda, its incredible. The other day I paid maintenance and the guy said "oh well we started just like you do, without good curtains..." wtf?

Oh well anyway its a good signal you recognize codieness in others and you are able to laugh or disengange respectfully........ that means "choosing your battles"

You are doing very well!!!!!!! good for you for going No contact and being respectful with XAH when DD is present. My mom was respectful towards my dad when they divorced and I thank her for that.

bookwyrm

I'm being just a bit sexist here but really, a guy noticing 'good' curtains!! I agree, WTF?!

TakingCharge999

LOL. Well he is married with a kid

Reminds of the other day when BF told me my SOCKS were "too long" ... and demanded I changed them or others would "laugh at me" at some dance lessons... lol it seems people actually NOTICE those things ????