Does he just not WANT to get it....?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Does he just not WANT to get it....?
Last week was rough with my AH. My pregnancy is tough and I have been in and out of the hospital several times.....and though seperated, during that time he stays at my house and takes care of the kids...which I do appreciate! While in the hospital he left me horrible messages and complained about everything..just as if I was home. I came home to an incredibly messy house with NOTHING done during the 3 days I was gone. So I've been home for 4 days now. The first 2 nights he did not say anything and stayed with his friend. Then yesterday he showed up to see our daughter, which is fine, but then stayed and stayed. I didn't mind his presence so much, I had the flu and was pretty out of it! Anyway so last night about bed time he says...so is it ok if I'm here. I said it is what it is, I just didn't have the energy for an argument. He asked me if I wanted him there....and I said so whatever I don't care right now. Then he got all mad and said that he would not stay where he is not wanted. All that is fine, I'm not going ot pretend like I want him living here....I'm not going to pretend like everything is ok. My question is, and this floors me, how can he pretend like everything is ok? How can he believe that after calling me all kinds of horrible names last week and leaving me horrible messages while i was in the hospital....that everything is ok? Then I started to wonder does he really believe it is ok, or he just wants things to go back to normal again. We still have not had one conversation that was meaningful in anyway about our relationship...it always ends with him saying, "yep it's all my fault." I just will never understand how he can treat me so terribly then act like it's ok.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"My question is, and this floors me, how can he pretend like everything is ok? How can he believe that after calling me all kinds of horrible names last week and leaving me horrible messages while i was in the hospital....that everything is ok?"
My 2 cents:
DENIAL
GUILT
If you tell me that you want me here, it makes everything OK in his head. Everythings peachy keen. He can then tell himself "I wasn't so bad, I'm not usch a bad person 'cause she still LOVES me". Denial of how sick he is. If one is able to not get sucked into that toilet bowl black hole - Both are better off?
I just got mine out of the house. The longer he's out the more I can see what the reality of what we were was - Without attaching any magical qualities to it.
My 2 cents:
DENIAL
GUILT
If you tell me that you want me here, it makes everything OK in his head. Everythings peachy keen. He can then tell himself "I wasn't so bad, I'm not usch a bad person 'cause she still LOVES me". Denial of how sick he is. If one is able to not get sucked into that toilet bowl black hole - Both are better off?
I just got mine out of the house. The longer he's out the more I can see what the reality of what we were was - Without attaching any magical qualities to it.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
because if he pretends its okay, in the past what has happened? have you calle dhim on it? confronted him? dragged him to marrriage guidance? kicked him to the kerb?
or have you sat there wondering how can he do this? if I confront him will he leave? am I being unreasonable? am I crazy? is it me? did it even happen? stuffed it all down and carried on as if it was all okay, eventually.
he has learned that if he ignores it and pretends like it didn't happen, like he didn't say those things and act like a jerk, eventually it will be as if it didn't, he'll get all the same privaleges etc, gets treated like a human being, gets love and attention.
note that I am not saying this is your fault, or that you taught him to be this way. He isn't a toddler, you should NOT have to train him to act like a rational human being, to treat people the way he would wish to be treated, to take account of the feelings of others.
whether he sees deep down that it does you damage or not is hardly important unless you are his therapist and he is coming to you for help. What is important is that he repeatedly does this. and its not ok.
or have you sat there wondering how can he do this? if I confront him will he leave? am I being unreasonable? am I crazy? is it me? did it even happen? stuffed it all down and carried on as if it was all okay, eventually.
he has learned that if he ignores it and pretends like it didn't happen, like he didn't say those things and act like a jerk, eventually it will be as if it didn't, he'll get all the same privaleges etc, gets treated like a human being, gets love and attention.
note that I am not saying this is your fault, or that you taught him to be this way. He isn't a toddler, you should NOT have to train him to act like a rational human being, to treat people the way he would wish to be treated, to take account of the feelings of others.
whether he sees deep down that it does you damage or not is hardly important unless you are his therapist and he is coming to you for help. What is important is that he repeatedly does this. and its not ok.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Be like teflon- right now just think about you. He is selfish....that's the way they are. It is a temporary problem. Maybe get someone else to help you out since he is not helping....he's just adding more ca ca to an already uncomfortable situation. This baby deserves to come into a no stress world, with a calm, healthy Mommy. I would try no contact and let him see his daughter away from you. The less drama you have the better. The less you "engage" the better. Being pregnant and having the flu is enough don't add a KINGBABY to the mix. Where is that link on KINGBABIES?
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