WizeDeb

Its been a some time that I posted for those who dont know my AH commited sucide Jan 9.While we were separated Since then it has been a horrilbe rollercoaster, I took a leave of absent from my work. So did my daugher she is a senior in high school and it was just too much to work too.

The first two weeks I spent on the couch, the other day I thought I can no longer spend my life on the couch. I am alive and so is my daughter. Im coming to terms that this was his choice and no matter what I could have done, said wouldnt have mattered. That is one of the hardest things to accept. I greive the person I married, I greive the person he could have been. I even greive for the person that he became, even tho Im Im angry at him still. Still love him too, always did and always will. Hope he knew that I told him that when we separated.

Some how I have to rebuild my life for myself and my daughter, I will always grieve for him, but I have to start living again. The house was a mess. my daughter and I have been slowly cleaning it up. We made a list of things to do and check them off as we go.

I have to push thru this, somehow I have to accept it. I will never be over it but IT WAS HIS CHOICE. I go back to the doctors on Monday and I think I still need some time off. They are going to check my meds again. I also dont want to spend my life on Xanax, which Im only taking it now when I absolulty need too. But I will say the Zoloft works well. Never been on any type of meds like this before and Im not going to be ashamed of it either. I didnt want to tell anyone, how stupid is that. If you need help then get the help.

I want to organize the house more and change things around. For some sort of reason I think if I change the house around its a beginning of a new life. I want myself and my daughter to be happy again, to look forward to things. I keep praying to my HP to give me strength and courage for myself and my daughter. I know my HP is sitting right here and I have to listen more closely and trust in him for he knows best.

I do have a story to tell. I was on the couch cryiny my eyes out, I have a little white Chihuahua. Every time I cry he comes and cuddlys my neck. I had a tissue box on the floor next to the couch. Do you know he got off the couch and brought me a tissue? Swear! If it wasnt for my little Bubbie with my while Im alone I dont know what I would do. Love this dog!

As always thanks for listening to me, You all give so much love and acceptance. And I can never get the spell check to work, so forgive my mis spelled words lol

saneagain

So sorry that you have to go through this. I am new here, but one of the first things I did was go back and read all of your posts. I felt that our stories were very similar. The difference is that I'm in a position now where I worry that my STBXAH may commit suicide. The guilt in these situations is overwhelming. I told my counselor about my fear and he told me that suicide is the choice of the person doing it and that it wouldn't be my fault in any way if it happened. It's not your fault! Continue seeing the doctor, taking your meds (Zoloft really helps me cope), and going through the grieving process. My heart breaks for you and your daughter, but your life will get better!!

Still Waters

Positive movement WizeDeb. You sound really good.

coyote21

That's the good stuff.

Seems to me that animals are way more "tuned in" than we are sometimes. LMC and I have an old 20lb tom cat.

Back several years ago in the "trudging through Hell daze" when axw was still around, I used to use him as a "barometer" for the "feel" of the room.

Axw would be harshing the atmosphere, I'd watch him.......when he had had enough and got up and left.... so would I.

Ah, good times.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Jazzman

Deb, get off the couch, get back to work, get back to life, get off the meds. The only way out of the **** is to put one foot in front of the other, rinse and repeat. You can do this

GiveLove

I think you're doing great, Deb. I was pretty much catatonic for weeks when I lost my sister to suicide, then again when I lost the second.

But I started to have days like you're having, where I could start to see what I DIDN'T want. That was much easier than trying to find (in my aching brain and heart) what I DID want. Those first steps were hard, but one led to another, to another, to another.

My dogs are helpful as well. Not sure what the behavioral science is behind that, but they certainly do support their pack leader. I have a non-affectionate little pug that, when I'm "on the couch" as you are, would come and lay right on my chest....all 25 pounds of him. Almost like he was trying to get as close to my heart as possible, pour some life into me.

You're doing well. This will not last forever.

meonlyme

I think you are one brave, courageous woman, I applaude you. You are showing a quality of spirit that enables you to face your pain, dealing with it in spite of all the loss. It takes a great deal of wisdom to do this. Congratulations:ghug3

PHIZ007

Wize Deb I have followed your story from the start...(((HUGS))))) to you and I think you are doing amazingly well! Really you are!!

Your daughter is so lucky to have such a great Mum. It will take time to grieve.......take each day as it comes and do what you need to do to get through it. Some days will be harder than others but the important thing is to just keep going one step at a time, one day at a time...one moment at a time....and once again I am so so sorry for your loss, my heart really does go out to you.

Just in repsonse to your house sorting check out flylady.com and she will help you get on track......and may even give you a smile along the way!

Take care and keep on posting - Hugs again Phiz:ghug3

coffeedrinker

good to hear some motivation starting to come back to you. i think sometimes people give themselves a hard time because they aren't getting back to life "soon enough". there is no set timetable, and if you're seeing a psychiatrist, he/she will let you know if you have crossed that line.

i LOVE the doggy story

Carol Star

Ce Ce Winans has a song "Take your time 'cause time is what its gonna take and one morning you'll awake and there'll be one less tear- and you'll heal- I know you will." He was miserable and needed relief. He got it. It wasn't your doing. Animal's know when we are upset. They are incredible. You take your timme. One bite of the elephant....one inch of the football field......God doesn't put us to it unless he can get us through it. I have accepted my XAH may do the same thing. He talks about it. We have our 3 c's. They have their choices and alcohoic/addicts make alot of bad ones. He is at peace. You will be with time.

Jadmack25

Your mind and body have received a terrible shock, and your body's response is to shut down all that is not necessary for life and survival.
As the trauma lessens, the body and brain slowly come to life, and this is where it seems you are just now...ready to get off the couch.

I used this prayer below, when my XAH died, and I had very mixed up feelings.
It seemed to me, that it answered my need then, to end my muddled thoughts and heal whatever needed to be healed.
I hope it may bring some comfort to you at this time.

God bless

Lord Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit,
go back into my memory as I sleep.

Every hurt that has ever been done to me, heal that hurt.
Every hurt that I have ever caused another person, heal that hurt.

All the relationships that have been damaged
in my whole life that I am not aware of, heal those relationships.

But, Lord, if there is anything that I need to do;
If I need to go to a person because he or she is still suffering from my hand,

Bring to my awareness that person,
I choose to forgive, and I ask also to be forgiven.

Remove whatever bitterness may be in my heart, Lord,
and fill the empty spaces with your love.
Amen.

GiveLove

For some reason times like this always remind me of that scene in the film "The Mission" where Robert DeNiro has to do penance by dragging this big sack of junk and metal and rocks UP a waterfall. The weight keeps pulling him down. Keeps getting up. Goes up a few feet, falls down a few more. After what seems like forever, he finally makes it to the top and thinks he's about to be killed....but finds acceptance and love and loyalty for the first time probably in his life. I cry like a baby every time I see that....honest to god, all-out, kleenex-rending tears. It's such a great metaphor for these up-down-exhausting periods in life.

Big hugs to you, Deb. Your load is heavy right now; I'm glad you are letting us help you carry it.

ItsmeAlice

It's wonderful to hear the positives in your post.

Those moments of revelation are I think are what show our progress in recovery. You feel the need to move forward, even if just a bit at time, and so you shall. Good for you!

And you are so right about medications to assist you. Help comes to us in many way and we use what works for us. There is no shame in that.

I think a change around the house sounds like an industrious activity for you both to do together and a refreshing change to boot.

Alice

TakingCharge999

The other day my cats gave me great comfort as well. They are incredible, the other day I thanked them and told them I Know they are angels in disguise God sent me to heal. I guess for us who have had traumatic events in our lives it is super important to have constant reminders of unconditional love and comfort, to smile often and come back to the present moment. Here in SR I have learned that it is progress, not perfection and that recovering is a daily job. I recently came off anti depressants, I took Lexapro for a year... and it really does change one's perspective... I feel much better now and I will pray you feel better soon.

As it is...my cat was using my BF as a bed, sleeping on his back. Then my BF moved, cat got annoyed, sat down on his back, walked and is now using ME as a bed.

You are free and able to move to safer waters... this is a transition period, this is not IT. Take care

WizeDeb

I cant express all my love for you guys, I loved the prayer. This is a very safe place to expres myself and get the support I need from people who understand, I said a prayer thanking God for you all. Without these boards, I dont know what I would have done