summerfield

My daughter is an A. She has stopped drinking and went to some AA meetings but has never really worked the programme. She is six months pregnant which is probably giving her the will power to stop but she is essentially a dry drunk - last night she exploded as if she had been drinking. Her partner has had enough of her erratic, controlling behaviour and I am encouraging him to come to al-anon, but he is young and doesn't seem to think he needs it yet.
I really feel like having no contact with her until she commits to recovery, but I don't want to behave in a manipulative way giving her an ultimatum.
I realy don't know what to do? I am new to the forum and know I found it this morning for a reason.

Jadmack25

Age has nothing to do with when you "need" help like Alanon.

If your A daughter's bf is troubled by her drinking habits, then he is right for Alanon.

Glad you found us, Welcome.

God bless

totfit

Doesn't being pregnant lead to hormonal erratic behavior? Might that be it. Your daughter is not drinking. That is good. There is no need for a recovery program if that is not what SHE wishes. If she has issues other than alcohol after she gives birth counseling may be in order. If her not drinking is not good enough for you then maybe your expectations are too high.

bookwyrm

Is it too much to expect that someone not explode at you?

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery forum!

We are glad you found us. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some of our stories are posted in the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum.

I am glad that your daughter has stopped drinking. That is double the good news since she is pregnant.

I am a cheerleader for Alanon and AA. However, I know that there are many paths to recovery and each of us must choose our own path. I am a recovering alcoholic as well as a recovering codependent exspouse of an alcoholic. I did not use AA to get sober, but I do use the 12 step based program for face to face support in dealing with my codependency and addiction to my alcoholic. I say all that to let you know this: as a cheerleader for AA and Alanon I have found that the best way to promote those programs is by being a living example of peaceful living and serenity. I will mention to friends, family and co-workers the benefits of my support groups, but then I leave them to make their own decisions. Live and Let Live.

Instead of offering your daughter an ultimatum, could you set up boundaries for yourself? If she has another outburst, can you step away from the alcoholic behavior? A simple statement of: I refuse to be around that type of language/drama/conversation and leave the room or hang up the phone.

It also helps me to recite the Serenity Prayer as I step away from the alcoholic behavior:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can, and
the Wisdom to know the difference

summerfield

thanks for your time to respond to me.

I know everyone has to find their own path to recovery -just sometimes I need to be reminded. I try very hard to lead by example and work hard on my own programme. Just sometimes I am taken aback and the fear that I have lived with for over 10 years returns when I see the A behaving so badly. I don't actually agree that I should put up with bad behavoiur though.

Thanks for your warm welcome and i will definitely read and learn. thanks.

coffeedrinker

I am not clear on what "no need for a recovery program" means. Do you mean recovery program for the daughter, who seems to be doing a dry drunk thing right now? I guess I'm unclear as to why you said this, as this is a site based on 12-step recovery. I know AA is not for everyone, and there are some who get sober w/out it, but the success rate is incredibly low.

Her expectations are too high I would have to vehemently disagree with. Good for you, summerfield, for not buying into that. Of course you have every right to experience your relationships in loving, positive and non-abusive ways. Whether your girl is pregnant or not.

Gold

HI Summerfiled
Welcome to SR

Having no contact if that is what you choose does not need to be about delivering an ulitimatum. It would be you setting a boundary that meets you needs not hers.

Ultimatums wont work unless you are prepared to follow them through and there is a baby coming in a few month, right?

When some-one treats me poorly I make a decision about what behaviour is acceptable, what I will do if the behaviour continues and communicate it to the person. Then follow through. NOt as easy as it sounds in writing because probably these patterns of behaviour did not occur overnight.

Have a read of the stickies here at the top of the forum and see if your library or local bookshop has
"Co-dependent no more." by Melody Beattie.

Spiritual Seeker

welcome from another mother

PHIZ007

Hi Summerfield just wanted to add my welcome too.

You will find lots of great supprt here at SR it keeps me Sane!

I am sorry you are struggling at the moment.....hang out here for a while....read plenty and keep posting.

Also do something nice for Yourself today!......i try to do that and wow does it make you feel better?!.....Take Care Phiz