Glad I found you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Glad I found you
Hi all, (Warning, long introduction)
I have been married to my soon-to-be-XAH for a little over 10 years. I drug him into marriage counseling because I knew something was off nearly 7 years ago, but couldn't put my finger on it. We'd dated for 4 years prior, and basically grew up together. It wasn't until a psychiatrist basically slapped us across the face telling him that "you're not depressed, you're an alcoholic. Get sober and we'll talk," that it dawned on me just what had happened slowly and insidiously.
I started going to AlAnon. I started thinking about leaving. Heck, I'd been thinking about leaving, but was working a grueling job trying to establish my career. At 80 hours a week and lots of overnights, leaving wasn't exactly my best option. So I stuck it out.
And I finally got to where I wanted to be. Took a great job, and was ready to Start the Rest of My Life (with sane hours.) I hoped that he'd be willing to clean up, and be "that other guy, you know, the one I married."
Well, he spent 4 months of last year in inpatient rehab, and I couldn't do it any longer. The trust is gone, the line has been crossed, all the millions of chances have been exhausted. And when he left rehab last time, he flew halfway back across the country to stay with his parents.
It was the most brilliant exit strategy I could have come up with. And it was a fluke that it happened at all.
He's been gone since Sept 23rd. My days have been quiet, contemplative, and FINALLY, serene. Well, most of them. I have my share of anger. Heck, one very angry evening I tore the carpet out of my master closet and banged in hardwood flooring. Lots of swearing, but felt really good. Much better than crying. I'm tired of crying over him.
I don't know if he's sober. I don't really talk to him much, other than to deal with household stuff - mostly because he is so utterly in denial. He thinks that he's going to come back home, and we're going to live happily ever after. I tell him he can't come here. That if he's still sober and I'm still single in a couple years, then we'll talk. He accuses me of being angry and mean to him because he hates living with his parents. God bless 'em.
I have the paperwork for the lawyer's retainer on my desk. I just don't know when to file it. She says I have a good case, and although I'll probably have to fork out alimony, it shouldn't be forever. (I make pretty good money. He hasn't worked in, oh, 4 years.) My friends and colleagues think I'm a saint for staying so long. He obviously doesn't, although he waffles between professing his undying love and hating me. It's the weirdest thing.
And so I'm in limbo. Happily separated, but wanting to get it over with. He insists he's not "mentally stable" enough to go through with a divorce and he swears that he will fix our marriage. I have told him that it takes two, and I don't want it to work. We don't have children, and he's in no position to take care of the dogs.
So,
Is he ever going to "get it?"
or do I just file anyway? It ain't gonna be pretty. I was hoping that he'd be willing to work out something, but I'm doubtful. And I don't think this marriage is salvageable, although I flirt with the idea of that "second chance" occasionally. But then I shake my head and read my journals and reiterate that I can't trust him and have to take care of me first.
Mostly, I just wanted to thank you all for your stories and comments. I've been reading here awhile and love that it's a little like an AlAnon meeting on my own time. Since I work weird hours and have a relatively prominent position in my new community, I haven't been as good about meetings as I should be.
Thanks again
I have been married to my soon-to-be-XAH for a little over 10 years. I drug him into marriage counseling because I knew something was off nearly 7 years ago, but couldn't put my finger on it. We'd dated for 4 years prior, and basically grew up together. It wasn't until a psychiatrist basically slapped us across the face telling him that "you're not depressed, you're an alcoholic. Get sober and we'll talk," that it dawned on me just what had happened slowly and insidiously.
I started going to AlAnon. I started thinking about leaving. Heck, I'd been thinking about leaving, but was working a grueling job trying to establish my career. At 80 hours a week and lots of overnights, leaving wasn't exactly my best option. So I stuck it out.
And I finally got to where I wanted to be. Took a great job, and was ready to Start the Rest of My Life (with sane hours.) I hoped that he'd be willing to clean up, and be "that other guy, you know, the one I married."
Well, he spent 4 months of last year in inpatient rehab, and I couldn't do it any longer. The trust is gone, the line has been crossed, all the millions of chances have been exhausted. And when he left rehab last time, he flew halfway back across the country to stay with his parents.
It was the most brilliant exit strategy I could have come up with. And it was a fluke that it happened at all.
He's been gone since Sept 23rd. My days have been quiet, contemplative, and FINALLY, serene. Well, most of them. I have my share of anger. Heck, one very angry evening I tore the carpet out of my master closet and banged in hardwood flooring. Lots of swearing, but felt really good. Much better than crying. I'm tired of crying over him.
I don't know if he's sober. I don't really talk to him much, other than to deal with household stuff - mostly because he is so utterly in denial. He thinks that he's going to come back home, and we're going to live happily ever after. I tell him he can't come here. That if he's still sober and I'm still single in a couple years, then we'll talk. He accuses me of being angry and mean to him because he hates living with his parents. God bless 'em.
I have the paperwork for the lawyer's retainer on my desk. I just don't know when to file it. She says I have a good case, and although I'll probably have to fork out alimony, it shouldn't be forever. (I make pretty good money. He hasn't worked in, oh, 4 years.) My friends and colleagues think I'm a saint for staying so long. He obviously doesn't, although he waffles between professing his undying love and hating me. It's the weirdest thing.
And so I'm in limbo. Happily separated, but wanting to get it over with. He insists he's not "mentally stable" enough to go through with a divorce and he swears that he will fix our marriage. I have told him that it takes two, and I don't want it to work. We don't have children, and he's in no position to take care of the dogs.
So,
Is he ever going to "get it?"
or do I just file anyway? It ain't gonna be pretty. I was hoping that he'd be willing to work out something, but I'm doubtful. And I don't think this marriage is salvageable, although I flirt with the idea of that "second chance" occasionally. But then I shake my head and read my journals and reiterate that I can't trust him and have to take care of me first.
Mostly, I just wanted to thank you all for your stories and comments. I've been reading here awhile and love that it's a little like an AlAnon meeting on my own time. Since I work weird hours and have a relatively prominent position in my new community, I haven't been as good about meetings as I should be.
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Hello DMC
Sounds like you know what you really want to do and thats all that matters.
And I don't think this marriage is salvageable,
I have told him that it takes two, and I don't want it to work.
Happily separated, but wanting to get it over with.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
DMC,
Welcome to the family!
Thank you for taking the time to tell us your story. We are glad you are here.
This is what I noticed about your post, please correct me if I am wrong. You know what you want from your life. Your STBAXH (soon to be alcoholic ex husband) is not part of your life plan. Yet you are waiting to file your divorce papers in hopes of a better time for him. The alcoholic is still manipulating the marriage:
He insists he's not "mentally stable" enough to go through with a divorce and he swears that he will fix our marriage
The last part about fixing the marriage: if he was powerful enough to fix the marriage - it wouldn't be broken, right?
Keep reading and posting as much as you need. We're here 24/7. :ghug3
Welcome to the family!
Thank you for taking the time to tell us your story. We are glad you are here.
This is what I noticed about your post, please correct me if I am wrong. You know what you want from your life. Your STBAXH (soon to be alcoholic ex husband) is not part of your life plan. Yet you are waiting to file your divorce papers in hopes of a better time for him. The alcoholic is still manipulating the marriage:
He insists he's not "mentally stable" enough to go through with a divorce and he swears that he will fix our marriage
The last part about fixing the marriage: if he was powerful enough to fix the marriage - it wouldn't be broken, right?
Keep reading and posting as much as you need. We're here 24/7. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Just reading your post made me feel empowered for you. It sounds like you have a bright future ahead.
One question... If he is not "mentally stable" enough to handle a divorce how is he supposed to be stable enough to handle a marriage? His logic seems backwards to me.
One question... If he is not "mentally stable" enough to handle a divorce how is he supposed to be stable enough to handle a marriage? His logic seems backwards to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Thanks all. There is something to be said for putting something into print. I have always journaled at turning points because it gives one something to reflect back on.
I feel like I've been building up to this point for some time, and reading here has simply added to it. I meet with my therapist on Monday, and, as you all have succinctly pointed out - with my own words - I know it's over. I guess I was hoping to out-manipulate the manipulator by trying to get him to work with me and hash out an agreement. (I have to admit that I've already established financial support, hoping the judge will just keep it there, rather than raise it.)
And of course his logic is backwards. He isn't the logical-yet-romantic guy I married.
I feel like my life is from Star Wars: My love was betrayed and murdered by the dark side. He became a man I didn't know, although I could "sense" the good in him. But ultimately, he will have to redeem himself if he is to be redeemed. (That would be episode 6, right before he dies, of course.)
And yeah, I am very lucky. I have worked very hard to get where I am, to be able to do what I do. I owe a lot of student loans, but am more financially secure than many. Now that I'm finally done with all the school and the training, (and the delayed gratification of it all), and he isn't wasting my hard-earned money on booze and cigarettes (did I mention that? I HATE that!!) I want to LIVE. (ie travel, DO stuff, put down roots, give back to my community, etc.)
Professionally, I see a lot of the worst of society, and deal with tragedy on a daily basis. I see people who lose everything in the blink of an eye. It just reiterates that you never know what the future holds, and should live every day to the fullest.
Thanks again.
I feel like I've been building up to this point for some time, and reading here has simply added to it. I meet with my therapist on Monday, and, as you all have succinctly pointed out - with my own words - I know it's over. I guess I was hoping to out-manipulate the manipulator by trying to get him to work with me and hash out an agreement. (I have to admit that I've already established financial support, hoping the judge will just keep it there, rather than raise it.)
And of course his logic is backwards. He isn't the logical-yet-romantic guy I married.
I feel like my life is from Star Wars: My love was betrayed and murdered by the dark side. He became a man I didn't know, although I could "sense" the good in him. But ultimately, he will have to redeem himself if he is to be redeemed. (That would be episode 6, right before he dies, of course.)
And yeah, I am very lucky. I have worked very hard to get where I am, to be able to do what I do. I owe a lot of student loans, but am more financially secure than many. Now that I'm finally done with all the school and the training, (and the delayed gratification of it all), and he isn't wasting my hard-earned money on booze and cigarettes (did I mention that? I HATE that!!) I want to LIVE. (ie travel, DO stuff, put down roots, give back to my community, etc.)
Professionally, I see a lot of the worst of society, and deal with tragedy on a daily basis. I see people who lose everything in the blink of an eye. It just reiterates that you never know what the future holds, and should live every day to the fullest.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I just want to say that I think you're a bad a$$ for putting in a hardwood floor. I thought I was cool for painting and hanging up my own shelf.
I think you're making the right decision. Cut the dead weight and move on. Sounds like you've got a lot of good stuff happening in your life. You deserve a healthy partner to share it with.
I think you're making the right decision. Cut the dead weight and move on. Sounds like you've got a lot of good stuff happening in your life. You deserve a healthy partner to share it with.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
IMO go ahead and file, the longer you wait you risk him simply showing up and moving back in (legally you would have to let him). Also the longer you stay married without being legally separated the more alimony you may have to pay him. I put off divorcing my exah for years and wish I hadn't. Don't warn him, if he seeks legal counsel the first thing they will advise him to do is move back in with you before you file. My exah pulled all sorts of crap, refusing to move out, delay the divorce, not showing up at hearings etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Alrighty then... met with my therapist, rehashed all this again, and we both agree that I've grieved this relationship a darn long time, and am ready.
Went by my lawyer's office wrote the check and the papers will be filed late this week or early next. Her secretary is great, and answered the questions I had as best she could. Not that any of us have any idea what STBXAH is going to do. Oh well.
I have to admit that I'm dreading that call after he's served with the papers, but refuse to get sucked in. Or at least, I'm going to try not to. I've done a pretty good job detaching and holding the party line, as it were. (If you're still sober and I'm still single in a couple years, then we'll talk.)
Thank for the nudge. Or kick. I was getting really close and just needed that push over the edge.
Went by my lawyer's office wrote the check and the papers will be filed late this week or early next. Her secretary is great, and answered the questions I had as best she could. Not that any of us have any idea what STBXAH is going to do. Oh well.
I have to admit that I'm dreading that call after he's served with the papers, but refuse to get sucked in. Or at least, I'm going to try not to. I've done a pretty good job detaching and holding the party line, as it were. (If you're still sober and I'm still single in a couple years, then we'll talk.)
Thank for the nudge. Or kick. I was getting really close and just needed that push over the edge.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi DMC...just wanted to say WELCOME to SR (officially) and 
to you for sticking to your guns and going through with filing the papers.
I too fear "The Dreaded Post-Serving Call OF DOOM" from XAH, but heck, there's nothing we can do to control them right? You did what you did because you know it was right for you, and then he'll do whatever crazy $hit he's going to do 'cause...well, he's an alcoholic. Then life will go on, as it always does.
to you for sticking to your guns and going through with filing the papers.I too fear "The Dreaded Post-Serving Call OF DOOM" from XAH, but heck, there's nothing we can do to control them right? You did what you did because you know it was right for you, and then he'll do whatever crazy $hit he's going to do 'cause...well, he's an alcoholic. Then life will go on, as it always does.
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