A revisit to crazyland...
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A revisit to crazyland...
It seems many of us are feeling the same way this evening....so I will join in....
I LOST IT THIS WEEK!!! I thought I was getting better. No I WAS getting better. Then I got that so called email apology a few weeks ago which I wrote about.
Well needless to say, that "apology" as sent me to crazyland! I wanted sooooo much to believe that he meant it. I kept my guard up in the beginning and told him that I didn't think friendship was possible, but I was willing to speak with him. Did he ever respond...NOOOOOO!
Of course that just sent me into an emotional spiral. Then last weekend, for whatever reason he had, he blocked me. What!??? HE blocked ME????
After all of HIS lies, and everything he did he had the audacity to block ME, like I did something wrong!????? (this is what went through my head)
So this week I have been through every emotion I can think of. Wanting to work on forgiveness because it's the healthy and the right thing to do, to realizing how much pain has resurfaced by the fabulous reminder that he felt the need to send me that he just does not care if he hurts me.
To not even being able to fathom forgiveness.
Worst of all....I expressed what I thought about all of this to him. At first I sent out an olive branch, then I regretted it.
I guess he got the reaction he wanted. Well, good for him!
What's done is done again. And now I am starting over. I feel like I am starting over atleast. I think it won't be as bad as the first few months... I am feeling ok right now with accepting that it just all is what it is now.
I wonder....... did they all get the same memo this month to jerk us around one more time!??? I think they have learned to send telepathic messages to each other.
Think good thoughts tonight everyone. Tomorrows a new day!
I LOST IT THIS WEEK!!! I thought I was getting better. No I WAS getting better. Then I got that so called email apology a few weeks ago which I wrote about.
Well needless to say, that "apology" as sent me to crazyland! I wanted sooooo much to believe that he meant it. I kept my guard up in the beginning and told him that I didn't think friendship was possible, but I was willing to speak with him. Did he ever respond...NOOOOOO!
Of course that just sent me into an emotional spiral. Then last weekend, for whatever reason he had, he blocked me. What!??? HE blocked ME????
After all of HIS lies, and everything he did he had the audacity to block ME, like I did something wrong!????? (this is what went through my head)
So this week I have been through every emotion I can think of. Wanting to work on forgiveness because it's the healthy and the right thing to do, to realizing how much pain has resurfaced by the fabulous reminder that he felt the need to send me that he just does not care if he hurts me.
To not even being able to fathom forgiveness.
Worst of all....I expressed what I thought about all of this to him. At first I sent out an olive branch, then I regretted it.
I guess he got the reaction he wanted. Well, good for him!
What's done is done again. And now I am starting over. I feel like I am starting over atleast. I think it won't be as bad as the first few months... I am feeling ok right now with accepting that it just all is what it is now.
I wonder....... did they all get the same memo this month to jerk us around one more time!??? I think they have learned to send telepathic messages to each other.
Think good thoughts tonight everyone. Tomorrows a new day!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I think you're on to something with the telepathic messages. Jerks.
I don't think you're starting over. The FIRST time I left him was the worst in a lot of ways. This time it's a little easier because I'm SURE I made the right decision to save myself. I bet you're feeling a lot more confident with your decision now as well. It helps.
Tomorrow IS a new day. I'm trying to think good thoughts. Revving up for tomorrow
I don't think you're starting over. The FIRST time I left him was the worst in a lot of ways. This time it's a little easier because I'm SURE I made the right decision to save myself. I bet you're feeling a lot more confident with your decision now as well. It helps.
Tomorrow IS a new day. I'm trying to think good thoughts. Revving up for tomorrow
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KP - Right!!!
Well, his blocking me came after a night where I was just commenting back and forth with some of our mutual friends...who he doesn't even talk to that much. There was one thing that someone said to me that looked like it totally could have been about him....which it wasn't, but he's so paranoid that he probably thought I was talking about him with others....or it just pissed him off that I was talking to anyone and seemed happy. WHO KNOWS!
So I guess he wanted to punish me. Well, I guess with how I have reacted, he probably feels some sense of inflated ego knowing he can still get to me. *sigh. Soooo I forgive myself for this week, and mooooove on. Again!
You are right though, today was hard, I cried a lot..... but I do agree with you that the second time is a bit easier. I know now that should he EVER try to contact me again, that the ONLY way to protect myself is to delete delete delete ignore ignore ignore.
And once again, start waking up in the mornings and being grateful that someone who is so willing to hurt me has chosen to want to spend his life with someone else.
She is a VERY lucky girl.
Well, his blocking me came after a night where I was just commenting back and forth with some of our mutual friends...who he doesn't even talk to that much. There was one thing that someone said to me that looked like it totally could have been about him....which it wasn't, but he's so paranoid that he probably thought I was talking about him with others....or it just pissed him off that I was talking to anyone and seemed happy. WHO KNOWS!
So I guess he wanted to punish me. Well, I guess with how I have reacted, he probably feels some sense of inflated ego knowing he can still get to me. *sigh. Soooo I forgive myself for this week, and mooooove on. Again!
You are right though, today was hard, I cried a lot..... but I do agree with you that the second time is a bit easier. I know now that should he EVER try to contact me again, that the ONLY way to protect myself is to delete delete delete ignore ignore ignore.
And once again, start waking up in the mornings and being grateful that someone who is so willing to hurt me has chosen to want to spend his life with someone else.
She is a VERY lucky girl.
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Yeah telepathic jerks. Haha. Grr.
sounds like he blocked u because you didn't provide him with the response he was looking for. You sent a healthy, boundary back and he didn't like it.
Typical.
This is me and this is my A.
sounds like he blocked u because you didn't provide him with the response he was looking for. You sent a healthy, boundary back and he didn't like it.
Typical.
This is me and this is my A.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Ohhh Kitty!!!!
how about it..did all the A's get the "Let's be a jerk this week and mess with the enablers minds" this week! :wtf2
The whole blocking thing is mind boggling isn't it? I am the one that's hurt, I am the one that LEFT YOU! HOW dare YOU block ME!!!! It's almost like we want to be the ones that punish them for their bad behavior. But somehow, they always find a way to do it to us instead!
We need to just let them go, into their own pool of self-hate, and self-loathing. That's all its' really about anyway. They are still trying to control us, even after we have said SEE YA! They can't handle the boundaries, so they lash out like small children throwing a tantrum.
Delete, ignore and pray to God everyday that it is HER and not YOU dealing with the addict man-child!
LAAAWWWDDD have mercy!
how about it..did all the A's get the "Let's be a jerk this week and mess with the enablers minds" this week! :wtf2
The whole blocking thing is mind boggling isn't it? I am the one that's hurt, I am the one that LEFT YOU! HOW dare YOU block ME!!!! It's almost like we want to be the ones that punish them for their bad behavior. But somehow, they always find a way to do it to us instead!
We need to just let them go, into their own pool of self-hate, and self-loathing. That's all its' really about anyway. They are still trying to control us, even after we have said SEE YA! They can't handle the boundaries, so they lash out like small children throwing a tantrum.
Delete, ignore and pray to God everyday that it is HER and not YOU dealing with the addict man-child!
LAAAWWWDDD have mercy!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Well, his blocking me came after a night where I was just commenting back and forth with some of our mutual friends...who he doesn't even talk to that much. There was one thing that someone said to me that looked like it totally could have been about him....which it wasn't, but he's so paranoid that he probably thought I was talking about him with others....or it just pissed him off that I was talking to anyone and seemed happy. WHO KNOWS!
So I guess he wanted to punish me. Well, I guess with how I have reacted, he probably feels some sense of inflated ego knowing he can still get to me. *sigh. Soooo I forgive myself for this week, and mooooove on. Again!
So I guess he wanted to punish me. Well, I guess with how I have reacted, he probably feels some sense of inflated ego knowing he can still get to me. *sigh. Soooo I forgive myself for this week, and mooooove on. Again!
Yup, you stepped back onto the rollercoaster, thinking it was a safe distance. But it wasn't, was it?
So what is the lesson you have learned for your life this week?
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As always you guys are just fabulous....
We need to just let them go, into their own pool of self-hate, and self-loathing. That's all its' really about anyway. They are still trying to control us, even after we have said SEE YA! They can't handle the boundaries, so they lash out like small children throwing a tantrum.
IamSaved, I agree. And it's really as simple as that...."let them go..."
but damn, did I feel like I ended up giving him the reaction he was looking for. But there is nothing I can do about that now except move on.
Learn,
What did I learn this week? Great question.
I learned that, though I thought I was coming to terms with what had happened between he and I that one simple email from him was all it took to get me emotionally riled up again. I am clearly FAR from being at peace with it all.
I had my counseling session today, and I have been plagued with these up and down emotions, not only because I am angry with him, but mostly because I am angry with myself for fooling myself into thinking that there was any sincerity behind a drunk apology being sent at 1 in the morning. I am angry with myself because I was trying to work on myself so hard, and I had always told myself that I would never respond to him if he contacted me..... well, I failed that test!
I learned that I do NOT want to feel this way in my life; this constant feeling of insecurity and anxiety. I learned that I do not need to hear him say to me that he is sorry....I do not need for him to validate what I was to him, because I KNOW that I was the best thing that he will ever have.
I learned that though I have set backs, it is my choice for how long it takes me to pick back up and move on. I learned that he hasn't changed at all..... but I have changed quite a bit.
I have learned that I still have a future ahead of me that does not include mixed signals, manipulations, passive aggressiveness, lies, smoking and drinking.... and that is something to be grateful for.
We need to just let them go, into their own pool of self-hate, and self-loathing. That's all its' really about anyway. They are still trying to control us, even after we have said SEE YA! They can't handle the boundaries, so they lash out like small children throwing a tantrum.
IamSaved, I agree. And it's really as simple as that...."let them go..."
but damn, did I feel like I ended up giving him the reaction he was looking for. But there is nothing I can do about that now except move on.
Learn,
What did I learn this week? Great question.
I learned that, though I thought I was coming to terms with what had happened between he and I that one simple email from him was all it took to get me emotionally riled up again. I am clearly FAR from being at peace with it all.
I had my counseling session today, and I have been plagued with these up and down emotions, not only because I am angry with him, but mostly because I am angry with myself for fooling myself into thinking that there was any sincerity behind a drunk apology being sent at 1 in the morning. I am angry with myself because I was trying to work on myself so hard, and I had always told myself that I would never respond to him if he contacted me..... well, I failed that test!
I learned that I do NOT want to feel this way in my life; this constant feeling of insecurity and anxiety. I learned that I do not need to hear him say to me that he is sorry....I do not need for him to validate what I was to him, because I KNOW that I was the best thing that he will ever have.
I learned that though I have set backs, it is my choice for how long it takes me to pick back up and move on. I learned that he hasn't changed at all..... but I have changed quite a bit.
I have learned that I still have a future ahead of me that does not include mixed signals, manipulations, passive aggressiveness, lies, smoking and drinking.... and that is something to be grateful for.
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Basically they just disappear. When you block someone their entire profile disappears from your sight....and they can no longer see yours either.
It's just easily noticed with him because he has blocked and unblocked me 3 times in the past month. But so far he's left me blocked all week.
We have mutual friends...it's easy to know.
Otherwise, you wouldn't really know if someone blocked you if you don't have mutual friends...you could just think they deleted their account.
It's just easily noticed with him because he has blocked and unblocked me 3 times in the past month. But so far he's left me blocked all week.
We have mutual friends...it's easy to know.
Otherwise, you wouldn't really know if someone blocked you if you don't have mutual friends...you could just think they deleted their account.
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Hahahaha Jadmack....sadly I totally agree with you!
I say sadly because I was doing so much reading this week on practicing forgiveness, thinking that was the only way I would find peace. Yeah.... the idea of forgiving just doesn't seem possible right now.
So I don't think that I necessarily needed to call him and tell him what a "f***n pr*** he is...... but I do believe in saying what you mean, and meaning what you say, and that just means standing up for yourself the best way you can.
Yes, I am tired of being nice, and constantly getting cr*pped on in reply.
I say sadly because I was doing so much reading this week on practicing forgiveness, thinking that was the only way I would find peace. Yeah.... the idea of forgiving just doesn't seem possible right now.
So I don't think that I necessarily needed to call him and tell him what a "f***n pr*** he is...... but I do believe in saying what you mean, and meaning what you say, and that just means standing up for yourself the best way you can.
Yes, I am tired of being nice, and constantly getting cr*pped on in reply.
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KP- You're so sweet.
I am feeling a little better. Oddly I just got off the phone with a friend who had apparently spent the last 3 hours on the phone with XA.
Of course he was drinking throughout the phone call..... and by the end my friend said he was definitely on the way to drunk.
So, there is no doubt that my X called him out of all that transpired between us this past couple of weeks, and he knows that this person speaks to me all of the time. So he apparently went on about how he felt when he sent the apology, and that he meant it, but afterwards he just wasn't sure if it was smart to actually speak to me because he didn't want to open the wounds again (quack quack)
He relayed to him that he blocked me and the reason he did..... which apparently is because his girlfriend is a very jealous woman.
He relayed that he's really trying to get his act together, and just thought that going down that road with me would just be too hard.
Our friend is a very nice guy, and I have a lot of respect for him.... and he wanted me to know that he just felt XA was being really sincere. And for the most part he said that he knows that he only called him because he wanted certain things to be passed on to me.
Well, knowing XA the way I do....and the way he has treated me, I told him that it is impossible for me to think that he is being sincere at all. He may be saying things because he feels guilty, and to sooth his conscience, but actions speak a lot louder than words.
He also told him that he and his gf were thinking about moving and he wanted to go to law school. Well, great for him.
I am anything but bothered by any of this, because it just told me that no matter what he is saying... what he is doing is sitting at home and getting drunk while watching tv.
KP- How are YOU doing?
I am feeling a little better. Oddly I just got off the phone with a friend who had apparently spent the last 3 hours on the phone with XA.
Of course he was drinking throughout the phone call..... and by the end my friend said he was definitely on the way to drunk.
So, there is no doubt that my X called him out of all that transpired between us this past couple of weeks, and he knows that this person speaks to me all of the time. So he apparently went on about how he felt when he sent the apology, and that he meant it, but afterwards he just wasn't sure if it was smart to actually speak to me because he didn't want to open the wounds again (quack quack)
He relayed to him that he blocked me and the reason he did..... which apparently is because his girlfriend is a very jealous woman.
He relayed that he's really trying to get his act together, and just thought that going down that road with me would just be too hard.
Our friend is a very nice guy, and I have a lot of respect for him.... and he wanted me to know that he just felt XA was being really sincere. And for the most part he said that he knows that he only called him because he wanted certain things to be passed on to me.
Well, knowing XA the way I do....and the way he has treated me, I told him that it is impossible for me to think that he is being sincere at all. He may be saying things because he feels guilty, and to sooth his conscience, but actions speak a lot louder than words.
He also told him that he and his gf were thinking about moving and he wanted to go to law school. Well, great for him.
I am anything but bothered by any of this, because it just told me that no matter what he is saying... what he is doing is sitting at home and getting drunk while watching tv.
KP- How are YOU doing?
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My ex constantly did this email apology thing, "I've realized I was wrong" stuff but he never really meant it, it was just a way to rope me back in. My new policy with anyone is once you have the fight that shows you are incompatible, you need to cut the cord, and permanently.
Can you delete him from your account and just cut off contact with all mutual friends etc? Not necessarily permanently but at least until your world is complete without him...
Can you delete him from your account and just cut off contact with all mutual friends etc? Not necessarily permanently but at least until your world is complete without him...
To thine own self be true.
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I am angry with him... I am angry with myself...
I do NOT want to feel this way in my life; this constant feeling of insecurity and anxiety.
I learned that I do not need to hear him say to me that he is sorry....I do not need for him to validate what I was to him, because I KNOW that I was the best thing that he will ever have.
I learned that though I have set backs, it is my choice for how long it takes me to pick back up and move on.
I learned that he hasn't changed at all..... but I have changed quite a bit.
I have learned that I still have a future ahead of me that does not include mixed signals, manipulations, passive aggressiveness, lies, smoking and drinking.... and that is something to be grateful for.
I do NOT want to feel this way in my life; this constant feeling of insecurity and anxiety.
I learned that I do not need to hear him say to me that he is sorry....I do not need for him to validate what I was to him, because I KNOW that I was the best thing that he will ever have.
I learned that though I have set backs, it is my choice for how long it takes me to pick back up and move on.
I learned that he hasn't changed at all..... but I have changed quite a bit.
I have learned that I still have a future ahead of me that does not include mixed signals, manipulations, passive aggressiveness, lies, smoking and drinking.... and that is something to be grateful for.
I have learned that I have CHOICES and that I make my own choices EVERY day, even when I am not AWARE that I have. I used to attribute EVERYTHING that happened to me to something outside of MYSELF (Google "External Locus of Control"). Now I realize that most everything that happens in my life relates to MY OWN wants, dreams and desires. Accordingly, I honestly believe that alcoholic guy you are talking about is gone because you WANTED him gone. Weren't you DONE with him a LONG time ago? Think about that for a while before you answer "No."
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Learn, wow.
Accordingly, I honestly believe that alcoholic guy you are talking about is gone because you WANTED him gone. Weren't you DONE with him a LONG time ago? Think about that for a while before you answer "No.
This stuck a cord with me. I have another thread going "I need to spend more time here"... so, I am going to post my thoughts under that thread so that I don't have two threads running here and taking up space!
Accordingly, I honestly believe that alcoholic guy you are talking about is gone because you WANTED him gone. Weren't you DONE with him a LONG time ago? Think about that for a while before you answer "No.
This stuck a cord with me. I have another thread going "I need to spend more time here"... so, I am going to post my thoughts under that thread so that I don't have two threads running here and taking up space!
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