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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Newbie to group
Alright where to start here,
My DH has been an alcoholic since we met 14yrs ago. At first when we were young I thought he just was having fun and drinking beers with the guys. About a year after we were married he started coming home plastered after work stopping off to have "drinks" with the guys. He then had a DUI (not his first) and I told him enough. That year he lost both of his parents from cancer so I tried to cut him some slack and told him he would have to quit drinking and he did for awhile (or at least I think he did). Fast forward several years-- Last mothers day he suffered a head laceration and I had to bring him to the ED. I was in total shock and very embarrassed when they told me his BAC was .35 He was home all day and I did not see him drink at all!! How could be be so drunk and I did not even notice??
I told him last year that I would not stand to watch him put our family at risk by drinking. (We have 3 kids). He stopped again for a while and for the past few months I have noticed he is drinking again. He does not drink all day long and takes a "trip" to the garage every night before bed where he downs close to a liter of vodka. I have been keeping a log of his drinking for the past two months. I hear him at night falling out of bed trying to get to the bathroom. (Mind you I have been sleeping on the couch for years because his snoring is so bad when he drinks). His alcoholism has also ruined our intimate relationship as it has added to his impotence. (I am in my mid 30's and would prefer not to give up this part of my life)
As bad as it might sound he is a great guy, loving husband, and fantastic father. None of our family or friends know about his alcoholism. He certainly hides it from me and always denies drinking when I ask. I have yet to confront him with the bottles. I know that I am enabling him by not confronting the situation. I am angry that he is lying to me about drinking (part of the disease I know) and my anger at him makes me consider leaving but deep down I love him and would be devistated to leave. I have asked him in the past to get treatment but he always denies a problem says he can stop. How can I get him to want to get treatment or admit it's problem?
On the otherhand I am terrified that one day one of our kids will wake up to find him with a cracked skull from stumbling into the bathroom. He only seems to drink once they are in bed but at some point they are going to figure out what is going on. I don't think leaving him is the answer to his illness but allowing him to continue on this path with the potential to affect our children is something I am not willing to risk. Then again leaving will have a huge impact on our kids who I honestly don't think know he even drinks.
This SUCKS!! I feel myself getting depressed and others have noticed my unhappiness. Does anyone have any suggestions on the best way to approach the matter? Thanks for any input.
My DH has been an alcoholic since we met 14yrs ago. At first when we were young I thought he just was having fun and drinking beers with the guys. About a year after we were married he started coming home plastered after work stopping off to have "drinks" with the guys. He then had a DUI (not his first) and I told him enough. That year he lost both of his parents from cancer so I tried to cut him some slack and told him he would have to quit drinking and he did for awhile (or at least I think he did). Fast forward several years-- Last mothers day he suffered a head laceration and I had to bring him to the ED. I was in total shock and very embarrassed when they told me his BAC was .35 He was home all day and I did not see him drink at all!! How could be be so drunk and I did not even notice??
I told him last year that I would not stand to watch him put our family at risk by drinking. (We have 3 kids). He stopped again for a while and for the past few months I have noticed he is drinking again. He does not drink all day long and takes a "trip" to the garage every night before bed where he downs close to a liter of vodka. I have been keeping a log of his drinking for the past two months. I hear him at night falling out of bed trying to get to the bathroom. (Mind you I have been sleeping on the couch for years because his snoring is so bad when he drinks). His alcoholism has also ruined our intimate relationship as it has added to his impotence. (I am in my mid 30's and would prefer not to give up this part of my life)
As bad as it might sound he is a great guy, loving husband, and fantastic father. None of our family or friends know about his alcoholism. He certainly hides it from me and always denies drinking when I ask. I have yet to confront him with the bottles. I know that I am enabling him by not confronting the situation. I am angry that he is lying to me about drinking (part of the disease I know) and my anger at him makes me consider leaving but deep down I love him and would be devistated to leave. I have asked him in the past to get treatment but he always denies a problem says he can stop. How can I get him to want to get treatment or admit it's problem?
On the otherhand I am terrified that one day one of our kids will wake up to find him with a cracked skull from stumbling into the bathroom. He only seems to drink once they are in bed but at some point they are going to figure out what is going on. I don't think leaving him is the answer to his illness but allowing him to continue on this path with the potential to affect our children is something I am not willing to risk. Then again leaving will have a huge impact on our kids who I honestly don't think know he even drinks.
This SUCKS!! I feel myself getting depressed and others have noticed my unhappiness. Does anyone have any suggestions on the best way to approach the matter? Thanks for any input.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
(((wife))) hugs from one wife to another!!
Your story reminds me of MY story! Funny our names are similar, too...
My AH is not abusive. He's very responsible. No DUI's. No problems. In fact, I haven't seen him drunk in years. Yet, he drinks. (Click on my name and More Posts to see my original posts.)
My coming here has had me recognize my participation in the whole thing. My denial. My overlooking and minimizing because I love him and I didn't want to be married to an alcoholic that hid alcohol and drank in secret. But, that's what I have. SO, on to dealing with it in a good way.
I am journaling and have been going to therapy and Alanon and working the steps. My husband (surprisingly) has agreed to couple's counseling and we are meeting the therapist next week.
I don't want to divorce. But, at the same time, I want to come out of my codependency and denial. I want to stop putting my needs and concerns away because of his. I want to stop denial and avoidance of issues because he can't handle it. I want to speak out if I need to. I want to honor my needs. I want to have those expectations in my relationship and if he can't meet them, I have to honor that, too, and get them met outside of this relationship or somewhere else. I want to have "minimum standards" because I hold myself in high regard and know that I deserve them. If he can't comply to minimum standards, then I will leave the relationship to honor myself.
All this is new (4 months now), and although the process is VERY traumatic, I also feel a blossoming in myself. A hope and positivity is growing. A self love and respect for the deep and courageous work it takes to change oneself. We rock - all of us - for being here and braving to look at junk that is so scary and sad.
So welcome. Continue on with your courage. You will meet tons of other wonderful and wise pioneers on this board who will stand beside you and remind you YOU CAN.
Check out the stickies at the tip of the forum and get a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will blow your mind (in a good way).
Yours,
wife
Your story reminds me of MY story! Funny our names are similar, too...
My AH is not abusive. He's very responsible. No DUI's. No problems. In fact, I haven't seen him drunk in years. Yet, he drinks. (Click on my name and More Posts to see my original posts.)
My coming here has had me recognize my participation in the whole thing. My denial. My overlooking and minimizing because I love him and I didn't want to be married to an alcoholic that hid alcohol and drank in secret. But, that's what I have. SO, on to dealing with it in a good way.
I am journaling and have been going to therapy and Alanon and working the steps. My husband (surprisingly) has agreed to couple's counseling and we are meeting the therapist next week.
I don't want to divorce. But, at the same time, I want to come out of my codependency and denial. I want to stop putting my needs and concerns away because of his. I want to stop denial and avoidance of issues because he can't handle it. I want to speak out if I need to. I want to honor my needs. I want to have those expectations in my relationship and if he can't meet them, I have to honor that, too, and get them met outside of this relationship or somewhere else. I want to have "minimum standards" because I hold myself in high regard and know that I deserve them. If he can't comply to minimum standards, then I will leave the relationship to honor myself.
All this is new (4 months now), and although the process is VERY traumatic, I also feel a blossoming in myself. A hope and positivity is growing. A self love and respect for the deep and courageous work it takes to change oneself. We rock - all of us - for being here and braving to look at junk that is so scary and sad.
So welcome. Continue on with your courage. You will meet tons of other wonderful and wise pioneers on this board who will stand beside you and remind you YOU CAN.
Check out the stickies at the tip of the forum and get a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will blow your mind (in a good way).
Yours,
wife
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
We are glad you are here. Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
The three C's of addiction helped me understand where my role ends and the alcoholics begins. They are:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
My role in the marriage was to take care of myself and protect my children from alcoholism. I had stopped taking care of myself and protecting my children because I was so focused on the alcoholic and everything he was doing. I was always trying to orchestrate time off from work to postpone the inevitable drunk. I was always walking on eggshells and trying to get the children to join me so that we wouldn't cause him to drink too much when he got home from work. Ugh! I was a hot mess. I forgot to take care of me!
Our friend Wife (above post) has worded it well concerning giving up your one precious life to accept unacceptable behavior from your life partner.
I woke up to my personal reality and finally said:
My life is as important as yours
My happiness is as important as yours
My comfort is as important as yours
Now, about the comfort. I too was leaving my nice comfy bed and sleeping on the couch. I finally started sleeping on the air mattress when he had been drinking because of the freight train snoring. I finally remembered I was important and stated my new boundary. You can drink all you want, but you will not sleep in bed with me. A locked bedroom door was his reminder that I was serious.
Setting boundaries is not about changing the other person, but protecting ourselves from unacceptable behavior.
Your husband chooses to drink vodka to excess. He is an adult and can live his life as he chooses. You will not be able to change him. You can change yourself and how you interact with him. You are not enabling him by not confronting him, but enabling him by allowing him to continue to drink to excess and have the bed to himself, have you there to cook, clean, discipline children, etc. You are making it okay with you by leaving your own room each night. Let me ask you this, who washes the sheets on the master bed?
If I stay in an unacceptable situation, I am condoning it. If I remove myself from an unacceptable situation, I am taking a stand for what is important to myself.
We are glad you are here. Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
The three C's of addiction helped me understand where my role ends and the alcoholics begins. They are:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
My role in the marriage was to take care of myself and protect my children from alcoholism. I had stopped taking care of myself and protecting my children because I was so focused on the alcoholic and everything he was doing. I was always trying to orchestrate time off from work to postpone the inevitable drunk. I was always walking on eggshells and trying to get the children to join me so that we wouldn't cause him to drink too much when he got home from work. Ugh! I was a hot mess. I forgot to take care of me!
Our friend Wife (above post) has worded it well concerning giving up your one precious life to accept unacceptable behavior from your life partner.
I woke up to my personal reality and finally said:
My life is as important as yours
My happiness is as important as yours
My comfort is as important as yours
Now, about the comfort. I too was leaving my nice comfy bed and sleeping on the couch. I finally started sleeping on the air mattress when he had been drinking because of the freight train snoring. I finally remembered I was important and stated my new boundary. You can drink all you want, but you will not sleep in bed with me. A locked bedroom door was his reminder that I was serious.
Setting boundaries is not about changing the other person, but protecting ourselves from unacceptable behavior.
Your husband chooses to drink vodka to excess. He is an adult and can live his life as he chooses. You will not be able to change him. You can change yourself and how you interact with him. You are not enabling him by not confronting him, but enabling him by allowing him to continue to drink to excess and have the bed to himself, have you there to cook, clean, discipline children, etc. You are making it okay with you by leaving your own room each night. Let me ask you this, who washes the sheets on the master bed?
If I stay in an unacceptable situation, I am condoning it. If I remove myself from an unacceptable situation, I am taking a stand for what is important to myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
hello and welcome to SR.
I have nothing much more to add but would like to reinforce whath the others have posted.
I too was sleeping outside of my own bed and very firmly defined a new boundary. I told my AP (now EX) to get out of my bed if he insisted on drinking. He chose the drink. I got to sleep in my own bed, clean fresh sheets no disturbance.
Codependent no more by Melody Beattie was well worth reading to me and I highly recommend it.
I have nothing much more to add but would like to reinforce whath the others have posted.
I too was sleeping outside of my own bed and very firmly defined a new boundary. I told my AP (now EX) to get out of my bed if he insisted on drinking. He chose the drink. I got to sleep in my own bed, clean fresh sheets no disturbance.
Codependent no more by Melody Beattie was well worth reading to me and I highly recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hi there,
I am sorry, you must be in a lot of pain. I would like to point this out:
You have asked what you can "do" to have a change happen. But, you did already tell him that you would not stand to watch this, then stood and watched. For a year. I know you feel powerless against this monster alcoholism, and the truth is, you are. You also said that he denies it is a problem and can stop. So, that leaves.....he doesn't want to.
Every single one of us here will say that you really have no control over his drinking, and that you cannot "make" him want to seek treatment. You can give him an ultimatum, but he still gets to decide whether to quit or not. And if you do, you need to be willing to follow through -- or else it is another idle threat.
Also, you said you would be "devastated" if you left him. Are you not devestated with the way things are currently?
You have options. Keep coming to this site. There are a lot of very smart people who will help you get to the bottom of what you can do.
I am sorry, you must be in a lot of pain. I would like to point this out:
Originally Posted by WifeofaAH 
I told him last year that I would not stand to watch him put our family at risk by drinking.
Every single one of us here will say that you really have no control over his drinking, and that you cannot "make" him want to seek treatment. You can give him an ultimatum, but he still gets to decide whether to quit or not. And if you do, you need to be willing to follow through -- or else it is another idle threat.
Also, you said you would be "devastated" if you left him. Are you not devestated with the way things are currently?
You have options. Keep coming to this site. There are a lot of very smart people who will help you get to the bottom of what you can do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
I too was no longer sleeping in the same room as my husband. He chose to move into the basement where he could drink around the clock, like in his own apartment.
Choose to help yourself. Us women will find that the person out there who will swoop in to save us is in fact ourselves, and we can do it.
Choose to help yourself. Us women will find that the person out there who will swoop in to save us is in fact ourselves, and we can do it.
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