1234

Hi everyone.

Do any of you have any ideas about how to figure out if we are giving up on an alcoholic too soon?

I'm only 3 months into dealing with my sister-in-law's decade of secret alcoholism, but I find myself feeling like I don't really want any contact with her at all.

I'm mad, disgusted, and mad. Did I say mad? I seem to be stuck in the mad part. All of the heart wrenching sympathy I felt when I first found out seems to have evaporated. I'm in this weird place where I don't blame her, but I'm still just so mad. What do I do with that?

She's in denial, and will probably be forced into treatment. She knows I "know", but we've avoided each other since the **** hit the fan. Pretty soon I'll have regular family interactions, though, and I'm dreading it. I'm so mad and freaked out - how can I possibly act normal? And why do I have to, considering I'm being lied to?

So part of me feels I should minimize contact. I've felt lied to and manipulated for many, many years, though I blamed it on problems other than alcoholism. I was better able to deal with feeling manipulated when I thought she had depression, health, and self esteem issues. Then again, I often felt pretty icky after we talked. These are very subtle emotional-type manipulations and misrepresentations that I'm talking about here. She's like a genius that way. I don't know how to make a boundary about such subtle things.

What's fair here? All of my defenses are on high alert. This part of me feels like protecting myself until she is well and clearly in recovery. Maybe it's just because I'm an ACOA?

Anyone want to share insight on this? Any ideas what to say? She'll ask what's going on if I withdraw, so I'll have to be explicit. Eeek. Relating to an alcoholic is so confusing.

Thanks,
1234

LaTeeDa

I think we codies tend to confuse letting go with "giving up." Letting go is good, and healthy, and usually the right thing to to. But, it feels like giving up.

It's perfectly okay to protect yourself and your serenity. It doesn't mean you are giving up. There is nothing to give up. You don't have the power to make her recover anyway. By letting go you are showing her that you trust her enough to take care of herself.

L

wicked

Wow, high alert is what i call it too. I am an ACOA too.
Also codependent and a recovering alcoholic. had to run the gamut. lol
i agree with protecting yourself until she is well and in recovery.
maybe when you say something, keep it simple and along those lines.
"sorry sis, i need to keep my distance until you are in recovery."
easier said than done i know. i feel your pain though.
beth

ChildrenB4AW

All of your emotions are normal. It's a very difficult situation. My wife is an alcoholic and we are back in the denial phase after 3 trips to rehab, some jail time, etc. I have found that Alanon really helps you focus on your needs, allows you to separate yourself from the A, and not get caught up in the BS. This will be a long process with steps both forward and backward. Your emotional well being shouldn't be based on whether the A "Gets it". That's up to her. If you focus on yourself, and avoid trying to control the situation, you'll find that you can detach in a loving manner.

Learn2Live

Aw geez these are difficult things to go through. And there are no right or wrong answers. You will know the answers for YOU when you know them. Every situation is different but so much the same, you know? Recovery is a process, just like life. You fall down, you pull yourself back up, you try it again. Sometimes you keep trying different things but you fall down again anyway. But that's OK. The secret is to KEEP TRYING, keep searching.

All that other stuff, the feelings of resentment, anger, like you've been duped, etc. (although I KNOW exactly how you feel), really won't matter in the end. What matters is finding the healthy balance for YOU, and as you do, all those feelings will then come under control. Unfortunately, for so long so many of us become and stay so wrapped up in our feelings we never let go. It's hard, I know, I did this for so long.

It sounds like you KNOW what is the HEALTHIEST choice for you in this situation (Good! Trust your instincts) But you are hesitant because you do not know how OTHER PEOPLE are going to react.

As long as you are not thinking that if you cut ties with this woman your life will be in danger, go ahead and give it a try and don't worry so much how someone else is going to react. She's not going to come over and beat you up or burn down your house, is she? I always tell people, Follow Your Heart. That doesn't mean put yourself in harm's way; it means ask yourself what is important to you in your heart. These are your values. You want to act in unison, in concert with your values. If one of your values is to treat others with kindness, then act according to that value. Remind yourself of your values and you will KNOW exactly HOW to treat your sister-in-law. Do you value being treated kindly by others? If so, then treat others kindly. The rest will fall into place.

Let go of your FEAR. It sounds like you are afraid that family gatherings are going to be difficult or uncomfortable if you do this. So what? If people want to feel uncomfortable, let them. Maybe you are afraid others will side with her or blame you and you don't want to deal with that. Well, honestly, people who blame and take sides probably are not healthy people and may even be toxic. Perhaps it is time for a spring cleaning. Perhaps it is time for you to create NEW family traditions.

Like I said, it's a balance that you only learn by practicing. I had to do this the last two years of my life. It was VERY hard but I DID IT!!! And I am actually PROUD OF MYSELF for the FIRST time in my life. I am proud of the way I handled getting a severely addicted and alcoholic person out of my life. I was able to do it with minimal drama, hurt, screaming, crying, minimal everything I used to do.

I was fortunate enough to be granted the opportunity to practice this with someone VERY near and dear to me, someone I KNEW loved me. Probably someone much like your SIL.

You can do this. Try out them new Recovery Legs.

1234

I love reading your thoughtful replies! Thank you for taking the time to think about my situation. I really appreciate it.

You encouraged me to follow my instincts and heart, LearntoLive. Sometimes I think I know what that means. In my dream, it would mean me having the courage to tell the whole truth about my feelings and what I see happening. And just doing that once. It would mean being supportive and kind while maintaining cordial communications. (How much communication, I don't know.) It would mean not getting angry or scared or blameful. It would mean doing all I can to make sure the child involved is as protected as he can be. I get inspired just writing it.

But reality involves me being really terrified and angry. Not feeling like a strong person. Wanting to run away from it. Feeling sick - delicate - like I only thrive when surrounded by emotionally healthy people. Like I have ZERO capacity to be around people who are lying to themselves and me, and who are unable to see how they're hurting others. I'd rather think of myself otherwise. It's disappointing.

To focus on myself, I've been coming here, going to AlAnon meetings, and reading Courage to Change. And studying up on alcoholism. It's a lot of input, but I feel like I need to be doing more output. I suppose that might come with doing the steps with a sponsor? I'm feeling really ready to take directions, so feel free to share ideas for stuff I could do.

This is exciting stuff to mull over. It really is a chance to grow, and you people are such an inspiration to me.

1234

1234

What a beautiful thing to read. Thank you for sharing that.

Learn2Live

You ARE courageous. Remember the Lion in the Wizard of Oz? He always had it, didn't he? He just needed the chance to try it out.

You CAN tell the whole truth, can't you? Maybe the whole truth is not meant to be told to exactly the person or people you imagine? Maybe the whole truth just needs to be told to SOMEONE?

You CAN be supportive and kind without being codependent and getting walked all over.

Fear and anger have the same source. Maybe that is another part of you to investigate. Don't think you have to do all of this all at once. Let yourself take baby steps. Remember you are going to try something, fall down, but you get back up again and dust yourself off and try something else.

Ooh, I'm not going to touch the child issue. That is a TOUGH one for me. MOST DEFINITELY follow your heart on that one. This one taught me what is my responsibility, what I can and cannot control, and what is my business.

I think you are "fortunate" or "blessed" (whichever one means the most to you) that this is your sister-in-law, who you care about but from whom you can practice detachment more easily than it might be to detach from a spouse or significant other. I think that is very telling about the lesson you have been confronted with.

I KNOW what you are talking about!! I have Always been a rather timid person when it comes to confronting people about my feelings. I have always avoided mean people; except when they hurt someone OTHER THAN me. I have always been GREAT about defending other people; not so great about standing up for myself. I get to crying and shaking and all that nonsense, lose my cool, and just start screaming. But eventually, after almost 30 years of this I have trained myself to be stronger than that.

I still choose to STAY AWAY FROM toxic people; I am VERY sensitive to toxic people. It takes minimal interaction with them for me to know someone is toxic. Perhaps there is some small thing you can do to practice a new you, a stronger you, with this SIL. Or, maybe this lesson is to teach you how to walk away with grace.

I wish I could tell you what lesson you are supposed to learn from this, but alas, only you can determine your own lesson. I am so very glad that you are on this journey. Keep up the good work!

1234

I've thought a lot about this; I'm so grateful my alcoholic isn't my spouse, or worse, child. It's a pretty manageable dose, in a manner of speaking. Other people have so much more at stake.

Sometimes I feel kind of embarrassed to be so upset. I am taking my learning opportunity seriously, but I don't face any really negative consequences if I sit tight. Because of that it really comforts me to hear you tell about your low threshold for toxicity. That's exactly how I feel.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words!

1234