Rosie08

Here goes....

Hi all, I'm so glad I found this site.....so much advice and so many people going through the same thing thats been eating away at me and slowly driving me insane.

Im a 30 year female pharmacist no kids and never been married.

My partner (36 years old) of 3 years whom is now my fiance, is a binge drinker with 2 kids from a previous relationship.

At this moment in time my so called fiance is out drunk somewhere and I don't know where! I was half hoping he was dead somewhere because of the pain and shame that is brought upon me.

It started on saturday night the 20th march and he is still missing. Where, why and who with ? I dont know.

he's been doing this Since we met over 3 years now. His pattern of drinking is, he will be sober for about a month the shortest time and has been sober for upto 4 months max.

When I first met him he would drink around every 4-5 weeks for a whole week.
He'll drink on day one and possibly carry on for day 2 in some really shabby run down pubs who have known him for the past 14 years or so. Who still serve him alcohol and he'll be surrounded by down and out bums leaching drinks and probably cocaine from him.

Then he will go to his sisters house when he physically cant stand up and he'll sleep and then go straight back on the ale. he will do this for 4-5 day then be hungover and have the 'horror's for 2 days. So all in all it takes a good week out of our relationship/life.

He owns several properties which are on rent as well as taxi's that bring him a good wage. So day to day he doesnt actually need to get up for work say like a 9-5. He has no money issues and has a comfortable lifestyle.

When he's not drinking he goes to the gym everyday and channels his addictive personality through working out. He is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for he's an amazing dad. So caring and puts everybody else first. He's a great brother to his sisters a great son to his dad.

My issues are that we can be having the best relationship ever. He will make me breakfast most days, do the food shopping, and other odd jobs at home while im at work. He will spoil me and shower me with gifts. he likes to 'look'after me in such a way that im dependant on him. But I work and have my own money and im quite independant. I used to be so confident with guys and wasnt too bothered if I was dating or not. But my partner has got me in such a way that I just can't physically see me leaving him. As i'm afraid I could never meet anyone who treats me so well when he is sober. But its killing me watching him drink his life away.

Each and everytime he has been on a so-called 'bender' I cant sleep, eat or drink. wondering where he is, or if something has happened to him. As i don't see him for days.

In the past when he has turned up at the house drunk he is never violent we just ignore each while he carries on drinking. Till he 'snaps' out of it! Then he's so sorry and promises he'll never do it again and like a mug I take him back because I love him so much.

I feel so let down when he promises me that he wont drink again and then breaks his promise. the reason I hate him drinking is not only is he gonna kill himslef. But I believe he cheats on me. I've found text messages from another woman on his phone and he denied it. That was when we never lived together. My father had died and he went missing drinking and when i caught up with him i found all these messages in his phone. Which he denied.

I asked him to go to rehab in uk after that incident, we had only been dating a year or so. And he went for 2 weeks and was sober for 5 months till he relapsed.

We have both been out drinking together on a night out and I have stayed with him and brough him home. But then I literally have to stay with him and babysit him for the next day or so. so he doesnt go and drink again. and he's been fine a day or so later.

Its come to a point where we live together but dont go out as much as im too scared to take him to bars or clubs. As i dont want him to go missing.

the last time he went on one was a month ago and before that was august 2009. So he has been getting better as the gaps were getting longer. As he's trying so hard. He wants to be married and to have children to me. The thought of kids is petrifying me!! As im scared he'll my kids down as well as his own.
We have our wedding booked in st lucia in april and Im seriously thinking to cancel it. As He has not changed and I dont think he will cos i always take him back. he hasnt bothered to go to any meetings or do anything on his own accord. he just trys to stay sober as long as can until he gets the 'itch' to drink again.

Im just so fed up of going through this rigmorole again and again. Crying myself to sleep thinking why me, I get so embarassed to think that im doing a professiomnal job while my husband to be is out drunken to a stupor somewhere.

Im thinking do I need to leave him, cancel the wedding and make hit rock bottom? To let him knwo he's lost me as well as his ex to drink?? As its only going to get worse unless he fixes himslef. I dont think he understands he needs to bastain completely from alcohol.....he thinks by having a few beers he can get his head down which he has down in the past. He reckons its vodka that makes him change to mr jekyll......so he tries not to drink vodka??

I know that it's not my fault that he drinks and I can NEVER cure him. he is an addict

But the last time he was out drinking he came home after one night and i heard him saying to his friend the next morning that he was kissing a girl in a taxi outside our house while i was in bed.....i saw red and completely flew at him with punches, threw a drink on him and cried for hours. I though after all this. I take your 2 kids on, your addictive personality and comit to want to marry to you...and you brag to your friend you was kissing a another girl in a taxi? so off he went on a binge for about 4 days this time.

Again he pleaded with me he'd never drink again and he didnt want to lose th ebeast in his life. That he just selfish.

Then 5 weeks later he was supposed to be minding his kids. i went on a girly night out and when i got home at 3 am he wasnt there neither were his kids. I rang his phone and it was switched off!! I was drunk myself and i cried myself to sleep thinking he was with another woman.

then he must have come in 5/6am and i again launched myslef at him throwing things at him and punching him. Ive turned into a lunatic as i dont trust him.

And now 6 days later an dno sign of him, nobody has seen him.

Im thinking enough is enough...............I physically & mentally cant do this anymore.......im wishing him dead but at the same time wish everything was ok...as i love the sober version of my fiance.......

None of my family are aware of what he does or i think they will dis own me for staying with him....

so confused....

please any help is welcome

is there hope???????

lots of love a hurt woman.....

suki44883

So sorry you are dealing with this. This sounds like a very toxic relationship. I agree that you should cancel the wedding. Who wants to be married to someone who's gone half the time, drinking and seeing other women? The relationship sounds like a disaster.

IamSaved

I am sad, and very sorry to hear you are going through all this pain.

You must ask yourself if you are willing to live this way for the REST of your life? Can you accept him as an addict, binge drinker? Can you accept that he is cheating on you? Can you accept that this is exactly how your life will be if you marry him?

Please, cancel the wedding. Step back, take a long, hard look at what the life with this man would be like.

Better to be alone, than to be in the middle of a destructive marriage! Save yourself, and save your future children from this madness!

Please, find an AlAnon meeting, and keep posting here! You can PM me if you need to.

Run like you stole something, far and fast from this ticking time bomb!

Peace and ((HUGS)) to you!

Rosie08

Your so both right, i just dont know why I'm hanging on in there.


My father used to drink alot at home as he never worked and he used to hit my mother, it was petrifying......living with a drunk.

I so dont want my children to go through this.

Im finding it difficult to stay strong and get rid of him. Im ashamed of what people might think of deciding to get married and then cancelling the wedding as if im a failure.

I was trhinking to give him an ultimatum. Me move out and stay away from him. Then ask him to stay sober for a year by getting help and maybe we can get togther.

I cant believe Im dating an alcoholic & cheat and I cant seem to walk away....because of f*****g LOVE????

what a joke........

im thinking to go to counselling to get my courage and confidence up to leave him.

thanks guys......any inspiration is so helpful

xxxxx

Cowgirl1265

If you marry this man, this is the life you can expect to have forever.


Do you see how these two statements are contradictory? YOU can't make him hit his bottom. His drinking is not yours to control or cure, it it HIS issue.

Remember the three C's that we talk about here on SR: You didn't CAUSE his drinking, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it.

Should you cancel the wedding? The way I see it, you have a choice. You can choose to marry this man and legally tie yourself to a life where you will be pretty much guaranteed to repeat this cycle over and over. OR you can cancel the wedding, start going to Al-Anon meetings, detach from your ABF and concentrate on putting YOU and YOUR LIFE back together.

It is very normal codependent thinking to believe that no one will ever love us the way our addict does. The sad thing is, no one but another addict could possibly love us that way, or cause us so much pain in the process. This kind of love isn't really very loving, is it?

"Fixes himself" is the key term here. IF and WHEN he hits his bottom, he very
well may do just that. Or he may, on a bender, drive a car and kill someone.

I have been there, "wishing him dead." When I heard myself saying it outloud while my husband was screaming at my children one day I realized that if I could wish him dead, then I didn't really love him anymore. I hated him more than I loved him and if we stayed together the only thing that could possibly come of it was more pain, more hatred, and a destroyed family. I chose to end my relationship and let him destroy himself.

When the ship is sinking, do you drown with it or swim to safety?

There IS hope for you.

nodaybut2day

hi there...and to SR! I'm so glad you found this place, especially considering the timing involved in your dilemma.

Again, let me repeat the 3 C's of addiction for you:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

Look at your situation and re-read your post. There is evidence there that you have tried a number of things to try to control this man's addiction, and it's obviously failing. I definitely think counselling could help you, and so could the support found an at Al-Anon meeting.

Regarding your wedding, I see no shame in cancelling it if it's to avoid a LIFETIME of this rollercoaster you're living now. If/when people ask why, you can tell them exactly what's going on. I'm pretty certain "I cancelled the wedding because my fiancé is a binge drinking alcoholic" will shut most people up.

Please don't beat yourself up for having trouble leaving the relationship or calling off the wedding. Much in the same way that your fiancé is addicted to alcohol, you are addicted to him and his drama. Have you considered reading "Codependent No More"? It's an eye-opening read...

I do hope you come back and keep us posted!

IamSaved

Rosie...

Never be ashamed or worry about what others think of you. THEY do not have to live YOUR life. And beloved, your life with this man will be filled with pain, regret, unhappiness, addiction and doubt.

Cancelling a wedding is temporary, the pain only lasts a little while. From your posts, marrying this man will cause you nothing but a lifetime of grief. And what about children? If you have children with this man, is THIS the kind of father you want your children to have? I didn't think so...

Please, confide in someone you trust. Do you have a good church family? Is there someone who can help you move out, and get you into a new place where you have some peace and clarity?

I am so sad for you. PLEASE do not marry this man. Please! You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this! You are staring down the barrel of a loaded shotgun..please get out of the way before it kills you!

suki44883

How could you be considered a failure for refusing to tie yourself legally to someone who binge drinks, cheats, and disappears for weeks at a time? Anyone who would think badly of you for that needs to have their head examined.

IamSaved

FindingPeace1

Hugs to you! What awfulness!
I will say this - you are thinking about ending it now, while he is away, but as soon as he comes home and starts making breakfast, I'm guessing you'll feel waffley about your feelings...at least that's how it is with me.

So think now while he is away. Think about the things you have told us.

This is not healthy for you; you see that.
AND he is fabulous when he is fabulous. I totally get it! My husband is fabulous when he is fabulous, too. And I have thought, how do I divorce a man I just vowed to be with forever when it's only been 3 years???!? It made me feel ashamed and foolish and/or cold-hearted and fickle.

But as I think about it, I can only be where I am now. I couldn't see what things were then. I meant my vows with all my heart. I wasn't lying. I wasn't holding back. And now I see that things are now what they seemed and the alcohol and other communication problems are bigger than I thought. I am growing. That is a GOOD thing. (You being here and admitting your concerns is a GOOD thing, even if it hurts!) So I have to honor where I am right now, as much as I honored my vows that day. So, if I have to leave, I have to and there is NO SHAME in my wedding day. It was a beautiful thing and I meant every word. I am proud of that day. I am also proud of who I am being right now.

For you, be proud of accepting his hand. You did it with all the knowledge and love you had at that day. Now you are somewhere new. And the POINT of an engagement is not just time to buy wedding magazines and dream. The point is to really take time to look and think and choose wisely. It is much easier to extract yourself pre-wedding than post-wedding, just as it is easier to extract yourself pre-kids than post. (Click on my name and Read More Posts to read my first few posts and see people's responses. I was in a similar situation, but thinking whether to have kids.)

Alcoholism is progressive. Chances are it will be this level of yuck or worse.

You deserve all the great things.
You also deserve someone that doesn't make you feel crazy and awful.
As much as it seems impossible to believe, those great things can come with many choices for a partner...WITHOUT the misery. Do you believe you are worth the great things without the drama?
You can't make him be the partner you want without the ICK.
You CAN say you deserve a certain standard of behavior and you won't settle for less.

Baby steps. The action is the hardest part. You could consider postponing the wedding until you see recovery on his part. Many folks recommend one year sober and actively working a recovery program before they will get involved again.

Hugs
w

Learn2Live

IMO 30 is the PERFECT age for you to raise these questions in your life. It is the SAME age I was when I went through this. I am sad for you but I am EXCITED for you too! Because I know that if you play your cards "right" and decide to enter and work your own Recovery, you just have such WONDERFUL, healthy, new life experiences ahead of you.

You cannot make someone hit rock bottom. If you are thinking that the healthier choice for you may be to not marry this person, and perhaps get away from him, then it would behoove you to make these decisions for YOURSELF and NOT to FORCE someone else to do or stop doing something they are doing.

He probably already knows why he is not married to his previous spouse.

Yes, alcoholism is a progressive disease.

Right. This is the nature of the disease. The thinking you describe is termed "Denial" and is strengthened through the use of false or faulty rationalizations.

You may want to look into A.A. for yourself. It is probably difficult to separate the bad behavior (flying at someone with punches, etc) resulting from your own drinking, from the bad behavior in REACTION to him. EITHER WAY, this is a VOLATILE combination and I suggest taking two GIANT steps out of it and getting yourself some help.

Can you see the contradiction in your feelings? You wish him dead but love him? Where does this contradiction come from?

Of course there is hope. There is always hope. When I was in this situation, I had to address MY OWN drinking first. I had to take care of my SELF first.

bdiddy5522

From a males perspective, I say leave. Right now all you have is emotional attachment. Don't wait until there are kids, joint property, etc. It is only going to get worse until he decides to change. I know that is not the answer you want to hear, but I think you need to hear it. You know what you should do. Best wishes and prayers. Alcoholism is terrible, it really is. But it is the most important thing in his life right now. Do you really want to be second best to a liquid?

Freedom1990

This is what really caught my eye. Alcoholism is a family disease. That is, it affects everyone around the alcoholic.

I carried patterns into my adult years from my childhood years, even though I was sure that I didn't.

I left my abusive EXAH when I went to rehab (I am also a recovering alcoholic/addict), but unfortunately I did not address the issues for so many years that kept me picking out extremely unhealthy relationships.

So, I repeated the same mistake over and over, only with different men. Each one I rationalized wasn't the 'same' as the EXAH. In reality, they were emotionally unavailable at best, and abusive at worst.

My best suggestion would be to get your hands on "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, find Alanon meetings in your area - start attending regularly, and check into some individual counseling with someone who is knowledgeable with alcoholism and the family dynamics.

I finally hit my codependent bottom when my then fiance (a dry drunk) walked out on me and my youngest daughter after 15 months, and left us broke and devastated.

You deserve the good things in life, and that includes a partner who is physically, emotionally, and spiritually well!

:ghug3

Gold

Oh Rosie. What an aweful situation.
I am so glad you have joined us on SR.

I want to say sooo much. PLease read everyones responces carefully. We have been where you are to varying degrees. We understand.

This is not going to get any better. Please do not marry this man.

I understand this. my XAP sober was a wonderful loving generous man but that does not make his drinking acceptable. It is actuallly manipulative making you settle for crumbs in exchange for extended periods of drunken confusion , lies, infidelity, mistrust. I loved him but I did not trust or respect him.

Who gives a rusty root what others think of your life decisions? Only you have to live with the consequences of your choices, and any children you have. Why try and save face only to live the next 30-40 years in misery. No one will thank you for that.

Have you considered reading Codependent no More by Melody Beattie?

Personally i found great support in telling my trusted friends and family members what was going on. i needed their support. it took me some time to finally end the relationship but their support was wonderful as i went through the process.

Freedom1990

She doesn't have any kids, my dear. He has 2 from a prior marriage.

Spiritual Seeker

" He wants to be married and have children with me. The thought of kids is petrifying me "

Here is my brutally honest opinion: This situation is petrifying for a reason ! Why on
earth would you have a wedding date set or be discussing bringing babies into this ?
You're relationship has become a co-dependent dance, and you are becoming as sick as him as you have learned to react to living with an alcoholic. You try to make the unacceptable work:
" I literally have to stay with him and babysit him for the next day or so. so he doesn't go and drink again."
Stop hanging on to the tail of a tornado. Let go.
Alcoholism is progressive as you can see.

Back away and see how crazy making your thoughts of keeping him safe and away from drinking are.

Certain behaviors are non-negotiable for me when choosing a mate.
What are yours ?

Do you want a husband that you will be babysitting?

If your guy isn't working on recovery then you can make the choice to separate from him and get emotionally healthy. He will choose to join this path with you or not.
You have a big decisions to make. Best to you that you make the right ones that allow you have have a serene life.

Spiritual Seeker

" I cant believe I'm dating an alcoholic & cheat.
My father used to drink a lot and he used to hit my mother, it was petrifying......living with a drunk. "
You are prob. dating this man because it is what is comfortable on a level you don't yet understand.
Stop trying to fix this man and go fix yourself. That is how we make our lives wonderful. Do the work to see your part here for that is what you have control over and that is what will give you the life you want.

Your situation is familiar to many of us, including me. I married a man with the same dysfunction as my dad and then had a child with him. What a mistake.
Luckily, I left, took my own inventory, did the work through alanon and therapy to get the joyful life I deserve.

I stopped looking at the sick part of someone else and had the courage to look at my our own stuff.

Rosie08

Right guys, I've woke up today desperate to see whats been written on here and thank you thank you thank you.....for all your replies.

Its everything that has been in my head, is on here in black white, confirming what I have been thinking over and over again and clarifying that I'm not going mad.

My intuitions are correct what I feel in my gut and what my head tells me....is right.

Rip out my heart and put it in the freeezer, defrost it when I've helped myself and give it to someone who deserves it.

Reading all of the above comments carefully and taking in what everybody has said to me........

I can now see how....

My partner is so manipulating and he tells me everytime I want to leave, that any guy I meet will only have problems too. And that ''Not every relaionship is perfect'' he tries to brainwash me by saying look at people's financial situation....and look at ours...we're comfortable I'll always look after you......how ironic.....when im his ''carer'' in disguise.

I need to get out of this and meet someone who is going to make me happy and not feel guilty for there actions. Thank God for the three C's on here....im slowly feeling a glow inside of me.....I can do this.

Its forward only now.......I'm a do-er not a dreamer and much to my amazement, as pointed out I must be adicted to his drama or I wouldn't be here.

The world is my oyster and this 36 year old alcoholic cheat with extreme issues and baggage is holding me back, weighing me down. Driving me mad. Trying to manipulate me all the time.

I can do this, Im young, educated and deserve the best thats out there. Why am I crumbling due somebody else's illness, IM NOT sick!

Ok what to do next....using all this positive information.

Its 9am in liverpool uk, that ***** is still out and no word as to where he could be.(hope he's dead)

No 1. I have a list of al-anon meetings in and around my area, I have meeting times.

No 2. I need to find a counsellor I can have a one to one with, to get me out of this co-dependace state im in and to realign my train of thought to what values my great and wonderful mother has raised with me with. Even though she is biased and wants me to marry into my culture and religion. God love her she is still willing to accept my descion to marry this (unknwown to her) alcoholic partner.

No 3. Im going to buy this book by Melody beattie-co-dependance no more, to read on my flight, I'm off to vegas on monday for a friends hen party for a week. My partner was supposed to give me a lift to the airport and has let me down.

No 4. Need to switch my mobile phone off and leave it in UK so he cant contact me, so I can have a week to enjoy myself to plan my great future ahead minus the addict.

No 5. The most difficult one, to confront him head on and tell him I'm going. No, if's or but's. No ultimatums, I dont even want him back even if he stays sober for a year or 2 years....

I cant live with somebody, who makes me paranoid every night wondering if and when he's next going to drink again and cheat on me and leave me desolate worrying where the hell he is.

I'm 30 not 21 I havn't got years to spare waiting for him to sort his crap out!

I want to start a family and NOT be held back and I certainly dont want him to be the father of my kids.

Im still young, with no ties, loyal and hold I down a great job that provides for me. Im not worthless. I'm capable of meeting someone else. I need to face him and leave him and never look back.......fingers crossed.

There's so many issues I need to address within myself, as mentioned above so many times. I need to make myself emotionally, spiritually and physically strong gain. Instead of trying to normalise these crazy & unhealthy actions.

I feel like I'm an outcast really as I was brought up in a strict muslim family, both my parents are pakistani who had an arranged marriage. Who never really loved each other but just kind of stayed together because thats what they had to do. Always worried about what everybody else was thinking. scared to be divorced. Instead my mother was physically and mentally abused by my father for over 30 years. All because she didnt have this kind of support and was probably petrified to speak out as she wasnt herself. She was someone my father had manipulated to become. I could cry for the hurt and pain my mother has suffered. My father is not here anymore, I never spoke to him from the age of 14 had no relationship with him and quite frankly hated him till he died.

I feel like the hate I had for him and the torture he put us through as a family is still with me through my partner's alcoholism. Even though my father is dead. I couldnt wait for him to die so I could be freed from the anger and hatred I had towards him. And now its all back but coming from somebody of whom I'm madly in love with.

Am I cursed I ask myself.....as I chose not to follow my faith or any pakistani traditions.

Instead I did quite the opposite never mixed in any pakistani or muslim circles, as i was always afraid of being judged. I drank and took drugs as a teenager dated anything but muslim or asian men. All because I hated being controlled and being told what to do by this male chauvenist.
As my dad wasnt the nicest man to live with he was bipolar and crazy. So I had no respect for him. Like I have no respect for my partner but still kind of love them?

And now im 30 I hardly drink only on occasions but I don't get myslef into states, ive grown out of all that crap. No more drugs and Im now actually settling for a white man with 2 kids who is a binge drinking alcoholic addict.

My mother has actually told me a few days ago that its quite embarassing for her to tell her friends and our family I'm accepting a white man who is not muslim with baggage. For her daughter who is young with no baggage and yet so educated.

If only she knew what he puts me through month in and month out.......

I dont think my partner will ever hit rock bottom, truth beknown as he got this cycle down to a fine art. No one cares if he throws his life away and hurts so many people around him. Except me the victim. Now I can see that cancelling the wedding wont make him hit rock bottom. Excpet probably drink more and just let the same people do what they've been doing for the last 15 years. Minus me.........

Jadmack25

Run....Run now, and keep on running.

Putting this man's ring on your finger, will be putting yourself into a horror movie and make you a slave to the misery that is alcoholism and abuse.

You have the chance at freedom right now, TAKE IT and RUN.

God bless

FindingPeace1

No 1. I have a list of al-anon meetings in and around my area, I have meeting times.

No 2. I need to find a counsellor I can have a one to one with, to get me out of this co-dependace state im in and to realign my train of thought to what values my great and wonderful mother has raised with me with. Even though she is biased and wants me to marry into my culture and religion. God love her she is still willing to accept my descion to marry this (unknwown to her) alcoholic partner.

No 3. Im going to buy this book by Melody beattie-co-dependance no more, to read on my flight, I'm off to vegas on monday for a friends hen party for a week. My partner was supposed to give me a lift to the airport and has let me down.

No 4. Need to switch my mobile phone off and leave it in UK so he cant contact me, so I can have a week to enjoy myself to plan my great future ahead minus the addict.

No 5. The most difficult one, to confront him head on and tell him I'm going. No, if's or but's. No ultimatums, I dont even want him back even if he stays sober for a year or 2 years....

Wow! You badass! When you take it on, you TAKE IT ON!
Well, that's a BIG change in a short time. If you can pull off all that in one fell swoop, I will personally nominate you for SR poster child!
Keep us updated. I'd love to see you happily ever after.

Hugs,
w