MissFixit

Hi,

I wanted to pose a question to everyone.

Do you feel jaded after being involved in your alcoholic or abusive relationship?

For anyone many years out, does this feeling ever leave or is it a permanent change?

How many years before you felt "normal", whole or light-hearted again?

Miss

bookwyrm

This is a timely question for me too - thanks for asking it!

I've been struggling with my depression lately. I'm feeling hollowed out after 18 years with XAH. I don't know what I want, who I am, where I'm going etc. I'm just coasting along, doing what I need to, to get though the day, wondering 'is this it?' with no motivation to actually do anything about it...

Carol Star

I don't feel jaded . I do think of the disease as a beast or the devil. The beast/devil has my XAH and he is not the man he could be. He is not his potential, never thoroughly grew up,became responsible, developed morally....... whatever. I did start living again despite circumstances after I let go. I remember hearing myself laugh out loud when out with a couple of girlfriends. I had been seperated from him a year and a half. It took some work; step work, Alanon, therapy, prayer, a sponser who "had a stungun"....no.... but she was good at making me see the reality of the situation. I was getting sober myself so I had a dual situation going on. I know that beastdevil personally. I don't take my X's (illness) personally. I know at some level he loved me but I can't l ive like that. I know the power of the disease. He's just sick. For some reason he can't change his choices.

CAPTAINZING2000

Did you ever read the story about the little girl walking along on a real cold day and picking up a snake on the ground??

My ex knew I liked to drink and smoke pot. I wasn't hiding it before we were married.

I'd urge anyone in a relationship if, your b/f or your g/f is drinking way too much or using party drugs to think about where they want to go with it.

Don't be hoping to change someone it's not going to happen

MissFixit

Thanks.

I am actually thinking more along the lines of what Bookwyrm wrote. Not thinking about the exA or the relationship, but about ME and where I am.

I am afraid that I don't have the skills to take care of myself. I don't want to bring anyone into my insecurity, but am scared that this feeling won't pass.

CAPTAINZING2000

I stayed in a bad marriage because i knew it was going to be a struggle with child support etc. Having kids in the picture made it harder!

NYC_Chick

I felt jaded for about a year after, although we were still in contact. Once I decided to let go fully, I stopped resenting him for what I allowed him to do. I'm thanful for the relationship now because it got me to a much better place. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. It was a path I needed to take.

RollTide

MissFixit, I know exactly what you are talking about and thanks for bringing it up. My relationship was not abusive. I was simply blinded by the jealousy and the insanity of living with an alcoholic. I am now recently divorced after six years and still in contact with my XAH. I find that I have lost my confidence and direction. I used to know exactly who I was and what i wanted and how to get there. I made it happen. Now I'm slowly trying to be the person that I used to be. I remember her and I really liked her. I just want to be her again. I hope this makes sense.

CAPTAINZING2000

There's a story in the Big Book of AA about nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Was there a lesson here for you to learn? Why do good people get attracted to people that are sick in their behavior?

From what you said, be thankful you're no longer with him.

FindingPeace1

I don't know if jaded is the right word...but I was noticing last night that my joie de vivre is deflated. I know myself as a bouncy, enthusiastic, delighted character. I know my AH as a flat line or slightly negative person. When I listen to his words for his attitude, I hear his negativity. I think I have been influenced by that.

Thanks goodness I am working in my favorite National Park this summer (for 5 months, actually!) and I will remember delight!

MissFixit

I think that maybe I wonder if I lost the person I used to be. I don't know how to get her back. I go through the motions of positive behavior, but something isn't right. Don't know how to describe it, but others must feel this way too. It isn't that I want my relationship back, it is that I am now uncomfortable in my own skin and have no idea why. Does this pass? If so when?

It feels like I just exist now, but am not happy, enthusiastic or motivated for the future. It doesn't have anything to do with my ex, but this feeling started when we broke up. It has to do with me. Did individual counseling which helped, but whatever is still lingering has to do entirely with me.

I am just wondering for those who have been out of the madness for several years, does this feeling stop or do you just sort of accept it?

CAPTAINZING2000

Are you going through a learning process by this??
Everyone should take self examination of themselves.
You mentioned, you were no longer happy. That's an inside job.
How do you start your day off? Do you pray or meditate?
Ever consider doing volunteer work???

nodaybut2day

I'm not one with years of experience in this process as I only left XAH on October 31, 2009. I'd simply like to speak to this sentence:

I think that maybe I wonder if I lost the person I used to be. I don't know how to get her back. I go through the motions of positive behavior, but something isn't right.

Perhaps your process won't be about getting the person you used to be back, but rather about discovering a *new* more resilient you. I think I understand how/why you feel "jaded"; I too struggle with this but it comes at me in the form of emotional fatigue. It seems that when I take the time to fully acknowledge my fatigue, explore it and live in it that it lightens up a bit and I feel a smidge of hope.

JMO

NYC_Chick

My therapist tells me the uncomfortable means I'm going beyond where I was, so it's good. Maybe you are not comfortable with crazy chaos anymore and there is still some of that in your life.

FindingPeace1

I am IN the process, so I can't speak to after, but having been through rounds of depression and coming out of it, I can speak to that.
I think we wrap up our happiness and attention on THEM.
When they are gone or sad or angry or whatever, we feel lost and sad.
I think the work is to find OUR happy. Follow our bliss, to be cliche.

I know when I am in my park ranger uniform, for example, and I am giving a program, I have SUCH a feeling of enthusiasm and pleasure. It's the happiest thing I can think of. Countless people have come up to me and said, "Gee! You are so...enthusiastic!" LOL!
One spiritual leader said if you make a list of the things that worry you most in the world and a second list of the things that you are good at or bring you job, putting something from each list together will give you a calling or avocation.
I have found that to be true. For me, the meaningfulness of sharing our relationship to nature with people, combined with my love of public speaking, and working in a beautiful environment where my job is to play and have fun with people...well that just lights me up.
What lights you up? What makes you crack up? What holds meaning for you? What brings you joy and delight? What do you love doing? What absorbs you to the extent that you lose track of time?

CAPTAINZING2000

There is something to that. Some people love the drama. My coworkers get worked up over the slightest things. WTH.


Forgot to ask, ever work out?? Got a friend to go jog or walk with etc. ??

bookwyrm

I think, for me, its still a lingering depression. My marriage was abusive. Now that he's gone I 'should' be happy, free, diving in to life and finding out who I am etc etc. I'm just so tired of it though. No motivation to actually do any of the fun stuff, just coasting along. Don't want to get back with him. I'm trying to not even think about him, with some success.

I hope I'm just expecting too much too soon. Whenever I use the 'should' word to describe how I'm feeling, my counsellor always pulled me up about it. It means I'm being too hard on myself.

Missfixit, thanks for this thread. I thought that maybe there was something 'wrong' with how I'm feeling. I'm on the 'other side', my life 'should' be wonderful. There are some good success stories in the stickies but I don't remember anyone who was free of their alcoholic talking about these feelings before. What am I doing wrong? I guess I have to finally heal. It took me 18 years of marriage to XAH to get into this state, its going to take me a while to heal.

MissFixit

Thanks.

I do work out. I walk or run depending on my mood. Exercise makes me feel good physically and does help to clear my mind. Being outside is a joy to me. The cold winter (I live in the south where it never gets as cold as it has been this year) has been awful. My blood is thin and I never want to be outside in the cold.

I like watching movies and trashy reality tv, reading, cooking and playing with my dog (my susbstitute child). I actually like to run around doing errands, weird egh (sense of completion/accomplishment)?

NYC_Chick

A suggestion, though this may not fit for you. I stopped watching reality tv when I started really heavy recovery. This is because as a Codie, I was addicted to chaos. When I started to get healthier, I had a very low tolerance for any drama. Reality shows stressed me out and triggered me. I rarely watch tv, unless it's movies or documentaries now and it helps me to keep even.

CAPTAINZING2000

In AA they suggest we do this one day at a time . However, everyone still should have goals to strive for .

Got a bucket list??


YouTube - The Bucket List Trailer