Carol Star

I think I had a kind of PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder/syndrone) for a while. I was afraid to live alone, and real sad. My therapist put me on 5HDP (seratonin). I still take it to keep my brain chemistry straight. Yeah I was mentally/verbally abused by XAH and physically beaten by my Dad growing up. So in the marriage the similarities did a number on me. It was scary. DEJA view.

LaTeeDa

For me, these questions were the cause of my anxiety. I kept asking myself these questions, and I didn't have the answers. I had been so lost in my husband's alcoholism for so many years, I literally did not know who I was or what I wanted.

Once I finally broke free, I wanted so badly to find myself. And I felt very envious of others who knew who they were and what they wanted. Why couldn't I figure it out?

I often have to remind myself to live in the present moment. To be grateful for where I am now. To relax and let things happen, rather than always trying to get somewhere.

There's nothing wrong with not knowing what you want. There's nothing wrong with not knowing what's next for you. It's okay just to be where you are right now.

L

Gold

I am not sure what you mean by Jaded? Is it a feeling of anger, sadness, depression? How does it feel for you. What I am wondering is this part somewhere of the general grief process or has your perception of the world, others and self changed?

I am not jaded per se. I am cautious about future relationship but actually feel wiser and more prepared to not step in and adopt the codie role again.

freefalling

After 2 years out I still feel jaded at times. I know that there is no other way than to work through the feelings. I still work through the grief. The depression I feel is slowly but surely turning into acceptance. It is a process. I allow myself to feel my feelings - and then I go on with living my life. It is a process - called life. I was not feeling as well after the separation as I expected to feel. I only started to break through the denial after the separation. There are no quick fixes. Took me 46 years to be good to me.

We do recover!

Freedom1990

I guess I could say I felt jaded for quite some time. When the ex-fiance walked out, the devastation was more than I could describe.

When I got past that feeling, I couldn't tell you. I'm sure we all have individual 'time lines' if that makes sense.

I found that as I progressed in my own recovery and started making changes in my codependent patterns, that feeling did start to ease up.

It was a gradual process.

chrisea

more cautious... let go much sooner.

I look at how - will I live the Remainder of my life.

MissFixit

Wow. Lots of heavy questions.

I move forward, but then I step back into questioning what the hell am I doing? Anyone who makes me wince gets put in the "I need to keep away from you" pile.

Lately, several people (well intentioned) have questioned why am I not dating and why am I not more motivated in my career? I don't want to be questioned about those things. I think about them everyday and work towards being in a positive space. Really all I wanted this past year was to get up each day, not have panic attacks, not mope and beat myself up. My standared for myself has changed. I have not wanted to push myself as I did it for years and hit a wall. Nothing that I was working towards is in my life now.

So, I am just trying to be quiet and peaceful. I used to be pretty outgoing and career driven and much of that is gone. I really appreciate just being still (I had panic attacks following the break up and crazy crying outbursts periodically for about 10 months). I was told by a counselor that I was depressed and grieving.

Now I am nowhere near the state I was in, thank God! However, I am not where colleagues and family think I should be.

Thanks for all of the support. I am glad that (in this stage too) I am not alone in how I feel.

Bolina

I can’t thank you enough for this thread. For the first time in years, something clicked in me when I read the posts on here and I almost physically felt the shift inside me. I don’t even know which post or phrase did it, but there is a lightness in my soul that I haven’t felt in years. Kinda odd, actually.

I have been in and out of a funk for the past few years after leaving an alcoholic and have lacked the motivation to do anything about it. It felt a bit like depression, but somehow I knew the relief would come from inside, rather than pills. Jaded is a great word to describe it.

Being involved with a manipulative and “taking” individual (my analogy is like the alien spaceships in Independence Day – swoop in, take everything of value, then move onto the next target) threw everything I thought I knew about myself, other people and how the world works into complete disarray. I have learned some incredibly valuable lessons, although some of those now mean that I don’t always fit in with the average Joe which makes life hard sometimes. Learning how to operate in the world with what feels like a whole belief system transplant is daunting and very tiring. I can’t go back to the old me, because it was the old me that got me into that mess in the first place. But who is the new me?

I didn’t realise just how much pain I have been carrying from the knowledge that I was a target. The sense of stupidity and naivety has been sitting deep in my psyche for years, it seems, clouding my ability to trust in my judgment and has meant that all my fight and drive has left me. The chatterbox in my head reminding me, in an anti-Loreal mantra, that I am not worth it. It is a close cousin to the “rejected by the reject” problem – how stupid must I have been to be a sitting duck for this man?

Of course, my head has known for years that this line of thinking was crooked. My heart just needed to catch up. And today, I think it just made a burst for the finish line. I foresee a weekend of heavy journaling to haul it in through the tape.

That was a bit of a stream of consciousness so I hope you get where I am coming from. It felt good to get it out.

TakingCharge999

Thanks Miss. ((Hugs))

I am with LTD in that it is ok to be in this stage. I recall when my then roomie broke up with his BF the same day, like.. 2 weeks later she was already partying, going out with a diff guy each day, etc and she even told me "funny how you're taking it really bad" well SHE had maaaaaaaaaany months to get bored and angry and indifferent and she didn't see him anymore... but I recall feeling inferior because she moved on and seemed happy as ever while at this point.... I sometimes go back to the thought of him or a particularly bad memory (or good memory which is often worse). Not that I wallow in there but thoughts come.

This is what has helped me.
- helping others. how? giving my company to somewhat lonely ladies that need someone to listen.
- yoga. ever tried yoga? it has a lot to do with being ok while slightly uncomfortable...
- bach flowers. they have taken out the doom cloud I carried above me. right now I got flowers :

- to give others less importance
- to let go of the past
- to look pretty (lol its true)
- to let things pass without wallowing on them
- to make me less slow and more active

Now I take advantage of every day to the fullest and enjoy all the passing moments in the day.. well not ALL, but am way much more motivated now.

Perhaps its worth a try? there's much literature on that, bach flowers are approved by the WHO world health organization. Just some natural ways to balance the subtle energies...

I also bought a Selenite lamp, which is said to have many healing properties. I SWEAR since I turn it on I no longer fight with bf or myself. Even the cats get sleepy and peaceful, believe me for Gabanna that is almost impossible lol.

IT may be a placebo... I don't know... just sharing the things that have made a difference to me

I think this is tough stuff and 1, 2 years is NOT much time at all. In fact Miss I think you and me are doing wondefully given all the BS.......

transformyself

I can relate to the identity crisis aspect of this question. Who am I now? Where is my life going? For me, when faced with facing the reality of my life- my choices, where I've been and where I'm going- it seems my frame of mind is getting better.

Initially, I spent time grieving, feeling unlovable and hopeless.
Then slowly I had moments of hope.
I"m in the reverse of that right now. Living mainly in hope and excitement with my new life, with rare moments of fear and pain.

Do not give in to this. Complacency is a choice, but I don't see you as being one to settle for a mediochre life , or however that's spelled. Simply by saying, "I'm afraid this won't pass," you're giving it permission to stay.

Fear like this will perpetuate the state you're in. Fuel it.
The best advice I can give you is to not accept this state. Keep working. I know that sounds laughable, considering all the work we've had to do to un-codie ourselves, but seriously, make you your next best project, ever. Determination can break this spell, however that plays out in your life. Whatever it means to you. I love my Bikram yoga, which teaches me I can do things i never thought possible. It's hard, very very hard, but it keeps pushing me and propelling me along.

You're a source of great wisdom and comfort here and I know you can find your way out of this!

Jadmack25

I lost the person I had been, and had become a sad and faded copy of that woman. At first I desperately wanted to return to who I once was, but no matter what I did i couldn't do it....You see I had experienced something that woman hadn't, and like all experiences it makes changes in a person.

The person I once was, had been naive and knew nothing about the effects of alcoholism, either on the alcoholic or people like me, involved with them.

The woman I had been, was open to getting involved all over again, and I realised that I wanted back some of my past persona, but I needed other parts to grow up, wise up and be able to avoid the misery in the future.

I have worked on this and am getting there, slowly but surely.

I will never be who I was before alcohol came in to my life, and God willing, never be who I was whilst it controlled me.
I hope to keep what was good from the past, and have new qualities that together make a happy, contented and stronger woman.

God bless

TakingCharge999

Living mainly in hope and excitement with my new life, with rare moments of fear and pain.

L2L, lately that has happened to me as well and its a WONDERFUL FEELING after much darkness.

I read comments on making efforts... and also on contentment and letting it be... I guess wisdom is built, when you can choose action or non-action based on what YOUR needs are... its an individual thing...

I also notice you have done a lot of work.. mentally you are in a much better place than before... physically I know you walk your dog or run... what are you doing spiritually?

transformyself

Well my Dear, after learning yesterday that the rental house I fled to after leaving Ah (and hoped to raise my children in) is being foreclosed I'm working furiously to keep from falling into that black hole of being jaded.

All that crap I said above? forget it. Life sucks and we just do the best we can to deal.
Somebody smack me...

Gold

Smack

Jadmack25

Tut tut, naughty girl Transform. You know better, don't you.

I won't smack you this time, but don't do it again.

God bless

CAPTAINZING2000

How old is your kids? A judge surely won't toss you into the streets without a littletime to locate another place to live would he?

MLady9999

Sometimes I am scared that having been married and a codie to my AH for 10 years has ruined me for the future. Then I realize that the courage to leave has secured by future and I get excited. I am scared, excited, depressed, exhilarated, sad, hopeful, and a million feelings all at once. I think I am a human being, therefore, and forgive myself. I tell myself I'll be ready for another relationship someday.....