My wife drinks too much, and I have no idea where to start.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
Tuesday, October 12, 2010 ~ okay, so I was wrong about the rock bottom part. She got drunk last evening and all that she said on Saturday night ~ was all bullsh*t ~ as always.
She broke down Saturday afternoon and it seemed as though most of her 'break down' was about me. She kept telling me that she was sorry for being an a**hole and if anyone should not want to wake up in the mornings ~ it should be me. She said that if I hated her ~ she didn't blame me if I did because she would ~ if she was me. She said she felt bad for the way she treats me at times and was very apologetic. I couldn't accept her apology and that just made her angry at the times I didn't say anything to her when she asked me "if I forgive her." She cried most of Saturday evening but proceeded to get drunk as she was expressing her 'feelings' ~ which I was in shock about because I didn't know she had those anymore. Hell ~ I am not sure that if she really does have them ~ period. I think she was just running her mouth ~ to hear herself speak because I wasn't really saying anything to her. Now ~ if she was in my mind ~ she would have gotten all kinds of words ~ and answers and my feelings. Anyways ~ regardless of her actions now ~ her words and etc... ~ I can't believe in anything she says to me anymore ~ except her negativity. That ~ I am a firm believer in.
On that note ~ I am going to end this post now. I have to get to work. Someone has to pay the bills.
She broke down Saturday afternoon and it seemed as though most of her 'break down' was about me. She kept telling me that she was sorry for being an a**hole and if anyone should not want to wake up in the mornings ~ it should be me. She said that if I hated her ~ she didn't blame me if I did because she would ~ if she was me. She said she felt bad for the way she treats me at times and was very apologetic. I couldn't accept her apology and that just made her angry at the times I didn't say anything to her when she asked me "if I forgive her." She cried most of Saturday evening but proceeded to get drunk as she was expressing her 'feelings' ~ which I was in shock about because I didn't know she had those anymore. Hell ~ I am not sure that if she really does have them ~ period. I think she was just running her mouth ~ to hear herself speak because I wasn't really saying anything to her. Now ~ if she was in my mind ~ she would have gotten all kinds of words ~ and answers and my feelings. Anyways ~ regardless of her actions now ~ her words and etc... ~ I can't believe in anything she says to me anymore ~ except her negativity. That ~ I am a firm believer in.
On that note ~ I am going to end this post now. I have to get to work. Someone has to pay the bills.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I was at a lunch meeting today, (AA) and a guy who has been sober for 6 weeks said his wife told him he either quit drinking or they would split up. Apparently she was not the type to make idle threats so he went into rehab and is following up with AA.
Is there someone's couch you can sleep on for a while to get away from this situation?
If you told her it was either quit drinking or you are leaving, would you follow through?
I told my husband I was sorry for all the drinking and the consequences, but I knew "sorry" wasn't enough. I knew that, for me and my sanity, for my family, for a way to avoid an early death, I had to add the rest of the sentence: "I'm quitting".
Until she is sick and tired of being sick and tired....she is not going to change. Sadly, it sounds like she enjoys the drunken drama. I did, until I got tired of embarrassing myself.
I would recommend one simple thing you can do until you come to some more lasting decisions: don't tolerate the drunken ramblings.
Go out and catch a movie or have a meal somewhere with a friend. Whatever someone says while three sheets to the wind is just nonsense.
Is there someone's couch you can sleep on for a while to get away from this situation?
If you told her it was either quit drinking or you are leaving, would you follow through?
I told my husband I was sorry for all the drinking and the consequences, but I knew "sorry" wasn't enough. I knew that, for me and my sanity, for my family, for a way to avoid an early death, I had to add the rest of the sentence: "I'm quitting".
Until she is sick and tired of being sick and tired....she is not going to change. Sadly, it sounds like she enjoys the drunken drama. I did, until I got tired of embarrassing myself.
I would recommend one simple thing you can do until you come to some more lasting decisions: don't tolerate the drunken ramblings.
Go out and catch a movie or have a meal somewhere with a friend. Whatever someone says while three sheets to the wind is just nonsense.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Los Cabos, Mexico
Posts: 34
Have we heard from the OP of this thread?
Bit concerned ...
Anyways, love has nothing to do with it except that it would appear, the alcoholic does not love themselves. Yes they love us ... but their love for us isn't enough. They need to find their own individual rock bottom.
Bit concerned ...
Anyways, love has nothing to do with it except that it would appear, the alcoholic does not love themselves. Yes they love us ... but their love for us isn't enough. They need to find their own individual rock bottom.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
so, we get the sweetheart for about 10 days a month?
You could be with someone that often just dating weekends and not be supporting a drinking lifestyle.
I do not ever again want to live with someone who cannot be kind every day.
You could be with someone that often just dating weekends and not be supporting a drinking lifestyle.
I do not ever again want to live with someone who cannot be kind every day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Los Cabos, Mexico
Posts: 34
... which is why I am so glad that my mom is moving out Friday. She's finally sober (for now), but she's still just as unpredictable as when she was drinking with her "love".
We all deserve kindness everyday. Would we stay in a relationship with someone who treated us this way and didn't have the alcoholism excuse?
We all deserve kindness everyday. Would we stay in a relationship with someone who treated us this way and didn't have the alcoholism excuse?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
Wednesday, October 20, 2010 ~ I haven't written for a few days due to me being tired of all of her bullsh*t. I have been sick and I just can't seem to shake whatever is wrong. And with each time she drinks ~ I get worse and I'm just tired of it all. So ~ when one is sick and tired of it all ~ why write about the same thing all the time? I have come to realize ~ that she will never change. The words she speaks ~ should just remain unspoken.
The stress of everything has been very overwhelming. Bills ~ work ~ HER ~ has just taken it's toll. I know what I need to do and have been working on it. She is going to have a rude awakening one day ~ and then maybe ~ just maybe ~ with the next person she brings into her life ~ she will rethink her drinking. Maybe the next person will be more important than the "BOTTLE." For some reason ~ I am finding that statement to not be so true.
The stress of everything has been very overwhelming. Bills ~ work ~ HER ~ has just taken it's toll. I know what I need to do and have been working on it. She is going to have a rude awakening one day ~ and then maybe ~ just maybe ~ with the next person she brings into her life ~ she will rethink her drinking. Maybe the next person will be more important than the "BOTTLE." For some reason ~ I am finding that statement to not be so true.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi TMVANCE
sorry to hear you're feeling this way. But nothing changes if nothing changes.
Active alcoholism is madness, and you're too enmashed into it, and thus unable to see things clearly.
You need to take a step back, a fresh start in your life. I suggest starting new thread here too. Try concentrating on yourself and not her. You can not change her or anything about the way she lives her life. But you can start working on yourself, and than I promise new good things will be revealed to you. So start talking about you, what do you want out of life, can you have that and if not what is there that you can have and be at peace with. And I don't mean just leaving her, I mean to think about all things that are making you - you, and what can you do to make yourself better for you. You're planning to leave, but emotionally you're still stuck, at least that is my impression, and that will not change until you give yourself permission to change it.
In in regard to next person being or not more important to her than the bottle, hun, her alcoholism has nothing to do with love or the lack of it. I know how great my RAH's love for me is, but still that never made him stop drinking. It simply doens't work that way. Nobody can be loved to recovery by you or any other person. Diferent things make diferent A's stop, but love for someone else is not one of them in my experience. She has to want it for herself more than anything else in the world.
I know all too well how hard it is to live the way you're living now, but you are the only person that can change that.
Take care
sorry to hear you're feeling this way. But nothing changes if nothing changes.
Active alcoholism is madness, and you're too enmashed into it, and thus unable to see things clearly.
You need to take a step back, a fresh start in your life. I suggest starting new thread here too. Try concentrating on yourself and not her. You can not change her or anything about the way she lives her life. But you can start working on yourself, and than I promise new good things will be revealed to you. So start talking about you, what do you want out of life, can you have that and if not what is there that you can have and be at peace with. And I don't mean just leaving her, I mean to think about all things that are making you - you, and what can you do to make yourself better for you. You're planning to leave, but emotionally you're still stuck, at least that is my impression, and that will not change until you give yourself permission to change it.
In in regard to next person being or not more important to her than the bottle, hun, her alcoholism has nothing to do with love or the lack of it. I know how great my RAH's love for me is, but still that never made him stop drinking. It simply doens't work that way. Nobody can be loved to recovery by you or any other person. Diferent things make diferent A's stop, but love for someone else is not one of them in my experience. She has to want it for herself more than anything else in the world.
I know all too well how hard it is to live the way you're living now, but you are the only person that can change that.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Active alcoholism is indeed "madness" or "insanity". Some recover, some don't, thing is we cannot predict who will and who won't.
I am dealing with divorce and child custody with an active alcoholic. Her mentation and logic remains twisted and warped. She speaks with vulgar language and lives in a fantasy world full of lies that she creates.
Sorry for you and the person you love but don't forget, you/we have no control over them.
I am dealing with divorce and child custody with an active alcoholic. Her mentation and logic remains twisted and warped. She speaks with vulgar language and lives in a fantasy world full of lies that she creates.
Sorry for you and the person you love but don't forget, you/we have no control over them.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
TMVance: how are you today?
Isn't it really time for you to think about yourself? Have you thought about making some major changes? It will be difficult and unpleasant, but so many others here on the friends and family forum have gone through the challenges of divorce, separation, etc....and they seem happier for it.
There is a wealth of support and good advice here.
Isn't it really time for you to think about yourself? Have you thought about making some major changes? It will be difficult and unpleasant, but so many others here on the friends and family forum have gone through the challenges of divorce, separation, etc....and they seem happier for it.
There is a wealth of support and good advice here.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 244
Sorry you've been sick, its probably all the stress wearing down your immune system. You are more than welcome to write the same thing all the time if you want. On my usual thread I just count the days I've been sober, cant get more repetitive then that. Thats good you been workin on what you need to due, you just keep doin you and you'll be alright.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
Saturday, October 23, 2010 ~ As of last evening ~ I believe we are officially over. She was drunk as can be and she told me that we are done ~ she is done with us ~ she is done with me. I can't say that it doesn't hurt a bit because it does. But it was her choice and I honestly took it for what it is/was.
After she got done ranting and raving over stupid sh*t ~ which alot of times she gets angry over stuff I have no clue about ~ I ended up going to bed because I was done hearing her b*tch. That was a bad move on my behalf but who cares ~ lol. I layed down at 11:30 and was back up at 3:00 a.m. She was still up. Drunk as hell. And what I saw ~ I couldn't believe my eyes. She was drinking so bad ~ she had a beer on left side and a rum and coke on her right. She didn't know what she wanted to drink so I guess she was drinking both during the time I layed down because there was beer bottles all over the counter and the gallon of captain morgan (which was half full when I went to lay down ~ was empty and in the recycling bin. All I could think was ~ "WOW - she must have had a really rough day at work? Oh wait ~ she doesn't work. Maybe she is stressed over the bills? OH wait again ~ she doesn't work to have to worry about the bills because I DO THAT!!!" Since those are things that she doesn't do ~ why was she 'double fisting' 2 different drinks? What could be so bad in her life ~ that she needed to drink that way last night?
So ~ when she got done drinking at 4:00 a.m. (Saturday morning ~ starting at 4:30 Friday afternoon) ~ she decided to go to bed. I stayed up for a bit ~ watching tv on the patio (enclosed) and ended up falling asleep on the couch. When I woke up ~ I went to the store for food and pretty much kept my distance from her today. I don't even think we said 20 words to each other but 3 of her words to me was ~ "I love you" ~ ??? I walked away thinking to myself ~ "REALLY???" After being kicked in the head with her mental/verbal abuse last evening ~ hearing her say those words to me today ~ I thought my head was going to implode. "LIAR!!!"
Anyways ~ I am cutting this alittle short tonight. I am going to try to get some sleep before work.
After she got done ranting and raving over stupid sh*t ~ which alot of times she gets angry over stuff I have no clue about ~ I ended up going to bed because I was done hearing her b*tch. That was a bad move on my behalf but who cares ~ lol. I layed down at 11:30 and was back up at 3:00 a.m. She was still up. Drunk as hell. And what I saw ~ I couldn't believe my eyes. She was drinking so bad ~ she had a beer on left side and a rum and coke on her right. She didn't know what she wanted to drink so I guess she was drinking both during the time I layed down because there was beer bottles all over the counter and the gallon of captain morgan (which was half full when I went to lay down ~ was empty and in the recycling bin. All I could think was ~ "WOW - she must have had a really rough day at work? Oh wait ~ she doesn't work. Maybe she is stressed over the bills? OH wait again ~ she doesn't work to have to worry about the bills because I DO THAT!!!" Since those are things that she doesn't do ~ why was she 'double fisting' 2 different drinks? What could be so bad in her life ~ that she needed to drink that way last night?
So ~ when she got done drinking at 4:00 a.m. (Saturday morning ~ starting at 4:30 Friday afternoon) ~ she decided to go to bed. I stayed up for a bit ~ watching tv on the patio (enclosed) and ended up falling asleep on the couch. When I woke up ~ I went to the store for food and pretty much kept my distance from her today. I don't even think we said 20 words to each other but 3 of her words to me was ~ "I love you" ~ ??? I walked away thinking to myself ~ "REALLY???" After being kicked in the head with her mental/verbal abuse last evening ~ hearing her say those words to me today ~ I thought my head was going to implode. "LIAR!!!"
Anyways ~ I am cutting this alittle short tonight. I am going to try to get some sleep before work.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi tmvance-
thanks for the update. i hope you got some rest. please, continue to write here even if its to say the same thing. we are listening and we do care. we've all lived in the chaos created by an alcoholic and we do understand how exhausting and draining it can be to all aspects of one's life.
take care of yourself now,
naive
thanks for the update. i hope you got some rest. please, continue to write here even if its to say the same thing. we are listening and we do care. we've all lived in the chaos created by an alcoholic and we do understand how exhausting and draining it can be to all aspects of one's life.
take care of yourself now,
naive
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 244
Wow, that is alot to drink, and thats coming from an ex drinker. It's gotta hurt, I'm sorry. Thats gotta be hard and confusing. lol, true if she broke up with u then you go to bed when u want. You take care! Thanks for the update
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
Originally Posted by TMVANCE 
why was she 'double fisting' 2 different drinks?
She'll drink cuz she had a bad day, she'll drink cuz she had a good day......she'll drink cuz she woke up that morning still alive, cuz it hasn't killed her yet. And she'll keep doing it until she decides to stop and then DOES something about it. YOUR love won't stop her. HER love for you won't stop her. Only HER decision to stop and get the help needed to do so will stop her.
Something that would probably help you feel less chaotic is to stop trying to figure her out. She's an alcoholic, alcoholic's drink, therefore she will drink. Trying to figure out why, trying to pin down the exact cause for that week, that day, that drink, is futile. She drinks because she's an alcoholic, period. Now you can use your private thoughts for something else, because you are released from trying to figure out why she drinks! Isn't that awesome?
Just expect it. Expecting her to not drink is setting yourself up for heartache.....and the only thing it accomplishes is making you miserable. It doesn't change anything, doesn't make anything better, just breaks your heart when she drinks again. So, stop torturing yourself, and start expecting from her exactly what she's always given. And now you are free from the self inflicted torture of wondering if she will drink today or tomorrow, how bad will it be, etc.
See how detaching from the alcoholic's chaos can improve your life? By accepting the situation AS IT IS (instead of hoping and praying and destroying yourself trying to make it something it ISN'T) you free yourself from so much stress!
Do keep coming here. I also suggest you find an alanon meeting in your area. Read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." And every single day make sure you do something that cares for YOU. It doesn't have to be huge, just something for your own sanity/health. It's so easy in an alcoholic home to spend so much energy caring for the alcoholic that we completely neglect ourselves......stop doing that TODAY!
Take Care!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 131
Originally Posted by jaguarpcb
Because she is an active alcoholic. THAT is why. THAT is the only reason.
She'll drink cuz she had a bad day, she'll drink cuz she had a good day......she'll drink cuz she woke up that morning still alive, cuz it hasn't killed her yet. And she'll keep doing it until she decides to stop and then DOES something about it. YOUR love won't stop her. HER love for you won't stop her. Only HER decision to stop and get the help needed to do so will stop her.
Something that would probably help you feel less chaotic is to stop trying to figure her out. She's an alcoholic, alcoholic's drink, therefore she will drink. Trying to figure out why, trying to pin down the exact cause for that week, that day, that drink, is futile. She drinks because she's an alcoholic, period. Now you can use your private thoughts for something else, because you are released from trying to figure out why she drinks! Isn't that awesome?
Just expect it. Expecting her to not drink is setting yourself up for heartache.....and the only thing it accomplishes is making you miserable. It doesn't change anything, doesn't make anything better, just breaks your heart when she drinks again. So, stop torturing yourself, and start expecting from her exactly what she's always given. And now you are free from the self inflicted torture of wondering if she will drink today or tomorrow, how bad will it be, etc.
See how detaching from the alcoholic's chaos can improve your life? By accepting the situation AS IT IS (instead of hoping and praying and destroying yourself trying to make it something it ISN'T) you free yourself from so much stress!
Do keep coming here. I also suggest you find an alanon meeting in your area. Read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." And every single day make sure you do something that cares for YOU. It doesn't have to be huge, just something for your own sanity/health. It's so easy in an alcoholic home to spend so much energy caring for the alcoholic that we completely neglect ourselves......stop doing that TODAY!
Take Care!!!!
She'll drink cuz she had a bad day, she'll drink cuz she had a good day......she'll drink cuz she woke up that morning still alive, cuz it hasn't killed her yet. And she'll keep doing it until she decides to stop and then DOES something about it. YOUR love won't stop her. HER love for you won't stop her. Only HER decision to stop and get the help needed to do so will stop her.
Something that would probably help you feel less chaotic is to stop trying to figure her out. She's an alcoholic, alcoholic's drink, therefore she will drink. Trying to figure out why, trying to pin down the exact cause for that week, that day, that drink, is futile. She drinks because she's an alcoholic, period. Now you can use your private thoughts for something else, because you are released from trying to figure out why she drinks! Isn't that awesome?
Just expect it. Expecting her to not drink is setting yourself up for heartache.....and the only thing it accomplishes is making you miserable. It doesn't change anything, doesn't make anything better, just breaks your heart when she drinks again. So, stop torturing yourself, and start expecting from her exactly what she's always given. And now you are free from the self inflicted torture of wondering if she will drink today or tomorrow, how bad will it be, etc.
See how detaching from the alcoholic's chaos can improve your life? By accepting the situation AS IT IS (instead of hoping and praying and destroying yourself trying to make it something it ISN'T) you free yourself from so much stress!
Do keep coming here. I also suggest you find an alanon meeting in your area. Read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." And every single day make sure you do something that cares for YOU. It doesn't have to be huge, just something for your own sanity/health. It's so easy in an alcoholic home to spend so much energy caring for the alcoholic that we completely neglect ourselves......stop doing that TODAY!
Take Care!!!!
P.S. Love your signature!
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
Originally Posted by SteppingUp
OK Judi, that is the most wonderful post! I copied it and put it on my phone so that I can refer back to it often. Thank You!
The other thing that helped was to disconnect my husband's drinking from his love for me, or the strength of our bond......his drinking had nothing to do with me at all, and it was not an indicator of how strong or weak our marriage was.....it was completely separate. That made it much easier to be compassionate, instead of just angry.
Life is so much better now! I feel so much more free!
Originally Posted by SteppingUp
P.S. Love your signature!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 131
Judi,
You've got so much wisdom to share and I'm glad you're sharing it!
I'm just getting to the point where I don't wonder if she'll drink any more. I just assume she will and I'm never disappointed. I just need to keep myself safe and serene.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that her drinking isn't an indicator of her love for me or our relationship. That, and figuring out what my HP is.
I'm new to this all and I'm sure it will come in time!
Thanks again!
You've got so much wisdom to share and I'm glad you're sharing it!
I'm just getting to the point where I don't wonder if she'll drink any more. I just assume she will and I'm never disappointed. I just need to keep myself safe and serene.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that her drinking isn't an indicator of her love for me or our relationship. That, and figuring out what my HP is.
I'm new to this all and I'm sure it will come in time!
Thanks again!
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