My wife drinks too much, and I have no idea where to start.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
My wife drinks every night, or every other night. If I leave her alone, she'll drink until she blacks out. If I don't leave her alone, she'll probably do it anyway, but I can sometimes get her to stop, but not often. She regrets it and promises to change every morning, but by the time the sun sets, she's at it again.
I love her. I know I can't "rescue" her, but I can't just let her die.
You cannot stop anyone from doing anything. You do not have that control.
If she chooses to kill herself it will not be your fault. It will be horrible and devistating, but not your fault.
I can't tell you the number of funerals I've gone to for dead alcoholics and addicts. This disease is fatal. YOu either get sober or you kill yourself. Sometimes it happens this first time, as in my sons friend who shot heroin for the first time when he was 20. Killed him
Sometimes it takes 60 years like my Uncle.
All the other stuff, the fact that she's your wife, you love her, she's hurt you, she's hurting. All that stuff needs to be processed and worked through in the context of the reality that you cannot stop her from doing anything.
You can only control yourself. I promise you, the pain you're experiencing, the confusion-- can only be tempered when you take action to take control of your own life. It will shift your reality in ways nothing else is capable of. At least this is true for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi tmvance-
your story touches my heart. i understand being totally drained: mentally, physically and spiritually.
a break from her and your homelife would go a long way to restoring you. try to think of yourself now and take whatever steps are required to get yourself to a safe place where you can rest and begin to see things clearly.
your girlfriend sounds like she is addicted to alcohol and in denial. there is nothing you can do to help her.
remaining with her and shouldering the full load does not help her. it enables her to continue to drink.
oftentimes, the kindest thing to do is leave them to lie in the bed they've made. most addicts are amazingly resouceful and manage to find someone else to enable them quite quickly.
or, your leaving could be a wake-up call.
independent of her, it sounds as if you are under amazing strain. time to take care of yourself. do not permit her to drive you to your knees. you sound like a warm, caring man...
take care now,
naive
your story touches my heart. i understand being totally drained: mentally, physically and spiritually.
a break from her and your homelife would go a long way to restoring you. try to think of yourself now and take whatever steps are required to get yourself to a safe place where you can rest and begin to see things clearly.
your girlfriend sounds like she is addicted to alcohol and in denial. there is nothing you can do to help her.
remaining with her and shouldering the full load does not help her. it enables her to continue to drink.
oftentimes, the kindest thing to do is leave them to lie in the bed they've made. most addicts are amazingly resouceful and manage to find someone else to enable them quite quickly.
or, your leaving could be a wake-up call.
independent of her, it sounds as if you are under amazing strain. time to take care of yourself. do not permit her to drive you to your knees. you sound like a warm, caring man...
take care now,
naive
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
Thursday, September 30, 2010 ~ Trying to wake up and pull myself together ~ but don't seem to be too successful thus far ~ lol. Not feeling so great this morning. Whatever it is making me feel blah ~ will pass ~ I hope.
As far as Tuesday, September 28, 2010 ~ She did drink that evening. I was at work and received a text at 3:24 p.m. from her stating ~ 'don't be mad. having a beer. feels like i am being strangled lol. im ok.' When one sees/hears that as much as I have ~ she was having a 'panic attack' ~ so she tells me. She texted me that because I was due to come back to the house from work around 4:15 p.m. and she knew that I would be angered if I came in the door and saw a beer sitting by her side. I was still angry ~ inside ~ but I let it go ~ to avoid a fight until later that evening.
I couldn't take it anymore. I went off on her. Fighting with her was the last thing I wanted but something in me just exploded. I begin fighting with her ~ asking 'WHY IS IT WHEN YOU FEEL A SLIGHT BIT OF PAIN ~ YOUR REMEDY ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE ALCOHOL?' Her reply was ~ 'it's the only thing that helps.' "BULLSH*T!" Words flew from ours mouths for awhile until I said something to her in which I can not remember ~ but it apparently was worth this response from her ~ "if drinking is going to cause this much fighting between us ~ i don't want to drink anymore. I will cut it back ~ so we can be happy again ~ we used to be happy and i want us to be again." I fell silent when she spoke those words and the rest of the night ~ I remained that way. I guess I was in shock ~ ??? ~ I don't know. But to this very morning ~ I can still hear those words ~ see her tears that rapidly filled her eyes and feel the hug in which she gave me ~ after she said those words to me. I don't know what to think. Those words affected me mentally so bad ~ that I feel these last 2 days ~ my world has done nothing but revolve around those words. I ask myself ~ 'did she mean what she said?' Personally I want to believe in it but I can't. And since I don't ~ why am I dwelling so much on the thought of a possibility??? What the h*ll is wrong with ME? How serious is she? Or does she even remember saying those words to me? I don't know. Since today is the 'other day' ~ I will see if she chooses to drink tonight. If she does ~ then I will know all my answers ~ huh???
As far as Tuesday, September 28, 2010 ~ She did drink that evening. I was at work and received a text at 3:24 p.m. from her stating ~ 'don't be mad. having a beer. feels like i am being strangled lol. im ok.' When one sees/hears that as much as I have ~ she was having a 'panic attack' ~ so she tells me. She texted me that because I was due to come back to the house from work around 4:15 p.m. and she knew that I would be angered if I came in the door and saw a beer sitting by her side. I was still angry ~ inside ~ but I let it go ~ to avoid a fight until later that evening.
I couldn't take it anymore. I went off on her. Fighting with her was the last thing I wanted but something in me just exploded. I begin fighting with her ~ asking 'WHY IS IT WHEN YOU FEEL A SLIGHT BIT OF PAIN ~ YOUR REMEDY ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE ALCOHOL?' Her reply was ~ 'it's the only thing that helps.' "BULLSH*T!" Words flew from ours mouths for awhile until I said something to her in which I can not remember ~ but it apparently was worth this response from her ~ "if drinking is going to cause this much fighting between us ~ i don't want to drink anymore. I will cut it back ~ so we can be happy again ~ we used to be happy and i want us to be again." I fell silent when she spoke those words and the rest of the night ~ I remained that way. I guess I was in shock ~ ??? ~ I don't know. But to this very morning ~ I can still hear those words ~ see her tears that rapidly filled her eyes and feel the hug in which she gave me ~ after she said those words to me. I don't know what to think. Those words affected me mentally so bad ~ that I feel these last 2 days ~ my world has done nothing but revolve around those words. I ask myself ~ 'did she mean what she said?' Personally I want to believe in it but I can't. And since I don't ~ why am I dwelling so much on the thought of a possibility??? What the h*ll is wrong with ME? How serious is she? Or does she even remember saying those words to me? I don't know. Since today is the 'other day' ~ I will see if she chooses to drink tonight. If she does ~ then I will know all my answers ~ huh???
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Typical use of "saying what they want to hear" to hook you in. It worked too.
Notice all the victim stuff going on there? She "needs" the alcohol cause it's the only thing that works for [insert problem here] which is likely unique to her only of all the people on the planet. But, she'll sacrifice for you! So that everyone will be happy again! Wow!
Notice all the victim stuff going on there? She "needs" the alcohol cause it's the only thing that works for [insert problem here] which is likely unique to her only of all the people on the planet. But, she'll sacrifice for you! So that everyone will be happy again! Wow!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
"Cutting it back" is what she said she wanted to do.
No doubt that's very true. She wishes she could. It won't happen. "Cutting back" doesn't work when you are an alcoholic. I worked very hard at "moderating" my drinking for four and a half years. It never got better--it got steadily worse.
I'm sober in AA now for two years. The only thing that worked for me, and for countless other alcoholics, was getting alcohol OUT of my life. Once you've turned into a pickle, as much as you'd like to be a cucumber again, it ain't happening.
No doubt that's very true. She wishes she could. It won't happen. "Cutting back" doesn't work when you are an alcoholic. I worked very hard at "moderating" my drinking for four and a half years. It never got better--it got steadily worse.
I'm sober in AA now for two years. The only thing that worked for me, and for countless other alcoholics, was getting alcohol OUT of my life. Once you've turned into a pickle, as much as you'd like to be a cucumber again, it ain't happening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I'm sorry TMVANCE, but I was married to the World's Best Liar, and after 5 years with him, I can say that words don't mean sh*t. Actions are what count.
It's a hard truth.
And I LOVE words. I'm an English teacher. I love a well-turned phrase, an original and earth shattering idea explained brilliantly and with originality.
So I always fell for those BIG promises my XAH made.
"You'll see, this time I'm committed to quit (smoking, cocaine, drinking, etc)."
"I'll MAKe you believe that I'm sober/not high"
"I've never said this for anyone, but for you, I'll quit."
Everytime there was a conversation about his addiction, he'd pull out a different set of words, maybe a few tears ("oh god he's crying, that must mean he's *SENSITIVE* and *IN PAIN*...why I MUST help heal him"). Ugh. Pass the puke bucket.
I'm sure he believed himself when he spoke the words, when he shed the tears, and when he buried himself in my arms shaking like a child. A moment later, it was back to the business of relieving his pain and his stress from, well, everything in the world.
I sincerely hope you're not falling for this b.s.
It's a hard truth.
And I LOVE words. I'm an English teacher. I love a well-turned phrase, an original and earth shattering idea explained brilliantly and with originality.
So I always fell for those BIG promises my XAH made.
"You'll see, this time I'm committed to quit (smoking, cocaine, drinking, etc)."
"I'll MAKe you believe that I'm sober/not high"
"I've never said this for anyone, but for you, I'll quit."
Everytime there was a conversation about his addiction, he'd pull out a different set of words, maybe a few tears ("oh god he's crying, that must mean he's *SENSITIVE* and *IN PAIN*...why I MUST help heal him"). Ugh. Pass the puke bucket.
I'm sure he believed himself when he spoke the words, when he shed the tears, and when he buried himself in my arms shaking like a child. A moment later, it was back to the business of relieving his pain and his stress from, well, everything in the world.
I sincerely hope you're not falling for this b.s.
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Wow, that's a tough situation. I hope you are able to find some help because nobody should have to live in a daily nightmare like that. It sounds like your wife is a hard case but one thing I have found is that no matter how bad a person's alcoholism is, they can get better, it does happen.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
Friday, October 1, 2010 ~ Another night (of drinking - Thursday, September 30, 2010) has passed and her words didn't mean anything ~ just as most of You have said. I guess I am the fool ~ for wanting to believe ~ for having hope.
I am extremely tired this morning. Still not feeling up to par and the lack of sleep in which I got last night ~ isn't helping me either.
I really don't know what to say. I am just glad that I have a job to go to. I now think of My work as a getaway for Me ~ My 10-12 hour escape route ~ lol. Speaking of My getaway ~ time for Me to get ready and go. Thank You all for the wonderful words of advice.
I am extremely tired this morning. Still not feeling up to par and the lack of sleep in which I got last night ~ isn't helping me either.
I really don't know what to say. I am just glad that I have a job to go to. I now think of My work as a getaway for Me ~ My 10-12 hour escape route ~ lol. Speaking of My getaway ~ time for Me to get ready and go. Thank You all for the wonderful words of advice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Lincoln NE
Posts: 5
30 years of it
Don't waste your tears. My husband is a genius at telling people what they want to hear. He sincerely doesn't know the truth from a lie. How does one deal with that? It's impossible. He 's been in treatment about 7 times and the last one was very expensive as an out patient. He wouldn't go to AA because "it would make him drink if every just talked about beer." Oh please. We're done. So save your tears and save your breath. You don't deserve this!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Lincoln NE
Posts: 5
She really doesn't care how you feel. You may think so and wish it so. But really she doesn't. She will tell you she does but that's what you want to hear. You are the one going through all this stress and she is out doing just what she wants to do. She will tell you anything to keep doing it and you will have to go through all these negative, bad nights yourself - and she will not stop because you are upset and really stressed. She is doing what she wants to do. You are not. If she needs you to be the responsible person, stop now. That's usually what they do - find someone to "do things" (work, bills, house, yard, etc.) so they never have to be responsible. And they usually have pretty good luck at it. In the meantime, as the spouse of an acoholic who has always "done things," the only thing I regret is waiting so long. I knew years ago I should leave but everyone, including my own family would say, "Oh, don't. He's such a nice guy." God.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
Sunday, October 10, 2010 ~ I know some time has past since my last post but what can I say when things have been the same as far as her drinking goes ~ but since I haven't been feeling so good ~ she at least hasn't caused any fights with me. She has actually appeared to be a bit concerned for my well-being. At first ~ all I could think of was ~ who is this woman who is showing a bit of concern for me??? Does she really care??? As many times as she has told me throughtout the past week (when she was sober) for me to stay home from work ~ that I needed to get better ~ I couldn't do it. I went to work anyway ~ struggled to get through my days because if I stayed home ~ how would the bills get paid??? I guess that is something that she doesn't think of or worry about because she doesn't pay them.
It was Thursday, October 7, 2010 ~ when she went to spent some time with her mom. Boy ~ was that a mistake. Now ~ everytime she pays visit with her mom ~ it never goes well and SHE ALWAYS DRINKS WHEN SHE DOES!!! Her mom gets on her about not working - sometimes her drinking, etc... When I returned back to the house from work ~ I knew that she had a bad day and what was expected when I walked thru the door. When she made her first drink ~ all hell broke loose and she started about her mom getting on her about a number of things ~ but she wasn't real clear of the specifics ~ if that makes sense. She just started 'talking loudly' about things that ended up being everyone else's fault as to why she is feeling the way she was/is. She is tired of everyone telling her what to do ~ how to live her life ~ blah, blah, blah... I was so lost in the topic of that night ~ that I was 'THANKFUL' that I wasn't feeling good because I just went into the bedroom and laid in bed ~ watching tv. She would periodically make her appearance in the doorway ~ 'to check on me' (so she said) but then ended up screaming about something that made no sense to me. It got to the point that her trips to the bedroom became more frequent ~ that I had to pretend I was 'fake' sleeping. Due to that ~ I was amazed to the things that came out her mouth then ~ when she thought I was sleeping. She doesn't love me anymore ~ hates me too ~ blah, blah, blah. Things that I am so used to hearing when I am awake that it didn't make a bit of difference to me how she felt about me when I was 'fake' sleeping.
It is 5:35 now and I have to go to work. I will return to post later from work to tell you all about last night's drunkfest. She hit's rock bottom.
It was Thursday, October 7, 2010 ~ when she went to spent some time with her mom. Boy ~ was that a mistake. Now ~ everytime she pays visit with her mom ~ it never goes well and SHE ALWAYS DRINKS WHEN SHE DOES!!! Her mom gets on her about not working - sometimes her drinking, etc... When I returned back to the house from work ~ I knew that she had a bad day and what was expected when I walked thru the door. When she made her first drink ~ all hell broke loose and she started about her mom getting on her about a number of things ~ but she wasn't real clear of the specifics ~ if that makes sense. She just started 'talking loudly' about things that ended up being everyone else's fault as to why she is feeling the way she was/is. She is tired of everyone telling her what to do ~ how to live her life ~ blah, blah, blah... I was so lost in the topic of that night ~ that I was 'THANKFUL' that I wasn't feeling good because I just went into the bedroom and laid in bed ~ watching tv. She would periodically make her appearance in the doorway ~ 'to check on me' (so she said) but then ended up screaming about something that made no sense to me. It got to the point that her trips to the bedroom became more frequent ~ that I had to pretend I was 'fake' sleeping. Due to that ~ I was amazed to the things that came out her mouth then ~ when she thought I was sleeping. She doesn't love me anymore ~ hates me too ~ blah, blah, blah. Things that I am so used to hearing when I am awake that it didn't make a bit of difference to me how she felt about me when I was 'fake' sleeping.
It is 5:35 now and I have to go to work. I will return to post later from work to tell you all about last night's drunkfest. She hit's rock bottom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
my dear tmvance-
she has not hit rock bottom if she is still drinking. rock bottom is when they see light and stop drinking.
have you considered sending her packing? sounds like she's making you ill.
could she go and stay at her mother's?
it might be for the best because it sounds as if you are at your breaking point.
take care,
naive
she has not hit rock bottom if she is still drinking. rock bottom is when they see light and stop drinking.
have you considered sending her packing? sounds like she's making you ill.
could she go and stay at her mother's?
it might be for the best because it sounds as if you are at your breaking point.
take care,
naive
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: ozarks
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by naive 
my dear tmvance-
she has not hit rock bottom if she is still drinking. rock bottom is when they see light and stop drinking.
have you considered sending her packing? sounds like she's making you ill.
could she go and stay at her mother's?
it might be for the best because it sounds as if you are at your breaking point.
take care,
naive
she has not hit rock bottom if she is still drinking. rock bottom is when they see light and stop drinking.
have you considered sending her packing? sounds like she's making you ill.
could she go and stay at her mother's?
it might be for the best because it sounds as if you are at your breaking point.
take care,
naive
i came really close to a "she's not done yet" post earlier but kept my mouth shut.
good luck tmvance!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
As an alcoholic, I'll tell you that the only way she is going to get better is if she decides to stop drinking completely and join some kind of recovery program. You can't make her do it. All you can do is take care of yourself, and the only way to do that is to kick her out or leave. Or you can give her some sort of ultimatum to try to help her seek treatment. There are cheap/free rehabs and there is AA, which is free.
Good luck to you.
Good luck to you.
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