My wife drinks too much, and I have no idea where to start.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by sesh 
I think that maybe might apply for people who are not A, that when they've had few drinks they relax a bit and maybe say thing they wouldn't normally feel comfortable saying.
I don't think that statement has any weigth in active alcoholism.
Aslo, I believe that when we(NA) are enamshed in active alcoholism, we often fail to see that THERE IS NO REASONING WITH AN ACTIVE A, THERE IS NO REASON OR LOGIC IN THIER WORDS OR ACTIONS. Active A is a person who is not in touch with his/her true self, or better to say with who they were before drinking. As that person is gone (temporarely or more often for good). They don't think in logical way. They have no idea why they're saying things they do, or better to say all they are saying and doing is for one reason only: keeping the status quo and not having to deal with thier problem. They will say and do anyting to keep this going. And it is not even personal. It has nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with love.
Honey, she is sick, alcoholism is disease. Horrible one too. All her actions and words are influenced by this disease.
I understand your pain. But it gets easier only if you make it easier, if you work on yourself and if you educate yourself about alcoholims, which teaches you what are you really up against.
Take care
I don't think that statement has any weigth in active alcoholism.
Aslo, I believe that when we(NA) are enamshed in active alcoholism, we often fail to see that THERE IS NO REASONING WITH AN ACTIVE A, THERE IS NO REASON OR LOGIC IN THIER WORDS OR ACTIONS. Active A is a person who is not in touch with his/her true self, or better to say with who they were before drinking. As that person is gone (temporarely or more often for good). They don't think in logical way. They have no idea why they're saying things they do, or better to say all they are saying and doing is for one reason only: keeping the status quo and not having to deal with thier problem. They will say and do anyting to keep this going. And it is not even personal. It has nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with love.
Honey, she is sick, alcoholism is disease. Horrible one too. All her actions and words are influenced by this disease.
I understand your pain. But it gets easier only if you make it easier, if you work on yourself and if you educate yourself about alcoholims, which teaches you what are you really up against.
Take care
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
It is early Monday morning (September 20, 2010) and yes I spent the day yesterday in bed. I feel bad about it but I was really exhausted ~ so exhuasted that the simple things that needed done ~ such as the trash being taking out for trash day ~ wiped me out completely. It was the simplist things that brought me down more and honestly that worried me a bit. But in my mind ~ I told myself it was just because of the lack of proper rest ~ I feel the way I do. I will be better tomorrow and that is true. I feel like a new person today ~ rejuvinated. I'm ready to go today ~ lol.
By the way ~ she also spent the day in bed too ~ with me. Only because she wanted to be with me. "???" I was sleeping. Don't get it.
I can't even begin to tell you how many times she said she loved me. I was her 'boog' yesterday. She calls me that because I am so much bigger than her (I am her big teddy bear) and when I awake ~ I guess I sound like a bear. Anyways ~ that is not my point. My point is ~ I knew how yesterday would be and I was correct. She loved me yesterday. Each time she said it ~ I would ask in my mind ~ 'do you really? Because I don't believe it anymore.' As much as I wanted to because she sounded like the woman I fell in love with ~ I couldn't.
To change the subject a bit ~ she kept telling me Saturday night ~ that she needed to get out of here for a few days. She wants to go camping. When things get to be too much for her ~ she feels that going away ~ camping ~ helps her get back on track. We went thru this before. I took her camping ~ and when we got back to the house and thru the front doors ~ things went back to being the same they was before then and are now. So ~ how does camping help her like she says it does? She does enjoy it when we go ~ but it doesn't change the fact that when we get back to the house ~ she goes back to being the person she was/is before we go. I don't get it nor do I understand it. She says it helps her ~ but I don't see how. Am I missing something here? The big picture she says to me when I don't quite understand something ~ I am missing it??? The big picture??? Where is it? The big picture I see ~ is me standing on the edge of the eye of the perfect storm. I jump into the center of it ~ just for that brief calmness before the s**t hits the fan. I know I should not use that as the 'big picture' I see ~ but it is what it is.
Today is another day ~ the 2nd day actually. Will she drink today ~ I ask myself when I wake up knowing that this is the 'every other day?' We shall see? I hope not but it will either be today or tomorrow. I never know which day she will choose and because of that ~ I am always on alert. I am glad that I got the rest I needed yesterday because I pretty much prepared myself for the long nights ahead this week. She likes to keep me awake when she drinks. She has no respect for me when I have to work the next morning. I have to be up at 4 in the morning and she sometimes keeps me awake til after 2. She plays her music loud or wants to talk to me. When I don't want to talk because all she does is repeat herself ~ I only fuel the fire.
Like I said before ~ we shall see.
By the way ~ she also spent the day in bed too ~ with me. Only because she wanted to be with me. "???" I was sleeping. Don't get it.
I can't even begin to tell you how many times she said she loved me. I was her 'boog' yesterday. She calls me that because I am so much bigger than her (I am her big teddy bear) and when I awake ~ I guess I sound like a bear. Anyways ~ that is not my point. My point is ~ I knew how yesterday would be and I was correct. She loved me yesterday. Each time she said it ~ I would ask in my mind ~ 'do you really? Because I don't believe it anymore.' As much as I wanted to because she sounded like the woman I fell in love with ~ I couldn't.
To change the subject a bit ~ she kept telling me Saturday night ~ that she needed to get out of here for a few days. She wants to go camping. When things get to be too much for her ~ she feels that going away ~ camping ~ helps her get back on track. We went thru this before. I took her camping ~ and when we got back to the house and thru the front doors ~ things went back to being the same they was before then and are now. So ~ how does camping help her like she says it does? She does enjoy it when we go ~ but it doesn't change the fact that when we get back to the house ~ she goes back to being the person she was/is before we go. I don't get it nor do I understand it. She says it helps her ~ but I don't see how. Am I missing something here? The big picture she says to me when I don't quite understand something ~ I am missing it??? The big picture??? Where is it? The big picture I see ~ is me standing on the edge of the eye of the perfect storm. I jump into the center of it ~ just for that brief calmness before the s**t hits the fan. I know I should not use that as the 'big picture' I see ~ but it is what it is.
Today is another day ~ the 2nd day actually. Will she drink today ~ I ask myself when I wake up knowing that this is the 'every other day?' We shall see? I hope not but it will either be today or tomorrow. I never know which day she will choose and because of that ~ I am always on alert. I am glad that I got the rest I needed yesterday because I pretty much prepared myself for the long nights ahead this week. She likes to keep me awake when she drinks. She has no respect for me when I have to work the next morning. I have to be up at 4 in the morning and she sometimes keeps me awake til after 2. She plays her music loud or wants to talk to me. When I don't want to talk because all she does is repeat herself ~ I only fuel the fire.
Like I said before ~ we shall see.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
I stay because as of now ~ I have no funds to get to where I need to be. All my funds go towards paying the bills. The bills take up all my earnings. I have no family here ~ so I am pretty much all alone. Believe me ~ if I had family here ~ I would not be here.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
All these women described above sound like my daughter. When my daughter is sober, she is funny, smart, kind, beautiful, BUT when she drinks she becomes a DEMON. Especially, (I think) if she drinks hard liquor. When she's drunk, there is no rhyme or reason with her, she babbles loudly about issues that had bothered her or still bothering her, SO out loud, that you can hear her two blocks away. Then if anyone in the house so as to says one wrong word, they are the target of abuse for the night. And I mean verbal and physical abuse. I've had to come in between her and her sister while she's attacking her sister with a knife.!
She becomes like a psychopath.
This is not "JUST" an alcohol problem. My ex husband was emotionally and physically abusive to me. My two daughters went through a lot emotionally growing up with that. I tried to leave a few times but then he'd blame me for everything and tell the girls it was my fault their daddy is not around.
Anyway, not to get off track into my story, I believe there are serious problems in some of these violent drunks. These dr. jeckil/mr. hyde type of drunks. I know that's the case with my daughter.
The things is by always picking up the pieces after her didn't help her.
As of today, she is not allowed back into our home. She's been kicked out by her boyfriend twice. And even then I told her she cannot come back here.
If I let her come back, I believe I will be only neurishing her demons. She needs to come to terms in one way or another and move on with life.
I cannot let her destroy me and everyone else in this house along with herself.
Best luck to all of you that are dealing with this kind of problem. Whether it be a wife/girlfriend/daughter. It's painful.
She becomes like a psychopath.
This is not "JUST" an alcohol problem. My ex husband was emotionally and physically abusive to me. My two daughters went through a lot emotionally growing up with that. I tried to leave a few times but then he'd blame me for everything and tell the girls it was my fault their daddy is not around.
Anyway, not to get off track into my story, I believe there are serious problems in some of these violent drunks. These dr. jeckil/mr. hyde type of drunks. I know that's the case with my daughter.
The things is by always picking up the pieces after her didn't help her.
As of today, she is not allowed back into our home. She's been kicked out by her boyfriend twice. And even then I told her she cannot come back here.
If I let her come back, I believe I will be only neurishing her demons. She needs to come to terms in one way or another and move on with life.
I cannot let her destroy me and everyone else in this house along with herself.
Best luck to all of you that are dealing with this kind of problem. Whether it be a wife/girlfriend/daughter. It's painful.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by TMVANCE
I stay because as of now ~ I have no funds to get to where I need to be. All my funds go towards paying the bills. The bills take up all my earnings. I have no family here ~ so I am pretty much all alone. Believe me ~ if I had family here ~ I would not be here.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by jd585
I am not an easy person to live with as I have to be disciplined in my profession and that carries over somewhat to my personal life. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am here asking IF this is the start of Alcoholism? OR have I been too blind to see it? Or is there bigger problems I need to consider?
I have been married to the same woman for many years. I love her dearly. We have two adult girls. At times during our life she has worked with me in businesses we owned and at times she has been a home maker. She has never been very good at cleaning and the house always seemed to exhibit that. Since I need a clear head for my profession I drink alcohol only when I'm on vacation and never allow myself to get intoxicated, The last vacation was in 2002. We always travel out of the country on vacation so we save up for them
When our youngest daughter was about 12 she had learned to manipulate her mother into doing what she wanted or buying her what ever she wanted, even if I said we should not. Over the course of a few years my wife had acquired several credit cards in her name without telling me and maxed them out. My wife received phone calls which she took privately away from where I was at. One day while she was out I received a call from a CC issuer and since I am the husband they told me how bad the situation was. I took our savings and paid off the cards. This pattern was repeated several times until it had cost us about $50,000.00.
I thought that this money flowing through my wife's hands was because of our youngest daughter, but our daughter has been gone from home for a few years and the money I put into my wife's checking vanishes without anything showing for it.
During this time (youngest daughter manipulating her mother ) my wife got into the habit of lying to me. I confronted my wife several times, but she says "she has no reasons for lying", but she still does it even more so now.
I do not watch TV, but I have a hobby that keeps me at the computer from 6PM until about 9PM every nite, My wife plays the lottery and seems to want to "go get lottery tickets" every evening about 7PM. There is a convenience store less than 5 minutes from our home, but it takes her about 30 to 60 minutes to get her ticket. I have considered following her but I have not yet done that.
My wife recently switched from beer, to wine and hard liquor as her drink of choice. I asked her several times "Why she needs to drink?" and her reply is that "It relaxes her!"...I ask what she needs to relax from since she does not work outside the home, does some laundry, some cooking, shops for groceries, and does very little cleaning.. Other than those things her days consist of; she sleeps in, has naps during the day, makes herself lunch, and watches TV....but she does not have an answer to what she needs to relax from.
Our oldest daughter lives with us and she has found her mother drinking in the kitchen, frequently while cooking. Our oldest daughter mentioned it to both of us and is concerned that my wife is drinking too much. My wife asked me to have a drink with her at the last New Years Eve, which I did...Since then she wants me to drink with her, but I won't. She has been buying a wine that requires chilling and has brought a bottle to the bedroom on a regular basis and consumes it. She drank a bottle and a half one nite, left the balance on her nite stand. It got warm and the next day before lunch she was drinking it from the bottle.
I have never paid attention to when we have our disagreements, until our oldest daughter pointed out the drinking and now I am aware that we argue most when my wife is drinking. She will start an argument and then gets verbally abusive and loud enough so the neighbors hear. The morning after my wife is the most loving person you know, but she needs to sleep in until about 10 am.
Recently my wife wanted to go visit with her family which she has not seen in years. The visit was for 2 weeks and she was to stay with a niece (6 months younger than wife) and her brother. I was concerned because this niece was a heavy drinker. We made an agreement that she would not drink while staying with the niece. The first nite she had drinks with them, the second nite she was drunk when I called and I pointed that out that she was drunk. She stayed there 8 days and we did not talk much after the second day. She stayed the balance with her brother but we still did not talk much while she was away..
We discuss things and decide on a course of action, my wife makes agreements with me and then does what she wants. Of course she always states "that is not what she agreed to"
There is a restaurant that we like their food and my wife wants to go by herself to pick up the food. She goes there and has "a drink sometimes" while waiting for the order. She has related that she has met another man there and they "are friends", and he sometimes buys her a drink.
I have been married to the same woman for many years. I love her dearly. We have two adult girls. At times during our life she has worked with me in businesses we owned and at times she has been a home maker. She has never been very good at cleaning and the house always seemed to exhibit that. Since I need a clear head for my profession I drink alcohol only when I'm on vacation and never allow myself to get intoxicated, The last vacation was in 2002. We always travel out of the country on vacation so we save up for them
When our youngest daughter was about 12 she had learned to manipulate her mother into doing what she wanted or buying her what ever she wanted, even if I said we should not. Over the course of a few years my wife had acquired several credit cards in her name without telling me and maxed them out. My wife received phone calls which she took privately away from where I was at. One day while she was out I received a call from a CC issuer and since I am the husband they told me how bad the situation was. I took our savings and paid off the cards. This pattern was repeated several times until it had cost us about $50,000.00.
I thought that this money flowing through my wife's hands was because of our youngest daughter, but our daughter has been gone from home for a few years and the money I put into my wife's checking vanishes without anything showing for it.
During this time (youngest daughter manipulating her mother ) my wife got into the habit of lying to me. I confronted my wife several times, but she says "she has no reasons for lying", but she still does it even more so now.
I do not watch TV, but I have a hobby that keeps me at the computer from 6PM until about 9PM every nite, My wife plays the lottery and seems to want to "go get lottery tickets" every evening about 7PM. There is a convenience store less than 5 minutes from our home, but it takes her about 30 to 60 minutes to get her ticket. I have considered following her but I have not yet done that.
My wife recently switched from beer, to wine and hard liquor as her drink of choice. I asked her several times "Why she needs to drink?" and her reply is that "It relaxes her!"...I ask what she needs to relax from since she does not work outside the home, does some laundry, some cooking, shops for groceries, and does very little cleaning.. Other than those things her days consist of; she sleeps in, has naps during the day, makes herself lunch, and watches TV....but she does not have an answer to what she needs to relax from.
Our oldest daughter lives with us and she has found her mother drinking in the kitchen, frequently while cooking. Our oldest daughter mentioned it to both of us and is concerned that my wife is drinking too much. My wife asked me to have a drink with her at the last New Years Eve, which I did...Since then she wants me to drink with her, but I won't. She has been buying a wine that requires chilling and has brought a bottle to the bedroom on a regular basis and consumes it. She drank a bottle and a half one nite, left the balance on her nite stand. It got warm and the next day before lunch she was drinking it from the bottle.
I have never paid attention to when we have our disagreements, until our oldest daughter pointed out the drinking and now I am aware that we argue most when my wife is drinking. She will start an argument and then gets verbally abusive and loud enough so the neighbors hear. The morning after my wife is the most loving person you know, but she needs to sleep in until about 10 am.
Recently my wife wanted to go visit with her family which she has not seen in years. The visit was for 2 weeks and she was to stay with a niece (6 months younger than wife) and her brother. I was concerned because this niece was a heavy drinker. We made an agreement that she would not drink while staying with the niece. The first nite she had drinks with them, the second nite she was drunk when I called and I pointed that out that she was drunk. She stayed there 8 days and we did not talk much after the second day. She stayed the balance with her brother but we still did not talk much while she was away..
We discuss things and decide on a course of action, my wife makes agreements with me and then does what she wants. Of course she always states "that is not what she agreed to"
There is a restaurant that we like their food and my wife wants to go by herself to pick up the food. She goes there and has "a drink sometimes" while waiting for the order. She has related that she has met another man there and they "are friends", and he sometimes buys her a drink.
Find out as much as you can about alcoholism and enabling - once I got my head around the facts about alcoholism I was able to deal with having been married to an AH much more easily. It is only sad that I didn't do the reading until after I had already had enough and separated from him as I would probably have not done a lot of the things I did do in my uninformed attempts to make him stop. I might also have ended it even sooner.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by kiki5711
All these women described above sound like my daughter. When my daughter is sober, she is funny, smart, kind, beautiful, BUT when she drinks she becomes a DEMON. Especially, (I think) if she drinks hard liquor. When she's drunk, there is no rhyme or reason with her, she babbles loudly about issues that had bothered her or still bothering her, SO out loud, that you can hear her two blocks away. Then if anyone in the house so as to says one wrong word, they are the target of abuse for the night. And I mean verbal and physical abuse.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 09-21-2010 at 06:47 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
[QUOTE=TMVANCE;2714926] I think there is potential. If only they can get past this "anger" inside. Potential for an incredible person.
Does your girlfriend listen to you, and can you get her psychiatric help? I think going to a psychiatrist and getting medication will help a lot.
The biggest thing is for her to accept that she needs help and cooperate with the psychiatrist.
My daughter won't listen to me, but I"ve spoken to her boyfriend and mentioned that he should encourage her to go and to STOP drinking with her, especially hard liquor. It messes with her brain chemistry and she cannot process any of her thoughts and her thoughts are at war under alcohol against her emotions and nothing makes sense.
I wish you luck. This whole thing is still all in process so I cannot tell you how it's going and how it's going to turn out for my daughter.
Have you spoken to anyone in her family that might be able to help?
Originally Posted by kiki5711
All these women described above sound like my daughter. When my daughter is sober, she is funny, smart, kind, beautiful, BUT when she drinks she becomes a DEMON. Especially, (I think) if she drinks hard liquor. When she's drunk, there is no rhyme or reason with her, she babbles loudly about issues that had bothered her or still bothering her, SO out loud, that you can hear her two blocks away. Then if anyone in the house so as to says one wrong word, they are the target of abuse for the night. And I mean verbal and physical abuse.
Your daughter sounds so much like my girlfriend. It really is scary because she does the exact same thing as YOUR DAUGHTER does. What is stated above ~ is exactly identical to my girl ~ and what do you do ~ right??? I can't believe there is another one out there who is just like my girl. Unreal.
Your daughter sounds so much like my girlfriend. It really is scary because she does the exact same thing as YOUR DAUGHTER does. What is stated above ~ is exactly identical to my girl ~ and what do you do ~ right??? I can't believe there is another one out there who is just like my girl. Unreal.
Does your girlfriend listen to you, and can you get her psychiatric help? I think going to a psychiatrist and getting medication will help a lot.
The biggest thing is for her to accept that she needs help and cooperate with the psychiatrist.
My daughter won't listen to me, but I"ve spoken to her boyfriend and mentioned that he should encourage her to go and to STOP drinking with her, especially hard liquor. It messes with her brain chemistry and she cannot process any of her thoughts and her thoughts are at war under alcohol against her emotions and nothing makes sense.
I wish you luck. This whole thing is still all in process so I cannot tell you how it's going and how it's going to turn out for my daughter.
Have you spoken to anyone in her family that might be able to help?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 244
[QUOTE=freebuthurting;2714663]From what I have read here, as a woman, I can surmise that your wife may have felt very lonely and isolated for quite some time. Instead of getting out there and engaging in activities and hobbies perhaps she hit the bottle instead.
I agree it sounds like there are some problems there that started the drinking and they might go back some time
I agree it sounds like there are some problems there that started the drinking and they might go back some time
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
It is early Wednesday morning (September 22, 2010) and I was awakened by the butter knife hitting the stovetop range. (She uses a butter knife to mix her drinks.) When I checked the time ~ it was 2:11 a.m. ~ and she was still drinking her rum and cokes. She started last evening at 5:15 p.m. She stopped at 4:09 this morning. Eleven hours of straight drinking ~ and in order to prevent a fight ~ I just made my coffee and sat at the desk ~ reviewing the bills that have come in.
As far as trying to get her help ~ pointless. I have asked her many of times to try and stop ~ maybe talk to someone about cutting it back ~ possibly quitting ~ BUT ~ when I mentioned it to her before ~ I got the whole story of how she would like to cut back because she is tired of how she felt the next day ~ but it never happened. It just got worse and now IT HAS BECOME A JOKE TO HER. She has no problem. I do ~ and good luck to me on getting help on helping her. It will never happen ~ she tellls me. So I have stopped trying on her behalf. I have now focused upon MYSELF.
Her Mom has asked me to try and help her too. I feel bad because I told her Mom I would do the best I could ~ but to this day ~ I have failed to achieve that goal. Since I have done that ~ I feel that I have not only failed ME and MY GIRL ~ but I have failed her Mom too. I apologize to her Mom ~ but I can't help someone who doesn't want help.
And as for the 'trapped' feeling ~ YES I DO FEEL THAT WAY!!! But I am working on that now. I will not continue feel this way and I am secretly working on my escape route. It will take time ~ but until then ~ I will have to deal with her and her drinking. Not looking forward to that. But ~ I am looking forward to my journey home.
I will keep all posted. Appreciate all the feedback thus far. If anyone has any words of how to make the days easier ~ I would like to hear them.
As far as trying to get her help ~ pointless. I have asked her many of times to try and stop ~ maybe talk to someone about cutting it back ~ possibly quitting ~ BUT ~ when I mentioned it to her before ~ I got the whole story of how she would like to cut back because she is tired of how she felt the next day ~ but it never happened. It just got worse and now IT HAS BECOME A JOKE TO HER. She has no problem. I do ~ and good luck to me on getting help on helping her. It will never happen ~ she tellls me. So I have stopped trying on her behalf. I have now focused upon MYSELF.
Her Mom has asked me to try and help her too. I feel bad because I told her Mom I would do the best I could ~ but to this day ~ I have failed to achieve that goal. Since I have done that ~ I feel that I have not only failed ME and MY GIRL ~ but I have failed her Mom too. I apologize to her Mom ~ but I can't help someone who doesn't want help.
And as for the 'trapped' feeling ~ YES I DO FEEL THAT WAY!!! But I am working on that now. I will not continue feel this way and I am secretly working on my escape route. It will take time ~ but until then ~ I will have to deal with her and her drinking. Not looking forward to that. But ~ I am looking forward to my journey home.
I will keep all posted. Appreciate all the feedback thus far. If anyone has any words of how to make the days easier ~ I would like to hear them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
Thanks so much for keeping us updated. To make the days easier all I can say is to focus on you, detatch from everything she is doing as much as possible and look after yourself. You have not failed anyone. You did not cause her drinking, you cannot make her stop drinking or seek help. At this point you are seeking help for yourself and that means you have not let yourself down either. You have not let her mum down - you are powerless to change your girlfriend just as she is powerless to change her daughter. Only she can do that for herself.
I have started reading Co-dependent no more - already at page 27. I keep hearing myself saying "Oh yes" and "thats me" aloud as I read sentences that strike particularly hard.
I have started reading Co-dependent no more - already at page 27. I keep hearing myself saying "Oh yes" and "thats me" aloud as I read sentences that strike particularly hard.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Are there any Alanon meetings in your area?
It is a comfort and source of peace from chaos for me to spend one hour in an Alanon meeting. Everyone there knows what you are feeling. Everyone there wants relief from the chaos. Together we get stronger and healthier.
There are steps in Alanon, based on the same steps of AA. This is step one:
Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
As a (ex) spouse: I am no longer struggling to conquer an opponent that is more powerful. I don't have to fight that battle for someone else. I began to see how exhausted I was from trying to conquer that substance for someone else.
The next part is recognizing that my life had become unmanageable. Alcohol was making my life crazy and I wasn't drinking.
From your recent posts: alcohol is keeping you awake at night, alcohol is causing you dread in the mornings, alcohol is causing you to feel guilt for someone else's choices.
Alanon can help. (Alanon would also benefit her mom)
Have you considered asking your gf to go stay with a friend or family member, temporarily?
It is a comfort and source of peace from chaos for me to spend one hour in an Alanon meeting. Everyone there knows what you are feeling. Everyone there wants relief from the chaos. Together we get stronger and healthier.
There are steps in Alanon, based on the same steps of AA. This is step one:
Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
As a (ex) spouse: I am no longer struggling to conquer an opponent that is more powerful. I don't have to fight that battle for someone else. I began to see how exhausted I was from trying to conquer that substance for someone else.
The next part is recognizing that my life had become unmanageable. Alcohol was making my life crazy and I wasn't drinking.
From your recent posts: alcohol is keeping you awake at night, alcohol is causing you dread in the mornings, alcohol is causing you to feel guilt for someone else's choices.
Alanon can help. (Alanon would also benefit her mom)
Have you considered asking your gf to go stay with a friend or family member, temporarily?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 244
You know what my mom always told me and when times are tough I just think them. "This is only a temporary situation". If you are planning to leave and saving money then just think, this is not the rest of my life this is only temporary. I was sick for a period when I was a teenager and thats what I would think, i can do this today because its not gonna last forever
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 19
Tuesday, September 28, 2010 ~ I haven't written for awhile due to the fact that ~ the s**t has really hit the fan. She got drunk on Thursday, September 23rd and also on Saturday, September 25th. Saturday was the worst day of them all ~ some guy in which I have no idea as to who he is ~ told her that I spoke with him and said to him that 'all she does is drink ALL THE TIME!' I have no idea who this guy is. I am not one to speak openly to a stranger about my home life personal problems ~ especially one who she comes in contact with periodically. I am still very stunned about this whole situation and very angered also. Not really sure if it is true but it did cause alot of friction between my girl and I. All I could say to her was ~ 'if you truly believe that I spoke with this a**hole about our personal life and your drinking ~ you are strongly mistaken!' I have enough troubles dealing with what happens behind closed doors ~ let alone what happens on the outside now.
BUT ~ as of Sunday and Monday (this week) ~ she hasn't drank and loves me a whole lot. I am so tired a feeling confused about how she really does feel about me. Saturday night she was done with me. Sunday morning we talked and she cried. She loved/loves me. The same went for Monday also. We went hiking in the Everglades. We had a good time. Something in which I have to admit was awesome. She had her camera and was taking pictures. As I sat back and watched her do what the one thing that she is really good at (when she is sober) ~ I silently thought to myself ~ 'there is the woman I fell in love with again.' She is so happy when she is looking through her lens. But gets so easily angered when she gets back to the house to view her pictures and sees that all she has taken was s**t. (I personally think she has a great eye and have told her that on many occassions.) I made sure that she didn't do that last evening ~ only in order to avoid a bad night. We ended up cooking dinner together and watching tv. It was nice.
I have to work this morning. Of course ~ the first thought that ran through my head when I awakened this morning was ~ will today be the day she chooses to drink? If she does ~ then I am going to have to call it done too ~ as she did to me Saturday. I think I am mentally - physically and emotionally drained anymore. This week is payday week and to take the money and leave ~ lays heavy on my mind and heart. Would leaving really be a good thing? I'm afraid that if I do ~ what will happen to her? Will it really be a wake up call? Or will it be the most devastating thing I have ever done? I do love her ~ always have and always will. Not real sure of what the right thing to do is anymore.
BUT ~ as of Sunday and Monday (this week) ~ she hasn't drank and loves me a whole lot. I am so tired a feeling confused about how she really does feel about me. Saturday night she was done with me. Sunday morning we talked and she cried. She loved/loves me. The same went for Monday also. We went hiking in the Everglades. We had a good time. Something in which I have to admit was awesome. She had her camera and was taking pictures. As I sat back and watched her do what the one thing that she is really good at (when she is sober) ~ I silently thought to myself ~ 'there is the woman I fell in love with again.' She is so happy when she is looking through her lens. But gets so easily angered when she gets back to the house to view her pictures and sees that all she has taken was s**t. (I personally think she has a great eye and have told her that on many occassions.) I made sure that she didn't do that last evening ~ only in order to avoid a bad night. We ended up cooking dinner together and watching tv. It was nice.
I have to work this morning. Of course ~ the first thought that ran through my head when I awakened this morning was ~ will today be the day she chooses to drink? If she does ~ then I am going to have to call it done too ~ as she did to me Saturday. I think I am mentally - physically and emotionally drained anymore. This week is payday week and to take the money and leave ~ lays heavy on my mind and heart. Would leaving really be a good thing? I'm afraid that if I do ~ what will happen to her? Will it really be a wake up call? Or will it be the most devastating thing I have ever done? I do love her ~ always have and always will. Not real sure of what the right thing to do is anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi TMVance,
Its the first time that I have come accross your post and just wanted to mention something from a book I have been reading as I think it may help. The book is called 'Living with a functioning alcoholic' by Dr Neill Neill, although the author uses the term 'functioning' lightly and argues that alcoholics are not functioning in all areas of their lives.
The chapter that I have just read entitled 'Are you in the dance of alcohol' and here is a brief synopsis as follows:
The dance of the alcohol - if you and your partner have entered the dance, you are probably finding that life revolves around them and their drinking. In the dance you try to please and appease and not upset them. You resent them and they blame you.
As the dance continues, self esteem gets lower and lower for both of you. The lower your self-esteem, the more uncertainty and chaos there is for you. What is happening to you in this situation is that you are becoming addicted to your partners rescue and care. If their life is about alcohol, yours is about looking after an alcoholic.
You cant back away from your addiction any easier than they can back away from theirs. Your attempts at not rescuing are fraught with guilt and shame. Just as they revert to drinking after another failed attempt to quit, you are back to doing what you do best, devoting yoursef to the rescue and care of an alcoholic. Round and round, you are dancing the dance of alcohol.
You and your partner have merged identities (codependancy). Codependancy is full of opposites. You have an intense pull towards your partner, you lose yourself in the need to care for them. On the other hand you have a strong need to pull away and get a life for yourself. You may have left and come back, and then left again and come back again, there seems to be no middle ground. You are overcompensating for their under-functioning. Codependency is what keeps your alcoholic partner stuck in their alcohol abuse.
If your partner is abusing alcohol and you are part of the codependent alcoholic dance, you are contributing to their continuing to drink. Nothing will change for the better while the dance continues. It can only get worse.
I am in this dance (22 years!) and it appears you are too, so I hope some of this helped you because it made an awful lot of sense to me and was powerful stuff. I have also read the codependency Melody Beatty book (mentioned on SR) several times now and I suggest you get yourself a copy, it really will help.
I will briefly sum up - you are not helping your partner when you and Its time for you to step up, find out about codependency, start mending your self esteem and do whats right for you and for the alcoholic.
Yes, I still love AH, and am still living with my AH, but we are currently cohabiting seperately (not speaking, sleeping or cooking etc) whilst I find somewhere to move to. He accepts that he is an alcoholic but doesnt want to live without alcohol and I have accepted that I am unable to live with an alcoholic and the chaos that brings anymore.
I have left in the past or thrown him out but we always get back together but the alcohol is still there so nothing changes. (Doing the dance) The biggest thing for me this time is that I am leaving for me, not for a way of shaking/waking him up. I dont care if he does shake up this time, I am still leaving. I have become so controlling, obsessive and feel physically sick with it all, thats it time I look after my own health and get me back on track.
Its the first time that I have come accross your post and just wanted to mention something from a book I have been reading as I think it may help. The book is called 'Living with a functioning alcoholic' by Dr Neill Neill, although the author uses the term 'functioning' lightly and argues that alcoholics are not functioning in all areas of their lives.
The chapter that I have just read entitled 'Are you in the dance of alcohol' and here is a brief synopsis as follows:
The dance of the alcohol - if you and your partner have entered the dance, you are probably finding that life revolves around them and their drinking. In the dance you try to please and appease and not upset them. You resent them and they blame you.
As the dance continues, self esteem gets lower and lower for both of you. The lower your self-esteem, the more uncertainty and chaos there is for you. What is happening to you in this situation is that you are becoming addicted to your partners rescue and care. If their life is about alcohol, yours is about looking after an alcoholic.
You cant back away from your addiction any easier than they can back away from theirs. Your attempts at not rescuing are fraught with guilt and shame. Just as they revert to drinking after another failed attempt to quit, you are back to doing what you do best, devoting yoursef to the rescue and care of an alcoholic. Round and round, you are dancing the dance of alcohol.
You and your partner have merged identities (codependancy). Codependancy is full of opposites. You have an intense pull towards your partner, you lose yourself in the need to care for them. On the other hand you have a strong need to pull away and get a life for yourself. You may have left and come back, and then left again and come back again, there seems to be no middle ground. You are overcompensating for their under-functioning. Codependency is what keeps your alcoholic partner stuck in their alcohol abuse.
If your partner is abusing alcohol and you are part of the codependent alcoholic dance, you are contributing to their continuing to drink. Nothing will change for the better while the dance continues. It can only get worse.
I am in this dance (22 years!) and it appears you are too, so I hope some of this helped you because it made an awful lot of sense to me and was powerful stuff. I have also read the codependency Melody Beatty book (mentioned on SR) several times now and I suggest you get yourself a copy, it really will help.
I will briefly sum up - you are not helping your partner when you
made sure that she didn't do that last evening~ only in order to avoid a bad night
Would leaving really be a good thing? I'm afraid that if I do ~ what will happen to her? Will it really be a wake up call? Or will it be the most devastating thing I have ever done? I do love her ~ always have and always will.
Yes, I still love AH, and am still living with my AH, but we are currently cohabiting seperately (not speaking, sleeping or cooking etc) whilst I find somewhere to move to. He accepts that he is an alcoholic but doesnt want to live without alcohol and I have accepted that I am unable to live with an alcoholic and the chaos that brings anymore.
I have left in the past or thrown him out but we always get back together but the alcohol is still there so nothing changes. (Doing the dance) The biggest thing for me this time is that I am leaving for me, not for a way of shaking/waking him up. I dont care if he does shake up this time, I am still leaving. I have become so controlling, obsessive and feel physically sick with it all, thats it time I look after my own health and get me back on track.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: ozarks
Posts: 85
at some point most folks say "enough".....
only you can decide when that point is.
i made it slightly more than a year and knew long before that that my options were to either stay and ride the rollercoaster or call it quits and seek sanity.
only you can decide when that point is.
i made it slightly more than a year and knew long before that that my options were to either stay and ride the rollercoaster or call it quits and seek sanity.
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