newbie coming out from lurking
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: canada
Posts: 16
newbie coming out from lurking
My AH is an alcoholic. It started when I starteduniversity (16 years ago), when he would come home after work and have a few beers. In the last 8 years, since the birth of our second child, it has escalated, and goes in cycles of him not drinking very much or very often to him drinking a lot every day. I love him so incredibly much and he has so many good qualities, but I am sick and tired of the roller coaster ride; the bad days out number the good. I am tired of not being financially stable, and I am tired of getting blamed for everything.
Last week, after I told him that I was going to alanon meetings (I have been going for the last month), he was pretty miffed, and said that he would quit drinking if I would change too (he has often said that he is more functional drunk than I am sober—referring to my organizational and time management skills. I admit that these are not strong areas for me, but I am always trying to do better, and I don’t think I am as dysfunctional as he thinks I am).
I am enjoying going to alanon, because I don't feel so alone in this (I had never talked to anyone IRL about it. I enjoy reading about everyone’s experience here on SR, and also don’t feel alone.
Since finding this site and reading all the stories, I have come to realize that it is unlikely that he will ever change. Even if he stops drinking, he is not addressing the issue as to why he drinks (all his childhood issues that he hasn’t resolved. He truly did have a bad childhood). He knows he has a drinking problem, and he knows why he drinks--it is his escape from reality into his dream world.
So, I’m in the process of planning to leave. Our 8 year old DD is the main reason. I don't want her growing up thinking living like this is normal. So far she doesn’t seem to be affected by AH’s drinking; she is oblivious to his drinking and drunken behavior. Our 19 yo DS, on the other hand, moved out last summer because he didn’t want to be subjected to AH’s drunken verbal diarrhea.
My AH isn’t physically abusive, but he is verbally abusive (only when he is drinking, and usually only after he has had a certain amount of alcohol). He is not a name caller, but he is extremely critical, he blames and makes discounting statements. (I read the “The Verbally Abusive Relationship" a few years ago, and I just bought one a few weeks ago to re-visit it).
About 4 or 5 years ago, after a big argument about his drinking I told him to leave. He refused, and then threatened that if I left, that I wouldn’t be taking DD with me. So, I stayed because I didn’t want to risk losing DD. Last year when we were going through a rough time, and he said that we were pretty much over, he said that neither of us can afford to move out. But I can’t afford to stay any longer. I feel like I am wasting my life waiting around for the man I know he is, when he not drinking, to show up. He has no zest for life and is not getting any soon, and I don’t want to live this way anymore. He doesn’t take care of himself and I don’t want to get stuck caring for him if his health declines. With the frequency and amount of alcohol he drinks, I am sure that this will happen at some point in the future.
As it is right now, he jokes about me getting richer so he can retire. Currently, he has developed an over use injury from his work. Of course, it is partly my fault because I get to do a job I love because I went to university while he supported me (only partially!), and he is stuck doing a job that he hates because he has no other options.
Right now, I can’t afford to move out because I don’t have a lot of money saved. Plus rentals are ridiculously high. Even if AH willing left (which probably won’t happen) I don’t think I can pay the rent where we currently reside, and I am probably going to have to pick up some extra work to be able to get an apartment for DD and I.
Things may work out, so I don’t have to move far, and I don’t have to make extra money. My sister is planning on moving to another province, and it is possible that I can take over her position as a resident manager in the apartment building. I am not really looking forward to taking over the job, it is not the most ideal location, and it is only a one bedroom apartment, but it isn’t far from where we currently live. This means that I will only have to pay a couple hundred dollars a month for rent, and I won’t have to uproot DD from her school and friends.
I have my own business and I am busiest from April –June, so I should be able to set aside even more money then. I am aiming to make a change by the beginning of August (after dd’s birthday), at the very latest.
Anyways, if you have read this far, thank you for listening.
(This afternoon, after AH was sober for a couple of day in a row and everything felt good, I got home to find that he has just finished drinking half a 26 of rum--I think you guys call it a fifth. I am glad I have my alanon meeting tonight!)
Last week, after I told him that I was going to alanon meetings (I have been going for the last month), he was pretty miffed, and said that he would quit drinking if I would change too (he has often said that he is more functional drunk than I am sober—referring to my organizational and time management skills. I admit that these are not strong areas for me, but I am always trying to do better, and I don’t think I am as dysfunctional as he thinks I am).
I am enjoying going to alanon, because I don't feel so alone in this (I had never talked to anyone IRL about it. I enjoy reading about everyone’s experience here on SR, and also don’t feel alone.
Since finding this site and reading all the stories, I have come to realize that it is unlikely that he will ever change. Even if he stops drinking, he is not addressing the issue as to why he drinks (all his childhood issues that he hasn’t resolved. He truly did have a bad childhood). He knows he has a drinking problem, and he knows why he drinks--it is his escape from reality into his dream world.
So, I’m in the process of planning to leave. Our 8 year old DD is the main reason. I don't want her growing up thinking living like this is normal. So far she doesn’t seem to be affected by AH’s drinking; she is oblivious to his drinking and drunken behavior. Our 19 yo DS, on the other hand, moved out last summer because he didn’t want to be subjected to AH’s drunken verbal diarrhea.
My AH isn’t physically abusive, but he is verbally abusive (only when he is drinking, and usually only after he has had a certain amount of alcohol). He is not a name caller, but he is extremely critical, he blames and makes discounting statements. (I read the “The Verbally Abusive Relationship" a few years ago, and I just bought one a few weeks ago to re-visit it).
About 4 or 5 years ago, after a big argument about his drinking I told him to leave. He refused, and then threatened that if I left, that I wouldn’t be taking DD with me. So, I stayed because I didn’t want to risk losing DD. Last year when we were going through a rough time, and he said that we were pretty much over, he said that neither of us can afford to move out. But I can’t afford to stay any longer. I feel like I am wasting my life waiting around for the man I know he is, when he not drinking, to show up. He has no zest for life and is not getting any soon, and I don’t want to live this way anymore. He doesn’t take care of himself and I don’t want to get stuck caring for him if his health declines. With the frequency and amount of alcohol he drinks, I am sure that this will happen at some point in the future.
As it is right now, he jokes about me getting richer so he can retire. Currently, he has developed an over use injury from his work. Of course, it is partly my fault because I get to do a job I love because I went to university while he supported me (only partially!), and he is stuck doing a job that he hates because he has no other options.
Right now, I can’t afford to move out because I don’t have a lot of money saved. Plus rentals are ridiculously high. Even if AH willing left (which probably won’t happen) I don’t think I can pay the rent where we currently reside, and I am probably going to have to pick up some extra work to be able to get an apartment for DD and I.
Things may work out, so I don’t have to move far, and I don’t have to make extra money. My sister is planning on moving to another province, and it is possible that I can take over her position as a resident manager in the apartment building. I am not really looking forward to taking over the job, it is not the most ideal location, and it is only a one bedroom apartment, but it isn’t far from where we currently live. This means that I will only have to pay a couple hundred dollars a month for rent, and I won’t have to uproot DD from her school and friends.
I have my own business and I am busiest from April –June, so I should be able to set aside even more money then. I am aiming to make a change by the beginning of August (after dd’s birthday), at the very latest.
Anyways, if you have read this far, thank you for listening.
(This afternoon, after AH was sober for a couple of day in a row and everything felt good, I got home to find that he has just finished drinking half a 26 of rum--I think you guys call it a fifth. I am glad I have my alanon meeting tonight!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: canada
Posts: 16
Hi, Anvil! Thanks for the welcome. In a weird way is nice to have others who have had similar experiences. At least I know that I don't feel like it is all in my head!
I am working on setting boundaries. Since he is drinking on a daily basis right now, it is hard to say that I won't talk to him when he drinking. But I have been refusing to get pulled into any arguements, and I have been walking away when he starts in on blaming me for anything, or exhibits any type of verbal abuse. The first time I did that (walking away) without engaging him at all, it left him a bit stunned I think.
This past sunday, my AH had been drinking with a neighbor and came home shortly after our son came over for a visit. My son refused to engage him at all, and when my AH started in on him with the verbal abuse, my son called a cab and went home without saying a word. I had already gone to bed at this point, and came out of the bedroom, and AH asked if I was also going to pretend like he wasn't there. I said yes. He asked " what did I do tonight" and I told him that I don't like talking to him when he is drinking. He said "well, you better go back to bed because I am drunk". He then spent the next 30-45 minutes muttering to himself. Then he was sober for 2 days.
But we are back to square one today. He knows that I won't engage him in any way while drinking, so he decided to go to the pub to watch the Canada/Russia hockey game tonight rathere than stay at home to watch it. He will get home just after DD goes to bed and in time for me to go to my alanon meeting.
I am working on setting boundaries. Since he is drinking on a daily basis right now, it is hard to say that I won't talk to him when he drinking. But I have been refusing to get pulled into any arguements, and I have been walking away when he starts in on blaming me for anything, or exhibits any type of verbal abuse. The first time I did that (walking away) without engaging him at all, it left him a bit stunned I think.
This past sunday, my AH had been drinking with a neighbor and came home shortly after our son came over for a visit. My son refused to engage him at all, and when my AH started in on him with the verbal abuse, my son called a cab and went home without saying a word. I had already gone to bed at this point, and came out of the bedroom, and AH asked if I was also going to pretend like he wasn't there. I said yes. He asked " what did I do tonight" and I told him that I don't like talking to him when he is drinking. He said "well, you better go back to bed because I am drunk". He then spent the next 30-45 minutes muttering to himself. Then he was sober for 2 days.
But we are back to square one today. He knows that I won't engage him in any way while drinking, so he decided to go to the pub to watch the Canada/Russia hockey game tonight rathere than stay at home to watch it. He will get home just after DD goes to bed and in time for me to go to my alanon meeting.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. You will find lots of information and support for yourself here.
I also made a plan. I seperated finances, started detaching, setting financial goals, etc. I also started consulting legal counsel. I needed to know what my options were. It helps to know what the laws are and get legal guidance to know what you should and should not do to protect yourself financially and legally as a parent.
We're glad you are here.
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. You will find lots of information and support for yourself here.
I also made a plan. I seperated finances, started detaching, setting financial goals, etc. I also started consulting legal counsel. I needed to know what my options were. It helps to know what the laws are and get legal guidance to know what you should and should not do to protect yourself financially and legally as a parent.
We're glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
The thing that stuck out at me was that your DD is oblivious. I guarantee, she is not oblivious. Even if she is consciously unaware, she in unconsciously over-aware.
YUCK! to that abuse!
Good for you for starting to do the work.
Everyone before has had great advice.
Keep plugging away at the plan.
Stick around.
Keep reading.
Hugs,
w
The thing that stuck out at me was that your DD is oblivious. I guarantee, she is not oblivious. Even if she is consciously unaware, she in unconsciously over-aware.
YUCK! to that abuse!
Good for you for starting to do the work.
Everyone before has had great advice.
Keep plugging away at the plan.
Stick around.
Keep reading.
Hugs,
w
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Welcome to SR!
You have found a good place to get help.
Echoing the advice to "make a plan." I stayed stuck in my marriage for years before I finally sat down and crunched numbers and formulated a plan for myself. Having that plan in place gave me the courage to ask him to move out and to begin working on my own problems instead of tolerating his.
You have found a good place to get help.
Echoing the advice to "make a plan." I stayed stuck in my marriage for years before I finally sat down and crunched numbers and formulated a plan for myself. Having that plan in place gave me the courage to ask him to move out and to begin working on my own problems instead of tolerating his.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by Cadence 
I had already gone to bed at this point, and came out of the bedroom, and AH asked if I was also going to pretend like he wasn't there. I said yes. He asked " what did I do tonight" and I told him that I don't like talking to him when he is drinking. He said "well, you better go back to bed because I am drunk". He then spent the next 30-45 minutes muttering to himself.
Peace and
coming your way...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Cadence...
You have gotten awesome advice so far. I'd like to echo some of it:
Plan plan plan. Start stashing away important documents, like birth certificate, marriage certificate, passport, financial statements, someplace inaccessible to your husband (like at your sister's place). You'll need those later on when you file for divorce.
That property manager job doesn't sound so bad if it allows you and your DD to finally live away from the madness your AH brings with him. A one-bedroom is do-able if you're single with a child...you could have two single beds in the room, or give DD the room and get a futon for yourself in the living room. I've been considering the same thing for myself and my DD when we move out from my parents' place.
Also, I'd lawyer up if I were you. Perhaps start looking around for a lawyer who would be willing to do a free initial consultation. Organize all your questions and write them down, so you maximize your time with him/her.
Overall, it seems you're doing great with Al-Anon, SR and detaching slowly.
Keep posting!
You have gotten awesome advice so far. I'd like to echo some of it:
Plan plan plan. Start stashing away important documents, like birth certificate, marriage certificate, passport, financial statements, someplace inaccessible to your husband (like at your sister's place). You'll need those later on when you file for divorce.
That property manager job doesn't sound so bad if it allows you and your DD to finally live away from the madness your AH brings with him. A one-bedroom is do-able if you're single with a child...you could have two single beds in the room, or give DD the room and get a futon for yourself in the living room. I've been considering the same thing for myself and my DD when we move out from my parents' place.
Also, I'd lawyer up if I were you. Perhaps start looking around for a lawyer who would be willing to do a free initial consultation. Organize all your questions and write them down, so you maximize your time with him/her.
Overall, it seems you're doing great with Al-Anon, SR and detaching slowly.
Keep posting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: canada
Posts: 16
Thank you everyone!!
I am good today
I am feeling strong. I am happy that both kids are here for lunch.
My AH didn't have to work today. He ordered another 26 of rum after I left, and is sleeping his drunk off from last night.
I will start collecting things that I will need to keep. I pretty much have all important info stashed in my file cabinet.
I will look into getting legal councel. We are not married, but have been common law for almost 22 years. We don't own our house, we have our own separate businesses. So I don't think I will have to deal with all the financial crap a lot of married couples go through when divorcing. I just want to make sure that I have sole custody and that he pays child support.
While talking with a friend after our alanon meeting last night, I realized that DD is definitely not oblivious. My friend is an ACoA, and it makes me so sad to hear how long the effects of living with an alcoholic father lasts.
I am good today
I am feeling strong. I am happy that both kids are here for lunch.My AH didn't have to work today. He ordered another 26 of rum after I left, and is sleeping his drunk off from last night.
I will start collecting things that I will need to keep. I pretty much have all important info stashed in my file cabinet.
I will look into getting legal councel. We are not married, but have been common law for almost 22 years. We don't own our house, we have our own separate businesses. So I don't think I will have to deal with all the financial crap a lot of married couples go through when divorcing. I just want to make sure that I have sole custody and that he pays child support.
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
Welcome!
The thing that stuck out at me was that your DD is oblivious. I guarantee, she is not oblivious. Even if she is consciously unaware, she in unconsciously over-aware.
The thing that stuck out at me was that your DD is oblivious. I guarantee, she is not oblivious. Even if she is consciously unaware, she in unconsciously over-aware.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by Cadence
While talking with a friend after our alanon meeting last night, I realized that DD is definitely not oblivious. My friend is an ACoA, and it makes me so sad to hear how long the effects of living with an alcoholic father lasts.
1234
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: canada
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by 1234
What you are doing right now - protecting her by leaving your husband - will be part of her understanding of her past and her emotional makeup. Some of us, like me, used to pray that our sober parent would protect us from the emotional chaos and negativity of the alcoholic parent. You are doing that. You have my respect!! Stay strong!
1234
1234
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Cadence...all you can do is open the door for your son. Only he can choose to step through. Perhaps in time, he'll seek out Al-Anon. Right now though, he seems to have a good mechanism for dealing with his father; whenever daddy gets out of hand 'cause he's blotto, he just leaves.
As for your daughter, talk to her! I've heard from a lot of ACOA that they wish the topic of alcoholism/addiction hadn't been so forbidden when it was plainly obvious what was going on....
Though my stepson is no longer in my life, through no choice of my own, I did introduce him to Al-Anon when I found SR, because I thought that as the son of an alcoholic, he'd have a lot to say and lots to ask about. If I gauge his reaction, I think I was right. Though his father managed to convince him that he's not an alcoholic and refocused his attention elsewhere, I'm still glad that I introduced my stepson to the concept of Al-Anon, even if he's only 12.
As for your daughter, talk to her! I've heard from a lot of ACOA that they wish the topic of alcoholism/addiction hadn't been so forbidden when it was plainly obvious what was going on....
Though my stepson is no longer in my life, through no choice of my own, I did introduce him to Al-Anon when I found SR, because I thought that as the son of an alcoholic, he'd have a lot to say and lots to ask about. If I gauge his reaction, I think I was right. Though his father managed to convince him that he's not an alcoholic and refocused his attention elsewhere, I'm still glad that I introduced my stepson to the concept of Al-Anon, even if he's only 12.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: canada
Posts: 16
Thanks, noday. But how do I bring up the subject of her dad's drinking? I know that sounds odd, but I am not sure what to say, and how much to say. I don't want it to seem like I am turning her against her dad, IYKWIM?
In recent weeks, she has heard me say that I won't talk to her dad when he drinking, but she hasn't questioned it yet. She does know he drinks beer and rum sometimes. She knows what it means to be drunk, from seeing our neighbor who is often visibly drunk (staggering, falling down, incoherent), but I don't think she has made the connection.
Oh, and what is with the AH feeling loving and amorous the next day after a drunk? my AH just asked me if I wanted to have sex (not quite in those words
) and I turned him down. I find it a turn off knowing how he was acting/behaving the day before. I wonder if it is his way of trying to make up (for lack of a better word right now)? Anyone else experience something similar?
In recent weeks, she has heard me say that I won't talk to her dad when he drinking, but she hasn't questioned it yet. She does know he drinks beer and rum sometimes. She knows what it means to be drunk, from seeing our neighbor who is often visibly drunk (staggering, falling down, incoherent), but I don't think she has made the connection.
Oh, and what is with the AH feeling loving and amorous the next day after a drunk? my AH just asked me if I wanted to have sex (not quite in those words
) and I turned him down. I find it a turn off knowing how he was acting/behaving the day before. I wonder if it is his way of trying to make up (for lack of a better word right now)? Anyone else experience something similar?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Cadence
Oh, and what is with the AH feeling loving and amorous the next day after a drunk? my AH just asked me if I wanted to have sex (not quite in those words ) and I turned him down. I find it a turn off knowing how he was acting/behaving the day before. I wonder if it is his way of trying to make up (for lack of a better word right now)? Anyone else experience something similar?
) and I turned him down. I find it a turn off knowing how he was acting/behaving the day before. I wonder if it is his way of trying to make up (for lack of a better word right now)? Anyone else experience something similar?
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