Duped

If I may chime in, I have learned that tone of voice is effective in only so much as the level of addiction/denial the person in question is in the grips of. If it's serious denial, tone of voice may not matter much.....merely even suggesting in a calm voice could be enough to set them off.

rover

Sooo true. I can bring it up in the nicest, calmest matter and I am the worst person in the world. I need to let it go. Or I always want to nag. It doesn't matter how we approach it, they automatically go into defense mode because they know we are right but they will never admit.

Duped

Hey. I can totally relate. I can suggest in a nicest voice possible that the exAGF may drink too much and she flips out. Then come the accusations - 'You don't respect me!!', 'You don't treat me nicely!!'

When I was still with her she would say, "I don't deserve to be treated so poorly! I'm going to find someone who will treat me nicely!! You're just abusive!!" or my personal fave, "I'm not going to play your sick games!! I've only have a couple of drinks ever and you're all over me.".....as she's slurring her words and stumbling..... Enough to drive you mad at times.

Luckily I can walk away anytime I want to now.

danielsgirl

I'm getting my boundaries identified and am stuck on one area. I know that I won't have another drunk phone call with him and if he calls when drunk I will hang up. Boundary/consequence. Check. I know that I don't want to accept him canceling dates because he might get 'swizzled' like he did this past week, that I mentioned in my first thread. I don't want him setting me aside for booze, period. How do I rephrase that so it is MY boundary instead of what I don't want him to do.. and I also can't think of a consequence. Any advice? I'm trying to keep the mirror turned to myself instead of on him and focus on what 'I' need. This is hard!

NoelleR

"...I don't want to accept him canceling dates because he might get 'swizzled' like he did this past week...I don't want him setting me aside for booze, period..."


I hope I can make this so as it's understood by all, or at least most.....I see this as perhaps three scenarios.....:

1) He shows ups at your door schnockered;
2) He blows you off completely and never shows up; and
3) He shows up ok, but goes on to get schnockered at the function.

Well, in response to those scenarios, my boundaries might be.....:

1) "If you show up at my door for a function, and are already 'schnockered,' I will leave you at the front door, call a cab, or drive myself to said function, and find myself a more responsible '+1' for future functions;"
2) "In the future, if you ever blow me off entirely, I will get myself to the function, and all future functions with a new, responsible '+1';" and
3) "If, while at a fuction, you proceed to get schynockered, I will....: a)leave you at said function (being sure that I have the car and carkeys; you can walk); and b) I will find myself a new, responsible +1 for future functions."

I don't know how these might work for you, or perhaps not, but they sure did work for me...........LOLOL


NoelleR

coffeedrinker

i think what you're really saying, is that you don't want him to choose alcohol over you. you don't want him to be an alcoholic.

danielsgirl

Thank you, Anvilhead. I like how you worded that boundary for myself and it feels right to me. Coffeedrinker...you are right. I don't want him to be an alcoholic. I keep finding myself trying to negotiate it away in my mind, bargaining with myself to try to believe that it isn't real, etc. Acceptance is hard.

Duped

Blackmailing our own emotions really.

danielsgirl

Why can't it always be like this? If you remember, we are in a long distance relationship. My fiance and I have been spending the past 5 days together and will be together until this Sunday. Gone is the mean guy, the fatalistic hopeless guy and in his place is this wonderfully supportive, generous, kind, loving and patient man. He isn't drinking too much, he is drinking like a normal drinker would socially. Only a couple times he has had alcohol - a glass of wine with dinner and a couple of beers a few days ago. This is the man that I love... and it makes me question if those other times really happen. I know they do, but it confuses me. Why can't it continue like this? Has anybody else gone through this? Why can they control it like this and then for whatever reason it slides back. It is so darn confusing. I am enjoying things like they are now, but at the same time, I am apprehensive because I don't know how long it will last. <sigh>

iwantcontrol

i've felt that so many times when things are good. it never lasts longer than a few days for me. then its back to normal. i always wonder why he doesn't want it to always be good. he probably does want that, he just can't make it happen

chrisea

for someone to comply to someone's ideal, is like trying to postpone the inevitable. They only do it, to placate the situation & then hoping you forget about & accept what really is... It seems to me that... this desired quality - has to be there to begin with.

In other words, this kind of relationship either is or isn't there from the get go... waiting for it or hoping they realize this, is probably a waste of time. Jmo

I just know that I have seen this kind of relationship, but this kind of best friend, partner... hasn't been mine.

I enjoy my life, peace, serenity, no chaos... Life is Good

danielsgirl

That's the thing though.. our relationship is like this the majority of the time. It just seems to fall apart at other times. It is so confusing.

coffeedrinker

yes, it is confusing. i think it's kind of a dance they do. it's the "i'm not really an alcoholic cuz i don't drink every day, don't always drink to excess, have control of my drinking" dance. it keeps them questioning if they "are" or not, and keeps us questioning as well. the thing is, addiction is progressive. eventually it will get worse - more drinking to excess, more consequences of said behavior, less mr. wonderful. sorry, hon, but that is how i feel.

(unless he gets sober and starts recovering)