why do we try
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 59
why do we try
I have attempted to have a semi distant normal relationship with my ABF. He knows i am in counseling and part of what i am working on is trying to get to know who i really am and in the mean time also discovering things about him that i never took the time to understand being that we were together for two months and moved in together. I occasionally will send him articles that i find interesting regarding relationships, alcoholism etc. I was reading a persons story online where they had emailed a psychologist regarding the relationship they had with their so.
It sounded very similar to my relationship with my abf. The girl in the story was believed to have borderling personality disorder. Although i know i am not a dr. i decided to ask him if he had ever been diagnosed with it. More out of curiousity on my part then anything else he got angry with me and told me to stop trying to fix him and work on myself.
Strange how whenever i ask anything that pertains to him that is always his answer yet when he asks me a question he expects an answer immediately. WTH!!!!!!! I am really wondering why i havent just given up . I can see that he isnt interested in changing anything in his life but i thought that he would atleast be willing to work on things between us.
It sounded very similar to my relationship with my abf. The girl in the story was believed to have borderling personality disorder. Although i know i am not a dr. i decided to ask him if he had ever been diagnosed with it. More out of curiousity on my part then anything else he got angry with me and told me to stop trying to fix him and work on myself.
Strange how whenever i ask anything that pertains to him that is always his answer yet when he asks me a question he expects an answer immediately. WTH!!!!!!! I am really wondering why i havent just given up . I can see that he isnt interested in changing anything in his life but i thought that he would atleast be willing to work on things between us.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I will say as gently as I can that there are 2 things that appear to be at play.
One is you diagnosing him (I can understand him not wanting you to do his personal growth work for him). This is the first part of codependency, right? It is easier to assess and try to get them to fix themselves rather than assess ourselves and do our own work.
And two, him being unreasonable and demanding you answer immediately is the second part of codependency. We overlook the need for our own boundaries when we are not treated with respect. You're right it is a double standard he has. What boundary are you not setting when he makes unreasonable demands?
I am currently fascinated with the two-sided codependency as it surfaces in my own life. How I both avoid my own work by focusing on his AND avoid setting the boundaries I need to stay sane.
Hugs to you.
w
One is you diagnosing him (I can understand him not wanting you to do his personal growth work for him). This is the first part of codependency, right? It is easier to assess and try to get them to fix themselves rather than assess ourselves and do our own work.
And two, him being unreasonable and demanding you answer immediately is the second part of codependency. We overlook the need for our own boundaries when we are not treated with respect. You're right it is a double standard he has. What boundary are you not setting when he makes unreasonable demands?
I am currently fascinated with the two-sided codependency as it surfaces in my own life. How I both avoid my own work by focusing on his AND avoid setting the boundaries I need to stay sane.
Hugs to you.
w
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 59
codependent
I guess my real issue is the fact i am frustrated with myself for even caring and wondering why i cant just forget and move on. He even told me once that he knows no matter how much time we take apart i am going to leave. Creepy if you ask me how he seems to know me better than i do! Even more frustrating is the fact that i allow him to treat me the way i do! I am still learning about boundaries and although i have set a few with what i wont allow i have yet to tell him what i will and will not allow. My counselor suggested a book but i am still waiting for it to show up should be this friday. Until then i think i am just repeating the same dumb mistakes. I am even more angry that he helps me by telling me to mind my own business but wont help himself either. UGH why cant i figure out where caring ends and being codependent begins. 
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I too struggle with this issue, and I assume I'll be struggling with it for a very long time. Whenever I'm about to do something for someone else, I always ask myself: did the person ask me to do this? Am I sticking my nose where it doesn't belong?
I don't remember who, but someone here on SR posted a series of questions to ask oneself before doing anything for someone else, and I found them to be rather useful, seeing as I'm always going out of my way for others, even when those "others" haven't asked me for anything.
With regards to your ABF, I tend to think you should be kinder to yourself and realize that it'll take some time for you not to automatically try to "help him out" or simply reach out to him. It's a habit you've had for a very long time now! I get what you're trying to do: you're trying to have a discussion with him about the issues you both face in your relationship. But he obviously isn't interested!
I don't remember who, but someone here on SR posted a series of questions to ask oneself before doing anything for someone else, and I found them to be rather useful, seeing as I'm always going out of my way for others, even when those "others" haven't asked me for anything.
With regards to your ABF, I tend to think you should be kinder to yourself and realize that it'll take some time for you not to automatically try to "help him out" or simply reach out to him. It's a habit you've had for a very long time now! I get what you're trying to do: you're trying to have a discussion with him about the issues you both face in your relationship. But he obviously isn't interested!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
veracious, i am in exactly the same position - i am trying to work out what my issues are and am reading lots on the net and seeing a counsellor. I am also looking into my ABFs issues (depression and alcoholism) and I too send him links or articles that i think might be interesting or useful to him. I get so annoyed when he doesn't even bother to look at them, or when I ask what he thought of them he just says nothing or 'yeah they're alright, what do you want me to say?'. That makes me want to pull my hair out, but I stil continue to send stuff i think is useful. Now I've started to send it and mention in maybe once or twice as part of a friendly conversation, and now he does seem to look at some of them in his own time. I've realised it is importnat for him to think he is choosing to look at it, rather than jsut looking at it because i've told him too. If he wants to change he will look when he's ready.
I have also been shouted at and told to 'look after myself' and stop trying to fix him. In the past I've shouted back of course, and have said things like 'well someone needs to be looking out for you as you clearly can't do that yourself' (oops). I'm trying so hard to let me deal with his own issues while i work on mine. I still interfere, I still suggest things, but i'm improving and am not forcing him to do things. I'm going to make it clear that he needs to sort himself out if we are going to work, and that if he doesn't I will have to split from him. I need him to realise that I am serious about it.
I'm slowly starting to detach emotionally from his drinking because I realised he is not in recovery, he is an active A and is going to drink. I am still working out boundaries but things are getting clearer (again, very slowly). It is so hard when you think you have all the answers to 'fix' someone else and they don't take a blind bit of notice. They say they can sort it themselves but do nothing - only continue to make it worse. But, as everyone on here says, they will only do something to sort themselves out when they are ready. I really do feel your frustration though - i'm trying to work out where to channel mine.
I have also been shouted at and told to 'look after myself' and stop trying to fix him. In the past I've shouted back of course, and have said things like 'well someone needs to be looking out for you as you clearly can't do that yourself' (oops). I'm trying so hard to let me deal with his own issues while i work on mine. I still interfere, I still suggest things, but i'm improving and am not forcing him to do things. I'm going to make it clear that he needs to sort himself out if we are going to work, and that if he doesn't I will have to split from him. I need him to realise that I am serious about it.
I'm slowly starting to detach emotionally from his drinking because I realised he is not in recovery, he is an active A and is going to drink. I am still working out boundaries but things are getting clearer (again, very slowly). It is so hard when you think you have all the answers to 'fix' someone else and they don't take a blind bit of notice. They say they can sort it themselves but do nothing - only continue to make it worse. But, as everyone on here says, they will only do something to sort themselves out when they are ready. I really do feel your frustration though - i'm trying to work out where to channel mine.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol 
I'm going to make it clear that he needs to sort himself out if we are going to work, and that if he doesn't I will have to split from him. I need him to realise that I am serious about it.
L
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I can't tell you HOW many times I said, Stop drinking or I'm leaving you'. Even as I said it, I knew it was an empty threat, and so did he.
Once I finally grew a pair, and walked out on his addiction, I freed myself. No amount of talking could have changed him. He has to want it, he has to own it, and he has to work it.
No amount of wishing on my part could or would change that! Hard to come to terms with, but it gives you so much peace when you take yourself out of the equation, and realize the beer or drug is the first love. *sigh* No amount of talking will ever change that fact.
Once I finally grew a pair, and walked out on his addiction, I freed myself. No amount of talking could have changed him. He has to want it, he has to own it, and he has to work it.
No amount of wishing on my part could or would change that! Hard to come to terms with, but it gives you so much peace when you take yourself out of the equation, and realize the beer or drug is the first love. *sigh* No amount of talking will ever change that fact.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
veracious, i am in exactly the same position - i am trying to work out what my issues are and am reading lots on the net and seeing a counsellor. I am also looking into my ABFs issues (depression and alcoholism) and I too send him links or articles that i think might be interesting or useful to him. I get so annoyed when he doesn't even bother to look at them, or when I ask what he thought of them he just says nothing or 'yeah they're alright, what do you want me to say?'. That makes me want to pull my hair out, but I stil continue to send stuff i think is useful. Now I've started to send it and mention in maybe once or twice as part of a friendly conversation, and now he does seem to look at some of them in his own time. I've realised it is importnat for him to think he is choosing to look at it, rather than jsut looking at it because i've told him too. If he wants to change he will look when he's ready.
I have also been shouted at and told to 'look after myself' and stop trying to fix him. In the past I've shouted back of course, and have said things like 'well someone needs to be looking out for you as you clearly can't do that yourself' (oops). I'm trying so hard to let me deal with his own issues while i work on mine. I still interfere, I still suggest things, but i'm improving and am not forcing him to do things. I'm going to make it clear that he needs to sort himself out if we are going to work, and that if he doesn't I will have to split from him. I need him to realise that I am serious about it.
I'm slowly starting to detach emotionally from his drinking because I realised he is not in recovery, he is an active A and is going to drink. I am still working out boundaries but things are getting clearer (again, very slowly). It is so hard when you think you have all the answers to 'fix' someone else and they don't take a blind bit of notice. They say they can sort it themselves but do nothing - only continue to make it worse. But, as everyone on here says, they will only do something to sort themselves out when they are ready. I really do feel your frustration though - i'm trying to work out where to channel mine.
I have also been shouted at and told to 'look after myself' and stop trying to fix him. In the past I've shouted back of course, and have said things like 'well someone needs to be looking out for you as you clearly can't do that yourself' (oops). I'm trying so hard to let me deal with his own issues while i work on mine. I still interfere, I still suggest things, but i'm improving and am not forcing him to do things. I'm going to make it clear that he needs to sort himself out if we are going to work, and that if he doesn't I will have to split from him. I need him to realise that I am serious about it.
I'm slowly starting to detach emotionally from his drinking because I realised he is not in recovery, he is an active A and is going to drink. I am still working out boundaries but things are getting clearer (again, very slowly). It is so hard when you think you have all the answers to 'fix' someone else and they don't take a blind bit of notice. They say they can sort it themselves but do nothing - only continue to make it worse. But, as everyone on here says, they will only do something to sort themselves out when they are ready. I really do feel your frustration though - i'm trying to work out where to channel mine.
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