I am really tired of accepting...
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
I am really tired of accepting...
OK. So, you have to know that I've posted about this a couple of times and I'm about to do it again. You also have to know that talking about this is completely against my nature. I am not one to "publicly" discuss personal matters and it makes me completely uncomfortable. You also might want to know that I am in a super "woe is me" place that even I can't stand... I mean, I want to slap my own face.
It's really over. How do I know?
Today is my 40th birthday and he didn't call, email... nothing. Total silence from his end. That I cancelled a trip to Africa with Habitat for Humanity so I could spend my birthday with him... yeah, I feel REALLY STUPID about that right now. It's not that he held a gun to my head and said "I don't want you to go to Africa", but he did make it very known that he was against the trip. I now realize that I underestimated his manipulative nature and overestimated my own awareness of such behavior.
I can't believe this. How I am feeling right now... I am so ANGRY.
Yes, the relationship is over. Yes, it's for the best. YES, I wouldn't change a thing. But right now I am ANGRY. For the first time.
I don't know if I am more angry at him or myself. That's a lie.
I'm angry at myself. That I let myself, for one second, HOPE he might call. That I, for one second, felt HURT that he didn't. That every time an email popped up or the phone rang or a text came in, that I didn't immediately feel some disappointment that it wasn't him... instead of being immediately happy that it was from a loving friend. This is absolutely insane. I am smarter than this. I deserve better than this. Have I lost my mind???
Why on earth is this still haunting me? Why can't I give up this dream? When will I stop automatically adding three hours to the time when I look at the clock and wonder what he's doing??? I am making myself nuts over this... this... relationship that NEVER WAS.
I just want to yell at him! I want to explain to him how devastating this is to me! I want to understand...
But I know this will never happen.
I just have to accept it for what it is.
A real break up for a pretend relationship.
It's really over. How do I know?
Today is my 40th birthday and he didn't call, email... nothing. Total silence from his end. That I cancelled a trip to Africa with Habitat for Humanity so I could spend my birthday with him... yeah, I feel REALLY STUPID about that right now. It's not that he held a gun to my head and said "I don't want you to go to Africa", but he did make it very known that he was against the trip. I now realize that I underestimated his manipulative nature and overestimated my own awareness of such behavior.
I can't believe this. How I am feeling right now... I am so ANGRY.
Yes, the relationship is over. Yes, it's for the best. YES, I wouldn't change a thing. But right now I am ANGRY. For the first time.
I don't know if I am more angry at him or myself. That's a lie.
I'm angry at myself. That I let myself, for one second, HOPE he might call. That I, for one second, felt HURT that he didn't. That every time an email popped up or the phone rang or a text came in, that I didn't immediately feel some disappointment that it wasn't him... instead of being immediately happy that it was from a loving friend. This is absolutely insane. I am smarter than this. I deserve better than this. Have I lost my mind???
Why on earth is this still haunting me? Why can't I give up this dream? When will I stop automatically adding three hours to the time when I look at the clock and wonder what he's doing??? I am making myself nuts over this... this... relationship that NEVER WAS.
I just want to yell at him! I want to explain to him how devastating this is to me! I want to understand...
But I know this will never happen.
I just have to accept it for what it is.
A real break up for a pretend relationship.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I know how you feel, and I just want to say that you should welcome the anger, because it shows that you're progressing in the grief process.
Wish I had more, but it's been a long day and I have to get to bed! Keep coming here and posting and reading. It'll help tremendously!
Wish I had more, but it's been a long day and I have to get to bed! Keep coming here and posting and reading. It'll help tremendously!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I'm so sorry KLM. He's a complete jerk for not calling you on your 40th birthday, alcoholic or no. Happy birthday though. I hope when all of your rage subsides, and your mind clears, you're able to start planning for your trip to Africa, one that he won't be able to cancel.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
With me and my first hubby, the anger was still an emotion that somehow kept me tied to him, even after I had left the marriage. It wasnt until i woke up one morning, and had no emotions for him, that I truly felt free. Im not saying this to upset you, he was rude to not acknowledge your birthday. Happy Birthday 
7 Can you plan the Africa trip for another time. Let this be a learning lesson for you, not a self bashing moment. You ARE worth it, and Im sorry you feel so bad right now.
7 Can you plan the Africa trip for another time. Let this be a learning lesson for you, not a self bashing moment. You ARE worth it, and Im sorry you feel so bad right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
Funny thing is, he is the third alcoholic I've been involved with in the last 20 years.
There were three main ones, many other peripheral ones.
In my early 20's... The first was the sweetest man... until vodka. Then, he was abusive blackout man. I used to say that it took me a day to move in with him, and a year to move out.
In my late 20's... The second was a ten year sober alcoholic when I met him who, as I found out, hadn't changed all the old behaviors. After four years of marriage, I found out he had cheated.
In my late 30's... Now there's this one. He got sober two weeks after we started our relationship. I didn't know he was an alcoholic (for the last 20 years at least) until he confessed all sorts of things (we live on opposite coasts, so this was a long distance thing, too). We didn't make it 7 months, and to be honest, I'm not sure his sobriety did, either.
But this is not about him or them.
This is about me. This is about how I don't walk away when red flags come up. This is about how I am fly paper to addicts. This is about how I seem to find or attract the most complicated and damaged people and expect them to be anything else. This is about me living off the possibility of potential. This is about the constant set up for let down that I create in romantic relationships.
I don't know why I do these things. I don't know why I let people in that have no intention of letting me in.
There were three main ones, many other peripheral ones.
In my early 20's... The first was the sweetest man... until vodka. Then, he was abusive blackout man. I used to say that it took me a day to move in with him, and a year to move out.
In my late 20's... The second was a ten year sober alcoholic when I met him who, as I found out, hadn't changed all the old behaviors. After four years of marriage, I found out he had cheated.
In my late 30's... Now there's this one. He got sober two weeks after we started our relationship. I didn't know he was an alcoholic (for the last 20 years at least) until he confessed all sorts of things (we live on opposite coasts, so this was a long distance thing, too). We didn't make it 7 months, and to be honest, I'm not sure his sobriety did, either.
But this is not about him or them.
This is about me. This is about how I don't walk away when red flags come up. This is about how I am fly paper to addicts. This is about how I seem to find or attract the most complicated and damaged people and expect them to be anything else. This is about me living off the possibility of potential. This is about the constant set up for let down that I create in romantic relationships.
I don't know why I do these things. I don't know why I let people in that have no intention of letting me in.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Wow, klm, I'm new to this forum and I really needed to read your story today. It's the same place I'm coming from. I've spent the last week asking myself, "WHY am I continuing to tolerate this kind of behavior?" I've gotten really curious about my tolerance of it and find now that I don't have the emotional angst about it that I used to...it's really a sense of curiosity about it without beating myself up in frustration.
My first relationship was with someone raised by an ACOA, that lasted many years and was filled with passive-aggressiveness. My second relationship lasted a few years and was with someone who is ACOA--lots of secrets, both significant and miniscule. The relationship I'm in now has been stormy for the several months I've been in it, with an active drinker who says "it's a problem only when I drink alone." I see the changes in behavior/honesty/priorities when there has been "social drinking" going on, but of course that's made to be MY problem when the defensiveness and blame are running high. And now I'm really seeing this for what it is, dealing with my anger at myself for not asking for more, and so sad for that little "me" who grew up not asking for or expecting my emotional needs to be met. I'm learning to really trust myself and consider myself as getting better for having gone from many years, to a few years, to several months in this kind of relationship before I recognize there's a big problem!
I'm so grateful for this 3rd relationship since it made the alcohol/addiction issue really clear and brought me to Alanon to face my unbelievable pain. I was raised by an ACOA and never understood my thought process/reactions as being destructive.
I haven't gotten out of this relationship with a sense of finality because there are still those pesky strands of hope. We're seeing a counselor who helps me to see the "gray" instead of the "black and white" of my perfectionist's world. My next step, as far as I can tell, is to make the leap and love myself for having had the courage to do something different, no matter the imperfect outcome. And I SO want to be with someone who doesn't say, "I didn't remember, I told you from the beginning how my memory is"; "You're reading into this because you're not able to hear my perspective" and "You don't love me for who I am."
Wishing you peace and hope as you learn to live for yourself. Enjoy Africa, whenever you get there. Thanks for sharing your story.
My first relationship was with someone raised by an ACOA, that lasted many years and was filled with passive-aggressiveness. My second relationship lasted a few years and was with someone who is ACOA--lots of secrets, both significant and miniscule. The relationship I'm in now has been stormy for the several months I've been in it, with an active drinker who says "it's a problem only when I drink alone." I see the changes in behavior/honesty/priorities when there has been "social drinking" going on, but of course that's made to be MY problem when the defensiveness and blame are running high. And now I'm really seeing this for what it is, dealing with my anger at myself for not asking for more, and so sad for that little "me" who grew up not asking for or expecting my emotional needs to be met. I'm learning to really trust myself and consider myself as getting better for having gone from many years, to a few years, to several months in this kind of relationship before I recognize there's a big problem!
I'm so grateful for this 3rd relationship since it made the alcohol/addiction issue really clear and brought me to Alanon to face my unbelievable pain. I was raised by an ACOA and never understood my thought process/reactions as being destructive.
I haven't gotten out of this relationship with a sense of finality because there are still those pesky strands of hope. We're seeing a counselor who helps me to see the "gray" instead of the "black and white" of my perfectionist's world. My next step, as far as I can tell, is to make the leap and love myself for having had the courage to do something different, no matter the imperfect outcome. And I SO want to be with someone who doesn't say, "I didn't remember, I told you from the beginning how my memory is"; "You're reading into this because you're not able to hear my perspective" and "You don't love me for who I am."
Wishing you peace and hope as you learn to live for yourself. Enjoy Africa, whenever you get there. Thanks for sharing your story.
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