Better late than never... (new user intro)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 7
Better late than never... (new user intro)
Hello everyone. I am so glad that I finally took the step to getting some support. My boyfriend of 2.5 years is addicted to alcohol. It's been an upward battle but we've survived thus far. His was never an addiction that he hid openly, but he held it so closely to him like a security blanket.
His was a "Leave it to Beaver" household as he likes to call it. Dad worked 9-5, Mom was a stay at home gal and big brother was just this side of rebellion. Neither SO or his brother ever did anything that would cause his parents even the mildest heart palpitations, and growing up it was perfectly normal and accepted that 5 pm was cocktail hour. Unfortunately his idea of cocktail hour became cocktail evening. Over the past two years our friends as well as myself have pointed out that maybe it's time he ought to slow down or stop. No one ever decided it was time for an intervention. It was always just a gentle reminder that maybe he ought to have some water for now, and maybe have a drink in another hour or two.
I am not going to sit here and beat myself up, and say how stupid I was, or how dumb the idea that a glass of water is going to make things any better. I also don't want to sit here and feel like I am wallowing in self pity. I always figured, "Hey, I've been there. I've struggled with addiction. I can get him through this. We can do it together!"
(cue Laverne and Shirley's theme song - with rapid record scratch)
Yeah...
Things started to get more.. interesting around November.. no wait, let me be honest with all of you and most importantly myself. It got worse around September. SO was put on medication for his high blood pressure, and his bouts of pancreatitis were getting more frequent and more severe. I was at work (I do security in the summer's at a local renaissance faire) and he is a participant there as well. I was just about to take my break when he came into our area to hang out - my boss out there is his best friend. As I sat down to close my eyes for just a bit (my shift is the 13 hour overnight) the aforementioned best friend/my boss pops into our office and asks me where my tent is as SO is going to need to go to bed. After much crashing (literally - SO fell into a gate and the gate won) they managed to wrangle him into a coworkers truck and hauled him down to my tent for the night. Apparently in the process of getting him into said tent and onto the bed he face planted into the floor.
The next morning he was meek as a lamb, and very unsure as to what happened. When he was told the story he was embarrassed and apologized to all those involved. He was sweet and kind and loving for a while after that. He promised he would work on it. I trusted him, I believed it was a one shot deal. My SO isn't like that. You'd think being a child of an alcoholic, and having been an alcoholic I'd be smarter.
Fast forward to November. It's not getting any better, and if you ask me it's actually getting slightly worse. I told myself that it was just nerves. He had a new job, after having been laid off for 9 months. Things *would* get better. He was smarter than this. He could quit any day, just not today. We had a party with a number of friends over, at one point one of our friends wanted to know if we had a room she could sleep in as she was getting tired but the people she had come with were not ready to leave. When I approached SO I had no idea how drunk he was. The discussion quickly escalated to a shouting match, in our kitchen with about 20 onlookers. At one point a dear friend of ours attempted to calm things down and separate us. I asked SO if we could take our discussion outside, which with the party we were having didn't mean we would have complete privacy but it would drop our audience from 20 to about 5 at most. I was able to get him to speak with me in the breeze way at which point things got very heated.
((Now let me interject here by prefacing this next statement. Yes I consider myself a recovered alcoholic, however I do still at times (about once every 1-2 years drink more than a glass of wine when I go to a fancy restaurant) drink. By this I mean that I have admittedly drank enough to be drunk, or at least buzzed but I never drink when my emotions have the potential to be the cause or the effect of my drinking. If that does not make sense, or you wish to discuss further feel free to pm me.))
Now where was I? Oh yes. SO and I are in the breeze way, and he gets this insane look on his face, me in my infinite beer goggled wisdom tell me that if he feels like hitting me that he may as well do it, but to make sure it counts because if I get up he's a dead man. At which point I believe his words were "I just might!" At that point I made the very wise decision that things had gone way too far, and I walked away. He stalked after me and honestly screamed something unintelligible after which I told him that I was done with the conversation and that he needed to leave it alone. I went into an unoccupied bedroom of our house, and bawled my eyes out talked with a friend and successfully ignored him for the rest of the evening.
The next day he slept most of the time, when he woke up and the last of our guests had left I had said very little to him, and after roughly 3-4 hours of the childish silent treatment he asked me if he had done something the night before to cause my 'attitude'. In my infinitely graceless manner I lost it. I was a screaming, sobbing mess but it seemed to have finally caused SO to 'get it'. To be honest, he really was and has been doing a lot better. I am not going to say that it's been sunshine and daisies. One thing I despise his liars, so I am not about to become that which I dislike most.
The biggest reason I am here now is that Sunday evening he wasn't looking too well. I had known that his pancreatitis had flared up again, but he thought that he was doing a lot better. He had slept most of the day to which I assumed was because he had been up late on Saturday being a geek (a big reason why I love him so much), SO woke up around 5 pm looking like death had warmed over. He started trembling and stated that he felt sick and dizzy. He tried to stand up and fell back onto the couch. He was covered in sweat - seriously I had to wash my couch cushions - and was almost ice cold to the touch.
I told him that if he didn't start feeling better that I was bringing him into the hospital, at which SO stated that was probably not a bad idea. **DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER** Was this SO telling me that he needed to go to the hospital!? As I was grabbing the essentials that he would need (driver's license, medical id card, medications) he told me not to bother getting the car ready that he was pretty sure he was going to need an ambulance and he thought he might be having a heart attack. Our friend who was over called 911, while I tried not to run in circles or put my head between my legs and sob like an overwhelmed child.
The police, and ambulance got here, and got him loaded up and our friend and I followed in the car. He was admitted inpatient Sunday night, and will not be discharged until further notice. He's not in treatment or detox but is in for the worst pancreatitis the internal specialist has ever seen. He is as well apparently fighting some sort of viral infection in his lungs that had gone undetected due to the excruciating pain he was in from his enflamed pancreas. His doctors have told him that he needs to quit drinking or he will be dead in 10 years or less. His liver is close to shot, and his pancreas is as well. When I got to the hospital tonight after work he looked at me and started crying and said that he was sorry.
I just stood there, and didn't say a word at first. All of these angry thoughts came rushing to my mind that I just wanted to plaster the walls with. I told him that I was going to find a support group, and that I would stand behind him, and that I hoped he really would get help this time. I'm not going anywhere I know that already, and I always have. I just can't sit on the sidelines and watch him kill himself anymore. It's time that I took care of myself first, and made sure that I was getting the support I needed. I lost myself somewhere in the past year trying to help SO <s>find</s> fight himself.
If you stuck around through all of that thank you. I had to get it out if not to ask for help, but just to see it in my own words.
His was a "Leave it to Beaver" household as he likes to call it. Dad worked 9-5, Mom was a stay at home gal and big brother was just this side of rebellion. Neither SO or his brother ever did anything that would cause his parents even the mildest heart palpitations, and growing up it was perfectly normal and accepted that 5 pm was cocktail hour. Unfortunately his idea of cocktail hour became cocktail evening. Over the past two years our friends as well as myself have pointed out that maybe it's time he ought to slow down or stop. No one ever decided it was time for an intervention. It was always just a gentle reminder that maybe he ought to have some water for now, and maybe have a drink in another hour or two.
I am not going to sit here and beat myself up, and say how stupid I was, or how dumb the idea that a glass of water is going to make things any better. I also don't want to sit here and feel like I am wallowing in self pity. I always figured, "Hey, I've been there. I've struggled with addiction. I can get him through this. We can do it together!"
(cue Laverne and Shirley's theme song - with rapid record scratch)
Yeah...
Things started to get more.. interesting around November.. no wait, let me be honest with all of you and most importantly myself. It got worse around September. SO was put on medication for his high blood pressure, and his bouts of pancreatitis were getting more frequent and more severe. I was at work (I do security in the summer's at a local renaissance faire) and he is a participant there as well. I was just about to take my break when he came into our area to hang out - my boss out there is his best friend. As I sat down to close my eyes for just a bit (my shift is the 13 hour overnight) the aforementioned best friend/my boss pops into our office and asks me where my tent is as SO is going to need to go to bed. After much crashing (literally - SO fell into a gate and the gate won) they managed to wrangle him into a coworkers truck and hauled him down to my tent for the night. Apparently in the process of getting him into said tent and onto the bed he face planted into the floor.
The next morning he was meek as a lamb, and very unsure as to what happened. When he was told the story he was embarrassed and apologized to all those involved. He was sweet and kind and loving for a while after that. He promised he would work on it. I trusted him, I believed it was a one shot deal. My SO isn't like that. You'd think being a child of an alcoholic, and having been an alcoholic I'd be smarter.
Fast forward to November. It's not getting any better, and if you ask me it's actually getting slightly worse. I told myself that it was just nerves. He had a new job, after having been laid off for 9 months. Things *would* get better. He was smarter than this. He could quit any day, just not today. We had a party with a number of friends over, at one point one of our friends wanted to know if we had a room she could sleep in as she was getting tired but the people she had come with were not ready to leave. When I approached SO I had no idea how drunk he was. The discussion quickly escalated to a shouting match, in our kitchen with about 20 onlookers. At one point a dear friend of ours attempted to calm things down and separate us. I asked SO if we could take our discussion outside, which with the party we were having didn't mean we would have complete privacy but it would drop our audience from 20 to about 5 at most. I was able to get him to speak with me in the breeze way at which point things got very heated.
((Now let me interject here by prefacing this next statement. Yes I consider myself a recovered alcoholic, however I do still at times (about once every 1-2 years drink more than a glass of wine when I go to a fancy restaurant) drink. By this I mean that I have admittedly drank enough to be drunk, or at least buzzed but I never drink when my emotions have the potential to be the cause or the effect of my drinking. If that does not make sense, or you wish to discuss further feel free to pm me.))
Now where was I? Oh yes. SO and I are in the breeze way, and he gets this insane look on his face, me in my infinite beer goggled wisdom tell me that if he feels like hitting me that he may as well do it, but to make sure it counts because if I get up he's a dead man. At which point I believe his words were "I just might!" At that point I made the very wise decision that things had gone way too far, and I walked away. He stalked after me and honestly screamed something unintelligible after which I told him that I was done with the conversation and that he needed to leave it alone. I went into an unoccupied bedroom of our house, and bawled my eyes out talked with a friend and successfully ignored him for the rest of the evening.
The next day he slept most of the time, when he woke up and the last of our guests had left I had said very little to him, and after roughly 3-4 hours of the childish silent treatment he asked me if he had done something the night before to cause my 'attitude'. In my infinitely graceless manner I lost it. I was a screaming, sobbing mess but it seemed to have finally caused SO to 'get it'. To be honest, he really was and has been doing a lot better. I am not going to say that it's been sunshine and daisies. One thing I despise his liars, so I am not about to become that which I dislike most.
The biggest reason I am here now is that Sunday evening he wasn't looking too well. I had known that his pancreatitis had flared up again, but he thought that he was doing a lot better. He had slept most of the day to which I assumed was because he had been up late on Saturday being a geek (a big reason why I love him so much), SO woke up around 5 pm looking like death had warmed over. He started trembling and stated that he felt sick and dizzy. He tried to stand up and fell back onto the couch. He was covered in sweat - seriously I had to wash my couch cushions - and was almost ice cold to the touch.
I told him that if he didn't start feeling better that I was bringing him into the hospital, at which SO stated that was probably not a bad idea. **DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER** Was this SO telling me that he needed to go to the hospital!? As I was grabbing the essentials that he would need (driver's license, medical id card, medications) he told me not to bother getting the car ready that he was pretty sure he was going to need an ambulance and he thought he might be having a heart attack. Our friend who was over called 911, while I tried not to run in circles or put my head between my legs and sob like an overwhelmed child.
The police, and ambulance got here, and got him loaded up and our friend and I followed in the car. He was admitted inpatient Sunday night, and will not be discharged until further notice. He's not in treatment or detox but is in for the worst pancreatitis the internal specialist has ever seen. He is as well apparently fighting some sort of viral infection in his lungs that had gone undetected due to the excruciating pain he was in from his enflamed pancreas. His doctors have told him that he needs to quit drinking or he will be dead in 10 years or less. His liver is close to shot, and his pancreas is as well. When I got to the hospital tonight after work he looked at me and started crying and said that he was sorry.
I just stood there, and didn't say a word at first. All of these angry thoughts came rushing to my mind that I just wanted to plaster the walls with. I told him that I was going to find a support group, and that I would stand behind him, and that I hoped he really would get help this time. I'm not going anywhere I know that already, and I always have. I just can't sit on the sidelines and watch him kill himself anymore. It's time that I took care of myself first, and made sure that I was getting the support I needed. I lost myself somewhere in the past year trying to help SO <s>find</s> fight himself.
If you stuck around through all of that thank you. I had to get it out if not to ask for help, but just to see it in my own words.
Last edited by Hysteria; 02-22-2010 at 09:43 PM. Reason: codie error
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
Hi there... I don't know what else to say, except... I understand. I was exactly where you are 17 years ago. Please don't beat yourself up for what's happened in the past- things you said or didn't say, things you've done or didn't do. When you're in the moment, it's all you can do to get through it. Of course, looking back on it... you have a different perspective. But when you are in it, all you can do is survive sometimes.
Reading through your story really brought up a lot of old memories for me. While the details may be different, the story is the same. I look back on that time of my life and feel like I was herding cats all the time... surrounded by screaming insanity with someone I genuinely loved at the center.
I believe one of the most awful things a person can go through is watching someone they love self-destruct. It's rips one's soul apart. I am so glad that you are reaching for help... you are not as alone as you feel. If you've not gone to an Al Anon meeting, please go. You do not have to go through this alone.
It's time for you to remember yourself now. To take care of yourself.
I am so sorry you are in this moment, but never forget that now is not forever and this, too, shall pass.
Reading through your story really brought up a lot of old memories for me. While the details may be different, the story is the same. I look back on that time of my life and feel like I was herding cats all the time... surrounded by screaming insanity with someone I genuinely loved at the center.
I believe one of the most awful things a person can go through is watching someone they love self-destruct. It's rips one's soul apart. I am so glad that you are reaching for help... you are not as alone as you feel. If you've not gone to an Al Anon meeting, please go. You do not have to go through this alone.
It's time for you to remember yourself now. To take care of yourself.
I am so sorry you are in this moment, but never forget that now is not forever and this, too, shall pass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 7
*smiles softly* Thank you. Your last sentence is profound to me, in that it's my motto with life. Or at least I try to make it so. I am working toward finding an Al-Anon in my area (either home or work) that is going to work with my schedule. My first step was calling my old sponsor to get it off of my chest. She offered to help me find something, and is also reaching out to our old group to see if they know of anything as well.
I think the biggest part that makes me want to beat myself up is that I see what I am going through and realize/experience first hand what I put some people through 8-9 years ago and it makes me sick. Especially knowing that I was far worse (tempermentally - sp?) than SO is. As you've mentioned I can't keep living/dwelling in the past.
I think the biggest part that makes me want to beat myself up is that I see what I am going through and realize/experience first hand what I put some people through 8-9 years ago and it makes me sick. Especially knowing that I was far worse (tempermentally - sp?) than SO is. As you've mentioned I can't keep living/dwelling in the past.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
I feel for you - I do. I went through all of this and then some with my XABF. He was in and out of hospitals with bouts of pancreatitis. The last hospital stay the Dr. told him if he didn't stop drinking he'd be dead soon.
Well of course he never did and now is bedridden and has lost over 75 lbs with liver failure. He recently was shunted to relieve the fluid build up in his abdomen. (ascites) All at the young age of 38.
This man had a wonderful career, great family, so much potential - all lost due to alcoholism. He couldn't beat it. I stuck with him as long as I could.
Now I try and see him once a month when I can. It's the most depressing thing I've ever had to deal with in my life seeing this man who used to be a handsome strapping guy looking like a refuge and barely able to walk to the bathroom.
During all of this I never did go to Al Anon. But I did find a lot of support with friends and family. I read books recommended here and those helped a lot. I realized that all that I was doing was enabling him and making it easier for him to drink which he did. I just never thought it would come to this. He's so young!
Walking away from this man that I adored was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. Maybe if I'd done it earlier it would have saved him? Who knows.
I feel for you though and wish you strength. As progressive as this disease is it doesn't look good for him unless he completely stops drinking. My guy couldn't do that. He just couldn't do it and now he's dying, leaving behind a great family and two small boys.
Hugs to you...
Well of course he never did and now is bedridden and has lost over 75 lbs with liver failure. He recently was shunted to relieve the fluid build up in his abdomen. (ascites) All at the young age of 38.
This man had a wonderful career, great family, so much potential - all lost due to alcoholism. He couldn't beat it. I stuck with him as long as I could.
Now I try and see him once a month when I can. It's the most depressing thing I've ever had to deal with in my life seeing this man who used to be a handsome strapping guy looking like a refuge and barely able to walk to the bathroom.
During all of this I never did go to Al Anon. But I did find a lot of support with friends and family. I read books recommended here and those helped a lot. I realized that all that I was doing was enabling him and making it easier for him to drink which he did. I just never thought it would come to this. He's so young!
Walking away from this man that I adored was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. Maybe if I'd done it earlier it would have saved him? Who knows.
I feel for you though and wish you strength. As progressive as this disease is it doesn't look good for him unless he completely stops drinking. My guy couldn't do that. He just couldn't do it and now he's dying, leaving behind a great family and two small boys.
Hugs to you...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 7
Thanks BrandiSue. I was ignorant and didn't know what Pancreatitis was, and until today didn't even think to google it. He's had 5 doctors now tell him he needs to quit or he will die. He had one of them go into extreme detail what will happen if he continues to drink.
He broke down in tears telling me about his day. We made an agreement years ago (we've known each other for 11 years - dated 2.5 of them) to always be honest with each other even if it was brutal. So I told him that I would stand by him, but it was ultimately up to him to stop. I couldn't force him, and no one else was going to hold a gun to his head to make him do it either.
He'll be in the hospital until at least Thursday, but if his white blood cells do not drop back to normal/he's able to eat and drink orally again he stays until both are right. He was also diagnosed with Sarcoidosis which explains some other health issues that he was dealing with. Alone Sarcoidosis is harmless, but on top of Pancreatitis he could have killed himself had he not gotten to the hospital. As scary as it was I am so thankful that his body started showing signs of a heart attack and scared him enough to go in.
In regard to being young, SO is only 38 himself. He lost his father only 7 or 8 years ago to cancer, when the doctor's told him he would be dead in ten years he just starting sobbing. I would like to hope it scared him sober, but he and I both know it's going to be an uphill battle, and there are going to be days when he backslides.
I am glad I found this community, and am hoping to either find an Al-Anon group or at least keep the circle of friends and family around more often to support us through this. I never thought after having been a child of an alcoholic, and a recovered alcoholic myself that I would be having to support one that I planned to spend the rest of my life with. The past two days I have been ping ponging emotionally between anger at myself for letting myself get into the denial that it was this bad and false guilt that I 'let' it get this bad.
He broke down in tears telling me about his day. We made an agreement years ago (we've known each other for 11 years - dated 2.5 of them) to always be honest with each other even if it was brutal. So I told him that I would stand by him, but it was ultimately up to him to stop. I couldn't force him, and no one else was going to hold a gun to his head to make him do it either.
He'll be in the hospital until at least Thursday, but if his white blood cells do not drop back to normal/he's able to eat and drink orally again he stays until both are right. He was also diagnosed with Sarcoidosis which explains some other health issues that he was dealing with. Alone Sarcoidosis is harmless, but on top of Pancreatitis he could have killed himself had he not gotten to the hospital. As scary as it was I am so thankful that his body started showing signs of a heart attack and scared him enough to go in.
In regard to being young, SO is only 38 himself. He lost his father only 7 or 8 years ago to cancer, when the doctor's told him he would be dead in ten years he just starting sobbing. I would like to hope it scared him sober, but he and I both know it's going to be an uphill battle, and there are going to be days when he backslides.
I am glad I found this community, and am hoping to either find an Al-Anon group or at least keep the circle of friends and family around more often to support us through this. I never thought after having been a child of an alcoholic, and a recovered alcoholic myself that I would be having to support one that I planned to spend the rest of my life with. The past two days I have been ping ponging emotionally between anger at myself for letting myself get into the denial that it was this bad and false guilt that I 'let' it get this bad.
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