New and ready to give up
 

To make a long story short my father was an alcoholic and drug addict. My sister is also an alcoholic and drug addict. She fails to see it. She is in total denial about it all. She has 2 young kids and nothing is more important to her then her next drink or pill to pop. I have been trying to deal with it the best way I can. but enough is enough. I am worried about my niece and nephew and my sister. She truly belives that I don't care about her. and throws it in my face. I feel completly guilty for not standing and fighting constantly but I no longer have that energy to do it. I know she needs help and I know this is all behavior that wasn't her before she became an addict but I am at the end of the road and I no longer know what to do. I mostly just love her from a far. I stopped helping her with money and stuff like that. If she needs something I go buy that item myself. How do you get over the guilt? I can only love her from a far and I hate to think she feels abandoned by me but for my own sanity this is what i have to do.

Good for you for stepping back.
You can put in an anonymous report to child welfare, if you feel her kids are in danger.
With the guilt, consider reading the stickies at the top of the forum, reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and getting into some counseling for yourself.
One day at a time.
Slow down and breathe.
Remind yourself you are making choices that are in your best interest and you matter.

Hugs
w

Thanks it feels so nice to have people who listen and don't judge!

hi losingfaith...I don't know if this is your first post here on SR, but if it is...WELCOME! I'm very glad you found this place; the support you'll find here is awesome.

Sounds like you're already on the path of detachment. Have you considered joining Al-Anon to get the support you need?

Guilt is totally normal but please remember the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

So when your sister throws insults or blame your way, remember these. Her addiction is entirely her choice and no one else. You do not have the power to change her or help her, so it's best to step back and protect yourself. If and when she does find recovery, it'll be her own journey and not yours.

I agree with Wife about calling CPS anonymously.

keep posting!

We are in God's safe hands
 

Whenever we are struggling and we all do have struggles, read this to help reassure that YOU, ME, and ALL of Us are:
"IN SAFE HANDS
In the exquisite stillness of the deep night
When even the stars themselves have retired
To brighter pastures… and with them
Memories of another day gone by,
Here I lie in my thoughts and in
The returning consider all.
In my hall of memories
I shall give thanks…move on.
Meditate on my breathing
Out and in,
This is just my mortal skin
I will not stall,
My soul shall always live
Amongst the heavens, the stars.
I must not stall, tomorrow arrives
At my door unbidden, wrapped in velvet.
Sheathed in lace…or dirt
My inner thoughts…once hidden,
Are subject to the light once.
As I lay bereft in the dark
He knew the indecisions
The problems and the turmoil...
We had spoken earlier
When I had brought Him
Up to date with developments
So He whispered softly....
"My time is not YOUR time
And My ways..... not yours
As it is written, so it is"
For My Spirit never leaves you
NO, not in the coldest dawn
Not in your bleakest reckoning
For I know all
Even those secrets of your heart
The ones you dare not
Give voice to even Me.

And a peace invaded my spirit
As the realization dawned on me
I may often feel adrift, cast loose
On a tempest tossed sea
Where I cannot see the land
Sickness has betrayed my senses
And my compass is lost
So I cannot navigate the way home
But The Captain is in charge
and He steers a steady course
So I drift on into sleep
As the stars slowly merge into a new dawn
And the wind which whips the sails
Is no longer a threat,
More a saving...
For my long awaited horizon looms into being…
I am not lost, but found…I’m in God’s safe hands"

http://dchaneydivinelyinspired.com/GodsHands.jpg

Loving from afar
 

I asked myself this very same question today regarding my adult A/dhtr. The guilt, sadness, etc. etc. I am doing what you are doing detaching and trying to love in my heart from afar. Trying to keep myself sane.
I believe we are doing the right thing, we have no choice. There will still be those white-knuckling rough days, where struggles to balance detachment and indifference are sometimes gut wrenching. However, if we don't STOP the dance with the alcoholic, chances are they won't stop their dance either. We are co-dependent and they know how to 'work us".
Please read the above post about being in God's Hands.

I know I have to leave everything up to Him, in His time, His ways.
I alone, am helpless over the insanity, without my Higher Power to keep me and my loved ones in His safe Hands.
We need to choose NOT to be a victim. Allowing ourselves to be victims is a failure of our intelligence. We have to become responsible for our own lives, however difficult that life may be. ‘No matter what happens to you, no matter how depressing it gets, I firmly believe that until we finally make that decision to detach and understand 'why' we have to 'stop the insanity",...... then after a period of time.... it will become liberating.’

Warm hugs and God Bless you,
Anne

Just wanted to update you guys! It's been a tough 2 months dealing with her I hardly have time to think for myself after listening to my mom go on and on. but a week ago a line was crossed. My little niece is 3 yrs old and had an accident in her pants, so my sister took her to her boyfriend and let him spank her because they were so messed up and frustrated at the 3 yr old for the accident, not looking at the real problem. That man spanked her so hard it left bruises. I grew up with that kind of abuse and so did my sister. and to see a photo and know she allowed this set off some rage inside of me. so i immediately called the kids father, not knowing exactly what to do. and told him about what was going on. he went to the police department and filed a report. CPS was sent out to investigate. my sister called me that night so angry with me. i screamed at her and got out all she needed to know i felt. nothing was said that wasn't facts but it felt really good to say it to her. she still doesn't see that anything that happened was wrong on her part. CPS has put in a contract that she has to go to parenting classes and take drug tests. but it doesn't seem to hit home how serious this is. she was out the last couple of nights drinking and doing all kinds of bad drugs. we know there is a warrant for the boyfriend. and we are just patiently waiting to find out when they are going to pick him up and what happens next. I don't feel good about her getting in trouble and i hate that she is in pain BUT she caused this herself. my worry was those 2 kids and i cannot imagine how you could let something happen to them. after our argument and the nasty hurtful things she said I'm done with her till she gets help and can see the wrong in the situation. I know it was the right thing to do on the kids part but my heart aches for my sister to wake up.
And thank you to all the kind words and support. It truly helps the soul knowing someone knows what i'm going through and I'm not alone

Good job for trying to protect those kids.
If you know she is doing drugs, etc., why not call CPS and report that, too?

My mom and I both have spoke with the case worker since she came out and we both told her what my sister is doing. She told us she was coming back last Friday but that day came and went and they haven't been back. so I'm not sure what is going on. I know it can't all happen right now so I'm trying to be calm and patient. I know they gave her 7 days to take my niece to the doctor because she wasn't current on her shots. That 7th day is today so I am thinking they are going to be back out there tomorrow to confront her about it. Or at least that's what I am hoping and praying.

losingfaith
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

You did the right thing.

I called the cops on my A brother once when he took off in a car, drunk, after I begged him not to drive and tried to take his keys away. They didn't catch him, but I would do it again without hesitating. He's managed to get 2 DUI's all on his own now and has been making stop and start attempts at recovery this past year....

Things have to get pretty bad before THEY realize they need help. And then, they may realize they need help or need to change, but it may still take a LONG time for them to make a move in that direction. And then, even if they make a move in that direction, recovering from a decades long addiction takes a LONG time! *sigh*

AlAnon really helped me turn my head around in dealing w/ my A brothers (I have 3 :-(
Have you tried an AlAnon meeting?

I grew up w/ am alcoholic father too, and I wish there had been some sane person in my world to reassure me that there was nothing wrong with me, that my family was sick and that my father was an A and that's why things were always weird and tense and just plain wrong in my childhood!!! Maybe as those kids get older you can send them postcards or letters to encourage them in healthy life choices and in seeking and accepting help to understand and handle their situation.

Your sister is just doing what A's do. She rages at you and minimizes bad behavior because it allows her to keep practicing her addiction without having to face herself. A's blame their troubles on whatever is handy to blame that week, or that day, or that minute. That is standard operating procedure.

Once I let go completely of my brother's choices, and accepted them just the way they are things got much much better for me. AlAnon helped me learn how to do that.

peace-
b

well done, losing faith. these are hard choices to make but someone needs to protect those children. thank goodness that you are there for them. naive

I made the decision today to do another support group of some kind and I'm doing some research on Al Anon right now. hopefully they have one at a time i can go. Thanks for the support. sometimes I wish I could just kidnap those kids and not ever look back for their sake. But unfortunately that is illegal. :09:

I bet it was not easy to make that call yet you did. Good for you, I would have done the same thing.

Consequences are out of your control... that is where faith comes in....

Faith is an interesting topic to me. Having faith when everything's good is easy... having faith when going through difficut situations however is tough but ultimately is what brings me peace.

Hugs!! I am glad you found SR. We get how it feels to see the elephant in the room when everyone around ignores it,minimizes it and/or denies it. Elephant?? which pink elephant?? here?

Bless you for doing that hard, but so necessary act.

You say that your sister can't see anything wrong with her handing over the child to her bf, who really spanked her.

Ok, and if sis has an accident in her pants when she is off her head, is it ok to get some man to belt her on her bum?

To me sister sounds like a very irresponsible, brain addled woman, and not one who should be left in control of a barbie doll, let alone her small daughter.

You and your family are in my prayers.

God bless.