This is long, but I could really use some advice. Thx :)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 16
This is long, but I could really use some advice. Thx :)
I posted a few weeks ago regarding my situation and got some wonderful responses, which I have re-read many times. It is so good to know that I'm not the only one in this situation!!!
My husband is a binge drinker. I thought he would change (ha!) after we married and I was SO wrong...what was I thinking?? Anyway, three years later, we have a two-year-old boy. Every 3-4 months, my husband has too many shots on a night out and comes home blacked-out and abusive. He calls me horrible names, threatens to kill me, tells me how disgusting I am, and accuses me of all kinds of things. He's slapped and pushed me on a few occasions, and it got to the point where anytime he mentioned going out, I would end up a crying mess, and begging him not to go. He is basically a scary MONSTER when he drinks. If I'm gone when he comes home, I wake up to 20 voicemails of him just bashing me, calling me every name and threatening to come after me and take our son. He can go weeks, and sometimes months without alcohol, but when he overdoes it, it sometimes turns into a weekend-long drug/alcohol bender. I truly did not take the time I should have to get to know him before we got married. When you meet him, you would never in a million years suspect him. He's good-looking, has a charming British accent, is friendly and outgoing, very successful at work. Women who meet him have often said, "You're a lucky woman!" If they only knew how hateful and mean he can be when he drinks. He's always so sorry afterwards, and he always swears he'll never do it again.
In December after months of no episodes, he had another one. That was the last straw for me. I could no longer live with him. I took our little boy and came to live with my parents for awhile (they live 7 hours away). I know my husband has a good heart. I think he just has lots of deep-down issues which I have no idea about. He does love me, in the way he knows how. He can be a very sweet and loving person. He loves our son, and he's always been very loving and helpful with him. I see so much potential in him, and that's what makes this so hard. We've had some great times. When things are good, and it's the three of us, it can be wonderful. But his drunken episodes are always there, like a cloud over us. I can never forget the things he's said. I've stuck by him for 3 years, waiting for him to stop. He's been to a psychologist a few times, but he doesn't think that's what he needs. He thinks he's a "problem drinker" and that he can learn to control it. He has a lot of insecurities about me, thinks I've lied about my past, and that's why he gets so angry at me. It's all excuses. I've been living away from him for 2 months now. He hasn't drank in weeks, and he's just been focusing on work and working out. He seems to be doing better, but who knows when it will happen again? I told him I can't live with him again until he's straightened himself out. Besides the drinking, he is very hard on me and I feel like I can do nothing right in his eyes most of the time.
I'm working and thinking about getting a place here near my family. I can support myself and my son, I just need some time to get my head straight. I cut my hair, and I'm losing weight, and starting to feel good about myself again.
My mom and sister went to a wedding in our old hometown last weekend. My mom called me from the hotel and told me that my best friend confided to her that my ex told a mutual friend that he's always loved me and is always asking about me, and she just wanted me to know. This guy has always been very special to me. We were best friends for years and dated briefly, but it was the wrong time. Our friends all thought we'd end up together. I've always loved him. I had a dream about him the night before I got married (I should have seen it as a sign) and I've dreamt about him ever since. I can't really describe what he meant to me, and "soulmate" sounds really cheesy, but he just got me in a way no one ever has. I've never felt more at home then I did with him. I've always compared everyone to him. I know he's still single. I miss him, and I know in my heart I still have feelings for him. I wrote him a letter tonight, and I'm wondering if I should send it. In the letter, I basically just tell him that I'd really like to see or hear from him, and that I miss him.
I know I'm not in a position to start a new relationship. I need to focus on my son. But at the same time, I've been through absolute hell for the last few years (I know I brought it on myself) and I would LOVE to talk to my old friend, at least just to catch up and see how he's doing. I feel so out of touch with my old self, like I've just been sucked into this cycle of dysfunction, and my life has become all about how much my husband drinks. I respect the marriage vow, and if on some chance, we want to start something again, I will be up-front with my husband. I am just so confused right now. I think it might be good for me to talk to my ex. But at the same time, I feel really guilty to even be contacting him. After all my husband has done, I still feel loyalty to him, we are still married and he says he's trying. I've just lost so much respect for him, and I don't know if I will want to live with him again after this time apart. I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
Am I wrong to send this letter?
My husband is a binge drinker. I thought he would change (ha!) after we married and I was SO wrong...what was I thinking?? Anyway, three years later, we have a two-year-old boy. Every 3-4 months, my husband has too many shots on a night out and comes home blacked-out and abusive. He calls me horrible names, threatens to kill me, tells me how disgusting I am, and accuses me of all kinds of things. He's slapped and pushed me on a few occasions, and it got to the point where anytime he mentioned going out, I would end up a crying mess, and begging him not to go. He is basically a scary MONSTER when he drinks. If I'm gone when he comes home, I wake up to 20 voicemails of him just bashing me, calling me every name and threatening to come after me and take our son. He can go weeks, and sometimes months without alcohol, but when he overdoes it, it sometimes turns into a weekend-long drug/alcohol bender. I truly did not take the time I should have to get to know him before we got married. When you meet him, you would never in a million years suspect him. He's good-looking, has a charming British accent, is friendly and outgoing, very successful at work. Women who meet him have often said, "You're a lucky woman!" If they only knew how hateful and mean he can be when he drinks. He's always so sorry afterwards, and he always swears he'll never do it again.
In December after months of no episodes, he had another one. That was the last straw for me. I could no longer live with him. I took our little boy and came to live with my parents for awhile (they live 7 hours away). I know my husband has a good heart. I think he just has lots of deep-down issues which I have no idea about. He does love me, in the way he knows how. He can be a very sweet and loving person. He loves our son, and he's always been very loving and helpful with him. I see so much potential in him, and that's what makes this so hard. We've had some great times. When things are good, and it's the three of us, it can be wonderful. But his drunken episodes are always there, like a cloud over us. I can never forget the things he's said. I've stuck by him for 3 years, waiting for him to stop. He's been to a psychologist a few times, but he doesn't think that's what he needs. He thinks he's a "problem drinker" and that he can learn to control it. He has a lot of insecurities about me, thinks I've lied about my past, and that's why he gets so angry at me. It's all excuses. I've been living away from him for 2 months now. He hasn't drank in weeks, and he's just been focusing on work and working out. He seems to be doing better, but who knows when it will happen again? I told him I can't live with him again until he's straightened himself out. Besides the drinking, he is very hard on me and I feel like I can do nothing right in his eyes most of the time.
I'm working and thinking about getting a place here near my family. I can support myself and my son, I just need some time to get my head straight. I cut my hair, and I'm losing weight, and starting to feel good about myself again.
My mom and sister went to a wedding in our old hometown last weekend. My mom called me from the hotel and told me that my best friend confided to her that my ex told a mutual friend that he's always loved me and is always asking about me, and she just wanted me to know. This guy has always been very special to me. We were best friends for years and dated briefly, but it was the wrong time. Our friends all thought we'd end up together. I've always loved him. I had a dream about him the night before I got married (I should have seen it as a sign) and I've dreamt about him ever since. I can't really describe what he meant to me, and "soulmate" sounds really cheesy, but he just got me in a way no one ever has. I've never felt more at home then I did with him. I've always compared everyone to him. I know he's still single. I miss him, and I know in my heart I still have feelings for him. I wrote him a letter tonight, and I'm wondering if I should send it. In the letter, I basically just tell him that I'd really like to see or hear from him, and that I miss him.
I know I'm not in a position to start a new relationship. I need to focus on my son. But at the same time, I've been through absolute hell for the last few years (I know I brought it on myself) and I would LOVE to talk to my old friend, at least just to catch up and see how he's doing. I feel so out of touch with my old self, like I've just been sucked into this cycle of dysfunction, and my life has become all about how much my husband drinks. I respect the marriage vow, and if on some chance, we want to start something again, I will be up-front with my husband. I am just so confused right now. I think it might be good for me to talk to my ex. But at the same time, I feel really guilty to even be contacting him. After all my husband has done, I still feel loyalty to him, we are still married and he says he's trying. I've just lost so much respect for him, and I don't know if I will want to live with him again after this time apart. I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
Am I wrong to send this letter?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 25
Not to sound to harsh but it sounds like you're using your current issues to justify starting up with an old flame.
No matter how right it MIGHT be, it should wait until you're free and clear of your current situation. You need to spend some time on your own healing and dealing with it before moving on. Moving on too fast will just lead you into a bad relationship with a good person.
WAIT!
No matter how right it MIGHT be, it should wait until you're free and clear of your current situation. You need to spend some time on your own healing and dealing with it before moving on. Moving on too fast will just lead you into a bad relationship with a good person.
WAIT!
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
What are you going to tell the new guy from the old days? Oh by the way: My husband is an alcoholic, he abuses me and I left him for awhile to see how things work out? What is your son going to think when he sees mommy with another man or hears mommy laughing and talking on the phone with someone other than daddy? What's going to happen if your husband gets wind of you two meeting and chatting?
Just wanted to throw some scenario's out there for you to think about. Don't mean to sound harsh or brash.
Figure out what you want to do about your marriage, FIRST! Don't do something you'll regret later on. There is a little boy in the middle of all this. Just give yourself some time to heal w/o involving an old flame. You'll be grateful for this decision down the road. If your husband hadn't abused you or wasn't drinking, would you even be considering contacting the other guy? Probably not.
Just wanted to throw some scenario's out there for you to think about. Don't mean to sound harsh or brash.
Figure out what you want to do about your marriage, FIRST! Don't do something you'll regret later on. There is a little boy in the middle of all this. Just give yourself some time to heal w/o involving an old flame. You'll be grateful for this decision down the road. If your husband hadn't abused you or wasn't drinking, would you even be considering contacting the other guy? Probably not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
If your AH drinks and goes for you, accusing you of straying and abusing you when you are innocent, what on earth would he do if you actually had contact with an old BF?
Frankly I dare not imagine his reaction.
I think you need to sort out the problems in the relationship with your husband, and clear those decks, before you even consider looking at contact with anyone, old or new.
I see BIG trouble ahead for you, if you add another hassle into what is already a volatile and dangerous situation for you and your son.
Please reconsider it all.
God bless
Frankly I dare not imagine his reaction.
I think you need to sort out the problems in the relationship with your husband, and clear those decks, before you even consider looking at contact with anyone, old or new.
I see BIG trouble ahead for you, if you add another hassle into what is already a volatile and dangerous situation for you and your son.
Please reconsider it all.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
I've just lost so much respect for him
Why not keep it at that - rather than lose respect for yourself also?
I did what you're contemplating doing, & for me it was so very definitely the wrong thing. I later realized I had done exactly what my husband does - goes back to the same old same old to hide from my own issues.
If you are thinking about trying to reconcile with your husband eventually, dating an old flame will put an almost irreconcilable obstacle in the way. And if you don't reconcile with your husband, you'll have to live the rest of your life with the memory of violating your own values. And if this old flame did agree to date you, you'll have the very unsavory fact to face that he's a man who's prepared to date another man's wife.
This is an all round losing situation to me.
Focus on you & your son for now. If this guy is so special he'll be there down the track when you're whole & free.
Why not keep it at that - rather than lose respect for yourself also?
I did what you're contemplating doing, & for me it was so very definitely the wrong thing. I later realized I had done exactly what my husband does - goes back to the same old same old to hide from my own issues.
If you are thinking about trying to reconcile with your husband eventually, dating an old flame will put an almost irreconcilable obstacle in the way. And if you don't reconcile with your husband, you'll have to live the rest of your life with the memory of violating your own values. And if this old flame did agree to date you, you'll have the very unsavory fact to face that he's a man who's prepared to date another man's wife.
This is an all round losing situation to me.
Focus on you & your son for now. If this guy is so special he'll be there down the track when you're whole & free.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
He calls me horrible names, threatens to kill me, tells me how disgusting I am, and accuses me of all kinds of things. He's slapped and pushed me on a few occasions, and it got to the point where anytime he mentioned going out, I would end up a crying mess, and begging him not to go. He is basically a scary MONSTER when he drinks. If I'm gone when he comes home, I wake up to 20 voicemails of him just bashing me, calling me every name and threatening to come after me and take our son
It's the false identity he gets from controlling and overpowering you that he misses. Remind him how clear he's made it just how ___________ you are and you wouldn't dream of him spending another day with someone so unworthy.
It's the false identity he gets from controlling and overpowering you that he misses. Remind him how clear he's made it just how ___________ you are and you wouldn't dream of him spending another day with someone so unworthy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 16
Thanks...
I read the responses to my post from last night and you're all right...
It would be really selfish of me to send that letter. I didn't send it. It's not just about me anymore, it's about my son, too. I do love my husband, and I hope he changes. I'm not moving back in with him, or putting my son back in that situation, until I know we're not in danger. Does he love us enough to change? Only time will tell. But in the meantime, I need to spend more time working on myself. It would not be at ALL fair to my ex to emotionally involve him in this situation. I just feel really lonely right now, and I think I want the comfort of him. But it would not be fair to him, or my little boy, as much as I may want to run to him. I just need to see this marriage through, and see if it's salvageable, before I get involved with someone else, in any way.
The good thing is, I'm feeling stronger all the time. The time away from my husband has reminded me of what it's like not to live under 24/7 stress. I won't live with my parents forever. I have income coming in, and soon I'll decide what I want to do. In the meantime, I have the support of my family, and my little one is surrounded by love every day. Whether his daddy and I can make it work or not, I need to put him first! I made my decisions and now I have to live with them. I'm not 17, and I can't make decisions without considering the consequences.
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.
Thank you
It would be really selfish of me to send that letter. I didn't send it. It's not just about me anymore, it's about my son, too. I do love my husband, and I hope he changes. I'm not moving back in with him, or putting my son back in that situation, until I know we're not in danger. Does he love us enough to change? Only time will tell. But in the meantime, I need to spend more time working on myself. It would not be at ALL fair to my ex to emotionally involve him in this situation. I just feel really lonely right now, and I think I want the comfort of him. But it would not be fair to him, or my little boy, as much as I may want to run to him. I just need to see this marriage through, and see if it's salvageable, before I get involved with someone else, in any way.
The good thing is, I'm feeling stronger all the time. The time away from my husband has reminded me of what it's like not to live under 24/7 stress. I won't live with my parents forever. I have income coming in, and soon I'll decide what I want to do. In the meantime, I have the support of my family, and my little one is surrounded by love every day. Whether his daddy and I can make it work or not, I need to put him first! I made my decisions and now I have to live with them. I'm not 17, and I can't make decisions without considering the consequences.
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.
Thank you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
