I am so afraid of being wrong
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think what's messing with your head, is that you feel like maybe he is now becoming the man you wished and wished for, once upon a time. it feels bitter, like the cousin to a regret.
"one day at a time" can work for us, too. i'm working on my relationship in this way, and man it's tough. but you made a clean break! you said you're happy! you get to decide what kind of people to let into your life!
if you were to make a list of what you would look for in a mate, what would it look like? (remember, it's you list; you get to decide)
put those qualities down on paper, then check off how many he posseses. if he keeps bugging you, share the list with him if it would make you feel better, don't share if it would make you feel worse. remember, it's ok to say "i just don't know right now." and there's no statute of limitations on it.
"one day at a time" can work for us, too. i'm working on my relationship in this way, and man it's tough. but you made a clean break! you said you're happy! you get to decide what kind of people to let into your life!
if you were to make a list of what you would look for in a mate, what would it look like? (remember, it's you list; you get to decide)
put those qualities down on paper, then check off how many he posseses. if he keeps bugging you, share the list with him if it would make you feel better, don't share if it would make you feel worse. remember, it's ok to say "i just don't know right now." and there's no statute of limitations on it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
i think what's messing with your head, is that you feel like maybe he is now becoming the man you wished and wished for, once upon a time. it feels bitter, like the cousin to a regret.
It stung a little bit, because a lot of his change was with a new girlfriend, but that's life! As odd as it sounds, I always remember the wise words of Montel Williams (haha) when he said "An Ex is an Ex for a REASON!"
With my XABF, we were together 3 years. During those 3 years he broke up with me many times, I always went back, hoping for the best. Each and everytime it slowly got worse.
I learned my lesson.
The very fact that he's still seeing the woman that he had an affair with and is trying to get back with you sends up HUGE red flags!
I'm a stickler for honestly and fidelity.....he had an affair while he was with you (lies to you) and now while he's still seeing the other woman he's trying to get back with you! (lies to her)
Focus on you and your kids right now! It's hard, I know, I recently struggled with this myself, but you have to! If you're tempted to email him, go clean something. If you're tempted to text him, go play with the kids. If you want to call just to see how he is, go to the library.
If he was serious about wanting to be with you, in my opinion, the other woman wouldn't be in the picture.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
Not all dry drunks are insane. Some are in pain, just like some dry codies are.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
You felt happy again, you had won thru the c**p he had caused you and were healing and living quite well without him in the picture.
Then....he says he wants to be (who he has always had the chance to be), a good husband and father, and wants back in to your newly found happy life.
The 4 months he has, is a drop in the bucket of meaningful recovery and he has barely touched the edges in dealing with his addiction, let alone his cheating behavior.
He says he's fine now, has it all worked out, wants you back, but just hasn't got round to cleaning up his little bit of infidelity yet.......Quack Quack,
For me, there are so many red flags flying it looks like May Day in Moscow.
Maybe you could just look at his wanting to come back, if he had been in a real recovery program for a year, had said he still had a lot to learn and work on and had kept away from the OW...but he hasn't done any of this.
Keep up your recovery and do nothing that sends you backwards, if that means he can go jump...so be it.
He put himself first for a long time, (still is doing that) and you need to do that for you now.
God bless
Then....he says he wants to be (who he has always had the chance to be), a good husband and father, and wants back in to your newly found happy life.
The 4 months he has, is a drop in the bucket of meaningful recovery and he has barely touched the edges in dealing with his addiction, let alone his cheating behavior.
He says he's fine now, has it all worked out, wants you back, but just hasn't got round to cleaning up his little bit of infidelity yet.......Quack Quack,
For me, there are so many red flags flying it looks like May Day in Moscow.
Maybe you could just look at his wanting to come back, if he had been in a real recovery program for a year, had said he still had a lot to learn and work on and had kept away from the OW...but he hasn't done any of this.
Keep up your recovery and do nothing that sends you backwards, if that means he can go jump...so be it.
He put himself first for a long time, (still is doing that) and you need to do that for you now.
God bless
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. People who don't want to change, don't change. Are you actually going to sit around for possibly the rest of your life WAITING for this man to all of a sudden decide he wants to no longer have multiple partners, or all of a sudden decide to commit to you? That is like me waiting around the rest of MY life for my cigarettes to decide I'm not going to smoke them anymore; All because I'm afraid that one day cigarettes will not cause cancer anymore.
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