sosad09

I see so much strength in many of you, but I wonder how you knew. I see a very common thread here to is to say leave them ignore them...How did you know when it was right to give up?
There is a part of me that fears if I let go than when he gets well I wont have him or worse off when is it okay to stop hoping to stop believing in someone. How many people in recovery say that is was the faith of a loved one that kept them sane. we hear and see so many examples of the women not giving up and him getting well

Spiritual Seeker

" There is a part of me that fears if I let go than when he gets well I wont have him "

I can never live on " what ifs " because people are not who they use to be or what their potential is.
What I know is that I can stop hoping someone gets well and thinking that I have the power to keep the whole ship afloat. I learned to quit focusing on the sick part of someone else and started focusing on the sick part of myself.
Only then did I have the power to make changes to improve my life.
When we change sometimes we leave a space for others to want change
by attraction rather than dictation .
When we get out of the muck and start leading a more spiritual enlightened life...
we can
make our decisions about our loved ones from this vantage point.

tchappy

I think I realized it was time to give up when my health (panic attacks) started to be affected by another persons sickness. When I finally realized I was tired of walking around with a dark cloud over me.

I gave my exabf chance after chance. I finally realized I had hit my bottom when I looked in the mirror and did not recognize myself. I was consumed with his addiction and the when, how, if he would seek recovery of his addiction. I held out hope for a VERY long time and 1 day just woke up and realized I had no more hope or faith in the situation anymore and I was not capable of giving anymore. That is when I let go and took myself back and I am much happier now.

You will know when it is the right time to let go. My prayers are with you because it was the hardest choice I ever made in my life but it was the best choice for me.

suki44883

What good is holding on doing you? Are you willing to put your life on hold on the off chance that he will not only get better, but will stay better and will come back to you? That's a lot of "ifs." It's also a lot of wasted time. How long are you willing to do that? Five years? Ten years? How much life will you allow to pass you by while you sit and wait for someone who may or may not ever come back?

ItsmeAlice

I believed, and he insisted, that if I loved XABF enough he wouldn't need to binge drink. I loved him completely and he still drank.
He said that if he had a full time job, kept busy, and I took care of all the stressors (bills, pets, family obligations) that he wouldn't need to drink. I did all that and he still drank.
He said he drank because I had gained so much weight. I believed it. I lost the weight, he still drank.

The disease was most certainly progressive in him and near the end he just stopped all the excuses and said there was nothing he could do about it. He was just an alcoholic.

I had run out of excuses myself. I couldn't tolerate the abuse which was on the cusp of becoming physical along with verbal abuse. He could not separate the abuse from the alcohol. (I believe it may have been why he included pot use, to mellow out). I went in search of answers on how to further cope with him this way and I landed here.

I embraced recovery and accepted the three Cs (that I did not cause his alcoholism, I couldn't control it, and I can't cure it) I still questioned if, with detachment, I could stay with him. I had done all I could, though, to bail out the sinking boat we were in. I actually think my higher power made the decision for me and I did what I had to do. I put on my survival suit and saved myself.

Sometimes you don't know if staying or leaving is the right decision until you jump at it. I went on faith, and it was the right decision for me for sure!!

Best to you,

Alice

Impurrfect

The FIRST XABF? I was with him for more than 20 years. All that relationship did was turn me into a raging codie and I developed my own addiction when I realized there was no way to change him. The XABF #2 - he introduced me to my DOC (crack) and I left him for XABF #3.

Yeah, I was a sick puppy...totally wrapped up in addiction and codependency. HP got tired of waiting for me to "get it" and decided I needed a little intervention and I spent time in jail and my family kept their hands off this addict...for which I am grateful.

I walked away from XABF #3 because he wanted to keep using and I couldn't be around that, for one thing, but mostly because I no longer want to be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. I am 48 years old and have spent my entire adulthood with men who are addicted to alcohol or drugs, and I'm tired of being at the bottom of their priorities.

He begged, promised, etc. - all the things they do when their enabler is leaving...and then he went right back to using. He died in Dec., in a crack house. He never did "get it" and I miss him, but I know I couldn't have changed the outcome.

Sorry to be so long, but I truly hope you don't take as long as I did, to make a decision on whether to stick around or leave. Life's too short.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

barb dwyer

Its pretty much 'over' for me when the weapons come out.

( a un funny joke about a very real experience. Twice.)

Spiritual Seeker wrote:

I say *SNAP*

That is even MORE powerful than just ... up and leaving.
It takes more courage than running.
It takes more strength than standing up to a bully.

What is that Native Prayer...
"As I challenge the Greatest Enemy - Myself"

somethig like that.

I realize many of my posts DO encourage leaving.
I realize that.
But I believe in the biggest way
in wisdom following ... distance.

But I also learned the hard way -
that it's one thing to just up and leave
it's another thing altogether
to try to leave... and then find you are being prevented.
Even that you CAN be prevented.

Whether it's physically
or mentally
or financially
emotionally -
whatever -

that is NOT love in any way shape or form.

That is cruel.
It is abuse.
Period.

And I myself didn't realize that.

To live in misery
for fear that someone is going to become
a wonderous person if you leave

is nothing more than SELF abuse, hon.

Because you can take this to the bank.
Just listen to a stubborn old woman for a second.

If he's never BEEN a great person
or a WELL person
he's not going to BECOME a great person.
or a WELL person.
Because if he's never BEEN a great person
or a WELL person
it's because he CANNOT become a great person.

Sitting around
unhappy miserable unloved
waiting for a sick man to become a well man

is like planting a radish seed
and expecting a rose..

barb dwyer

OOOO! this just came to me -

You have to decide to love radishes
just as they are
in all their dirt
all their flavor
and their color

as radishes. pure and simple.

and never ever

expect a rose.

IamSaved

I hit bottom with my A when he jeopardized my job, and my livelihood with his bad behavior due to his drinking.

I gave my XAB every chance as well. I begged, pleaded, checked in, checked on and became CONSUMED by his addiction! I obsessed about his alcohol consumption. I wondered what mood he would be in when I got home, how many he'd had. If tonight he'd be sober, or drunk.

It's no way to live.

Leaving him was so hard. It still is, and I'm still processing it. I snooped in his email after I left, and realized HIS addiction is still consuming ME! No more. I have to work on myself, and my recovery. We don't realize how much their addictions affect our lives, until they are gone, and we are free from it.

Praying for you!
((HUGS))

sosad09

I guess what makes it so hard is that he never really leaves all the way and he leaves because I push him away when he messes up. He just called a few minutes ago and I ignored the call...I think he is ready to have another of his 3 month ( usually) bouts where he tries and than relapses. He is now living many states away. Says he is going to meetings and has a sponsor.
I guess what makes it hard is that I think I would wait a lifetime because I still feel against my WANT that he is the ONE. I feel that he is my soul mate and if he would get well than we could be together. I just don't know how much longer I can go without be broken as a person. I would never want to settle for anyone and always wish for him
I have never been one to hate life, but lately I have been finding myself wishing for a calm peaceful sleep to come and rescue me from my pain. Don't worry I would never take my life. I know there has to be more from all of this. I believe in God and know there is a purpose I am just weary.
He is alive how am I supposed to pretend he is dead?

KeepPedaling

I spent about 8 months with mine. I knew I'd given him enough chances, and he'd broken enough promised, when I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning anymore. That's how I knew. I wasn't happy anymore. I couldn't be happy enough for both of us anymore. You'll know when you know I guess. Just be careful in the meantime.

KeepPedaling

Oh, I just read your post right above mine. It sounds to me like you already know it's time to go.

Go find happy! That's what I'm working on. I blocked the calls. I would recommend you do the same.

sosad09

I guess what makes it so hard is that he never really leaves all the way and he leaves because I push him away when he messes up. He just called a few minutes ago and I ignored the call...I think he is ready to have another of his 3 month ( usually) bouts where he tries and than relapses. He is now living many states away. Says he is going to meetings and has a sponsor.
I guess what makes it hard is that I think I would wait a lifetime because I still feel against my WANT that he is the ONE. I feel that he is my soul mate and if he would get well than we could be together. I just don't know how much longer I can go without be broken as a person. I would never want to settle for anyone and always wish for him
I have never been one to hate life, but lately I have been finding myself wishing for a calm peaceful sleep to come and rescue me from my pain. Don't worry I would never take my life. I know there has to be more from all of this. I believe in God and know there is a purpose I am just weary.
He is alive how am I supposed to pretend he is dead?

IamSaved

Oh honey....

The key word in your statement above is ..IF

IF he gets well
IF I wait, will he be the one
IF I leave him, will I lose my soulmate?

IF IF IF

Please, do not do anything rash. I know you are hurting. I could have written that sentence you wrote! But, you must know that you cannot control HIS addiction. Wishing him well will never MAKE him well. HE must want to do this for himself. HE must come to terms with HIS addictions. You cannot control him, you cannot make him get well. All the wishing in the universe will not make that so. I wish it did, but it doesn't. They are still sick, and we are still enabling them, and making ourselves sick in the interim.

You must start concentrating on you, your recovery and your safety and well being.

If he is 'THE ONE', why isn't he in recovery? Why isn't he doing everything he can to show you he wants to get well and build a life with you?

Because, he chooses to remain an active addict. And no wishing in the world will make that go away.

They are so selfish, and do not realize the pain they put us through. But, in order to get well, you must take care of you. And if its meant to be, it will be. So, take a deep breath, step back, and do something for you.

Praying for you... ((HUGS))

coffeedrinker

i do understand what you're saying about believing in the soul mate theory, and about the "what if's" and also about the pain. it is just constant, you feel it in your gut every minute, nothing you do makes it go away. the thing is, i believe the only way to make it go away is to go through that break-up thing, get through it and then you start to heal.

i do want to point something out:
you said you would NEVER want to settle for anyone else and you would ALWAYS wish for him. never and always are pretty absolute statements. i think we tend to get dramatic like this when we are trying to convince ourselves to stick it out, and wait through the awful storm for the rainbow. if only we just knew whether or not that rainbow was gonna come.

coffeedrinker

oh, i forgot to answer the question.

this is how i knew:

my husband had become a roommate. we hardly communicated, but because i didn't want to break up my family, we stayed together and were civil. i had been trying to figure this thing out and it took about two years, before i really knew i wanted a divorce. i was attending a 4th step seminar and one of the excercises was to set a goal that week. i heard myself tell my workshop partner that i was going to tell him that. first time i actually articulated it.
i did tell him later that day. surprised me again.
so, i did not have one certain moment, or sink so low that one day i knew. it was really very gradual for me, tiny baby steps toward it for years. and it really sucks being in that place for so long

sosad09

I guess what makes it so hard is that he never really leaves all the way and he leaves because I push him away when he messes up. He just called a few minutes ago and I ignored the call...I think he is ready to have another of his 3 month ( usually) bouts where he tries and than relapses. He is now living many states away. Says he is going to meetings and has a sponsor.
I guess what makes it hard is that I think I would wait a lifetime because I still feel against my WANT that he is the ONE. I feel that he is my soul mate and if he would get well than we could be together. I just don't know how much longer I can go without be broken as a person. I would never want to settle for anyone and always wish for him
I have never been one to hate life, but lately I have been finding myself wishing for a calm peaceful sleep to come and rescue me from my pain. Don't worry I would never take my life. I know there has to be more from all of this. I believe in God and know there is a purpose I am just weary.
He is alive how am I supposed to pretend he is dead?

wicked

well, keepedaling this is going in my book.
yep, couldnt do it for both of us anymore.
oh yeah.
beth

Impurrfect

I could have written your last post, when I was with the first XABF...word for word. I didn't want to live without him. I DID almost end it, and not just once, because I couldn't imagine life without him. He was my "soul mate".

It wasn't until after I got away from him (and the other ex's), went through the grief, etc. that I can now say that though I don't regret the relationship (because it taught me what I DON'T want) I honestly can't believe I was so wrapped up in him. I literally almost died because of him...now, years later I can't really recall those "soul mate" feelings.

I had to get away...I didn't know about "no contact" back then, but we actually mutually agreed on it anyway.


Hugs and prayers!

Amy

barb dwyer

OMG I LOVE THAT !!!

KeepPedaling wrote:

but just for the record -

I am not strong AT ALL.
truly.
I am not confident AT ALL.
no lie.

but I DO know what I AM.

I am a survivor.

Living through something
freaks me out worse
than dying of anything
ever has or will.

survivor.