BeautifulG

I knew it when I realized that we were doing a dance. He was having an affair. I'd get mad and tell him to leave. Then he'd swear he'd never do it. Over and Over. The reason I kept on playing my role in the dance is a whole different post. I finally left and found out what peace was. One of the things that I had to mourn and accept is that someday he probably would get sober. I knew how hard it would be to watch someone else get to enjoy the man I know he can be sober.

He's sober now and begging for another chance. You know what? He was so horribly cruel and hurtful when he was drinking that I'm not sure I can ever take him back. I'm still sorting through that.

The real kicker is that I know that I'm a major enabler, excuse and trigger for his drinking. I'm not sure that I am or could be a healthy part of his recovery. I can really see us falling into old patterns that wouldn't be good for either of us.

IamSaved

A strong woman made this comment. And wow, powerful. Thanks for sharing!

Jadmack25

For me the time to get out was:

When I woke up and dreaded what s**t the day would throw my way.
When I dreaded the night, expecting difficulty sleeping, a racing brain and nightmares.
When, hearing his slurred voice, or I saw him, my heart would pound...not from feelings of love or romance, but from misery at his condition and fear at what could happen.

When even breathing was an effort, and I had no real interest in anything else but what he had done, was doing, or could do.
When the thought of him actually sobering up, only brought me dread at going thru another bout of supporting him thru withdrawal.

All these things hit me one day, I had 4 angina attacks and hoped one would finally finish me off. That was my bottom, and the only way from there was up or dead.

Then I knew it was either him or me, and if I didn't take some evasive action immediately, it would be me for sure.

Thank God I chose to quit the madness.

God bless

Gold

This was literal for me.
Like all good codies. I gave so much and focussed externally so much that I got sick. really sick. I gave myself pnemonia and he was too drunk to drive me to the hospital.
there had been lots and lots of warning signs. hmm i didn't want to have sex with him, he was drunk every night, my daughter would never want to be in the same room as him, he was spending the family rent on grog, on and on but until I needed help and support and didn't get it from him the lightbulb of realisation didnt' go off for me.

LaTeeDa

I would go so far as to say that holding on is never healthy, and letting go is always healthy. This is based on what I perceive as the meaning of letting go and holding on. I held on to my AH for many years. By that, I mean controlling, wishing, thinking I somehow had a say in how it would turn out. When I let go, I did not cease to love him, to have compassion for him in my heart, but I let go of the idea that his life was tied to mine. I let him be a separate individual with his own life path. Oh yeah, he was my "soulmate" too, but that was something I conjured up in my mind. My fantasies brought to life.

I am with someone else now, and I don't "hold on" to him either. He is a separate human being who happens to share some space with me right now. Our paths have come together. But, I realize that it may not always be that way. Our paths could diverge at some point. I'm okay with that because the "what if" doesn't matter to me anymore. The "what is" happens to be good. If that changes, I will adapt. My journey is my own. I can share it briefly, or for an extended period with someone else, but it remains mine.

L