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so now he decided to leave....

Old 02-20-2010, 03:12 PM
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so now he decided to leave....

well, i was all about giving this marriage one last shot...if he could live with the boundaries which i had set which was basically that i could not live with him if he was going to drink, and i could not put up with being verbally abused. we were seperated for 3 months - which i must admit were quite and serene. last week i was in the hospital with preterm labor for 4 days, so he stayed with the kids, and we just kind of left it that way when i got home, because i thought i would need help with everythings being on semi-bedrest. well, i came home from the hospital on saturday of last week. this week his help has consisted of picking up kids at wherever - not dinner, not cleaning, not really anything.......which i did not get upset with or say anything because he hadn't really done it before....i was just hoping. anyway, that really isn't the problem. it has been touch and go. his moods are up and down, and horrible. wedensday was the first day he really lost it with me yelling at me because i am "shallow" for taking away from character and talking to others about our relationship and drinking, that I am a b**** and everyone knows it....he was yelling at me telling me how awful i am. well, anyway, that came and went, i cried and i got over it like always. so the next few days went by without incident. then today, 1 week later, he did not come home last night after djing at the bar-which i knew he wasn't going to. i didn't buy his excuses, and am pretty sure he was drinking...but i never asked and didn't check - but i'm pretty sure that is why he didn't come home. we planned to meet this morning at his parents because he was working with a friend, which we did. his mom and i went to lunch and shopping....and there she starting saying stuff like, 'a man is only as good as the woman behind him.' and some other stuff like well if i was treating him good he would treat me good etc. then she laid on the kicker about maybe he feel unwelcomed, or not a part of my family - my family is very close. by the time we got back to his parents i was angry. my parents have invited his parents out many times, my dad has worked on their house's electrical for free, my mom called my ah at xmas when we weere seperarated and told him to get over there....because no one should spend it alone etc. my parents have always openned their door to everyone - even if they didn't like them - like my brother in law lol. anyway, so this is the farthest thing from the truth. i was so hurt by what she was saying - like she was blaming me for his behavior - even though he has treated her the same way as me, he drank and went to rehab before he met me, he has been angry forever - but somehow now it is my fault??? she was an alcoholic in her marriage many years ago and has been sober for years....shouldn't she understand. she kept saying well it takes 2. i never said i was perfect, and will admit i do have a lot of growing to do. my reactions to his drinking in the beginning were not the correct way to react, he and i are very different in our parenting and our views on responsiblity. he is very laid back and has vitually no real responsibility at his job - and i am always busy with kids, and take my job very seriously. Wow looking at this, no wonder we are where we are. anyway, so when we left i kind of told him what had happened......and he let me have it, explaining that his dad is dying and his mom is taking care of him and that i should for one second look at someone else other than myself.....ok well, his dad has been sick, not dying, and his mom was very degrading, even my son who is 14 was in the car when she was saying this and when i told ah what she said he piped up and said yah i was offended too. ah was so angry....and i don't really understand why...i wasn't angry with him, just venting because i was hurt! SO fastforward the ride home which after this conversation and him telling me to pull over becausee he would walk or get a cab....it was quiet. he got home and climbed in bed w/ the lights off and tv on. he hadn't said goodbye when he left not one word, so when i came in i thought i'd just leave him alone-and i did knowing if not it would just be an argument. so i was doing my own thing...he grabs his computer and walks out the door saying nothing. this made me upset - and though i shouldn't have i texted him and said basically if i left without a word, or didn't come homee one night he would be ticked off. he showed back up and told me to quit playing games. then i was playing wiith my daughter - still not engaging in his horrible mood and he walked in and said this isn't working i'm leaving. i said fine if you walk out then you own it...you chose it. he said fine. then walking out of the room said leet me know when you want a marriage....DID I MISS SOMETHING? my guess is that he was looking for an argument and i would not give him one, i wouldn't confront him.....and he needed that for whatevere reason. this behavior was so bizarre. i believe that he liked living with his friend because he had no responsibility and after a week with us was ready to go back to that.....which is fine. i have to be honest while surprised by his actions....i don't even know if i care. the last week has been so tense!!! and well, he never was working any program if he had quit drinking, just stopped at least in front of me - though i never really believed he wasn't drinking. his behavior is so strange to me......i right now am quite certain that it is over....and i am going to focus on taking care of myself and the kids. i know that i can give them a happy life....and he can fit where he wants with them, but that i can't do this moody/horrible anger evereyday in our lives and i know that children can adjust to whatever and so can i. so from this day forward i am going to focus on what is best for myself and my children.....and working for their happiness, and my own.
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Old 02-20-2010, 06:44 PM
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(((mentallyexh)))

I am so sorry things have gone this way. Please know that it is not anyone's wish here that a marriage end because of the disease of alcoholim. No one is going to be doing a dance over what has happened believe me. It is the goal of recovery in my opinion to open a friend or family member of an addicted loved one to their own possibilities and their own life and to separate them from the hold that addiction has on everyone around it. Sometimes, that separation is fatal for a relationship. Sometimes it can promote a healthy change for the relationship and it can be saved.

You are seeing the hold that addiction has on your AH. You are seeing the dance it is doing inside him. He may very well want in his heart to stay married, but he has accepted that he cannot have both. His addicted version of marriage will eat you alive. You are choosing to live for yourself and your children and letting the dream of your version of marriage go. That's all it was, a dream. It cannot exist with addiction. It just can't.

Again, I am so sorry this has happened. Maybe you can find comfort in the fact that this was his choice. You did all that you could to give it a chance. He just couldn't reciprocate. You can move forward from this. Set a plan for yourself and your children and try to take things one step at a time.

We are here for you as always. Keep posting!!

Alice.
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Old 02-20-2010, 07:06 PM
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He'll be back, I guarantee it. In the meantime, try to make up your mind whether or not you want to get back on his rollercoaster. You could make a List of all the reasons why you do not want to get back on the rollercoaster, or all the reasons why you are unhappy. You also could make a Pros & Cons of the marriage list. Also, you could list what you want for your one precious life. The trick is to bring YOUR wants, dreams and desires FORWARD in your DAILY consciousness, to refer to for making the daily decisions you are faced with. Whatever you do, strengthen your resolve during the time that he is "gone" so that you are emotionally and intellectually prepared for his shenanigans when he returns.
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Old 02-20-2010, 07:37 PM
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This is so flaring my own Codie Heroine -
I'm so sad for you that you can't just ENJOY this little LIFE starting ....

sorry to go all cosmic, but -

I am starting to think you've got some kind of little AVATAR in there....

because this unborn baby
(or the angel guarding it)
is saying that they don't want
this baby to have anything to do with a drunk.

Am I the only one noticing this?

Oh well.

I so wish you could just decoraqte the nursery,
listen to soothing music,
read the 'new guy' little books
with the other kids....

instead -
you've got a 200 pound INFANT
pitching a tantrum.

I'm happy for you to be seeing what is ACTUALLY going on, though.

*prayers of peace and comforting thoughts flying your way*
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Old 02-20-2010, 07:53 PM
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Call me crazy but I believe that the attitude and actions of the mother when pregnant and when the child is born are reflected in the personality of the child as he or she grows. I've several examples I could tell but I'll tell my own: I was the only baby of many that my mother STOOD UP against my alcoholic father and REFUSED to allow him the right to name me after one more relative of his and therefore am the ONLY child of her own my mother named. Strangely, I have ALWAYS stood up STRONGLY for those who are unable to stand up for themselves.

Just thought I'd share this in agreement with what BarbDwyer posted.
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:20 PM
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well what do you know....i stopped at the bar to "talk' to my ah becausee i felt like i needed to....drinking or not it is where he hangs out. and what do you know he was drinking.....though he swears he hasn't drank since new years - just so happens this the first time i have stopped at the bar in months - and he is have his 'first' drink - right! why do i find that so hart to believe??
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:27 PM
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Yep, their behavior is pretty predictable.
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:28 PM
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so from this day forward i am going to focus on what is best for myself and my children.....and working for their happiness, and my own
mentallyexh, you wrote the above at 512 pm today.

just a few hours later, you felt the need to go to the bar, to "talk" to him?
did you take the children with you? could they have used your time and energy (which is fragile if i understand you correctly) right now.
please help me understand.
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:35 PM
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I was the only baby of many that my mother STOOD UP against my alcoholic father and REFUSED to allow him the right to name me after one more relative of his and therefore am the ONLY child of her own my mother named.
loogout then.
You're about to have yourself.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:26 PM
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wicked-i didn't post in the middle, but long story short he left me and came back 3 hours later which made me angry becausee i told him if he was going to leave me, he had to "own it" and live with it. so he was telling me that i kicked him out etc...which isn't true. i have issues letting go- i know - and i probably shoudn't have tried to him, but we have absolutely no communication, and i really needed to get something off my chest...so i tried....it was unsuccessful and ending the same as it always does - my bad...i should have known, but it also gave me some info i needed about his drinking.
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Old 02-21-2010, 03:30 AM
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Honey, reading your past posts and I have a question.

Has he ever owned or taken complete responsibility for anything he has done or that has happened between you?
From what I have read, he turns it all round on to you or some other person or bad luck or whatever, but it is never him, his behavior, his drinking etc.

Now mum sticks her bib in, and it is you who she blames for her son's drinking and behavior, even when it is clear he has had problems since long before you were on the scene. No wonder he won't accept his part in anything, as I guess mum has played this "it aint your fault" recording in his ears for a long time.

You know what is real, and now you see that he is not the "non drinker" he said he was, so where do you go from here?
How many times will you put up with his in and out actions?
It must be like living with a revolving door for you.

Put yourself first now, and your kids have next priority. As for him, well if he walks out again, let him know he can walk to China if he wants, because you have better things to do than waste time on him anymore.

As for dear old mum, well just feel sorry for her and ignore her because you are in the real world and God knows what fairytale she is living in.

God bless
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Old 02-21-2010, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
wicked-i didn't post in the middle, but long story short he left me and came back 3 hours later which made me angry becausee i told him if he was going to leave me, he had to "own it" and live with it. so he was telling me that i kicked him out etc...which isn't true. i have issues letting go- i know - and i probably shoudn't have tried to him, but we have absolutely no communication, and i really needed to get something off my chest...so i tried....it was unsuccessful and ending the same as it always does - my bad...i should have known, but it also gave me some info i needed about his drinking.
Oh no, mentallyexh,
it was completely my bad, some bad came up from my past, and i was actually trying to relive history and change it.
good god, sometimes i wonder if it ever stops?
i know how it is to get some info about his using, especially when they use the jedi mind tricks.
i am sorry.
please take care of yourself.
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Old 02-21-2010, 06:53 AM
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I'm sorry but I'm feeling a bit outraged on your behalf that your partner is behaving in this manner while you are pregnant. It just friggin astounds me how some people can completely ignore how emotional/vulnerable one can feel while pregnant and so close to term.

Ok, moving right along here.

Your partner's mother is obviously living in her own little Codie/Enabler world, so you can probably just ignore her. What she said was totally hurtful and misguided but oh well, you can't change her.

I see your process mentally, and I applaud you for coming here to work it out for yourself. I wish you a restful week and hope that you are able to stick to you guns no matter what your partner does or doesn't do.

I too struggle with wanting to get stuff of my chest, from years of anger and resentment I feel towards my XAH, but I'm slowly learning that I may never have a voice where he is concerned. He will never hear me or validate me so I might as well stop trying and trust in what I know in my heart.
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Old 02-21-2010, 06:55 AM
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I read your posts and notice that you are seeing the patterns here with your AH and marriage relationship. The point of noticing the pattern is that you can then use that info to make changes/set boundaries/reset the direction you want things to go.

People say a lot of things that reflect their own viewpoint of the world. Listen to your AH, if it doesn't match up to reality then let it go - let him find that out for himself.

And I say all this with heartfelt understanding and concern for your health and the baby and your children. This is a hard time for you when it could have been a happier one - focus on the things that will prepare you for it in a positive way. Since you have family, maybe they can help you to do some things in that direction.
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Old 02-21-2010, 09:16 AM
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barbdwyer too funny! THANK YOU!
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Old 02-21-2010, 09:18 AM
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The mother - in - law: I would be angry too. Nothing wrong with anger. She is blaming you! All about bullpoop. Please!!!!!!!! It seems to me the problem with MIL is she is in denial that her son, not acting as a grown man and husband, has the destroying problem even though he has a good woman behind him!!!
and there she starting saying stuff like, 'a man is only as good as the woman behind him.' and some other stuff like well if i was treating him good he would treat me good etc. then she laid on the kicker about maybe he feel unwelcomed, or not a part of my family
Notice, her statements are all about how he would be better if everyone else was better to him. All bullpoop! Soooo.... after being angry I wouldn't bother much again as someone that thinks like this isn't balanced, there view wouldn't have much impact to **** me off again.

Especially being his mother, even if she is an RA, it is the normal reaction of many, " It takes 2." Mentallyexh, its bullpoop that 2 destroy when in a marriage with an abuser! Many people don't get this who have not walked in our shoes.No, it doesn't take 2 to ruin a marriage that has an abusive alcoholic in it.
It takes 1, the kind to tell a story to his mom about all your imperfections ( as he sees them-some real and most his issues) so she can give you 'how to be a wife advice' and BLAME you as much ( it appears more by her statements) as her son. This is Bullpoop!!! Hence, his leaving comment: "Let me know when you want a marriage." Sweetheart, this is the blame game. He wants to blame you. Listen ..... ( I understand).... you are not going to have responded perfect to the situation of living with a drunk. THIS DOES NOT MEAN IT TAKES 2!!!!! Being under abuse,even if it is only the abuse of his drinking, does not make you an 'abuser' for not treating the poor baby well when he is being a drunk a$$hole of a husband. ** I am taking the time to say what you already know because of the way you wrote your post. Sometimes it is nice to be supported by someone who understands that perfection is not possible or expected when married to an alcoholic. Being pissed off sometimes is expected and needed. It is what brings us to a place to want to move on to not living such a way.)


So I believe ( could be wrong of course :-) the " let me know when you want a marriage " comment is also not about just blaming you but leaving the door open for you to go get him. When I went through my stage of " I won't divorce you and I will live in separation limbo trying EVERYTHING I CAN" I told my husband," You have to leave the house and when you are ready to be a husband in a marriage you can come back home." He told me he wasn't leaving. Sooo... I told him I would leave with the boys and i already had somewhere i could rent. i let him know this wasn't right as he should be the one who has to leave our home but that i would do this. He told me," I am not going to play this game and we can't afford this, just divorce me then cuz i ain't leaving." i responded by letting him know this was of course no game and he couldn't afford not to do this. He accused me and asked me about throwing away 21 years of marriage at this point. i called his bluff and told him, " I have now without question done EVERYThing I could do. Then I will divorce you."

Here is to letting men leave and stay left who have not changed to be a good husband in a marriage.

This bible comes to mind when i think of what your MIL is struggling to understand: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

She misses her contradictions, as many do and puts the weight of 'fixing' on the abused instead of the abuser. Using MIL's picture : Her son who is "ahead" of the wife "behind", is not leading with love. And his wife as to respect: telling him the truth about what a wife will except and can't except from a husband as she didn't cause it, she can't control it and she can't cure it.

Mentallyexh, you deserve respect and love as GOd purposed. Even from a MIL.
Sorry you had to go through that but i hope the hurt ends up strengthening you and that the support here has helped with some heart healing. She meant it for better I am sure, for her son that is. BUt we mean it better for you here.:-) I hope you have a nice day today................ and tomorrow.

love from the understanding,
tammy
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Old 02-21-2010, 09:18 AM
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long story short he left me and came back 3 hours later which made me angry becausee i told him if he was going to leave me, he had to "own it" and live with it. so he was telling me that i kicked him out etc...which isn't true.
Blame-shifting. BOTH of you.

i have issues letting go- i know - and i probably shoudn't have tried to him, but we have absolutely no communication, and i really needed to get something off my chest...so i tried....it was unsuccessful and ending the same as it always does - my bad...i should have known
Excuses.

but it also gave me some info i needed about his drinking.
Continued focus on the other person and no focus on self.

What do YOU want in and for your life?
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Old 02-21-2010, 11:08 AM
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...he grabs his computer and walks out the door saying nothing. this made me upset - and though i shouldn't have i texted him and said basically if i left without a word, or didn't come homee one night he would be ticked off. he showed back up and told me to quit playing games. then i was playing wiith my daughter - still not engaging in his horrible mood

sorry to be a killjoy here, but i would agree with his statement that you were "playing games".

you said that you were not engaging in his mood, but i think otherwise.


mentally, i will be your cheerleader and support you in getting REAL distance between you and this man, but i think that means "hands off".

sincerely wishing you well,
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:26 AM
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well, i was all about giving this marriage one last shot...if he could live with the boundaries which i had set which was basically that i could not live with him if he was going to drink, and i could not put up with being verbally abused

For me, the hardest part is TAKING ACTION when the boundary gets crossed.
Your first line of your post is two boundaries:
1. no drinking
2. no verbal abuse
And you would not "live with him" if he did either.
I am not sure if that means still date, but live in separate houses, or not be together, but he has (per you) broken both.

Ugh. I am sorry about his crappiness.
Are you ready to take action on your boundaries?
He's abusive and an alcoholic. Not one part of that nurtures you and your growing baby-wonderfulness.

You deserve goodness. That brass ring of serenity is ready for you when you are ready to grab it.

Hugs,
w
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Old 02-22-2010, 02:49 PM
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My ex-MIL of long, long ago was one of those "you both have your problems" kind of MILs. She said that after I left him when I found out he emptied my bank account and spent the money on meth and was accused of raping a 15yo girl. Um, our probs were not similar at all.
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