crickets1

So I met someone 3 months ago and he completely pursued me. He did all the calling, texting and inviting to do things. We spent time together here and there over the course of 5 weeks. We messed around a little, but never had sex. After 5 weeks he told me he was a recovering alcoholic only 6 months sober. He told me that everything they say, write or talk about in the program is that you should not get into a relationship in your first year of sobriety. He wanted to just be friends, that in the past he had drank a lot of ugly girls pretty and that he wanted to do things differently now. He said I was nothing like the girls he has ever known, and from what I know of his exes I am completely different. Different looks, different upbringing, etc. Along with his drinking, he has issues with women, all women, in general and more specifically his relationship with his mother, daughter, etc. I felt that he was opening up to me about these issues as a way to show me that he wants to work through them. So we spent the next 2 months spending time together as "friends". We get along really well and always have fun together. But at the end of every time we spend together the "goodbyes" feel weird and he can sense that I care more for him than just friends. A few days after the last time we spent together he broke things off over the phone. He said it felt like a break up even though we weren't even together and that it is for the best if we don't see each other anymore. I found out a day later that the very same day he told me this, he had seen his exgirlfriend (it was her birthday), someone he had stopped dating once he decided to be sober. She does not live in his city but obviously they still keep in touch.
I am not sure if this has anything to do with his decision to stop seeing me, or if seeing her had to do with his recovery (step 5). All I know is I am hurt, I miss him and want to know how to get over it. I am sure I am better off not getting any more involved. It's only been 10 days since we last spoke. As I reread this thread I am surprised that I still feel so sad and miss him as much as I do.....I guess I am looking for reassurance that he is not the one for me and to move on...a part of me hopes he miracously decides he cares more for me than just friends....any advice?

KeepPedaling

I just think you're so lucky. As your post says, he did you a favor. I started dating a guy about 8 months ago who was almost two years sober. He started to drink again about 3 months ago (I don't remember exactly). During this time, I have cried more times than I can count, I have felt abandoned, alone, guilty, responsible for his drinking, rejected, humiliated, ashamed, terrified, angry, grief etc. on a HUGE scale. I am still struggling with trying to rip myself out of this mess so my life can become peaceful again. It is SO HARD to recover from dating an alcoholic, SO HARD to leave an alcoholic.

I feel so happy for you that he left and hope he doesn't ever call you again (and I say this because I truly believe you will be so much better off).

As for help getting through it, I'm reading this book called, "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliot. It's keeping me focused on the road to recovery ahead and helps me understand I made the right decision to leave my alcoholic. If you like doing emotional homework (I do), you should get a copy.

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad, but things really will get better. Keep posting here when you need to. I do all the time and get so much support. There will be others along too with WAY more wisdom than I can offer. Just wanted you to know there are people here who care.

Hugs! Hang in there!

crickets1

Thank You KeepPedaling for responding so quickly. I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through! I can't imagine what you must be dealing with. My head knows I am lucky that he was honest with me and spared me any heartache by walking away, but my heart feels rejected and confused. It is still fresh. I also wonder if this abrupt decision to stop seeing me is an indication that he may be drinking again? Anyway, good luck to you and hugs to you as well. Thanks again.

PS Is there someone reading this who is a recovering alcoholic that may be able to give me some insight on what he might be feeling, or thinking regarding me and his decision to cut me out of his life? I know he really liked spending time with me. Maybe being around me and not being physical was too hard? After he told me about his recovery he never tried anything.....and neither did I out of respect for him..... This feeling of rejection is very difficult..

Freedom1990

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can tell you his actions have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally, though I know that is incredibly difficult to do.

I continued with some very unhealthy behaviors years and years after I first got sober. Sex/relationships were a big one.

He did do you a favor. See if you can't get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More."

Today I know it's not my job to help someone work through their "issues." I have enough of my own, thanks.

IamSaved

Freedom,

Thank you for some perspective from the 'other' side. We, as people that love the addict, need some sort of insight into how their brain and thinking works.



Because, it's craziness. And as someone that love(d) an addict, the 'why' is the hardest thing. And not having any answers to the 'why', even harder.
Thank you for sharing...

Freedom1990

I do understand where you are coming from. I was also married to an active addict/alcoholic, and my oldest daughter is active in addictions.

I think it's a natural reaction to take it personally, and to want the answers to 'why'.

It took a long time for me to truly understand detachment, that I might never have the closure I want, and begin to move forward with my life.

Today the 'why' isn't important, but rather what am I going to do to improve my life today?

:ghug3

crickets1

Ugh. He texted me last night. I had left some things at his house and he wanted to know if I wanted him to bring them by today and that he hopes all is well. I am not ready to see him and yet I don't want the things returned because then after that, there is nothing left to be done between us and I am not ready for that either. I never texted back..... I don't want him to see that the way he ended things so abruptly really hurt me. Any advice on how to handle this?

jerect

Oh Girl, he did you a huge favor.. I met my husband after he had been sober for less then three months.. in the three years that I have known him I have been to hell and back with lies, relapses and infidelity all of which is the result of his addiction to drugs and alcohol..

When one is newly sober I think it takes a while for them to learn about themselves and grow to be responsible members of society again. I actually commend this guy for realizing that he did not need to be in a relationship right now... I only wish that my husband would have been as commendable as he was..

Go on about your life and if it was meant to be with this guy then he will come back into your life when the time is right and if it wasn't meant to be then chalk it up to a good lesson for yourself..

barb dwyer

If you really want the items,
he could bring them to a third party.

I agree that you've been spared a lot of hassle.
In fact, I think he was 'just in case-ing' with you,
in case the girlfriend came back into the picture.

Which is looks as if she did.

Let HER deal with someone that shallow.

Yep- light a candle, hon.
You've been done a favor!

Now, in what you wrote -
I'll ask you to take a look at something
that showed itself to ME
becauswe *I* used to do this as well -

Even though the man would TELL me
he wanted to be friends....
somehow in MY mind....
I just 'knew' he'd 'come around'
and we'd both feel this 'love' thing...
and everything would be all
roses and violin music....
like a Melanie Griffin/Audrey Hepburn movie.

You don't have to answer me
or argue
or anything.

Just something to look at.
It's something I did over and over again.

Because it's just possible
he was being completely honest
about just wanting a friendship
and the 'vibe' when y'all sould say goodnight
was YOU projecting
and HIM feeling awkward.

It's possible he was being completely up front and on the table with you.

I can't know, I wasn't there.

I just saw two ways to read your posts, is all.

And recognized a bit of myself in them.

Gold

Its okay to feel sad, you are grieving, its a normal human responce.
I certainly think he did you a favour.
Give yourself the time you need to get over it.

I would definitey complete unfinished business because you wont move on until then. Is there a 3rd party that could collect your belongings on you rbehalf. or could he drop them around when you are not home and put them somewhere safe.. Seeing him may not be wise.

Hugs to you.

crickets1

Thanks...This site is so great! When I feel weak, I come back here and reread the posts.. I appreciate the support.

crickets1

Ugh! Why does EVERYTHING remind me of him? Well, first of all he owns alot of a very popular franchise and so there is a reminder on every corner.....not to mention, I keep running into his friends and they like to ask me about him...His sobriety is not public consumption and so I never get into it.... And after we texted yesterday to discuss returning my items later this week, I can't seem to stop thinking of him

I miss him.....sorry, just had to get it out!

KeepPedaling

Hi Cricket. Everything reminds me of mine too. Like last night, I was trying to make dinner. I hate HATE to cook. I had one steak left in the freezer, thawed it out, and tried to cook it. I thought it was done since it was all charred on the outside. But it was so raw it was cold in the middle. I wanted to throw it across the room. My ex always made perfect steak. He really liked to cook. I miss having him bopping around my kitchen, not just for the great meals, but for the great company (when he was sober). Anyway, I had a tough night last night, feeling sorry for myself that I suck at cooking, which really made me think of him and miss him, so I felt sorry for myself for that too.

So what are you doing to get your mind off of him? I've been staying really busy, which helps a lot.