Mostly Watching From the Sidelines but am Feeling Really Sick
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
all I know is this ONE incident has been enough to shake me and I am not going to ignore that.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
L2L, I recall your last posts towards me before this thread and you were sooo strong and wise.... I hate to see you going back to chaos!! but I like it that you came here... to remember...
I read all the thread and my humble impression is that he is not siuch a great man, or at least not the type I would like for my friend L2L.
He hasnt even signed his divorce papers. Someone who cant be alone for a great while after such an event or breakup? RED FLAG!
Doesnt seem to bother with you 2 interacting and you witnessing HER drama. It seems as if she was YOUR ex. Where was he when she trespassed? has he done anything to prevent that happening in the future.
Now that my ego swallowed the tough pill that it takes to two tango, I dont believe "she is crazy" and he is the poor man trying to get rid of her... for him to be with him something had to be twisted in him too...has he taken ANY step to look at that with honesty, heal it, improve? or does he think that with someone new it will all magically dissapear...
Just my impressions, anyway if someone trespasses your property you can call the police right?? well not sure about what happened but I think its great you are taking steps back and looking at yourself and your relation and sharing here....
I wish the best for you ((hugs))
I read all the thread and my humble impression is that he is not siuch a great man, or at least not the type I would like for my friend L2L.
He hasnt even signed his divorce papers. Someone who cant be alone for a great while after such an event or breakup? RED FLAG!
Doesnt seem to bother with you 2 interacting and you witnessing HER drama. It seems as if she was YOUR ex. Where was he when she trespassed? has he done anything to prevent that happening in the future.
Now that my ego swallowed the tough pill that it takes to two tango, I dont believe "she is crazy" and he is the poor man trying to get rid of her... for him to be with him something had to be twisted in him too...has he taken ANY step to look at that with honesty, heal it, improve? or does he think that with someone new it will all magically dissapear...
Just my impressions, anyway if someone trespasses your property you can call the police right?? well not sure about what happened but I think its great you are taking steps back and looking at yourself and your relation and sharing here....
I wish the best for you ((hugs))
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
TakingCharge, thank you for helping put things back into perspective here. Especially when you said:
This made me laugh. I don't mean I am discounting what you are saying; I mean in one sentence you put it all back into perspective for me somehow. Because if THIS is chaos, I do not know what word to use to describe WHERE I CAME FROM. THIS is like changing a baby's diaper compared to the first 18 years of being a parent. I think I had forgotten where I came from, the hell I have been through, the strength I have built. And you my dear friend have just pulled me out of the mire somehow. So thank you.
I got the wind knocked out of me on Friday and now you make me see that I need to stop looking for what is WRONG with me and start looking at what is RIGHT with me, and get my head screwed back on tight. Remember who I am; quit boo-hooing about it and go on with life. We were HAPPY and having good, clean FUN Thursday night then because of the crackhead on Friday I fell apart and WASTED an entire weekend confusing the $hit out of myself, feeling bad about myself, beating myself up, trying to control the outcomes, three times ready to go and buy a pack of cigarettes all because of the way I have let myself PERCEIVE, blahblahblah.
Though ... I DO see I need to work on boundary-setting and communicating those boundaries under circumstances where I have not YET been THREATENED. Just plain old regular personal boundaries. Need to go to library and get a couple books on that, figure out what I am missing, and how to consciously set up what I need to set up for myself and ASK FOR what I need. One thing I have already started doing is telling people at work who I do not wish to be personally involved with to stop asking me questions about my personal life.
Thanks so much everybody for BEING THERE and helping me work through all this. I'm sure there will be more fun to come.
I hate to see you going back to chaos!!
I got the wind knocked out of me on Friday and now you make me see that I need to stop looking for what is WRONG with me and start looking at what is RIGHT with me, and get my head screwed back on tight. Remember who I am; quit boo-hooing about it and go on with life. We were HAPPY and having good, clean FUN Thursday night then because of the crackhead on Friday I fell apart and WASTED an entire weekend confusing the $hit out of myself, feeling bad about myself, beating myself up, trying to control the outcomes, three times ready to go and buy a pack of cigarettes all because of the way I have let myself PERCEIVE, blahblahblah.
Though ... I DO see I need to work on boundary-setting and communicating those boundaries under circumstances where I have not YET been THREATENED. Just plain old regular personal boundaries. Need to go to library and get a couple books on that, figure out what I am missing, and how to consciously set up what I need to set up for myself and ASK FOR what I need. One thing I have already started doing is telling people at work who I do not wish to be personally involved with to stop asking me questions about my personal life.
Thanks so much everybody for BEING THERE and helping me work through all this. I'm sure there will be more fun to come.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Thank you Anvil, I agree, and I appreciate your taking the time to respond, thereby shoring this up for me. Because, as you can see, I have been all over the place confused and I respect your opinions and feedback. What next....
So now I have to sit down and figure out and put on paper my LIMITS and BOUNDARIES, then communicate them to him, and then let go of the outcome. I have to be willing to lose what picture of a future together I have formulated in my head, for the benefit of a potentially stronger, healthier way of relating with one another right now.
I'm exhausted. Thank God I didn't smoke.
P.S. I feel the need to acknowledge and communicate to you all publicly that he is VERY GOOD for me in MANY areas. He is a capable, kind, sweet, gentle, caring man. I can only do what any of us can do, and that is take care of myself and offer him suggestions of where to go to get the help he may need. What he does with that is entirely up to him.
I feel my peace and serenity slowly moving back in...let's see if I can maintain it now.
So now I have to sit down and figure out and put on paper my LIMITS and BOUNDARIES, then communicate them to him, and then let go of the outcome. I have to be willing to lose what picture of a future together I have formulated in my head, for the benefit of a potentially stronger, healthier way of relating with one another right now.
I'm exhausted. Thank God I didn't smoke.
P.S. I feel the need to acknowledge and communicate to you all publicly that he is VERY GOOD for me in MANY areas. He is a capable, kind, sweet, gentle, caring man. I can only do what any of us can do, and that is take care of myself and offer him suggestions of where to go to get the help he may need. What he does with that is entirely up to him.
I feel my peace and serenity slowly moving back in...let's see if I can maintain it now.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I agree with Anvil.
This sweet man you care for comes with a bunch of JUNK.
You can say it's not HIM - it's his wife, etc. etc. but
1) he is a package with her
2) he married her.
What does #2 mean? It means he is not an innocent victim of her mess. He has his own responsibility and dysfunction (we all do) that he needs to work out. He's still married to her. There is a lot to work out.
You have been such a wonderful strong, clear voice on this forum. I love to hear your sanity and strength. Try to give yourself some of your serene, strong wisdom.
The drama you are experiencing with this situation is ENTIRELY your choice to be involved in. It, unfortunately, is part of the goodies you get from your relationship with this man. But be clear that the JUNK IS ATTACHED TO THE GOODIES.
Read the upset/confusion/pain in your post.
This situation is not healthy for you.
Continue to make those good choices you advise us about.
HUGE HUGS
wife
This sweet man you care for comes with a bunch of JUNK.
You can say it's not HIM - it's his wife, etc. etc. but
1) he is a package with her
2) he married her.
What does #2 mean? It means he is not an innocent victim of her mess. He has his own responsibility and dysfunction (we all do) that he needs to work out. He's still married to her. There is a lot to work out.
You have been such a wonderful strong, clear voice on this forum. I love to hear your sanity and strength. Try to give yourself some of your serene, strong wisdom.
The drama you are experiencing with this situation is ENTIRELY your choice to be involved in. It, unfortunately, is part of the goodies you get from your relationship with this man. But be clear that the JUNK IS ATTACHED TO THE GOODIES.
Read the upset/confusion/pain in your post.
This situation is not healthy for you.
Continue to make those good choices you advise us about.
HUGE HUGS
wife
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You can say it's not HIM - it's his wife
But truly, in this relationship, it is not HIM, it is ME--that is, the DECISIONS I have made to be in this relationship with him at this time KNOWING EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT THE SITUATION (which is more than he knows himself). I have to take 100% responsibility for MY OWN actions and MY OWN decisions. I cannot blame anyone, not even myself, because to use blame is to continue old, sick ways of thinking and behaving. There is only left for me to be MATURE about the whole thing, let go of my fear of "losing" him and "what could have been" and make the HEALTHIEST decisions for me RIGHT NOW.
He has not hidden anything from me that I have stumbled upon. I have BEEN him and I see clearly MY OWN (old) Codependent, confused SELF in him. But I cannot TELL him who I think he is and what he needs to do, any more than I can tell YOU who I think YOU are or what YOU need to do. I can only tell him WHAT I DID to help ME and how his junk is affecting my life.
I told him last night that I cannot and I will not allow ONE MORE active, practicing alcoholic or drug addict into my life. That I must protect myself, my life, my peace, and my serenity AT ALL COST. He has apologized profusely for what has happened and I have told him it's OK but that he needs to LEARN HOW TO LIVE. Because he is not that long or that far removed from the daily sickness and disease from whence he was mired.
P.S. NONE of us are victims.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Oh shoot, could you please tell me which lesson you see anvil? Because I may be missing it.
Here's the lesson I see, and I hope it doesn't sound like an excuse for my bad behavior, because it is actually not an excuse but is just what happened. We have not been seeing eachother very long at all and purposely and consciously from the outset maintained only a FRIENDSHIP, getting to know one another, taking it slowly, and I hadn't even met the kids yet. But the STBXW got wind of him being interested in someone else (snooping on facebook), and she flipped. Which is COMPLETELY understandable, I'll give her that (except it makes no sense given her own behavior concerning other men and filing for divorce, etc, but that she IS actively using substances so I get WHY she is appearing contradictory).
What was not OK was the forced entry. It wasn't UNTIL we both felt personally and individually threatened, that we began to get closer and sort of "melded" together as a combined "force" if that makes any sense. And this is all part and parcel of FEAR and how it affects you. You see, she REACTED to her apparently greatest fear (him moving on), which in effect CAUSED us to become closer. (That's how I understand it for myself anyway, just applying it to someone else).
So, I think my lesson right now is ... oh well $hit I don't know what the lesson is. Do You? But thanks for listening. I don't get to meetings and this is helping immensely. And no, I'm not really doing OK, I just relapsed AGAIN and now I want to cry but what the hell will THAT do?
Here's the lesson I see, and I hope it doesn't sound like an excuse for my bad behavior, because it is actually not an excuse but is just what happened. We have not been seeing eachother very long at all and purposely and consciously from the outset maintained only a FRIENDSHIP, getting to know one another, taking it slowly, and I hadn't even met the kids yet. But the STBXW got wind of him being interested in someone else (snooping on facebook), and she flipped. Which is COMPLETELY understandable, I'll give her that (except it makes no sense given her own behavior concerning other men and filing for divorce, etc, but that she IS actively using substances so I get WHY she is appearing contradictory).
What was not OK was the forced entry. It wasn't UNTIL we both felt personally and individually threatened, that we began to get closer and sort of "melded" together as a combined "force" if that makes any sense. And this is all part and parcel of FEAR and how it affects you. You see, she REACTED to her apparently greatest fear (him moving on), which in effect CAUSED us to become closer. (That's how I understand it for myself anyway, just applying it to someone else).
So, I think my lesson right now is ... oh well $hit I don't know what the lesson is. Do You? But thanks for listening. I don't get to meetings and this is helping immensely. And no, I'm not really doing OK, I just relapsed AGAIN and now I want to cry but what the hell will THAT do?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hey, wow, aren't you all grown up? What beautiful and mature work we have all just witnessed - thank you, Learn 
Ya know, I think it's REALLY easy for anyone to pick apart another person and another couple's relationship. The truth is that no one is perfect - give me someone who can readily acknowledge that, and work towards "better" and they get big points with me. After that, we have to discern what is likely going to be acceptable and unacceptable.
I think it is a fine line between "what is about me that seems to attract _____ " and "what is wrong with me!" And I think that is where you ended up. Make that distinction! Only one is a valid query.
I think it would be entirely appropriate in this situation to just have a breather for awhile. Some discussion points...maybe?
1. We really enjoy one another 2. You have some unfinished business with your last relationship 3. You have some kids to care for 4. Perhaps you have some self-discovery work in your future, Al-anon, etc. -- It would be really beautiful if we were both in recovery, speaking a common language, understanding this thing called co-dependence, supporting each other and growing together.
Cigarettes
I hadn't smoked for almost a year, before that, years. I made a B-line for the store when I got "the feeling" last spring after my ABF left town and things got weird. Have not put them down yet. GOOD FOR YOU !
Ya know, I think it's REALLY easy for anyone to pick apart another person and another couple's relationship. The truth is that no one is perfect - give me someone who can readily acknowledge that, and work towards "better" and they get big points with me. After that, we have to discern what is likely going to be acceptable and unacceptable.
I think it is a fine line between "what is about me that seems to attract _____ " and "what is wrong with me!" And I think that is where you ended up. Make that distinction! Only one is a valid query.
I think it would be entirely appropriate in this situation to just have a breather for awhile. Some discussion points...maybe?
1. We really enjoy one another 2. You have some unfinished business with your last relationship 3. You have some kids to care for 4. Perhaps you have some self-discovery work in your future, Al-anon, etc. -- It would be really beautiful if we were both in recovery, speaking a common language, understanding this thing called co-dependence, supporting each other and growing together.
Cigarettes
I hadn't smoked for almost a year, before that, years. I made a B-line for the store when I got "the feeling" last spring after my ABF left town and things got weird. Have not put them down yet. GOOD FOR YOU !
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh, I think I get it. The fact that he was still married at the time we met should have been a red flag not to get involved AT ALL, at least until such time as he was no longer married?
Duh right?
I actually made an exception to my own very personal rule (that I developed back when I first got sober...some coincidence, huh? clue clue clue) not to ever get involved with SEPARATED men with children. The reason I developed that rule was that I watched a woman get involved with my brother who had a two-year old child and was separated from his wife (the baby's mom). It really made me angry.
Anyway, I made the exception to this very long-standing personal rule because it was pretty apparent given the situation that the wife no longer wanted to be married or involved with her husband because (1) the wife is involved with other men and (2) the wife filed for divorce. I also broke the rule because (3) I felt bad for and wanted to be there for and help the children.
So wait, what is the lesson? Boy, love sure makes you stupid.
Talking this out with you is helping me feel a little better.
Duh right?
I actually made an exception to my own very personal rule (that I developed back when I first got sober...some coincidence, huh? clue clue clue) not to ever get involved with SEPARATED men with children. The reason I developed that rule was that I watched a woman get involved with my brother who had a two-year old child and was separated from his wife (the baby's mom). It really made me angry. Anyway, I made the exception to this very long-standing personal rule because it was pretty apparent given the situation that the wife no longer wanted to be married or involved with her husband because (1) the wife is involved with other men and (2) the wife filed for divorce. I also broke the rule because (3)
I felt bad for and wanted to be there for and help the children.So wait, what is the lesson? Boy, love sure makes you stupid.
Talking this out with you is helping me feel a little better.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Heebie-Jeebies completely understandable. And yes you ARE needed so PLEASE don't go away. I also have had your cynicism but yes, sadly and unfortunately, I have seen and heard for myself evidence directly from her and in, shall I say, "official documents," substantiating what he has told me about her behavior, active use, and treatment of the children.
He does not proclaim innocence in ANY of this, takes responsibility as best he can (at this point in his own Recovery) for contributing to the whole mess, and owns up to his OWN history and issues (at least what he is conscious and aware of right now). He is trying to change his life and move on in a healthy direction. It does seem there is a bit of finger-pointing and denial (and other things) he still needs to work on, but that is HIS bag and I have been trying to stay out of that. I'm not going to do his work for him and THAT is a HUGE accomplishment for me.
MY focus is on MY life and what relationship we may be able to have now and in the future. And crazy, irrational people coming into my house is NOT ACCEPTABLE. I can't tell him what to do to KEEP the crazy person from coming back; I don't KNOW what he should do. I'm certain MY MOUTH and MY OWN BEHAVIOR helped contribute to it occurring in the first place, but he has got to get himself what I can only call "street smart" about the trickery, manipulation, deviousness, etc that I see in her communications and behavior. All I know is A.A., N.A., Al-Anon, Bible/church, reading, therapy, self-help, SR, and personal self-development. Are THOSE things what he needs? IDK.
He does not proclaim innocence in ANY of this, takes responsibility as best he can (at this point in his own Recovery) for contributing to the whole mess, and owns up to his OWN history and issues (at least what he is conscious and aware of right now). He is trying to change his life and move on in a healthy direction. It does seem there is a bit of finger-pointing and denial (and other things) he still needs to work on, but that is HIS bag and I have been trying to stay out of that. I'm not going to do his work for him and THAT is a HUGE accomplishment for me.
MY focus is on MY life and what relationship we may be able to have now and in the future. And crazy, irrational people coming into my house is NOT ACCEPTABLE. I can't tell him what to do to KEEP the crazy person from coming back; I don't KNOW what he should do. I'm certain MY MOUTH and MY OWN BEHAVIOR helped contribute to it occurring in the first place, but he has got to get himself what I can only call "street smart" about the trickery, manipulation, deviousness, etc that I see in her communications and behavior. All I know is A.A., N.A., Al-Anon, Bible/church, reading, therapy, self-help, SR, and personal self-development. Are THOSE things what he needs? IDK.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ugh once a friend's friend started hitting on me and he wasn't even divorced yet and had a little child... was already inviting for dinners, dancing to which I went then thought "wow he's not even separated YET he can't spend a minute alone" and some lightbulb went on and I was able to separate myself...
Lately I've seen several similar examples.... I don't know how many males can't stand a MOMENT WITH THEMSELVES... maybe they're afraid of what they'll discover??? sorry I just don't get how one can be with someone for years and decades then get someone else almost right away... anyway I'm rambling.. can you take a break from him and his drama???? so you can feel your own WORLD again and maybe miss it???
More hugs and blessings your way
Lately I've seen several similar examples.... I don't know how many males can't stand a MOMENT WITH THEMSELVES... maybe they're afraid of what they'll discover??? sorry I just don't get how one can be with someone for years and decades then get someone else almost right away... anyway I'm rambling.. can you take a break from him and his drama???? so you can feel your own WORLD again and maybe miss it???
More hugs and blessings your way
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Boy, love sure makes you stupid.
.
.
You are pre-marriage with this guy.
You are not even too serious, it sounds like.
You are noticing some stress he is bringing (secondarily though his wife) into your life.
You realizing that stress isn't good for you.
You are figuring out how to block the stress-inducing factors.
That's good work, if you ask me.
w
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh coffee, thank you so much, especially for spelling this out for me:
because this helped to reduce my anxiety 
gather my thoughts, prepare to have this conversation that needs to occur.
I agree with you and thanks for your perspective about how easy it is to fall into the trap of thinking there is something WRONG with me. That gets you no where but depressed, fast.
Thanks also for the little "You Rock" guy. Made me smile; haven't been doing much of that at all lately.
About the cigarettes: Chantix helps me a lot.
think it would be entirely appropriate in this situation to just have a breather for awhile. Some discussion points...maybe?
1. We really enjoy one another 2. You have some unfinished business with your last relationship 3. You have some kids to care for 4. Perhaps you have some self-discovery work in your future, Al-anon, etc. -- It would be really beautiful if we were both in recovery, speaking a common language, understanding this thing called co-dependence, supporting each other and growing together.
1. We really enjoy one another 2. You have some unfinished business with your last relationship 3. You have some kids to care for 4. Perhaps you have some self-discovery work in your future, Al-anon, etc. -- It would be really beautiful if we were both in recovery, speaking a common language, understanding this thing called co-dependence, supporting each other and growing together.
gather my thoughts, prepare to have this conversation that needs to occur.I agree with you and thanks for your perspective about how easy it is to fall into the trap of thinking there is something WRONG with me. That gets you no where but depressed, fast.
Thanks also for the little "You Rock" guy. Made me smile; haven't been doing much of that at all lately.
About the cigarettes: Chantix helps me a lot.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have also noticed men in my life who do not particularly tolerate being alone too well. I think that is called "Codependence." I don't think it's limited to just men though. I was like this for MUCH of my adult life. I went from relationship to relationship until the universe VIOLENTLY FORCED me to stop and pay attention. Life has a funny way of being that way in many arenas, not just in relationships. I have had to practice being alone many, many years before becoming this comfortable with it. It started with FORCING myself to see a movie alone. I went to the mall and chose a Brad Pitt movie to try to make it easier on me than doing this otherwise would have been. I think EVERYONE needs to conquer their fears and their lives ALONE for a time; stand on their own two feet. How long is required? I don't know the answer; everyone is different.
When we are new to Recovery, we are so very AFRAID, and so very afraid to be ALONE. But we are so used to feeling afraid that we don't even notice it is driving us. It is human nature to want to cling to, and be with, someone else. We have to train ourselves to recognize it, let go, and breathe. We also have to train ourselves to seek comfort from more than ONE person; like in groups; like in Al-Anon and in A.A. He is not there yet. Will he ever get there? Who is to say? Is it up to me to FORCE him to do that, possibly at my own expense or loss? No. There HAS to be a heathy balance between clinging and needy AND alone and completely independent. I have been at BOTH extremes and can say with confidence that NEITHER is the healthy choice for me. I don't know HOW to find that balance but I believe that, in the future, this man and I will both be able to find a happy medium together.
He is new to Recovery, I am not. I have to accept personal responsibility to ACT according to what I know, steer him in the direction I believe he may need to be steered in, and take the necessary steps to protect mySELF. This is how I grow.
I do not cringe at or judge his behavior; who am I to judge? I KNOW these things are CHANGEABLE, if he WANTS to change them. That is up to him. I am at a point in my life where I am practicing standing back and letting others find their way. My Higher Power did not bring him into my life, at this point in HIS life, for no reason. He is exactly where he is supposed to be and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And everything that has occurred between him and I was MEANT to occur. It is our job to identify and learn the lesson, and then ADAPT our behavior according to IT. Not according to my fear, or panic, or anxieties. When I try to FORCE my life to be what I THINK it should be, I am not letting go of the outcome. I let go of the outcome now, trust my instincts that SOMETHING needs to change, and follow my heart.
If you were me, you would feel the difference between every other man I have ever been in a relationship with and THIS man, in the way he speaks to me, the tone of voice he uses, and in all the ways he cares for and treats me. There is so much good here; I wish you could feel it too. We have only to make the healthiest decisions for TODAY and in doing so assure that tomorrow will be healthy too.
Wow, you have all given me the strength to see myself and my world CLEARLY, and the strength to move forward in confidence, NOT out of REACTION to the alcoholic/addict. THANK YOU to EVERYONE. Wow, what an AMAZING, AMAZING group of people you are.
When we are new to Recovery, we are so very AFRAID, and so very afraid to be ALONE. But we are so used to feeling afraid that we don't even notice it is driving us. It is human nature to want to cling to, and be with, someone else. We have to train ourselves to recognize it, let go, and breathe. We also have to train ourselves to seek comfort from more than ONE person; like in groups; like in Al-Anon and in A.A. He is not there yet. Will he ever get there? Who is to say? Is it up to me to FORCE him to do that, possibly at my own expense or loss? No. There HAS to be a heathy balance between clinging and needy AND alone and completely independent. I have been at BOTH extremes and can say with confidence that NEITHER is the healthy choice for me. I don't know HOW to find that balance but I believe that, in the future, this man and I will both be able to find a happy medium together.
He is new to Recovery, I am not. I have to accept personal responsibility to ACT according to what I know, steer him in the direction I believe he may need to be steered in, and take the necessary steps to protect mySELF. This is how I grow.
I do not cringe at or judge his behavior; who am I to judge? I KNOW these things are CHANGEABLE, if he WANTS to change them. That is up to him. I am at a point in my life where I am practicing standing back and letting others find their way. My Higher Power did not bring him into my life, at this point in HIS life, for no reason. He is exactly where he is supposed to be and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And everything that has occurred between him and I was MEANT to occur. It is our job to identify and learn the lesson, and then ADAPT our behavior according to IT. Not according to my fear, or panic, or anxieties. When I try to FORCE my life to be what I THINK it should be, I am not letting go of the outcome. I let go of the outcome now, trust my instincts that SOMETHING needs to change, and follow my heart.
If you were me, you would feel the difference between every other man I have ever been in a relationship with and THIS man, in the way he speaks to me, the tone of voice he uses, and in all the ways he cares for and treats me. There is so much good here; I wish you could feel it too. We have only to make the healthiest decisions for TODAY and in doing so assure that tomorrow will be healthy too.
Wow, you have all given me the strength to see myself and my world CLEARLY, and the strength to move forward in confidence, NOT out of REACTION to the alcoholic/addict. THANK YOU to EVERYONE. Wow, what an AMAZING, AMAZING group of people you are.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
So wait, what is the lesson? Boy, love sure makes you stupid.
Six years ago I threw out my alcoholic, now ex husband, not really wanting to be divorced from him, but definitely wanting to be away from him. My ex husband took up with a new woman while we were separated, and you can imagine how well I took it. Then, he threw a huge hissy fit when I started dating a year later, post divorce. I'll skip the extended details, but there is plenty of bad behavior to be attributed to him, me, and the new gf.
BuffaloGal's Lesson: just because Person A (and person A was, at different times, both me and him) has taken up with someone new doesn't mean their previous relationship is over, or that Person A has really let go or moved on at all! This took me a long time to figure out. After that mess, I resolved never to get involved with someone whose divorce is not finalized, because no matter how "over" it appears on the surface, the only thing that equals breaking up with your spouse is getting a divorce... and if it isn't done, then it isn't finished either.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
BuffaloGal won't you come out tonight come out tonight come out tonight
BuffaloGal won't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon
Whenever I see a post from you I sing that. So thanks for always bringing me a song!
And thanks for your share. I so agree with you about them not being divorced until they are actually divorced. Like what Anvil said: UNAVAILABLE. I KNEW better. Wouldn't I be much smarter (and my life much less dramatic) if I just FOLLOWED what I already KNOW!?!?! The temptation to feel all there is to feel in a new, exciting relationship is so difficult to resist! Just like it is for us folks with alcoholism and addiction. But we have to be willing to forego the immediate gratification in order to realize the long-term benefits which usually are healthier for us.
I've TOLD him several times we need to slow it down because he is not yet divorced but I went ahead and got deeper into it anyway! So who is RESPONSIBLE for the drama and the chaos in MY life? Her? Him? Or ME? You reap what you sow, isn't that what the Bible says?
Well, what did I EXPECT from the alcoholic/addict when she got wind of the relationship? Have I not flipped out over a relationship in the past, especially when I was still drinking? You see? That is why I CANNOT judge her OR him. Nor blame anyone, including me. There is only for me to accept responsibility for my part in all of this chaos that came into my life, and adjust. I hope I am able to do it.
Gosh, thank you again BuffaloGal for sharing such a personal story.
BuffaloGal won't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon
Whenever I see a post from you I sing that. So thanks for always bringing me a song!
And thanks for your share. I so agree with you about them not being divorced until they are actually divorced. Like what Anvil said: UNAVAILABLE. I KNEW better. Wouldn't I be much smarter (and my life much less dramatic) if I just FOLLOWED what I already KNOW!?!?! The temptation to feel all there is to feel in a new, exciting relationship is so difficult to resist! Just like it is for us folks with alcoholism and addiction. But we have to be willing to forego the immediate gratification in order to realize the long-term benefits which usually are healthier for us.
I've TOLD him several times we need to slow it down because he is not yet divorced but I went ahead and got deeper into it anyway! So who is RESPONSIBLE for the drama and the chaos in MY life? Her? Him? Or ME? You reap what you sow, isn't that what the Bible says?
Well, what did I EXPECT from the alcoholic/addict when she got wind of the relationship? Have I not flipped out over a relationship in the past, especially when I was still drinking? You see? That is why I CANNOT judge her OR him. Nor blame anyone, including me. There is only for me to accept responsibility for my part in all of this chaos that came into my life, and adjust. I hope I am able to do it.
Gosh, thank you again BuffaloGal for sharing such a personal story.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
BuffaloGal won't you come out tonight come out tonight come out tonight
BuffaloGal won't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon
BuffaloGal won't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon
Isn't that a happy song! I picked it for my alias on several websites because it's such a cheerfully crazy image.
Be well!
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